Back on March 16, 2011, I posted this somewhat lengthy but quite satisfying piece about how I think we can forge and strengthen our relationships with people. The advice within the post came about as I pondered the things I found most lacking in my own relationships that were also the things for which I most yearned. In a few cases these tips were, I admit, also the things I myself found most difficult.
I don't know how successful I have been in implementing all of these things. And I know that the state of my relationships since I wrote this is roughly the same, overall. Some of my relationships I have only recently concluded are actually never going to be any good for me. Others are just starting out, relationships that didn't even exist when I originally published this post. So perhaps it will be easier for me to follow my own advice with new relationships than it is in regards to old ones?
That isn't to say I have not followed any of my own advice already. And when I have it has been advantageous more often than not. I really have felt closer to certain people since putting a few of these things into practice here and there.
The one that tragically remains the least utilized among my friends is "always apologize." I literally have been hurt many times by certain people, and those people have never once thought to apologize. I have even been shut out, and told that the conversation is "over" when I attempt to equalize the bad feelings. The hurt over people who behave this way continues. But as I said, at least I am starting to see the true nature of some of my so called friends. Maybe, in part, due to my greater focus on the concepts mentioned in this piece.
Would you add any other actions or perceptions to my list?
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Monday, October 31, 2011
Brief Thoughts on an Introvert Halloween.
I am a little disappointed this Halloween. I had no Halloween party to go to. You know me. I am not a huge party person, and indeed I would have only gone to any for Halloween had it been of a certain size and attended by certain types of people. Yet no such event took place, and I am a bit let down by it.
Not because I need an excuse to buy candy or beer or play games. I can do all of that at any party. But this year I was going to try something new. I bought some face paint and was going to work up an interesting design to paint on for a party, as opposed to dressing up as something particular. (Every year I say I am going to go all out and get a mega-fancy costume, but it never happens. I usually end up as an NFL referee because someone once gave me a ref shirt as a gag gift.)
I'm not sure, but I think my plan was to paint my face black and white only. Either a black face with white tears running down, or vice-verca. Symbolism? Kind of. Not so much that I am always crying on the inside, but that being an introvert, most things for me are on the inside most of the time, not just tears. A "mask", even a painted one, that expresses emotions so plainly would have been an interesting experiment. The one time when perhaps an expression of the internal could be made to the external world.
Halloween of course is a time for masks. Disguises. Make-believe. People of almost all stripes become something else on Halloween. Many of them gory. Or goofy. Cute or sexy. Some fancy, some minimalist. All sorts of ways to be something else for a night. Something with which your regular persona may have little in common.
Yet with an introvert, I think the potential for one of the greatest ironies comes about on Halloween. If, like I was planning, an introvert were to wear a costume or mask that accurately depicted in a very public manner how they were feeling and what they were thinking inside their heads, then Halloween could in some ways be the polar opposite of what it is to many others. While the world tries to be as creative as possible in designing a costume that transforms them into something far removed from their real selves, an introvert could use Halloween to actually show more of their real selves right away than ever before.
Yet would people recognize this? Most would not, I dare say. Most would either miss the point, or would even ask "what are you supposed to be?" But then again, introverts are used to that, so maybe Halloween wouldn't be so different when it comes to that.
At any rate, Happy Halloween to all of the introvert and extroverts who do have parties and events to go to!
Do you think modern Halloween has different uses and meanings for different people? What is Halloween to you?
Not because I need an excuse to buy candy or beer or play games. I can do all of that at any party. But this year I was going to try something new. I bought some face paint and was going to work up an interesting design to paint on for a party, as opposed to dressing up as something particular. (Every year I say I am going to go all out and get a mega-fancy costume, but it never happens. I usually end up as an NFL referee because someone once gave me a ref shirt as a gag gift.)
I'm not sure, but I think my plan was to paint my face black and white only. Either a black face with white tears running down, or vice-verca. Symbolism? Kind of. Not so much that I am always crying on the inside, but that being an introvert, most things for me are on the inside most of the time, not just tears. A "mask", even a painted one, that expresses emotions so plainly would have been an interesting experiment. The one time when perhaps an expression of the internal could be made to the external world.
Halloween of course is a time for masks. Disguises. Make-believe. People of almost all stripes become something else on Halloween. Many of them gory. Or goofy. Cute or sexy. Some fancy, some minimalist. All sorts of ways to be something else for a night. Something with which your regular persona may have little in common.
Yet with an introvert, I think the potential for one of the greatest ironies comes about on Halloween. If, like I was planning, an introvert were to wear a costume or mask that accurately depicted in a very public manner how they were feeling and what they were thinking inside their heads, then Halloween could in some ways be the polar opposite of what it is to many others. While the world tries to be as creative as possible in designing a costume that transforms them into something far removed from their real selves, an introvert could use Halloween to actually show more of their real selves right away than ever before.
Yet would people recognize this? Most would not, I dare say. Most would either miss the point, or would even ask "what are you supposed to be?" But then again, introverts are used to that, so maybe Halloween wouldn't be so different when it comes to that.
At any rate, Happy Halloween to all of the introvert and extroverts who do have parties and events to go to!
Do you think modern Halloween has different uses and meanings for different people? What is Halloween to you?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
AuGuest: My Response to Samantha
Samantha's AuGuest post dealt with her desire and ability to not set people aside just because they are not in a group, or don't fit some kind of criteria, even though for reasons unclear she herself was excluded from a group(s) at one point.
In other words, like Zoyah, she has not let what could have been a painful experience make her too bitter to let people in. Indeed that very experience of being shut out motivated Samantha to be even more considerate people who are outside of her direct circle. (The example she gave was making sure everyone at a party feels welcome, even if she doesn't know much about them.)
I myself have often been on the receiving end of such exclusions as Samantha wrote about. From grade school all the way up into my adulthood even today, I have been left aside, not invited to the parties, or been the one that never has his messages returned. The one who sets up things to do, only to have his invitations constantly turned down, or ignored.
Only in certain situations have these experiences made me extra certain to reach out. For example, I made a vow to myself to express sympathy when someone I know loses a parent, no matter who they are, since that sympathy was never expressed to me as a child. When I get a message from anyone with whom I am on good terms I am prompt in returning it. If I can physically be of assistance to most people, I will offer to be so. These are things I would have done anyway, but I have a greater focus on them because I haven't received much of this sort of support from others in my life.
Yet those are examples that tend to present themselves. Almost as though the Universe says, "Okay, here's a test of your principles to chew on." I like to think I usually pass such tests, as graded by both the Universe and my own compass. Yet my track record is not so good when it comes to reaching out beyond a certain very narrow circle in my life.
In her post, Samantha wrote:
"Don't just brush people off because they're not part of your group."
In my own defense I do have to start by saying that I don't reject people just because they are not in my group. I pride myself on what I call my "mental inclusiveness". My belief that just about everybody in any type of demographic has something to offer the world, and potentially something to offer me. My thoughts are egalitarian. And again, there are all kinds of people that if they came to me would have a place at my table. Now ask me about how often I go out of my way to mention my table first...
Yes, part of it is that I am an introvert, and we introverts don't often like to start the conversations, reach out to strangers, or get the proverbial ball rolling on the social front. We like to be left alone at first, and we like to assume others do as well. Yet I cannot lay all of my reticent reluctance at the doorstep of my introversion.
The truth is, so many different types of people have dismissed me that it becomes easier to profile in a way. Did I specifically reject, say, cheerleaders in high school or college because that is what they were? No. Did I allow my experiences with people who were cheerleaders to define what I could expect from such people most of the time, and hence out of self preservation opt to not explore relationships with them? Yes. I did.
When you're like me you tend to take specific note of the pain inflicted upon you, and the source of that pain. Which in turn makes you far less likely in the future to give certain people a second look. Even if they are not the direct cause of your pain. Even if you know on a meta, intellectual level that they, like any stranger are just as entitled to your decency, respect and friendship as anybody else. You still do it. And then you tend to close your circle in as tight as possible in an effort to keep out the unpredictables. The new people. The ones outside of the archetypes with which you most identify. I did that and in many ways continue to do that.
Sometimes this withdrawal is in fact counterproductive or even destructive to the very ends I am gunning for. Just the other day I was talking to a close friend of mine that I knew in college, but didn't speak to much until after college was over. Through the wonders of social media we actually became close after we had lived on the same campus for years. Not during. And as I said to her only recently, one main reason for this was that she was in, (or at least appeared to be in) a different group. Another demographic. And though I never dismissed her and her friends simply because they were not like me, I also figured the safest thing to do was to not engage in such people too much, because similar people in the past had burned me. Sometimes I knew why, but usually I didn't.
Instead, in college I clung to those with a shared archetype. The artistic, theatre geek crowd. And the irony is, that crowd had just as many traitors, liars, and caddy manipulators as any other group one might associate with such low-lifes. In fact, theatre people may be more guilty of that sort of thing than most groups. But because I was arts oriented myself I allowed a false sense of safety and familiarity to dictate where and when I engaged other people. The result? Abject loneliness after a serious event in my final semester in college. My "group" had basically zero sympathy for me in my time of need, and I had little connections elsewhere.
What I would have given to have been able to flee from my theatre people in the final semester of college! Could have been to any group that welcomed me. The football players. The foreign exchanges. The pot-heads. Anybody to whom I could have gone with the simple intention of interacting and feeling valued again. Yet because I allowed my previous history with people to dictate my behavior, I had no such connections to speak of. I had held back in befriending certain types. Again, some of it was due to my being an introvert on the outside of some very extroverted groups. Yet a bigger part of it was due to simple reluctance to treat certain people better than I had been treated by others that resembled them. Others that offered no instant familiarity. I paid a huge price for that reluctance. I continue to pay a huge price for it to this day...
So I applaud Samantha and people like her that are able to reach out even when they have been excluded. Those that can be receptive to different demographics and not keep an automatic distance from them, even when they themselves have been victims of such discrimination. Those that don't require a situation involving moral imperatives before they engage certain types, like I do. Such people may not be better than me, but they probably have a better chance of getting through the bad times with smaller scars.
I'll close with something that same friend of mine told me during the conversation I mentioned earlier.
"It doesn't matter what happened back then. We are close now."
True. And that gives me hope that it isn't too late for me to reach out even after I have been stepped on.
In other words, like Zoyah, she has not let what could have been a painful experience make her too bitter to let people in. Indeed that very experience of being shut out motivated Samantha to be even more considerate people who are outside of her direct circle. (The example she gave was making sure everyone at a party feels welcome, even if she doesn't know much about them.)
I myself have often been on the receiving end of such exclusions as Samantha wrote about. From grade school all the way up into my adulthood even today, I have been left aside, not invited to the parties, or been the one that never has his messages returned. The one who sets up things to do, only to have his invitations constantly turned down, or ignored.
Only in certain situations have these experiences made me extra certain to reach out. For example, I made a vow to myself to express sympathy when someone I know loses a parent, no matter who they are, since that sympathy was never expressed to me as a child. When I get a message from anyone with whom I am on good terms I am prompt in returning it. If I can physically be of assistance to most people, I will offer to be so. These are things I would have done anyway, but I have a greater focus on them because I haven't received much of this sort of support from others in my life.
Yet those are examples that tend to present themselves. Almost as though the Universe says, "Okay, here's a test of your principles to chew on." I like to think I usually pass such tests, as graded by both the Universe and my own compass. Yet my track record is not so good when it comes to reaching out beyond a certain very narrow circle in my life.
In her post, Samantha wrote:
"Don't just brush people off because they're not part of your group."
In my own defense I do have to start by saying that I don't reject people just because they are not in my group. I pride myself on what I call my "mental inclusiveness". My belief that just about everybody in any type of demographic has something to offer the world, and potentially something to offer me. My thoughts are egalitarian. And again, there are all kinds of people that if they came to me would have a place at my table. Now ask me about how often I go out of my way to mention my table first...
Yes, part of it is that I am an introvert, and we introverts don't often like to start the conversations, reach out to strangers, or get the proverbial ball rolling on the social front. We like to be left alone at first, and we like to assume others do as well. Yet I cannot lay all of my reticent reluctance at the doorstep of my introversion.
The truth is, so many different types of people have dismissed me that it becomes easier to profile in a way. Did I specifically reject, say, cheerleaders in high school or college because that is what they were? No. Did I allow my experiences with people who were cheerleaders to define what I could expect from such people most of the time, and hence out of self preservation opt to not explore relationships with them? Yes. I did.
When you're like me you tend to take specific note of the pain inflicted upon you, and the source of that pain. Which in turn makes you far less likely in the future to give certain people a second look. Even if they are not the direct cause of your pain. Even if you know on a meta, intellectual level that they, like any stranger are just as entitled to your decency, respect and friendship as anybody else. You still do it. And then you tend to close your circle in as tight as possible in an effort to keep out the unpredictables. The new people. The ones outside of the archetypes with which you most identify. I did that and in many ways continue to do that.
Sometimes this withdrawal is in fact counterproductive or even destructive to the very ends I am gunning for. Just the other day I was talking to a close friend of mine that I knew in college, but didn't speak to much until after college was over. Through the wonders of social media we actually became close after we had lived on the same campus for years. Not during. And as I said to her only recently, one main reason for this was that she was in, (or at least appeared to be in) a different group. Another demographic. And though I never dismissed her and her friends simply because they were not like me, I also figured the safest thing to do was to not engage in such people too much, because similar people in the past had burned me. Sometimes I knew why, but usually I didn't.
Instead, in college I clung to those with a shared archetype. The artistic, theatre geek crowd. And the irony is, that crowd had just as many traitors, liars, and caddy manipulators as any other group one might associate with such low-lifes. In fact, theatre people may be more guilty of that sort of thing than most groups. But because I was arts oriented myself I allowed a false sense of safety and familiarity to dictate where and when I engaged other people. The result? Abject loneliness after a serious event in my final semester in college. My "group" had basically zero sympathy for me in my time of need, and I had little connections elsewhere.
What I would have given to have been able to flee from my theatre people in the final semester of college! Could have been to any group that welcomed me. The football players. The foreign exchanges. The pot-heads. Anybody to whom I could have gone with the simple intention of interacting and feeling valued again. Yet because I allowed my previous history with people to dictate my behavior, I had no such connections to speak of. I had held back in befriending certain types. Again, some of it was due to my being an introvert on the outside of some very extroverted groups. Yet a bigger part of it was due to simple reluctance to treat certain people better than I had been treated by others that resembled them. Others that offered no instant familiarity. I paid a huge price for that reluctance. I continue to pay a huge price for it to this day...
So I applaud Samantha and people like her that are able to reach out even when they have been excluded. Those that can be receptive to different demographics and not keep an automatic distance from them, even when they themselves have been victims of such discrimination. Those that don't require a situation involving moral imperatives before they engage certain types, like I do. Such people may not be better than me, but they probably have a better chance of getting through the bad times with smaller scars.
I'll close with something that same friend of mine told me during the conversation I mentioned earlier.
"It doesn't matter what happened back then. We are close now."
True. And that gives me hope that it isn't too late for me to reach out even after I have been stepped on.
Monday, August 8, 2011
AuGuest Post: Letting People in, by Samantha Karol
I remember how nervous I was when I got the piece of paper from college telling me about my dorm assignment for freshman year. As an only child who had always had her own room, the thought of sharing one small room with three other girls was a little frightening. Summer camp had prepared me some, but I was still unsure. Thankfully, the roommate gods blessed me, and I was randomly placed with three girls who would become some of my best college friends. Not everyone was nice though, and when it came time to choose roommates for the following year, one girl who was planning on living with two of my roommates decided she didn’t want me living with them. I’d never done anything to her, didn’t even know her that well, but for some reason she didn’t want me to be part of their group. So, I ended up with my third roommate, a friend of ours and some of the other girls from our hall. Things worked out just fine, but I missed living with the other two.
It was the summer before sophomore year when I met the man who is now my fiancé. Although I wouldn’t trade our relationship for the world, three years of long distance and many weekends away didn’t do much to help the friend situation. My freshman friends and I were still close, but they had also become closer with their sophomore roommates, among them a couple more girls who disliked me for no reason. Those girls were even worse than the first, barely even recognizing my existence and never making me feel welcome or comfortable. Maybe they saw me as a threat, or maybe they just didn’t like me, but the way they treated me was totally unfair.
I never again lived with my freshman roommates. They never asked, but not for any malicious reason. I’m pretty sure they had no idea how the other girls treated me. Ignorance is bliss or something like that. What I felt was far from bliss. Being left out of their tight-knit group has made me very aware of how I treat people. Whenever I host a party, I make sure everyone is introduced to everyone else so no one is left sitting alone. I’ve made an effort to tell all of my close friends about each other so they feel more comfortable when they first meet. If I find out someone feels left out, I’ll do everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen again.
The important thing to remember is that letting people in is not a bad thing. If you give them a chance and actually get to know them, you might find you really like them. Don’t just brush people off because they’re not part of your group and they might “steal your friends.” Trust that your friends wouldn’t be friends with them if they weren’t awesome. Give people the same opportunity you would want them to give you.
Samantha Karol is twenty-something living and working in New York City. She is a writer and a grammar nerd, currently employed in development at an Israel-related non-profit. The way to her heart is through ice cream.
It was the summer before sophomore year when I met the man who is now my fiancé. Although I wouldn’t trade our relationship for the world, three years of long distance and many weekends away didn’t do much to help the friend situation. My freshman friends and I were still close, but they had also become closer with their sophomore roommates, among them a couple more girls who disliked me for no reason. Those girls were even worse than the first, barely even recognizing my existence and never making me feel welcome or comfortable. Maybe they saw me as a threat, or maybe they just didn’t like me, but the way they treated me was totally unfair.
I never again lived with my freshman roommates. They never asked, but not for any malicious reason. I’m pretty sure they had no idea how the other girls treated me. Ignorance is bliss or something like that. What I felt was far from bliss. Being left out of their tight-knit group has made me very aware of how I treat people. Whenever I host a party, I make sure everyone is introduced to everyone else so no one is left sitting alone. I’ve made an effort to tell all of my close friends about each other so they feel more comfortable when they first meet. If I find out someone feels left out, I’ll do everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen again.
The important thing to remember is that letting people in is not a bad thing. If you give them a chance and actually get to know them, you might find you really like them. Don’t just brush people off because they’re not part of your group and they might “steal your friends.” Trust that your friends wouldn’t be friends with them if they weren’t awesome. Give people the same opportunity you would want them to give you.
Samantha Karol is twenty-something living and working in New York City. She is a writer and a grammar nerd, currently employed in development at an Israel-related non-profit. The way to her heart is through ice cream.
Friday, July 1, 2011
There ARE Small Parts. But Avoid Small Thinking.
If you ever check out my other blog, (and history suggests that you never do), you will know that I am currently in yet another play. This time, the play is Tom Stoppard's, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. It is in a way Shakespeare's Hamlet from a vastly different angle. In fact, it's told from the perspective of the two title characters who, in Hamlet are in fact two minor characters. Only a step above the torch bearers, really. But in this play, they are the focus.
In an ironic absurdist way, that is. The play is not at all linear or plot driven, but rather an existential examination of the randomness of life, by way of linguistic gymnastics. However at various points throughout the action, these two gentleman find themselves in the midst of scenes from the actual Hamlet. Hamlet, Ophelia, Claudius, Gertrude, Polonious, The Player, all come in and out in what is essentially mere background for this story. And when they do appear those characters speak their actual Shakespearean lines. I myself play Hamlet.
I have always wanted to play Hamlet, though I admit, not in this particular capacity. While I do intend to play Hamlet in the actual Hamlet some day, this experience has been an interesting spring training for the character if you will. For you see, he is still Hamlet, with all of the depth, dimensions and complications associated with the character. And for my brief time on stage, I must play him as such. (And I am doing a fairly good job at that, if I may say so.)
If my infrequently seen Hamlet were to be phoned in or otherwise be terrible, people would know. Would it deep six the whole production? It would not have to, but a palpable sense of the play being off somehow would, I surmise, permeate the production. Hamlet, though a small role in the play itself, is not a small presence at all within his own head. As far as he is concerned, he is the Prince of Denmark, with all of the importance and burdens that come with that. For me to do little work because he is not seen much would be not only unfair to the rest of the play, but lazy. And it would miss the point.
I apply this approach to my acting whenever I play a smaller role, or need to perform a scene in the background. I work hard to be totally present in whatever part of the story I am telling. My commitment to good theatre necessitates this.
Yet I have tried to apply this notion to other aspects of my life as well. And it is not easy. But if I am lower on the totem pole for something, or if I am contributing only small bits and pieces to a conversation, or appear only on the outskirts of a project, I make every effort to remember that whatever I am doing, (if I have bothered to do participate) deserves my full attention and effort at the time of my doing so. Perhaps it will not change my life, or improve my lot, but if I choose to do something, I do it right. Or opt not to do it in the first place.
Don't shrink your universe. Despite what the success gurus say, you don't have to always be out there leading some kind of Gen-Y, "go get 'em!" type of charge in order to be fully engaged in something. When you have a small job to do, it is still a job, and it is still yours. Everything behind what you do, and everything you bring to a table should be relevant. Not just for the sake of the job you are doing but for your own sake, so you don't allow yourself to feel insignificant between the big moments.
For me it's much more difficult to do this off stage than on stage. But I recognize the wisdom of it.
How do you feel when you are in the background, or the edges, as opposed to the forefront of something? Does your effort ever slack at those times?
In an ironic absurdist way, that is. The play is not at all linear or plot driven, but rather an existential examination of the randomness of life, by way of linguistic gymnastics. However at various points throughout the action, these two gentleman find themselves in the midst of scenes from the actual Hamlet. Hamlet, Ophelia, Claudius, Gertrude, Polonious, The Player, all come in and out in what is essentially mere background for this story. And when they do appear those characters speak their actual Shakespearean lines. I myself play Hamlet.
I have always wanted to play Hamlet, though I admit, not in this particular capacity. While I do intend to play Hamlet in the actual Hamlet some day, this experience has been an interesting spring training for the character if you will. For you see, he is still Hamlet, with all of the depth, dimensions and complications associated with the character. And for my brief time on stage, I must play him as such. (And I am doing a fairly good job at that, if I may say so.)
If my infrequently seen Hamlet were to be phoned in or otherwise be terrible, people would know. Would it deep six the whole production? It would not have to, but a palpable sense of the play being off somehow would, I surmise, permeate the production. Hamlet, though a small role in the play itself, is not a small presence at all within his own head. As far as he is concerned, he is the Prince of Denmark, with all of the importance and burdens that come with that. For me to do little work because he is not seen much would be not only unfair to the rest of the play, but lazy. And it would miss the point.
I apply this approach to my acting whenever I play a smaller role, or need to perform a scene in the background. I work hard to be totally present in whatever part of the story I am telling. My commitment to good theatre necessitates this.
Yet I have tried to apply this notion to other aspects of my life as well. And it is not easy. But if I am lower on the totem pole for something, or if I am contributing only small bits and pieces to a conversation, or appear only on the outskirts of a project, I make every effort to remember that whatever I am doing, (if I have bothered to do participate) deserves my full attention and effort at the time of my doing so. Perhaps it will not change my life, or improve my lot, but if I choose to do something, I do it right. Or opt not to do it in the first place.
Don't shrink your universe. Despite what the success gurus say, you don't have to always be out there leading some kind of Gen-Y, "go get 'em!" type of charge in order to be fully engaged in something. When you have a small job to do, it is still a job, and it is still yours. Everything behind what you do, and everything you bring to a table should be relevant. Not just for the sake of the job you are doing but for your own sake, so you don't allow yourself to feel insignificant between the big moments.
For me it's much more difficult to do this off stage than on stage. But I recognize the wisdom of it.
How do you feel when you are in the background, or the edges, as opposed to the forefront of something? Does your effort ever slack at those times?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
A Prelude to Confession.
The core values, motivations and traits of a person tend to stay constant throughout a lifetime. Yet through the course of a life the manner by which people either protect or project their deepest, most authentic selves may change in a dramatic fashion.
In terms relevant to this blog, we can sometimes become either more or less XYZ than we used to be. Sometimes we can even name the change, instead of having to use XYZ. And the irony of this post is that I, author of Too XYZ, have detected a shift within me that I can actually describe with actual words, and not my trademark Too XYZ.
What is this shift?
I need to interact with more accessible people about more of my issues.
Note that I said "interact" and not simply "share". Because sharing could be this blog post. Or a Facebook update. Or an email. I do that sometimes, with mixed limited results. But to interact with people about my sometime internal horrors would provide me with a ritual cleansing of sorts when the periodic fogs of spiritual and emotional warfare once again descend upon my heart. The notion of interaction in all of this is crucial, because I know a few people who care about me, but have no idea what to say, or even clam up when approached with negative topics. So their love is appreciated but I need those willing to engage with me as well.
I'm not totally silent. There may be a cryptic Facebook status here and there, or a weird tweet that gives some indication of the battle within. I get pissed and write about it here. But those are vague reflexive observances of my internal ordeal. They are almost side effects of the turmoil. That hint of steam emmerging from the pressure cooker as it does its work. Not a concerted effort to lay out in detail what I am grappling with at any given time.
For most of my life I have been okay with that. After all if I am going at it alone and not revealing the weird nature of my intangible plague of spirit, the solutions are all under my control. The attack plan is mine. The PR is mine. There are no questions. No judgment. But when there are no questions, I get to nowhere new. I don't see anything from more than one set of tired eyes. I don't form a new plan of attack. I detect the next enemy charge, dig in, and fire as many rounds as I can. When I am out of ammo, I duck and wait for it to pass, knowing that in the end, if nothing else, I will become too tired to fight against the unseen and will collapse, get looted and be left alone until I rebuild. Afterward I will dust myself off and head to rehearsal for my latest play, or type a chapter up in the novel and nobody knows the difference. Ty, as he always was.
I'm not okay with that anymore. I am still in many ways a private person, and I will always be an introvert. However, this business of polishing my persona to a show room shine before stepping out to be amongst people so they can't see what is happening has run its course in my life. I'm done with shining up the bronze statue of me people walk passed everyday. No matter how bizarre, stupid, or crazy people are going to find my fears and "demons", the time has come to be more frank about them.
The problem is, that will probably mean a mass exodus of some sort. I could be wrong of course, but it seems that over the years people have built up this idea of me. "Ty Unglebower", a character in the play of life, as opposed to Ty, the human being that is over at our house for dinner tonight. (It happens once in a while.) For many years that was easy. I'd go somewhere, be "Ty" for a while, and feel okay about it. Then I'd come back home, feel the fog descend, and fight my way out of it myself. In so doing, not only could everyone keep their idea of "Ty" alive, but I came away with a sense of empowered self-satisfaction. I had fought off the invisible attackers on my own. 50 against 1 victory was mine.
If you will recall in my bold print statement above, I called for accessible people as well. I emphasize I have some people who care. But interaction with the few of the most important ones can be difficult because of distance. There is always the phone or Facebook, yes, but when you are in the bunker, surrounded, and need ammo and reinforcements, nothing really beats having a physical presence there with you to talk out a few things. Yes, getting support from others via social media is better than nothing, but it makes it easy for others to be dismissive of my plight. Even if I share more than I have been, I get met with the atrocious silence, or with the flippant. I mentioned I felt as though I was in serious trouble the other day in my status. One response was "Good luck with that." Thanks a lot...
Yet despite the obvious risk, I think it is time. Time to be more open, more detailed, more frank about my struggles and pains. It won't be easy, to leave that bronze statue behind for a while. But the end result, hopefully, will be not only a greater understanding of me by people near and far, but also fewer solitary battles in the future. I pray that with this new candor, I will find my current people more willing to be there, and perhaps attract new, understanding people into my life that were not there before. Maybe even a few that have already beaten the same enemies I am fighting now.
The fog will lift. It would just be nice to hear friendly voices in it when it descends. Even if I can't see the faces.
In terms relevant to this blog, we can sometimes become either more or less XYZ than we used to be. Sometimes we can even name the change, instead of having to use XYZ. And the irony of this post is that I, author of Too XYZ, have detected a shift within me that I can actually describe with actual words, and not my trademark Too XYZ.
What is this shift?
I need to interact with more accessible people about more of my issues.
Note that I said "interact" and not simply "share". Because sharing could be this blog post. Or a Facebook update. Or an email. I do that sometimes, with mixed limited results. But to interact with people about my sometime internal horrors would provide me with a ritual cleansing of sorts when the periodic fogs of spiritual and emotional warfare once again descend upon my heart. The notion of interaction in all of this is crucial, because I know a few people who care about me, but have no idea what to say, or even clam up when approached with negative topics. So their love is appreciated but I need those willing to engage with me as well.
I'm not totally silent. There may be a cryptic Facebook status here and there, or a weird tweet that gives some indication of the battle within. I get pissed and write about it here. But those are vague reflexive observances of my internal ordeal. They are almost side effects of the turmoil. That hint of steam emmerging from the pressure cooker as it does its work. Not a concerted effort to lay out in detail what I am grappling with at any given time.
For most of my life I have been okay with that. After all if I am going at it alone and not revealing the weird nature of my intangible plague of spirit, the solutions are all under my control. The attack plan is mine. The PR is mine. There are no questions. No judgment. But when there are no questions, I get to nowhere new. I don't see anything from more than one set of tired eyes. I don't form a new plan of attack. I detect the next enemy charge, dig in, and fire as many rounds as I can. When I am out of ammo, I duck and wait for it to pass, knowing that in the end, if nothing else, I will become too tired to fight against the unseen and will collapse, get looted and be left alone until I rebuild. Afterward I will dust myself off and head to rehearsal for my latest play, or type a chapter up in the novel and nobody knows the difference. Ty, as he always was.
I'm not okay with that anymore. I am still in many ways a private person, and I will always be an introvert. However, this business of polishing my persona to a show room shine before stepping out to be amongst people so they can't see what is happening has run its course in my life. I'm done with shining up the bronze statue of me people walk passed everyday. No matter how bizarre, stupid, or crazy people are going to find my fears and "demons", the time has come to be more frank about them.
The problem is, that will probably mean a mass exodus of some sort. I could be wrong of course, but it seems that over the years people have built up this idea of me. "Ty Unglebower", a character in the play of life, as opposed to Ty, the human being that is over at our house for dinner tonight. (It happens once in a while.) For many years that was easy. I'd go somewhere, be "Ty" for a while, and feel okay about it. Then I'd come back home, feel the fog descend, and fight my way out of it myself. In so doing, not only could everyone keep their idea of "Ty" alive, but I came away with a sense of empowered self-satisfaction. I had fought off the invisible attackers on my own. 50 against 1 victory was mine.
If you will recall in my bold print statement above, I called for accessible people as well. I emphasize I have some people who care. But interaction with the few of the most important ones can be difficult because of distance. There is always the phone or Facebook, yes, but when you are in the bunker, surrounded, and need ammo and reinforcements, nothing really beats having a physical presence there with you to talk out a few things. Yes, getting support from others via social media is better than nothing, but it makes it easy for others to be dismissive of my plight. Even if I share more than I have been, I get met with the atrocious silence, or with the flippant. I mentioned I felt as though I was in serious trouble the other day in my status. One response was "Good luck with that." Thanks a lot...
Yet despite the obvious risk, I think it is time. Time to be more open, more detailed, more frank about my struggles and pains. It won't be easy, to leave that bronze statue behind for a while. But the end result, hopefully, will be not only a greater understanding of me by people near and far, but also fewer solitary battles in the future. I pray that with this new candor, I will find my current people more willing to be there, and perhaps attract new, understanding people into my life that were not there before. Maybe even a few that have already beaten the same enemies I am fighting now.
The fog will lift. It would just be nice to hear friendly voices in it when it descends. Even if I can't see the faces.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
No, I'm Not Happy for Jane.
I am Too XYZ to be inspired by the success of my peers.
The easy explanation would be jealousy. I want what they have. I cannot deny some of that may be at work. To some being jealous of other people is a sin. To others it is a motivation. To me, however, it is neither. It just sits there, in whatever quantity it decides to show up in for any given person or situation. It has zero effect on what I am capable of doing, one way or the other. It neither holds me back nor spurs me forward. My movement is my movement.
Which to me the bigger part of it is frustration and/or confusion. I see people who started blogging after I did, who are now making money doing so. People are are getting noticed and becoming quasi-famous. The social expectation is that I rejoice.
"Jane, I am so happy for you! You started off, worked hard, paid your dues, and now you are finally being rewarded for it!"
And sometimes I really do feel that happy for someone getting somewhere. Especially if it is somewhere I am not trying to go. But as often as not, I silently shake my head and say, "Here we go again."
Here we go again with someone else I know making good with a formula I busted my ass over to no avail. Here we go with the endless congratulatory tweets flooding our mutual Twitter feed. Here come the guest posts, the notoriety, the money. And worse of them all, the "you can do it too!" affirmations and the "aren't you so happy for Jane?" gushings that come from our mutual connections.
No, I am not happy for Jane. Why should I be happy for Jane, exactly? Her success does not bring me any success. Nothing I did was in any way related to her attaining her success. And frankly, if my history over the last two years in social media is any indication, Jane will very quickly find little time to speak to me, or return my emails anymore because she has gotten really busy with all of the phone calls and new work that has just flooded in her direction since her blog was mentioned on BigImportant.Com. In other words, a cost/benefit analysis of me has dropped my value in Jane's eyes significantly because I am still sitting here struggling with Too XYX on Blogger (how dare I?) and an average of 30 views per post. (On a good day.) I sometimes express doubt and fear on top of that. I am therefore not a positive energy flow for her, and should be avoided.
Or perhaps I am not kissing her ass enough, I don't know. It may amount to the same thing.
No, I don't especially feel happy for Jane. Nor am I in the mood to be told that I should. That her success doesn't mean I cannot also succeed if I do what she did.
That's part of the problem. I don't want to do what Jane did. I am not built to do it Jane's way, or your way. And though Jane and a lot of other people would rather cut their own throats on a live web-feed than admit this, they are lucky. At least at some point in time they got flat out stupid lucky, and nothing you say will ever convince me otherwise. And no matter how XYZ you are, you cannot replicate somebody elses luck.
I'm a student of history, so I am 23 steps ahead of all of you readers who are about to quote Thomas Jefferson's view of luck to me. The fact is, I do work at things. Hard. And I think it is the impression the Jane worked hard, and I do not which really makes it most difficult for me to celebrate along with the whole world as Jane sails. The impression that her advancement is due to work and positive thinking, so my stagnation must be due to me negativitiy and laziness. I have few trophies, so there is little reason for Twitter to be all aglow about how much work I have done to keep my head above water, or do the things with which I am uncomfortable.
My hard work may not be your hard work, but for the resources I have, it is just as hard if not harder, because the fruits of my labor are much smaller. Yet my hard work is easily dismissed by the vast majority of Janes out there, along with her cyber-sycophants. They refuse to believe that a person can be Too XYZ for cocktail parties and blog conventions and business card exchanges. They are literally under the impression that with a few select tough love stances they can reverse within me an entire lifetime worth of introversion and poor luck. They feel they can make me a superstar just by telling me to get out there, read a million books (all of which are the same), and start living. And yes, the first step is being happy for Jane when she makes it by doing half as much as I have done. To do otherwise is to be bitter, and bitter people never succeed.
What I am doing is my best at writing good content, marketing that content, meeting as many new people as I can in the manner that I am capable, asking people for help, offering mine, being persistent, and...getting absolutely nowhere in the process.
And then, when Jane and all of the others like her have exhausted all of their advice (assuming they bother to give me any), they eventually do one of two things. They tell me, "well, you are just going to have to change. I don't know what to tell you." Or they flat out dismiss me as some sort of log thrown in the way of their happy road to stardom which they think will taint their new road to success if approached. Fuck you too, Jane.
Let Jane continue to win by doing all of the ass kissing, story telling, cookie cutting life style choices she wants to make. That's all marketing, and that it works as often as it does is a testament to how dull and pointless much of the online world is. Where originality is punished and caution is seen as weakness. Where bad luck is a heresy and being in poverty is impossible. Let her and others like her soar to the heights that so many others "friends" of mine have soard before due to knowing the right person, or being a pain in the ass long enough to get a guest post somewhere or just otherwise whoring themselves up online. If they can live with themselves, so can I. But I will be damned if I am going to go out of my way and pretend that I am happy for them, just so that I can attract the allegedly helpful people out there who respond most to "hard working, positive thinkers."
Do I not believe that honest, hard working people, who do not sell themselves in the way I have described can get ahead? I do think it happens sometimes. If I am permitted to believe in a lucky break then yes, sometimes very agreeable, honest, and most of all authentic people do get to where they want to get, and beyond. I do believe their hard work can bring them some of those breaks. However if I must dismiss dumb luck from the equation 100%, then no, I don't believe such success stories exist, even for people I like.
But in the end, whether it be luck, or skill, good people or bad ones, authentic folks or media whores, my reaction is the same; their stories do not inspire me. They do not make me think that I can do it, and they do not give me a better view of the world simply because someone who deserved it got someplace they wanted to be. Maybe it is because I am spinning my wheels. Maybe it is because the nature of such people's lives and personalities are so far removed from my own that I simply cannot relate. But the moral of the story is that it can get really difficult hearing all of these success stories on all of these blogs and in all of these Twitter feeds. They serve as a discouragement to me, not an encouragement. And they are everywhere.
Do you in your heart and soul truly feel that happy for colleagues and friends when they succeed while you struggle? Or are your congratulations just the lip service you feel society and the internet expect you to pay in order to make you more apt to receive a bone of your own some day? If you can't answer that here, take some time and answer the question for yourself. Will the answer be what you think it is?
The easy explanation would be jealousy. I want what they have. I cannot deny some of that may be at work. To some being jealous of other people is a sin. To others it is a motivation. To me, however, it is neither. It just sits there, in whatever quantity it decides to show up in for any given person or situation. It has zero effect on what I am capable of doing, one way or the other. It neither holds me back nor spurs me forward. My movement is my movement.
Which to me the bigger part of it is frustration and/or confusion. I see people who started blogging after I did, who are now making money doing so. People are are getting noticed and becoming quasi-famous. The social expectation is that I rejoice.
"Jane, I am so happy for you! You started off, worked hard, paid your dues, and now you are finally being rewarded for it!"
And sometimes I really do feel that happy for someone getting somewhere. Especially if it is somewhere I am not trying to go. But as often as not, I silently shake my head and say, "Here we go again."
Here we go again with someone else I know making good with a formula I busted my ass over to no avail. Here we go with the endless congratulatory tweets flooding our mutual Twitter feed. Here come the guest posts, the notoriety, the money. And worse of them all, the "you can do it too!" affirmations and the "aren't you so happy for Jane?" gushings that come from our mutual connections.
No, I am not happy for Jane. Why should I be happy for Jane, exactly? Her success does not bring me any success. Nothing I did was in any way related to her attaining her success. And frankly, if my history over the last two years in social media is any indication, Jane will very quickly find little time to speak to me, or return my emails anymore because she has gotten really busy with all of the phone calls and new work that has just flooded in her direction since her blog was mentioned on BigImportant.Com. In other words, a cost/benefit analysis of me has dropped my value in Jane's eyes significantly because I am still sitting here struggling with Too XYX on Blogger (how dare I?) and an average of 30 views per post. (On a good day.) I sometimes express doubt and fear on top of that. I am therefore not a positive energy flow for her, and should be avoided.
Or perhaps I am not kissing her ass enough, I don't know. It may amount to the same thing.
No, I don't especially feel happy for Jane. Nor am I in the mood to be told that I should. That her success doesn't mean I cannot also succeed if I do what she did.
That's part of the problem. I don't want to do what Jane did. I am not built to do it Jane's way, or your way. And though Jane and a lot of other people would rather cut their own throats on a live web-feed than admit this, they are lucky. At least at some point in time they got flat out stupid lucky, and nothing you say will ever convince me otherwise. And no matter how XYZ you are, you cannot replicate somebody elses luck.
I'm a student of history, so I am 23 steps ahead of all of you readers who are about to quote Thomas Jefferson's view of luck to me. The fact is, I do work at things. Hard. And I think it is the impression the Jane worked hard, and I do not which really makes it most difficult for me to celebrate along with the whole world as Jane sails. The impression that her advancement is due to work and positive thinking, so my stagnation must be due to me negativitiy and laziness. I have few trophies, so there is little reason for Twitter to be all aglow about how much work I have done to keep my head above water, or do the things with which I am uncomfortable.
My hard work may not be your hard work, but for the resources I have, it is just as hard if not harder, because the fruits of my labor are much smaller. Yet my hard work is easily dismissed by the vast majority of Janes out there, along with her cyber-sycophants. They refuse to believe that a person can be Too XYZ for cocktail parties and blog conventions and business card exchanges. They are literally under the impression that with a few select tough love stances they can reverse within me an entire lifetime worth of introversion and poor luck. They feel they can make me a superstar just by telling me to get out there, read a million books (all of which are the same), and start living. And yes, the first step is being happy for Jane when she makes it by doing half as much as I have done. To do otherwise is to be bitter, and bitter people never succeed.
What I am doing is my best at writing good content, marketing that content, meeting as many new people as I can in the manner that I am capable, asking people for help, offering mine, being persistent, and...getting absolutely nowhere in the process.
And then, when Jane and all of the others like her have exhausted all of their advice (assuming they bother to give me any), they eventually do one of two things. They tell me, "well, you are just going to have to change. I don't know what to tell you." Or they flat out dismiss me as some sort of log thrown in the way of their happy road to stardom which they think will taint their new road to success if approached. Fuck you too, Jane.
Let Jane continue to win by doing all of the ass kissing, story telling, cookie cutting life style choices she wants to make. That's all marketing, and that it works as often as it does is a testament to how dull and pointless much of the online world is. Where originality is punished and caution is seen as weakness. Where bad luck is a heresy and being in poverty is impossible. Let her and others like her soar to the heights that so many others "friends" of mine have soard before due to knowing the right person, or being a pain in the ass long enough to get a guest post somewhere or just otherwise whoring themselves up online. If they can live with themselves, so can I. But I will be damned if I am going to go out of my way and pretend that I am happy for them, just so that I can attract the allegedly helpful people out there who respond most to "hard working, positive thinkers."
Do I not believe that honest, hard working people, who do not sell themselves in the way I have described can get ahead? I do think it happens sometimes. If I am permitted to believe in a lucky break then yes, sometimes very agreeable, honest, and most of all authentic people do get to where they want to get, and beyond. I do believe their hard work can bring them some of those breaks. However if I must dismiss dumb luck from the equation 100%, then no, I don't believe such success stories exist, even for people I like.
But in the end, whether it be luck, or skill, good people or bad ones, authentic folks or media whores, my reaction is the same; their stories do not inspire me. They do not make me think that I can do it, and they do not give me a better view of the world simply because someone who deserved it got someplace they wanted to be. Maybe it is because I am spinning my wheels. Maybe it is because the nature of such people's lives and personalities are so far removed from my own that I simply cannot relate. But the moral of the story is that it can get really difficult hearing all of these success stories on all of these blogs and in all of these Twitter feeds. They serve as a discouragement to me, not an encouragement. And they are everywhere.
Do you in your heart and soul truly feel that happy for colleagues and friends when they succeed while you struggle? Or are your congratulations just the lip service you feel society and the internet expect you to pay in order to make you more apt to receive a bone of your own some day? If you can't answer that here, take some time and answer the question for yourself. Will the answer be what you think it is?
Monday, May 2, 2011
The Death of Bin Laden and Our Reactions to Reactions
Last night was a big night for America in many ways. At least a big night for many Americans, and indeed those throughout the world. Osama Bin Laden, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, was killed by American special forces Pakistan. Crowds gathered outside the White House, at Ground Zero, and several other places to celebrate this fact. (Though from the footage it seems most of the crowd started to deteriorate into drunken debauchery after an hour or so in most locations.)
I, like I imagine everyone else, am still processing this. I don't know exactly how I feel now, and I may never. But I know for certainty that not everyone is celebrating this. And I don't refer to Al-Qaeda.
Yes, there are many reasons that good people have for not being happy about last night's celebrations of news that the most wanted man on Earth had been shot through the head and killed. I don't yet know if I share any of those concerns or not, but the point is that is we are not careful, we can lose sight of the truth about people. That they are very complex creatures.
Between the chants of "USA!" at baseball stadiums, spontaneous performances of The Star Spangled Banner in Times Square, and the eerie solemnity of the echoed voice of the President of the United States in an empty East Room that announced this death to the world, we must remember that the exuberance is not universal among decent people.
In the coming weeks much will be said about those who were quiet in the bars. Those who didn't post anything on Facebook, or more "dangerously", posted thoughts of sadness and mercy. Thoughts and emotions unfairly deemed by the masses as almost seditious. We must remain vigilant against this just as much as we must remain vigilant against a retaliatory strike against us.
My point does not apply only to the Bin Laden news, however. But the story serves as a stark reminder that each of us must not judge anyone by the nature of their visible reactions to something. No matter how universal a particular sentiment may seem, we cannot allow ourselves to forget, as we go about our day and our lives that each person deserves to be evaluated by their individual, inward motivations and moral compass, and not necessarily by their outward expressions and projections. Evil people exist. But do we dare make that determination based on a few moments observing their outward behavior?
The majority, and even the vast majority of sentiments about an event does not determine de facto appropriateness anymore than the rarity of a response determines de facto inappropriateness. Look deep into people when you can, and if you cannot, don't assign motivations to them. You're a better person than that.
I, like I imagine everyone else, am still processing this. I don't know exactly how I feel now, and I may never. But I know for certainty that not everyone is celebrating this. And I don't refer to Al-Qaeda.
Yes, there are many reasons that good people have for not being happy about last night's celebrations of news that the most wanted man on Earth had been shot through the head and killed. I don't yet know if I share any of those concerns or not, but the point is that is we are not careful, we can lose sight of the truth about people. That they are very complex creatures.
Between the chants of "USA!" at baseball stadiums, spontaneous performances of The Star Spangled Banner in Times Square, and the eerie solemnity of the echoed voice of the President of the United States in an empty East Room that announced this death to the world, we must remember that the exuberance is not universal among decent people.
In the coming weeks much will be said about those who were quiet in the bars. Those who didn't post anything on Facebook, or more "dangerously", posted thoughts of sadness and mercy. Thoughts and emotions unfairly deemed by the masses as almost seditious. We must remain vigilant against this just as much as we must remain vigilant against a retaliatory strike against us.
My point does not apply only to the Bin Laden news, however. But the story serves as a stark reminder that each of us must not judge anyone by the nature of their visible reactions to something. No matter how universal a particular sentiment may seem, we cannot allow ourselves to forget, as we go about our day and our lives that each person deserves to be evaluated by their individual, inward motivations and moral compass, and not necessarily by their outward expressions and projections. Evil people exist. But do we dare make that determination based on a few moments observing their outward behavior?
The majority, and even the vast majority of sentiments about an event does not determine de facto appropriateness anymore than the rarity of a response determines de facto inappropriateness. Look deep into people when you can, and if you cannot, don't assign motivations to them. You're a better person than that.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
A Time For Change? I Ask My Readers
I have been thinking about a few things related to this blog and my social media/internet presence in general. And as you probably gathered from my last post, I have not always been happy with what I see.
Not that I never am. I have met some people, and far more of them have turned out to be nice, than have turned out to be asses. I have gotten some advice from some of the good ones as well. And some of the good ones have written comments here.
Just today I met someone over on Brazen Careerist who complimented me on this blog, and the things I say in it. That is always good to hear.
That being said, it is probably what I say, far more than where I say it that is most important. Being able to easily share my ideas as well as my talent to as many people as possible as fast as possible is the primary concern of my online activity. And to that end, I have been kicking around the idea of changing the nature of my online presence. This blog doesn't seem to be accomplishing all of the goals I had for it when I created it, and I have pondered if trying things a bit differently would increase my chances of accomplishing more of my personal online goals.
To me, I see five several options.
1) Tighten the focus of this blog even further.
I could make the content even more specific to some aspect of myself, what I do, or what I want. Examples include converting this to a strictly introvert oriented blog. (Which in a sense it is now.) Or perhaps to a blog that is only about my writing adventures, much like Always Off Book is dedicated to my theatre adventures. Or, instead of "Too XYZ" being a general beacon of content, I could revamp every post from now on to very specifically mention the concept. Make every post an exact exploration of a particular way in which I am in fact Too XYZ.
2) Fold this, as well as Always Off Book and other endeavors into a new Ty Unglebower supersite.
This is the more complicated and more expensive approach, but one I have given more consideration to in the last two months than I have previously over the years. Everything I do would be consolidated into one central location. The archives for both of my blogs would survive and be accessible from the supersite, but future posts on a blog would then be posted to the site itself, possibly with tags or separate pages pertaining to each category. (All acting posts together in one place, all Too XYZ type posts in a another.)
I have talked this over with a few people online, and the basic idea seems possible, and as with many things there are about a dozen ways in which the same goal could be accomplished. None of which I totally understand yet. But I have a vision in my head as to how it would work. With one go-to online identity that included pictures, writing samples, a resume, and of course the always evolving blog content, I would feel more free to promote me and all that comes with me as opposed to trying to niche down everything that comes to mind. Pointing to "me" would be easier than directing different people to different places.
I have my online business card for this purpose in theory. But the company has been slow to correct some major bugs in their software, and it has never quite done what it was supposed to do. And even if it did, a supersite may still be in order.
The downside is, I feel that if I combine all aspects of my personal media into one place, each component loses a bit of something. (And in the case of Always Off Book, a project I have been working on for almost six years.) Plus I run the risk of being seen as some kind of Jack of all trades/master of none.
3) Terminate Too XYZ.
Not an easy thing to consider. But I sometimes wonder based on my numbers lately if I am continuing to reach an audience at all. I know I reach specific individuals, because they tell me so. But given how much time I put into writing a post, storing ideas for posts, publishing them, marketing them via BC and Twitter over and over, and getting in most cases little to no feedback on the ideas or posts, I am beginning to wander how much of an impact this blog is really having.
Always Off Book has been my blogging labor of love for as I said six years. I have known for a while few people read that, and it too did not accomplish what I set out for it to accomplish. (Seeing a pattern?) But That is a part of my theatre life now. I won't be getting rid of that totally anytime soon. (Except in a way, with Number 2 above.) So I know how to persist and write for a blog because it is important to me. I just don't know if it is worth the time to do that for two blogs that are not having the impact I had hoped for.
I have to wonder if the overall mission for Too XYZ has been accomplished.
4) Move Too XYZ to WordPress
Despite the fact that I have considered it, this still seems like one of the sillier options. I do not understand the hype about WordPress. I don't understand why people take a blog more seriously by default of it is WordPress than they do if it is Blogger. I find what experimentation I have done with the WordPress template to be quite confusing and counter intuitive. I am a WYSIWYG sort of publisher, and WordPress is far from that.
Yet for some as yet unexplained reason, people seem to think that a WordPress blog, as much of a pain in the ass as it is, is a better blog. Such people make style more important than substance in my view, and I have always choked on the very idea of making my content less important than the box it is in. Yet if there is any chance to beef up my readership somewhat by migrating, it may be worth it.
5) Change Nothing. Continue to promote and build an audience for a while longer.
Conclusion
The whole point of this recent brainstorming is to correct what I have perceived to be some of the weaknesses with my online presence as of late. There are a huge number of suggested hoops out there through which I will never be able to jump. The vast majority of the promotion and image advice I find out there, even from my decent, well meaning allies is simply not for me. That is not going to change. Yet if there are some smaller hoops out there that I can simply step through slowly which will be of assistance to my online reputation, without forcing me to alter my precepts, I am willing to take a few such steps.
The point of being online afterall is to share ideas. My ideas. The ideas will not change. The direction will not change. But the ideas have to be visible if they are to impact anyone for the better. And lately I am not sure they are getting out there. That is the impetus for these considerations.
So what does everyone think? Which of the five make most sense to you? Or would you advice something totally different? Please let me know, if we have not already talked about it privately. You can leave comments here, or email me if you prefer that.
Not that I never am. I have met some people, and far more of them have turned out to be nice, than have turned out to be asses. I have gotten some advice from some of the good ones as well. And some of the good ones have written comments here.
Just today I met someone over on Brazen Careerist who complimented me on this blog, and the things I say in it. That is always good to hear.
That being said, it is probably what I say, far more than where I say it that is most important. Being able to easily share my ideas as well as my talent to as many people as possible as fast as possible is the primary concern of my online activity. And to that end, I have been kicking around the idea of changing the nature of my online presence. This blog doesn't seem to be accomplishing all of the goals I had for it when I created it, and I have pondered if trying things a bit differently would increase my chances of accomplishing more of my personal online goals.
To me, I see five several options.
1) Tighten the focus of this blog even further.
I could make the content even more specific to some aspect of myself, what I do, or what I want. Examples include converting this to a strictly introvert oriented blog. (Which in a sense it is now.) Or perhaps to a blog that is only about my writing adventures, much like Always Off Book is dedicated to my theatre adventures. Or, instead of "Too XYZ" being a general beacon of content, I could revamp every post from now on to very specifically mention the concept. Make every post an exact exploration of a particular way in which I am in fact Too XYZ.
2) Fold this, as well as Always Off Book and other endeavors into a new Ty Unglebower supersite.
This is the more complicated and more expensive approach, but one I have given more consideration to in the last two months than I have previously over the years. Everything I do would be consolidated into one central location. The archives for both of my blogs would survive and be accessible from the supersite, but future posts on a blog would then be posted to the site itself, possibly with tags or separate pages pertaining to each category. (All acting posts together in one place, all Too XYZ type posts in a another.)
I have talked this over with a few people online, and the basic idea seems possible, and as with many things there are about a dozen ways in which the same goal could be accomplished. None of which I totally understand yet. But I have a vision in my head as to how it would work. With one go-to online identity that included pictures, writing samples, a resume, and of course the always evolving blog content, I would feel more free to promote me and all that comes with me as opposed to trying to niche down everything that comes to mind. Pointing to "me" would be easier than directing different people to different places.
I have my online business card for this purpose in theory. But the company has been slow to correct some major bugs in their software, and it has never quite done what it was supposed to do. And even if it did, a supersite may still be in order.
The downside is, I feel that if I combine all aspects of my personal media into one place, each component loses a bit of something. (And in the case of Always Off Book, a project I have been working on for almost six years.) Plus I run the risk of being seen as some kind of Jack of all trades/master of none.
3) Terminate Too XYZ.
Not an easy thing to consider. But I sometimes wonder based on my numbers lately if I am continuing to reach an audience at all. I know I reach specific individuals, because they tell me so. But given how much time I put into writing a post, storing ideas for posts, publishing them, marketing them via BC and Twitter over and over, and getting in most cases little to no feedback on the ideas or posts, I am beginning to wander how much of an impact this blog is really having.
Always Off Book has been my blogging labor of love for as I said six years. I have known for a while few people read that, and it too did not accomplish what I set out for it to accomplish. (Seeing a pattern?) But That is a part of my theatre life now. I won't be getting rid of that totally anytime soon. (Except in a way, with Number 2 above.) So I know how to persist and write for a blog because it is important to me. I just don't know if it is worth the time to do that for two blogs that are not having the impact I had hoped for.
I have to wonder if the overall mission for Too XYZ has been accomplished.
4) Move Too XYZ to WordPress
Despite the fact that I have considered it, this still seems like one of the sillier options. I do not understand the hype about WordPress. I don't understand why people take a blog more seriously by default of it is WordPress than they do if it is Blogger. I find what experimentation I have done with the WordPress template to be quite confusing and counter intuitive. I am a WYSIWYG sort of publisher, and WordPress is far from that.
Yet for some as yet unexplained reason, people seem to think that a WordPress blog, as much of a pain in the ass as it is, is a better blog. Such people make style more important than substance in my view, and I have always choked on the very idea of making my content less important than the box it is in. Yet if there is any chance to beef up my readership somewhat by migrating, it may be worth it.
5) Change Nothing. Continue to promote and build an audience for a while longer.
Conclusion
The whole point of this recent brainstorming is to correct what I have perceived to be some of the weaknesses with my online presence as of late. There are a huge number of suggested hoops out there through which I will never be able to jump. The vast majority of the promotion and image advice I find out there, even from my decent, well meaning allies is simply not for me. That is not going to change. Yet if there are some smaller hoops out there that I can simply step through slowly which will be of assistance to my online reputation, without forcing me to alter my precepts, I am willing to take a few such steps.
The point of being online afterall is to share ideas. My ideas. The ideas will not change. The direction will not change. But the ideas have to be visible if they are to impact anyone for the better. And lately I am not sure they are getting out there. That is the impetus for these considerations.
So what does everyone think? Which of the five make most sense to you? Or would you advice something totally different? Please let me know, if we have not already talked about it privately. You can leave comments here, or email me if you prefer that.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Still Too XYZ After All These Years
This post is angry. With reason. Yet, if you are one of those who feel anger is not an acceptable emotion, do me a favor and simply opt not to read this. For today I am angry. Tomorrow I won't be. Today I am weary. I one day will not be. My life is complicated, and if yours is not, or if you feel mine need not be, read no further. And certainly click away now if you judge an entire person by the days, weeks, or sometimes months of unhappiness with which they must sometimes deal as they try to find meaning in anything.
Too XYZ continues to be a very apt name for this blog, as the concept continues to very much apply to me in just about everything I do. There are very specific elements to my psyche that prevent me from doing specific things. Like the color blind attempting to interior decorate, or the tone deaf opting to offer singing lessons, there are things which no matter how valuable, I cannot do.
And I cannot do them because I am either missing something, or something is damaged, or atrophied within my being. Now former friends and supporters of my work have often climbed upon the highest of horses and declared from their lofty position that unless I suffer from a disease that is documented somewhere in the annals of either psychology or medicine, I have no right to claim occasional crippling difficulties with my life. That in the absence of such a diagnosis, any problems, difficulties, or obstacles I have faced as I try ferociously to succeed in a contrary world are 100% my own making. And hence unless I can prove otherwise, I can and must fix everything all by myself.
It is as though they were the principal in the school of life demanding from me a note from my doctor proving to them that I cannot come into school that day (a rather condescending requirement if you ask me).
Yet in some ways, Too XYZ has been my attempt at such a letter. Addressed not to the individual, but to the world, and ideally, those who share my view of same. Those with the same issues, whether or not there is a Latin term out there to describe them.
This blog is a place for me to be frank about my obstacles, internal and external. A place to express perceptions, plans, strategies and simple observations. A place to seek advice, and gain perspective.
Yet, as I have oft written about in previous posts, I usually just get the same perspective over and over again. And that perspective can be summed up in one tidy sentence.
Change what you are and what you do, because it currently isn't good enough.
The type of blog this is. My content. The way I market. The questions I ask. The help I seek, and the people from which I seek it. The problems I face and the solutions I offer. Even down to the font of my business cards, the nature of my profile picture, and the articles on which I choose to comment. No matter what I share with people, or no matter what of other people's advice I observe passively (by going to their blog, or reading their articles), it can just about all be summed up by that italicized sentence I posted above.
I guess if I had a response it would be "Easy for you to say."
Because to tell you the truth, whether it be the big gurus like Godin, or the CopyBlogger guy, or some of the people I have encountered personally in my social media travels over the last two years, I have noticed a pattern; basically none of them had to start what they are doing from Absolute Zero. I don't mean the lowest temperature in the universe, but having zero resources, zero friends, zero experience and zero money when they set off. That is the place I am coming from, and still struggling to get out of. I have not yet succeeded. That isn't to say I won't. Just that I haven't, and that I still don't know how.
Oh I know. Each of the people I am thinking of, whether familiar or famous, (and I am sick to realize that some of the people with which I am familiar are becoming famous by being great at being fake) will quickly point out just how hard it was when they started out. They had to have a big scary cry over quitting their 80K a year job when they started freelancing. "Could this work? What was I doing? Am I crazy?" But their 100K a year spouse reminded them to believe in themselves, and they pressed on. And they will tell you the horror stories of just how dumb they were at first. How they didn't know code, but learned it quickly because they had to. Or hated the idea of marketing but learned to love it. How they were introverted once, but became extroverted, and now can work the room with the best of them and make their fucking millions.
I have called it before, and I will again. Bullshit.
In each of the cases I am thinking of, the "rock star" in question, (whose ass everyone on the internet is happy to kiss in hopes of the magic rubbing off on their lips) had some kind of lucky break, or some kind of helping hand. And I don't mean advice, or a referral.
I am talking about, nobody surviving was based on their need to freelance. They were not in the poor house when they started up their business. They didn't deal with people who viewed them as unpleasant, cold, mean, or not worth the investment at every turn. They didn't have difficulty making people interested in them. Something within them or something about their situation over which they had no control put them ahead.
Now they don't like to think about it that way, because that means god forbid that perhaps they are not ninjas after all. That their own powers might not have brought the world to its knees before them. That they may not be quite as charming or "epic" as they need to believe they are to get through the day.
No, they may not say it, because they may not believe it on the inside, but they had some form of luck or circumstances to help them along. And for good measure they'll throw in an officially diagnosed eating disorder as the grand Deschapelles Coup of their own magnificence.
It is why I have all but stopped reading the blogs I used to read when I first entered the social media landscape on a regular basis. I was at one time subscribed to about 15 blog feeds or so, each of them it seems packed with advice for the freelance writer, the self improvement minded, the spiritually bent and the artistic. I have since canceled all of these feeds. Not just because they became boring (they did), but because I finally realized that despite the language used, such sites really are rather elitist in nature. They are for the most part not worried about helping you, so much as they are interested in making sure people succeed in the same way that they did. (Or at least the version of the way they did that they entertain in their own heads.)
In short, if you don't think you can do it their way, the advice is, "You have to. That's the world, bub."
And when you try to learn from them by asking them how you can be more like what they are, without changing what you are? When you get any response at all, (which I usually do not, regardless of how humble my approach), you get bitchy emails back that mock they very audacity you have shown in even suggesting that you are coming anywhere near their own level of commitment. Arrogant, bile ridden correspondence which made it clear that after reading the first three questions you asked them, they had no desire to even read the rest of your email until you "grow up and learn the ways of the world".
That's networking, to me, folks. Happens all the time. And the previous example is culled from my actual life, not hyperbole. It really happened in much the way I describe. And this wasn't even one of the gurus. Not yet anyway. This ass was a "friend" of mine. But like so many before her in this social media misadventure of mine, she was high on talk and low on action when it came to helping people. Very much willing to bend over backward to take what I had to offer her, but was too busy making her millions and rubbing elbows with the other internet elite to take a moment to offer me something of which I was in desperate need when I came to her.
Typical one-sided "what have you done for me lately" networking hypocrisy. And all because, as far as I can tell, I couldn't do what she had done. Or he. Or they. Or perhaps you? Because to tell you the truth, I shy away from advice these days. Even when I seek it, it is almost out of reflex. Because there is only so much of that sort of "tough love" a person like me can take. And if people only really want to reach out and help those that can in some way help them, that isn't help. That's bartering services.
Whether it be marketing, social media, freelance writing, contracts, fiction, networking, I can't do what everyone says I must. Why? Because I don't have the resources, the knowledge, or the resources to obtain the knowledge. So I seek to do it my own way. That is the message I have gotten from all the big wigs and self help types, and positive thinkers and creative visualizers, and the friendly extroverts. That I just don't have enough of whatever it takes to become whatever it is they say I need to become. And since there is only one narrow way they can think of that can bring about success, (their own), they just don't bother to reply to my questions in a prompt fashion, as they would for people who do it their way. Or they throw up their hands and say, "Don't know what to tell you. You are on your own." You're damn right I am.
I am not inspired by the success of other people, and I am baffled by those who are. This sharing in the joy song and dance is a front. My life is not improved because someone who started blogging a year after I started is already making 5,000 dollars a month blogging, when I make zero. I am not happy when "friends" become famous, because I know what it is they had to do in order to become so. Deep inside, I can't replicate it. Not because I am afraid. But because I simply am not built that way. I was, am, and shall remain, Too XYZ forthat narrow definition of "going after your dream."
I don't know how to do what all of you do. And I was fine with not knowing. And fine with learning what I could learn, and adapting to the rest. But that gets very lonely, and who wants to do everything alone? And if people can't advise those that are Too XYZ, must they spend their energy criticizing us too? Don't take out your obvious frustrations on not knowing the answers to any of my unique questions by scolding me for asking them in the first place. Stop assuming that my obstacles and handicaps make me less of a person, less deserving of success, simply because I don't have a note from the doctor.
I am trying to start this from nothing people. And I am probably not the only one. Take a minute out of your hardworking, successful, Seth Godin reading, friend cheering, article tweeting, extroverted networking, walking on sunshine sort of lives and remember that. We, the ones in the storm need help too. And if you can't provide it, at least have the decency to get the hell out of the way while we try to outrun the lightening.
Too XYZ continues to be a very apt name for this blog, as the concept continues to very much apply to me in just about everything I do. There are very specific elements to my psyche that prevent me from doing specific things. Like the color blind attempting to interior decorate, or the tone deaf opting to offer singing lessons, there are things which no matter how valuable, I cannot do.
And I cannot do them because I am either missing something, or something is damaged, or atrophied within my being. Now former friends and supporters of my work have often climbed upon the highest of horses and declared from their lofty position that unless I suffer from a disease that is documented somewhere in the annals of either psychology or medicine, I have no right to claim occasional crippling difficulties with my life. That in the absence of such a diagnosis, any problems, difficulties, or obstacles I have faced as I try ferociously to succeed in a contrary world are 100% my own making. And hence unless I can prove otherwise, I can and must fix everything all by myself.
It is as though they were the principal in the school of life demanding from me a note from my doctor proving to them that I cannot come into school that day (a rather condescending requirement if you ask me).
Yet in some ways, Too XYZ has been my attempt at such a letter. Addressed not to the individual, but to the world, and ideally, those who share my view of same. Those with the same issues, whether or not there is a Latin term out there to describe them.
This blog is a place for me to be frank about my obstacles, internal and external. A place to express perceptions, plans, strategies and simple observations. A place to seek advice, and gain perspective.
Yet, as I have oft written about in previous posts, I usually just get the same perspective over and over again. And that perspective can be summed up in one tidy sentence.
Change what you are and what you do, because it currently isn't good enough.
The type of blog this is. My content. The way I market. The questions I ask. The help I seek, and the people from which I seek it. The problems I face and the solutions I offer. Even down to the font of my business cards, the nature of my profile picture, and the articles on which I choose to comment. No matter what I share with people, or no matter what of other people's advice I observe passively (by going to their blog, or reading their articles), it can just about all be summed up by that italicized sentence I posted above.
I guess if I had a response it would be "Easy for you to say."
Because to tell you the truth, whether it be the big gurus like Godin, or the CopyBlogger guy, or some of the people I have encountered personally in my social media travels over the last two years, I have noticed a pattern; basically none of them had to start what they are doing from Absolute Zero. I don't mean the lowest temperature in the universe, but having zero resources, zero friends, zero experience and zero money when they set off. That is the place I am coming from, and still struggling to get out of. I have not yet succeeded. That isn't to say I won't. Just that I haven't, and that I still don't know how.
Oh I know. Each of the people I am thinking of, whether familiar or famous, (and I am sick to realize that some of the people with which I am familiar are becoming famous by being great at being fake) will quickly point out just how hard it was when they started out. They had to have a big scary cry over quitting their 80K a year job when they started freelancing. "Could this work? What was I doing? Am I crazy?" But their 100K a year spouse reminded them to believe in themselves, and they pressed on. And they will tell you the horror stories of just how dumb they were at first. How they didn't know code, but learned it quickly because they had to. Or hated the idea of marketing but learned to love it. How they were introverted once, but became extroverted, and now can work the room with the best of them and make their fucking millions.
I have called it before, and I will again. Bullshit.
In each of the cases I am thinking of, the "rock star" in question, (whose ass everyone on the internet is happy to kiss in hopes of the magic rubbing off on their lips) had some kind of lucky break, or some kind of helping hand. And I don't mean advice, or a referral.
I am talking about, nobody surviving was based on their need to freelance. They were not in the poor house when they started up their business. They didn't deal with people who viewed them as unpleasant, cold, mean, or not worth the investment at every turn. They didn't have difficulty making people interested in them. Something within them or something about their situation over which they had no control put them ahead.
Now they don't like to think about it that way, because that means god forbid that perhaps they are not ninjas after all. That their own powers might not have brought the world to its knees before them. That they may not be quite as charming or "epic" as they need to believe they are to get through the day.
No, they may not say it, because they may not believe it on the inside, but they had some form of luck or circumstances to help them along. And for good measure they'll throw in an officially diagnosed eating disorder as the grand Deschapelles Coup of their own magnificence.
It is why I have all but stopped reading the blogs I used to read when I first entered the social media landscape on a regular basis. I was at one time subscribed to about 15 blog feeds or so, each of them it seems packed with advice for the freelance writer, the self improvement minded, the spiritually bent and the artistic. I have since canceled all of these feeds. Not just because they became boring (they did), but because I finally realized that despite the language used, such sites really are rather elitist in nature. They are for the most part not worried about helping you, so much as they are interested in making sure people succeed in the same way that they did. (Or at least the version of the way they did that they entertain in their own heads.)
In short, if you don't think you can do it their way, the advice is, "You have to. That's the world, bub."
And when you try to learn from them by asking them how you can be more like what they are, without changing what you are? When you get any response at all, (which I usually do not, regardless of how humble my approach), you get bitchy emails back that mock they very audacity you have shown in even suggesting that you are coming anywhere near their own level of commitment. Arrogant, bile ridden correspondence which made it clear that after reading the first three questions you asked them, they had no desire to even read the rest of your email until you "grow up and learn the ways of the world".
That's networking, to me, folks. Happens all the time. And the previous example is culled from my actual life, not hyperbole. It really happened in much the way I describe. And this wasn't even one of the gurus. Not yet anyway. This ass was a "friend" of mine. But like so many before her in this social media misadventure of mine, she was high on talk and low on action when it came to helping people. Very much willing to bend over backward to take what I had to offer her, but was too busy making her millions and rubbing elbows with the other internet elite to take a moment to offer me something of which I was in desperate need when I came to her.
Typical one-sided "what have you done for me lately" networking hypocrisy. And all because, as far as I can tell, I couldn't do what she had done. Or he. Or they. Or perhaps you? Because to tell you the truth, I shy away from advice these days. Even when I seek it, it is almost out of reflex. Because there is only so much of that sort of "tough love" a person like me can take. And if people only really want to reach out and help those that can in some way help them, that isn't help. That's bartering services.
Whether it be marketing, social media, freelance writing, contracts, fiction, networking, I can't do what everyone says I must. Why? Because I don't have the resources, the knowledge, or the resources to obtain the knowledge. So I seek to do it my own way. That is the message I have gotten from all the big wigs and self help types, and positive thinkers and creative visualizers, and the friendly extroverts. That I just don't have enough of whatever it takes to become whatever it is they say I need to become. And since there is only one narrow way they can think of that can bring about success, (their own), they just don't bother to reply to my questions in a prompt fashion, as they would for people who do it their way. Or they throw up their hands and say, "Don't know what to tell you. You are on your own." You're damn right I am.
I am not inspired by the success of other people, and I am baffled by those who are. This sharing in the joy song and dance is a front. My life is not improved because someone who started blogging a year after I started is already making 5,000 dollars a month blogging, when I make zero. I am not happy when "friends" become famous, because I know what it is they had to do in order to become so. Deep inside, I can't replicate it. Not because I am afraid. But because I simply am not built that way. I was, am, and shall remain, Too XYZ forthat narrow definition of "going after your dream."
I don't know how to do what all of you do. And I was fine with not knowing. And fine with learning what I could learn, and adapting to the rest. But that gets very lonely, and who wants to do everything alone? And if people can't advise those that are Too XYZ, must they spend their energy criticizing us too? Don't take out your obvious frustrations on not knowing the answers to any of my unique questions by scolding me for asking them in the first place. Stop assuming that my obstacles and handicaps make me less of a person, less deserving of success, simply because I don't have a note from the doctor.
I am trying to start this from nothing people. And I am probably not the only one. Take a minute out of your hardworking, successful, Seth Godin reading, friend cheering, article tweeting, extroverted networking, walking on sunshine sort of lives and remember that. We, the ones in the storm need help too. And if you can't provide it, at least have the decency to get the hell out of the way while we try to outrun the lightening.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Extreme Moderation and How to Avoid It
One of my good friends had a birthday this week. The following day on her Facebook status, she mentioned that there were so many baked goods laying around the house from the celebration, and that she was very tempted to have many of them. Her status ended with, "Moderation!"
I responded by saying that moderation was relative, and that if she considered the span of her entire life on Earth, and how the vast majority of that time she would not be eating cake, she could make the argument that having several today would not counteract her desire to be moderate.
This response received several "likes" from people, including the birthday girl herself. (Whether or not she actually had more of the baked goods that day, I don't know. I didn't ask.)
My response was a joke, but only partially. Because I have come to determine a very interesting, and perhaps mind-bending irony; everything should be pursued in moderation, including moderation itself.
What the hell am I talking about? It's not quite as bizarre as it sounds.
The entire point of adopting a moderate lifestyle, whether it be the "Nothing in Excess" model of the ancient Greeks, or The Middle Way of the Buddhists, is to avoid extremes. In thought, word, and deed.
But suppose one becomes ultra-committed to moderation? So preoccupied with the idea of falling right in the middle of every spectrum, that they obsess over it? Every drink they grab, every party they attend, every item they purchase, every lover they take, their first thought is, "is this extreme?" They are in a constant state of examining every thing they say, think, do, or own, to make sure it does not fall into any of the extremes of life. And should they feel tempted to, or heaven forbid actually engage in one of the extremes? Well, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but a good second place is how obsessive moderates treat themselves when they go off the wagon of something.
Doesn't all of that sound a bit, well, extreme?
So, as crazy as it sounds, we have to moderate our moderation, just as much as we moderate everything else.
If we moderate our alcohol intake, we don't get drunk and puke every time it is served. If we moderate our eating habits, we do not eat only kale 24/7. And if we moderate our moderation, what does that mean? It means that moderation is a standard we apply over the course of an entire lifetime, and not to every moment of every day.
To be "middle of the road moderates", we need to splurge. Sometimes. Break our diets. Get a little tipsy. Laugh too loud at the restaurant. By letting ourselves be somewhat extreme in any given circumstance, we maintain the value of moderation as a way of life in general.
Maintaining the balance is still a tricky endeavor for us. Both because it can be tempting to just say "to hell with it" and go nuts, but also because the middle of any spectrum isn't often easy to identify. But we get a step closer to clarity on such things, when we take a step away and don't crucify ourselves for our innocent moments of extremity.
Do you allow yourself to be extreme sometimes?
I responded by saying that moderation was relative, and that if she considered the span of her entire life on Earth, and how the vast majority of that time she would not be eating cake, she could make the argument that having several today would not counteract her desire to be moderate.
This response received several "likes" from people, including the birthday girl herself. (Whether or not she actually had more of the baked goods that day, I don't know. I didn't ask.)
My response was a joke, but only partially. Because I have come to determine a very interesting, and perhaps mind-bending irony; everything should be pursued in moderation, including moderation itself.
What the hell am I talking about? It's not quite as bizarre as it sounds.
The entire point of adopting a moderate lifestyle, whether it be the "Nothing in Excess" model of the ancient Greeks, or The Middle Way of the Buddhists, is to avoid extremes. In thought, word, and deed.
But suppose one becomes ultra-committed to moderation? So preoccupied with the idea of falling right in the middle of every spectrum, that they obsess over it? Every drink they grab, every party they attend, every item they purchase, every lover they take, their first thought is, "is this extreme?" They are in a constant state of examining every thing they say, think, do, or own, to make sure it does not fall into any of the extremes of life. And should they feel tempted to, or heaven forbid actually engage in one of the extremes? Well, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but a good second place is how obsessive moderates treat themselves when they go off the wagon of something.
Doesn't all of that sound a bit, well, extreme?
So, as crazy as it sounds, we have to moderate our moderation, just as much as we moderate everything else.
If we moderate our alcohol intake, we don't get drunk and puke every time it is served. If we moderate our eating habits, we do not eat only kale 24/7. And if we moderate our moderation, what does that mean? It means that moderation is a standard we apply over the course of an entire lifetime, and not to every moment of every day.
To be "middle of the road moderates", we need to splurge. Sometimes. Break our diets. Get a little tipsy. Laugh too loud at the restaurant. By letting ourselves be somewhat extreme in any given circumstance, we maintain the value of moderation as a way of life in general.
Maintaining the balance is still a tricky endeavor for us. Both because it can be tempting to just say "to hell with it" and go nuts, but also because the middle of any spectrum isn't often easy to identify. But we get a step closer to clarity on such things, when we take a step away and don't crucify ourselves for our innocent moments of extremity.
Do you allow yourself to be extreme sometimes?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Sculpting Relationships
I've been thinking lately about relationships. To be more specific, personal relationships. (As opposed to professional relationships in this case.) How easily we can sometimes allow them to become stale. Or how often we fool ourselves into thinking a good initial rapport with someone is the same as a strong relationship with them. How, when held up to the light some of our top "friendships" are actually rather superficial.
And there isn't anything wrong with superficial relationships, so long as we know what they are and accept them as such. But we also sometimes need and want strong, solid relationships with those we value. And when we do, I have often thought that it is like sculpting something out of clay. It takes attention, care, passion, and often meticulous effort. But for people we value, it ends up being worth it.
We can't of course have a strong relationship with everyone. Nobody loves everybody on a personal level. But that doesn't mean that we can't explore and evolve relationships with those whom we value, beyond what they are today. For some, we may find the relationship blossoms into deep friendship or love. (Or "love"). For others a new admiration, or merely a better understanding of a person will result. All of these evolutions are worth it most of the time.
And what are some good ways to develop sincerity and depth in relationships? When we have decided to pursue a relationship beyond the superficial, what might we do? After some thought, I have come up with some ideas. In no particular order, here are a few of the big ones.
-Ask people to tell you stories. Real stories. Stories of their best moments, their worst moments, or just what they did with their time yesterday. People conceive, fashion, and tell (and re-tell) their personal stories based on that which moved them most, in hopes of reliving, better understanding, healing from, or just plain sharing that which is most influential to them in any given context. By telling those stories we open ourselves up to those around us. By listening to the stories of others, we show them that we care about relating to them on a less superficial level. When we ask them to tell us one of their stories, we are saying "I value you now, and would like to understand you and get to know you even better. Will you give me that opportunity?"
-Once we know who we love, be more willing to tell them so. But do so without explanation or clarification. By clarifying we cheapen and dilute the experience both for ourselves and the person we love. And if we are eager to explain what kind of love, and what the implications of that love are, what we are actually doing is acting more out of fear than we are out of love. Fear of rejection. Fear of intimacy for which we are unprepared from the other person. Fear of being misinterpreted. Love is multi-faceted and complicated to be sure, but if we pay closer attention to how we truly define it, and to when, how, and to whom we say it, we shouldn't need to explain it. If you still feel you have to, consider that it isn't love you are feeling at all for the person, but admiration. (Which is fine as well!)
As a last resort, make the mostly false distinction of being "in love" when that is what you are feeling, and let "love" represent all the other kinds of love you can feel. And leave it at that.
-Accept and ask for help as often as you offer it yourself. It may seem counter-intuitive in our "independence" based culture, but by asking for and accepting help when we need it, especially for the emotional things, we are showing other people that we trust them, respect their strengths, and that we are secure enough in ourselves to admit, at least to select people, that we cannot do everything.
Plus it makes those who care about you feel as though they are contributing to your well being, even if all they can do is be present when you would rather not be alone. So important is this, that we should be willing to ask our friends and loved ones for help, even if we truly believe that we can manage all by ourselves. Because even if we can, we shouldn't. And we may find we are not as able to go at it alone as we initially believe, anyway. Let help and support be like an unbounded life force that flies back and forth between you and those you value. Something you sometimes give and sometimes receive.
-Check in on people to see how they are doing, even if they don't appear to be in any pain. Because they might be. And even if they are not, the inquiry means a lot.
-Let people that matter to you know when they have hurt you. Or angered you, or confused you. Always be open with how you are made to FEEL by someone, even if you cannot share what you THINK all of the time. (And note the difference.)
-ALWAYS apologize. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS tell someone that you are sorry for hurting them. Even, and especially when you don't see how or why your actions would have hurt the other person. Apologize when you didn't meant to hurt them. Apologize even if you felt compelled to take the action that they found hurtful, even if you would, as a matter of conscience take that action again. Apologize even if you could not help but take the hurtful action.
To be aware that you have hurt someone, even if you think it is silly, and to not apologize is to dismiss their heart and declare it irrelevant to you. And if their heart is irrelevant to you, how can they matter as a human being in your life, no matter what you claim before or after such a dismissal? Apologies are not rejections of your own morality. Apologies are not a confession of being 100% at fault, nor are they a capitulation to somebody elses will. They are an acknowledgment that human beings can be both very deep, and very diverse, and that in order to truly value someone else, we must honor that which both pleases and pains them. Even if it means a certain subject can never be discussed, or our time with them must eventually be decreased, we should always regret, and SAY we regret causing pain to someone else.
We must not confuse apologizing for what we DID with apologizing for who we ARE. There is a difference, and not being able to tell the difference prevents us from apologizing when we hurt someone. And that can be twice as hurtful.
-Listen to at least SOME of their favorite music with which you are not already familiar. Borrow the album or download the songs that speak deepest to the person in question. And really listen to them. Even if you don't like the music enough to listen to it again, put the effort into absorbing the music at least once. Few things are more outwardly indicative of the wavelength of a person's soul than the music they listen to. Be willing to share some of your music with others as well, for the same reason, should they be open to do so. (And hopefully, they will be.)
-Have a meal at someone's private table. Not munching away on a paper plate at someone's party, or grabbing something on the go on your way to someplace else. There will be plenty of time for such adventures. But if you have the chance to sit at their table for a regular meal, or have them sit at yours for same, take that chance. If you and they can become comfortable with you in that setting, you are connecting to their home in a way that a simple visit or a party may not allow. (Believe me, this is hard as hell for me to do the first few times...)
-If it is not an obviously private or personal affair, invite the people you value to events or activities you are attending, even if you don't think they would enjoy them. Firstly, there is value in the invitation, even if it is declined. And secondly, they may surprise you and choose to show up, either to be with you, or to enjoy something new. (Or maybe you were wrong, and they enjoy such things after all!)
-Get back to all messages someone sends you, eventually. And if life will not allow a prompt response, simply let people know you may not get back to them for a while. Most people can understand being busy, but it is hard to not take it personally when someone never, EVER manages to get back to you.
-Do not ask people for their opinions on vital personal matters unless you are prepared to hear the view you would find the least pleasing. And when/if they share said view, do not judge your friendship on the opinion they give, but on the honesty with which they gave the opinion, and the courage it required. On the other side, offer an unsolicited opinion to someone on a sensitive subject only if after much consideration you believe in your heart of hearts that the person you value is making a destructive choice, or is otherwise not approaching something from a mentally healthy frame of mind, and if you believe you are the only person that can point this out to them.
-Give sincere, restrained compliments to people when you can. This shows you value their traits, and their personality, but are not moved to gushing about same. It's better at first to compliment things over which they have control or choice, like styles, decisions, or creations, as opposed to things over which they have little control. (Such as looks.) If you can, include in the compliment how the trait makes you feel. ("You're persistence in matters of morality inspires me in my own.")
-Even more importantly perhaps, ACCEPT compliments from other people. Even if they are sloppy, or awkward, or not well worded, or just plain no big deal to you. Don't deflect them with false modesty. People appreciate different things in us. Some people appreciate things we do not even see in ourselves. To reject compliments is not so much modest, as it is a reflection that we do not believe the other person is sincere. (Or that we do not believe we are good enough to be worthy of anyone's compliment.) There are times when history has taught us someone is not being sincere, but until that is well established, accept with grace the compliments people have offered you.
-Laugh with each other a lot. Cry with each other sometimes.
So those are some of the big ones I have been thinking about lately. It is of course not an exhaustive list, but it covers a lot of the big things to me. Exceptions always exist, of course. But I humbly submit that if we all did more of these sort of things with more of our friends, our relationships would be far more sincere and thus more rewarding.
And there isn't anything wrong with superficial relationships, so long as we know what they are and accept them as such. But we also sometimes need and want strong, solid relationships with those we value. And when we do, I have often thought that it is like sculpting something out of clay. It takes attention, care, passion, and often meticulous effort. But for people we value, it ends up being worth it.
We can't of course have a strong relationship with everyone. Nobody loves everybody on a personal level. But that doesn't mean that we can't explore and evolve relationships with those whom we value, beyond what they are today. For some, we may find the relationship blossoms into deep friendship or love. (Or "love"). For others a new admiration, or merely a better understanding of a person will result. All of these evolutions are worth it most of the time.
And what are some good ways to develop sincerity and depth in relationships? When we have decided to pursue a relationship beyond the superficial, what might we do? After some thought, I have come up with some ideas. In no particular order, here are a few of the big ones.
-Ask people to tell you stories. Real stories. Stories of their best moments, their worst moments, or just what they did with their time yesterday. People conceive, fashion, and tell (and re-tell) their personal stories based on that which moved them most, in hopes of reliving, better understanding, healing from, or just plain sharing that which is most influential to them in any given context. By telling those stories we open ourselves up to those around us. By listening to the stories of others, we show them that we care about relating to them on a less superficial level. When we ask them to tell us one of their stories, we are saying "I value you now, and would like to understand you and get to know you even better. Will you give me that opportunity?"
-Once we know who we love, be more willing to tell them so. But do so without explanation or clarification. By clarifying we cheapen and dilute the experience both for ourselves and the person we love. And if we are eager to explain what kind of love, and what the implications of that love are, what we are actually doing is acting more out of fear than we are out of love. Fear of rejection. Fear of intimacy for which we are unprepared from the other person. Fear of being misinterpreted. Love is multi-faceted and complicated to be sure, but if we pay closer attention to how we truly define it, and to when, how, and to whom we say it, we shouldn't need to explain it. If you still feel you have to, consider that it isn't love you are feeling at all for the person, but admiration. (Which is fine as well!)
As a last resort, make the mostly false distinction of being "in love" when that is what you are feeling, and let "love" represent all the other kinds of love you can feel. And leave it at that.
-Accept and ask for help as often as you offer it yourself. It may seem counter-intuitive in our "independence" based culture, but by asking for and accepting help when we need it, especially for the emotional things, we are showing other people that we trust them, respect their strengths, and that we are secure enough in ourselves to admit, at least to select people, that we cannot do everything.
Plus it makes those who care about you feel as though they are contributing to your well being, even if all they can do is be present when you would rather not be alone. So important is this, that we should be willing to ask our friends and loved ones for help, even if we truly believe that we can manage all by ourselves. Because even if we can, we shouldn't. And we may find we are not as able to go at it alone as we initially believe, anyway. Let help and support be like an unbounded life force that flies back and forth between you and those you value. Something you sometimes give and sometimes receive.
-Check in on people to see how they are doing, even if they don't appear to be in any pain. Because they might be. And even if they are not, the inquiry means a lot.
-Let people that matter to you know when they have hurt you. Or angered you, or confused you. Always be open with how you are made to FEEL by someone, even if you cannot share what you THINK all of the time. (And note the difference.)
-ALWAYS apologize. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS tell someone that you are sorry for hurting them. Even, and especially when you don't see how or why your actions would have hurt the other person. Apologize when you didn't meant to hurt them. Apologize even if you felt compelled to take the action that they found hurtful, even if you would, as a matter of conscience take that action again. Apologize even if you could not help but take the hurtful action.
To be aware that you have hurt someone, even if you think it is silly, and to not apologize is to dismiss their heart and declare it irrelevant to you. And if their heart is irrelevant to you, how can they matter as a human being in your life, no matter what you claim before or after such a dismissal? Apologies are not rejections of your own morality. Apologies are not a confession of being 100% at fault, nor are they a capitulation to somebody elses will. They are an acknowledgment that human beings can be both very deep, and very diverse, and that in order to truly value someone else, we must honor that which both pleases and pains them. Even if it means a certain subject can never be discussed, or our time with them must eventually be decreased, we should always regret, and SAY we regret causing pain to someone else.
We must not confuse apologizing for what we DID with apologizing for who we ARE. There is a difference, and not being able to tell the difference prevents us from apologizing when we hurt someone. And that can be twice as hurtful.
-Listen to at least SOME of their favorite music with which you are not already familiar. Borrow the album or download the songs that speak deepest to the person in question. And really listen to them. Even if you don't like the music enough to listen to it again, put the effort into absorbing the music at least once. Few things are more outwardly indicative of the wavelength of a person's soul than the music they listen to. Be willing to share some of your music with others as well, for the same reason, should they be open to do so. (And hopefully, they will be.)
-Have a meal at someone's private table. Not munching away on a paper plate at someone's party, or grabbing something on the go on your way to someplace else. There will be plenty of time for such adventures. But if you have the chance to sit at their table for a regular meal, or have them sit at yours for same, take that chance. If you and they can become comfortable with you in that setting, you are connecting to their home in a way that a simple visit or a party may not allow. (Believe me, this is hard as hell for me to do the first few times...)
-If it is not an obviously private or personal affair, invite the people you value to events or activities you are attending, even if you don't think they would enjoy them. Firstly, there is value in the invitation, even if it is declined. And secondly, they may surprise you and choose to show up, either to be with you, or to enjoy something new. (Or maybe you were wrong, and they enjoy such things after all!)
-Get back to all messages someone sends you, eventually. And if life will not allow a prompt response, simply let people know you may not get back to them for a while. Most people can understand being busy, but it is hard to not take it personally when someone never, EVER manages to get back to you.
-Do not ask people for their opinions on vital personal matters unless you are prepared to hear the view you would find the least pleasing. And when/if they share said view, do not judge your friendship on the opinion they give, but on the honesty with which they gave the opinion, and the courage it required. On the other side, offer an unsolicited opinion to someone on a sensitive subject only if after much consideration you believe in your heart of hearts that the person you value is making a destructive choice, or is otherwise not approaching something from a mentally healthy frame of mind, and if you believe you are the only person that can point this out to them.
-Give sincere, restrained compliments to people when you can. This shows you value their traits, and their personality, but are not moved to gushing about same. It's better at first to compliment things over which they have control or choice, like styles, decisions, or creations, as opposed to things over which they have little control. (Such as looks.) If you can, include in the compliment how the trait makes you feel. ("You're persistence in matters of morality inspires me in my own.")
-Even more importantly perhaps, ACCEPT compliments from other people. Even if they are sloppy, or awkward, or not well worded, or just plain no big deal to you. Don't deflect them with false modesty. People appreciate different things in us. Some people appreciate things we do not even see in ourselves. To reject compliments is not so much modest, as it is a reflection that we do not believe the other person is sincere. (Or that we do not believe we are good enough to be worthy of anyone's compliment.) There are times when history has taught us someone is not being sincere, but until that is well established, accept with grace the compliments people have offered you.
-Laugh with each other a lot. Cry with each other sometimes.
So those are some of the big ones I have been thinking about lately. It is of course not an exhaustive list, but it covers a lot of the big things to me. Exceptions always exist, of course. But I humbly submit that if we all did more of these sort of things with more of our friends, our relationships would be far more sincere and thus more rewarding.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Now To Help (And NOT to Help)
Expertise is often a foundation of networking, both professional and personal. If you are willing to share your expertise or opinion with someone who is seeking same, you may find yourself a very grateful new contact, who will be there to help you should you ever require it.
There are any number of ways to achieve this, whether online or in person. Trade shows. Message boards. Even blogs and Twitter. But to me there is a surefire way to drive away at least half of the people that came to you for help in your area of knowledge, regardless of the medium.
If you want to never be asked for your help or advice again, make extra sure to ignore the particulars of the one asking for your assistance.
Help is, after all, not a one size fits all concept. Different people have different levels of understanding, different resources, and different goals. When you assume that every person you help is at the highest level of each of these, your "help" becomes more like a exhibition of how much you know. Which is quite different from lending assistance.
Let's look at a hypothetical. I am sure that many of you have encountered this sort of thread in a message board or other similar media. Maybe you have even had the displeasure of dealing with such a person in real life. But for now, let's pretend we are visiting a reputable message board for discussing digital video. (The problem I talk about does seem to happen most often with computer oriented problems, but it is not limited to same.) An entry appears as follows.
"Hello all. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I've recently purchased a Lava 3 digital camcorder from a friend. I love it and it does exactly what I need it to do for my family picnic videos and a few other family activities. But now I'd like a chance to make something special for my grandmother, who couldn't make it to our house this summer. (A little music in the background, a text title here and there, she'd enjoy that!) I bought TriloMorph on sale, and was installing it, but I can't quite get my hard drive to read some of the extras. I know it works, because I've seen other use it with these type of computers, and I have done a lot with it at work. I'm comfortable with the interface, and that's why I chose it. I'm not a techie, so any help would be appreciated."
Now let's look at a common sort of response such people get.
"Step One: Gather your receipt, put it in a bag, get in your car, return to the store IMMEDIATELY and return the garbage..err, I mean TriloMorph and get your 40 dollars back.
Step Two: Take that 40 dollars and invest it towards the $375 you'll need to get SnipCrystal, which is an actual video editing software that produces quality videos your grandmother might, I don't know, actually want to watch. Seriously, TriloMorph runs a CXT based system which may be good if you are making a 5 minute YouTube clip of a cat farting, but it has no graphic equalizer, no saturation compensation, minimal layering, and, thus far, no SmartPhone App to go with it. SnipCrystal has all of these things and more. The price is much higher, by you get what you pay for, and those who sit down to watch your videos will thank you later.
Oh and if there is anyway to use anything OTHER than a Lava 3 for you videos, like say, the Neptune 40X, that wouldn't hurt either.
Does this guy get a commission for selling stuff or what?
What we have here is someone that is obviously very knowledgeable in the subject, and someone who frequents the help boards for same. He has no problem expressing his knowledge. But the problem? He has not in the slightest way helped the poster who asked for it.
Okay, one could argue he was sort of helping in an obtuse way by suggesting what he considered to be better software. That is often the defense of people who reply in this fashion. But let's take a look at how this guy's expertise was of no use to the one who sought it.
--For starter's he was sarcastic about it. The whole "get in the car and get a refund" bit is, sadly, a real example from my experiences seeking help from others.
--He ended by taking a swipe at the poster's camcorder, about which he did not even ask a question. The expert has a hard time believing anyone would be happy with a Lava 3, even if they directly say, "I love it".
--The "expert" makes pretty broad assumptions about the poster's technical knowledge. He mentions many things about systems, stabilization, and other options, and instantly makes those the selling point of SnipCrystal. But had he really paid attention to what was being asked, he'd realize that the poster wasn't concerned about any of that. He already knows what TriloMorph can do, and that is what he wants. Perhaps because he understands it already, and isn't sure about all of the other stuff.
--The poster didn't ask for advice on the best video editor out there. He already expressed that he was comfortable with using TriloMorph, and had been totally happy with the results. He already owns the software. Certainly he knows his own grandmother, and that she will be happy with the results of TriloMorph. . But in this expert's mind, there is only ONE best. Even if SnipCrystal is in fact the state of the art software at this time, he is still assuming that everyone everywhere wants the best. He operates under the assumption that any advice anywhere should be designed to obtain one thing and one thing only...industry best.
And that's part of the problem. All of the assumptions that are made. People come to you for advice because they have a pre-existing set of circumstances. They are unsure how to proceed, so they seek your expertise. But your expertise is of no use to them if your first goal is to change their circumstances. You may have the best of intentions, but if you don't take into consideration what it is the person wants, and what they come to you with, you are basically just mentioning how inadequate they and their goals are to you.
What if someone on that same message board had responded this way?
I haven't used TriloMorph in a few years, so some of my knowledge may be outdated here, but from what you are describing, you seem to be missing a patch that came out about a year ago. You should be able to download it at the TriloMorph website (TriloMorph.com) A lot of it of course depends on what kind of computer you have, too, so if you try to patch and it doesn't work, let us know the specifics of your device, and we will see what we can do from there to get TriloMorph up and running.
This person is also one of expertise. But unlike the first example he has taken into account what the poster is, has, and hopes to do. And he has used his knowledge to pull together an answer which will address the specific needs of the poster, as opposed to the objective pursuit of the highest quality home video production equipment. In other words, this second answer was focused on the one needing help, and not the one giving help.
Now of course, beyond a certain point, a person may have to upgrade, or change their tack with something. We get to a point where what a person comes to us with just simply will not work. But there is a difference between something being impossible, and something being less efficient, or less popular. Some people, myself included, like to master what we have, find its strengths and weaknesses, and over time, if we feel the need, move on to something else. If people like me jump right to the most expensive, biggest, loudest, trendiest widget or approach or class out there, we are just going to end up falling behind, or worse, resent how much information is being thrown at us all at once.
If someone is Too XYZ to take the highway, but you do in fact know a detour, share that with them. Show them the way to their own success, even if it is not the way you yourself would go. If you do that, you become people based, and regardless of the topic, you will be seen as helpful. And, best of all, you will be seen as worth helping in the future when you need it.
There are any number of ways to achieve this, whether online or in person. Trade shows. Message boards. Even blogs and Twitter. But to me there is a surefire way to drive away at least half of the people that came to you for help in your area of knowledge, regardless of the medium.
If you want to never be asked for your help or advice again, make extra sure to ignore the particulars of the one asking for your assistance.
Help is, after all, not a one size fits all concept. Different people have different levels of understanding, different resources, and different goals. When you assume that every person you help is at the highest level of each of these, your "help" becomes more like a exhibition of how much you know. Which is quite different from lending assistance.
Let's look at a hypothetical. I am sure that many of you have encountered this sort of thread in a message board or other similar media. Maybe you have even had the displeasure of dealing with such a person in real life. But for now, let's pretend we are visiting a reputable message board for discussing digital video. (The problem I talk about does seem to happen most often with computer oriented problems, but it is not limited to same.) An entry appears as follows.
"Hello all. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I've recently purchased a Lava 3 digital camcorder from a friend. I love it and it does exactly what I need it to do for my family picnic videos and a few other family activities. But now I'd like a chance to make something special for my grandmother, who couldn't make it to our house this summer. (A little music in the background, a text title here and there, she'd enjoy that!) I bought TriloMorph on sale, and was installing it, but I can't quite get my hard drive to read some of the extras. I know it works, because I've seen other use it with these type of computers, and I have done a lot with it at work. I'm comfortable with the interface, and that's why I chose it. I'm not a techie, so any help would be appreciated."
Now let's look at a common sort of response such people get.
"Step One: Gather your receipt, put it in a bag, get in your car, return to the store IMMEDIATELY and return the garbage..err, I mean TriloMorph and get your 40 dollars back.
Step Two: Take that 40 dollars and invest it towards the $375 you'll need to get SnipCrystal, which is an actual video editing software that produces quality videos your grandmother might, I don't know, actually want to watch. Seriously, TriloMorph runs a CXT based system which may be good if you are making a 5 minute YouTube clip of a cat farting, but it has no graphic equalizer, no saturation compensation, minimal layering, and, thus far, no SmartPhone App to go with it. SnipCrystal has all of these things and more. The price is much higher, by you get what you pay for, and those who sit down to watch your videos will thank you later.
Oh and if there is anyway to use anything OTHER than a Lava 3 for you videos, like say, the Neptune 40X, that wouldn't hurt either.
Does this guy get a commission for selling stuff or what?
What we have here is someone that is obviously very knowledgeable in the subject, and someone who frequents the help boards for same. He has no problem expressing his knowledge. But the problem? He has not in the slightest way helped the poster who asked for it.
Okay, one could argue he was sort of helping in an obtuse way by suggesting what he considered to be better software. That is often the defense of people who reply in this fashion. But let's take a look at how this guy's expertise was of no use to the one who sought it.
--For starter's he was sarcastic about it. The whole "get in the car and get a refund" bit is, sadly, a real example from my experiences seeking help from others.
--He ended by taking a swipe at the poster's camcorder, about which he did not even ask a question. The expert has a hard time believing anyone would be happy with a Lava 3, even if they directly say, "I love it".
--The "expert" makes pretty broad assumptions about the poster's technical knowledge. He mentions many things about systems, stabilization, and other options, and instantly makes those the selling point of SnipCrystal. But had he really paid attention to what was being asked, he'd realize that the poster wasn't concerned about any of that. He already knows what TriloMorph can do, and that is what he wants. Perhaps because he understands it already, and isn't sure about all of the other stuff.
--The poster didn't ask for advice on the best video editor out there. He already expressed that he was comfortable with using TriloMorph, and had been totally happy with the results. He already owns the software. Certainly he knows his own grandmother, and that she will be happy with the results of TriloMorph. . But in this expert's mind, there is only ONE best. Even if SnipCrystal is in fact the state of the art software at this time, he is still assuming that everyone everywhere wants the best. He operates under the assumption that any advice anywhere should be designed to obtain one thing and one thing only...industry best.
And that's part of the problem. All of the assumptions that are made. People come to you for advice because they have a pre-existing set of circumstances. They are unsure how to proceed, so they seek your expertise. But your expertise is of no use to them if your first goal is to change their circumstances. You may have the best of intentions, but if you don't take into consideration what it is the person wants, and what they come to you with, you are basically just mentioning how inadequate they and their goals are to you.
What if someone on that same message board had responded this way?
I haven't used TriloMorph in a few years, so some of my knowledge may be outdated here, but from what you are describing, you seem to be missing a patch that came out about a year ago. You should be able to download it at the TriloMorph website (TriloMorph.com) A lot of it of course depends on what kind of computer you have, too, so if you try to patch and it doesn't work, let us know the specifics of your device, and we will see what we can do from there to get TriloMorph up and running.
This person is also one of expertise. But unlike the first example he has taken into account what the poster is, has, and hopes to do. And he has used his knowledge to pull together an answer which will address the specific needs of the poster, as opposed to the objective pursuit of the highest quality home video production equipment. In other words, this second answer was focused on the one needing help, and not the one giving help.
Now of course, beyond a certain point, a person may have to upgrade, or change their tack with something. We get to a point where what a person comes to us with just simply will not work. But there is a difference between something being impossible, and something being less efficient, or less popular. Some people, myself included, like to master what we have, find its strengths and weaknesses, and over time, if we feel the need, move on to something else. If people like me jump right to the most expensive, biggest, loudest, trendiest widget or approach or class out there, we are just going to end up falling behind, or worse, resent how much information is being thrown at us all at once.
If someone is Too XYZ to take the highway, but you do in fact know a detour, share that with them. Show them the way to their own success, even if it is not the way you yourself would go. If you do that, you become people based, and regardless of the topic, you will be seen as helpful. And, best of all, you will be seen as worth helping in the future when you need it.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Guest Posting
I'd like to invite everyone to check out my guest post on Jamie Nacht Farrell's Bizrelationships Blog. Jamie and I have been a fan of each other's writings and philosophies for a while now, and though we disagree about some key issues, that hasn't stopped us from forming a relationship.
In fact, that is the theme of my guest post over on her blog. How to disagree with people the proper way. Without seeming pompous, argumentative or unpleasant. I hope you will check it out, as well as checking out Jamie's other posts while you are there!
In fact, that is the theme of my guest post over on her blog. How to disagree with people the proper way. Without seeming pompous, argumentative or unpleasant. I hope you will check it out, as well as checking out Jamie's other posts while you are there!
Friday, February 18, 2011
Not Looking for a Hero
What happens if you don't have any heroes?
Depending on who you ask, especially amongst the current generation, the answer could be anything from a life without satisfaction to impending global annihilation. Yet when I am asked who my heroes are, (and it is a very popular assessment tool) I don't have a ready answer. Hand to God, I am not sure I know who my heroes are or if I even have any.
I suppose like with so many things it depends a great deal on how one defines "hero". If by hero all that is meant is someone whose accomplishments and attitude I find worthy of praise, then maybe I have a few heroes. But even then the word leaves a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, because it would seem to indicate a certain element of awe.
I don't think I can say anybody on any level has ever held me in "awe" of what they are doing. It is not easy to impress me in any field, let alone put me in a state of awe about who you are and what you do.
"She's my hero because I am just in awe of what she has accomplished given her circumstances."
A common testimonial that you will not see me propagate any time soon.
Not that I take anything away from people and their accomplishments. But those that succeed, even in fields in which I wish to succeed are so different in their approach, their abilities, their luck and their overall presence that to emulate them as a hero would seem a bit foolhardy. We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. While advice can be useful, and following an example may pay a dividend here and there, we are, in the end, each different. Different struggles, different help, different luck to help us get where we end up, (or keep us from getting anywhere.) Is a "hero" really that different from me? Or you?
Leaders I can understand. The can bring order out of chaos, or shatter the status quo. A leader is necessary at time to bring a movement into focus so that the greater good can be accomplished. Yet in ideal circumstances they are a first among equals. (Heaven knows we are often far from that ideal, though.)
The supposed importance of heroes lie in aspirations to self improvement. We are told how important it is to want to be better than what we are right now. Society attaches future demonstrable success on a seemingly endless cycle of reinventing ourselves as more productive, powerful and marketable versions of ourselves. Ty 3.0, then Ty 4.0 and so on. This constant striving for a better you requires a template. A template that has already gone through the same processes and struggles on their way to their success as we are right now. We can then fixate on what they did, and motivate ourselves to do the same.
Hero worship in a sense, is a worship of that we wish we were, and hope to some day be. Therefore some degree of being in awe of a hero is often attributable to a lack of respect and acceptance of where we are at present if we are not careful.
Some of the same people who view heroes in this fashion would consider a lack of heroes equal to a lack of ambition and self awareness. Or on the opposite end, an indication that a person feels they are already of such value and worth, who is left that is worthy of being their hero?
In both cases, the judgment is unfair. At least it is for me. For as I said, I lack heroes as most define them, because the only battle I really need to be winning is my own, and the fact that someone else won their own battle, though admirable and worthy of respect, does not make them heroic per se.
Olivier. JFK. Emily Dickinson. Cal Ripken Jr. Each of them for various reasons and at various points in my life have exemplified certain qualities and perceptions that I share, or even aspire to. But as amazing as I found some of their accomplishments, and as satisfying as it is to know that my opinions on certain issues are not that different from those of some of these highly influential and important people, I still don't consider them heroes.
And I don't feel adrift because of it.
How do you define "hero"? Do you have any? What does your relationship to the concept of heroes say about you? About society?
Depending on who you ask, especially amongst the current generation, the answer could be anything from a life without satisfaction to impending global annihilation. Yet when I am asked who my heroes are, (and it is a very popular assessment tool) I don't have a ready answer. Hand to God, I am not sure I know who my heroes are or if I even have any.
I suppose like with so many things it depends a great deal on how one defines "hero". If by hero all that is meant is someone whose accomplishments and attitude I find worthy of praise, then maybe I have a few heroes. But even then the word leaves a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, because it would seem to indicate a certain element of awe.
I don't think I can say anybody on any level has ever held me in "awe" of what they are doing. It is not easy to impress me in any field, let alone put me in a state of awe about who you are and what you do.
"She's my hero because I am just in awe of what she has accomplished given her circumstances."
A common testimonial that you will not see me propagate any time soon.
Not that I take anything away from people and their accomplishments. But those that succeed, even in fields in which I wish to succeed are so different in their approach, their abilities, their luck and their overall presence that to emulate them as a hero would seem a bit foolhardy. We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. While advice can be useful, and following an example may pay a dividend here and there, we are, in the end, each different. Different struggles, different help, different luck to help us get where we end up, (or keep us from getting anywhere.) Is a "hero" really that different from me? Or you?
Leaders I can understand. The can bring order out of chaos, or shatter the status quo. A leader is necessary at time to bring a movement into focus so that the greater good can be accomplished. Yet in ideal circumstances they are a first among equals. (Heaven knows we are often far from that ideal, though.)
The supposed importance of heroes lie in aspirations to self improvement. We are told how important it is to want to be better than what we are right now. Society attaches future demonstrable success on a seemingly endless cycle of reinventing ourselves as more productive, powerful and marketable versions of ourselves. Ty 3.0, then Ty 4.0 and so on. This constant striving for a better you requires a template. A template that has already gone through the same processes and struggles on their way to their success as we are right now. We can then fixate on what they did, and motivate ourselves to do the same.
Hero worship in a sense, is a worship of that we wish we were, and hope to some day be. Therefore some degree of being in awe of a hero is often attributable to a lack of respect and acceptance of where we are at present if we are not careful.
Some of the same people who view heroes in this fashion would consider a lack of heroes equal to a lack of ambition and self awareness. Or on the opposite end, an indication that a person feels they are already of such value and worth, who is left that is worthy of being their hero?
In both cases, the judgment is unfair. At least it is for me. For as I said, I lack heroes as most define them, because the only battle I really need to be winning is my own, and the fact that someone else won their own battle, though admirable and worthy of respect, does not make them heroic per se.
Olivier. JFK. Emily Dickinson. Cal Ripken Jr. Each of them for various reasons and at various points in my life have exemplified certain qualities and perceptions that I share, or even aspire to. But as amazing as I found some of their accomplishments, and as satisfying as it is to know that my opinions on certain issues are not that different from those of some of these highly influential and important people, I still don't consider them heroes.
And I don't feel adrift because of it.
How do you define "hero"? Do you have any? What does your relationship to the concept of heroes say about you? About society?
Monday, January 10, 2011
Doubting What's Nameless
Happy New Year. I realize I am ten days into the New Year now, long passed the point where most people even consider the greeting to be applicable. But part of my New Year has in fact been a sort of reorganization of my daily life into a new (non) plan, as I mentioned in my last entry. To that end my timing has been a bit off for a week or so. I am getting into of a groove now.
One of the reasons behind my approach to 2011 was my lack of progress in certain areas. Areas which, as I wrote before, I pursued in ways more suited to the "common" person with a common mind set as opposed to being suited towards me. I spent a great deal of time in 2010 accepting the fact that for whatever reason, my mindset is not that of the average person. In fact it may be quite rare in its own right, for all I know. It probably is.
The reason I cannot quantify how many people think, succeed or fail in the same ways that I do, is that I have no name for the particular personal collection of personal obstacles that I face. Of course there are plenty of external factors that have prevented me from getting what I deserve and achieving my potential, and those have been and will continue to be well documented on this blog. But as for the internal circumstances within my own consciousness and brain, there remains no single way to define it. Hence the very name of this blog; Too XYZ.
It is that very nameless quality I wish to discuss here.
There are many named handicaps and disabilities out there. Many that, when properly identified can be lived with, or in some cases eliminated, provided the right resources, knowledge and personnel. Such obstacles have names because they have been studied. And they have been studied because they have a consistent pattern of appearance and of repercussions for those that suffer the impairment.
Take as an example someone who finds they wash their hands more than others. And as they get older, they wash their hands raw to the point of being unable to handle objects. In the extreme this behavior begins to make a person late for appointments, and unable to attend social functions, because so preoccupied are they with washing their hands they can barely conentrate on anything else. Though this may be indicative of any number of things, and a professional evaluation is necessary to determine an individual cause, the literature indicates that such a situation is often the result of something called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (Known as OCD for short.)
There is much we do not know about OCD. But we learn more all the time. Common symptoms like the ones I have described. We have discovered several things that seem to cause it. We have discovered therapies and medications which depending on the patient can lesson and in some cases eliminate the disorder.
While naysayers persist, abundant studies have been conducted at this point in history to convince fair minded people that OCD is an actual condition. And therefore when we know that someone officially suffers from it, we can make certain accommodations in our mind pertaining to the particular struggles and set backs such people experience.
Of course my point applies to far more than OCD. There are whole volumes of mental or intellectual disorders which have been named and successfully treated. Each of them opens a door in the minds of fair people. Not a door which will excuse any and all actions on the part of those with a disorder, but a door which will take into account the particular struggles associated with any given condition. The same with certain physical deficiencies.
There was of course a time, not very long ago, when none of these conditions had names. Or perhaps everything out of the ordinary might be labeled as simple "madness". At those times those with depression were told to merely, "cheer up." Those with Attention Deficit Disorder were told to "just calm down and pay attention." Those with OCD were ordered to just "stop doing that. Just stop."
These approaches did not work, of course. It was more than simply choosing to be different. And while the causes of any given disorder or illness continue to be debated in scholarly circles, (is it brain chemistry? emotional imbalance? Deep seated damage to the psyche?), these behaviors do have names and are at least seen as things which must be understood and treated in some specific way. In other words it is understood today that people are not going to simply talk themselves out of such conditions.
However despite how much we as a society appear to have learned about human behavior, it seems as though we have in reality learned very little. For in the absence of a named condition that appears in very specific journals and records most people still insist that those who have not succeeded according to the conventional definition must simply be lazy, stubborn, or just plain nuts. And it is not only the general, faceless public that fails to give much leeway in this regard. One of the cruelest ironies of them all is that it is often people with a defined, documented, clinical setback of their own who are most vocal in damning those who have fallen behind without the "benefit" of a specific diagnosis. As though struggling people without a diagnosis somehow take away from struggling people with one. I have been the brunt of such hypocrisy many times over in my unusual life. Most recently in the last few months, and in a very public manner online, as some of you may have noticed at the time.
I am willing to opine, at risk of major backlash from the online community that the self proclaimed most "Tolerant, open-minded, egalitarian, creative" generation of all time, the so called Generation-Y (Gen-Y) is in fact just as much, if not even more prone to this sort of out of hand dismissal.
As a demographic, the current, as well as the upcoming generation is in love with the idea of breaking down boundaries so that everybody can succeed. They don't need permission, they don't need approval, and they don't even need help. They are determined to tear down the status quo once and for all, flip off the naysayers and insist on success their way. On their terms.
That sounds great. Even noble and liberating. Until you consider that one major side effect of this approach is the assumption that "if Seth Godin can do it, so can I. And if I can do it, by God so can you and so can everybody." Under this life view, there are literally no excuses for anybody to fall behind. Those that run the online world right now cannot as a whole conceive of any reason why anybody should not have exactly what they want, or be well on their way to same all of the time. And if anybody isn't, they are not trying hard enough. Because, "you make your own luck, and you define what does and doesn't happen to you."
Unless of course you have been diagnosed with an eating disorder. Or dyslexia. Or fibromyalgia. Then you get to say you are going as far as you can given your circumstances. But to those, (like yours truly) who have great strengths but obvious weaknesses and consistent, sometimes problematic personality traits without a name? Well, you need to get off of you ass, suck it up, accept that life isn't fair, subscribe to 1,400 blogs, read the last 25 books on self-marketing, (never mind they are all exactly the same) hire a life coach, get out there and network, and (my favorite) insist on success. Said as though my whole life has gone the way it has simply because I have failed to "insist".
I believe in accountability and responsibility. Nobody gets to use their condition, named or unnamed as an excuse to do nothing. And indeed I know plenty of people with any number of certifiable conditions that do not in any way use them as a tool or an excuse. But in our success oriented culture we have got to start considering the myriad diversity of not just our success, but our problems. Our obstacles. We cannot ever know with 100% certainty what is happening inside somebody's head or heart. That means that there are times when we are going to be bullshitted by those who just don't want to put any effort into life at all. Yet we still need to stop and put some effort into learning wise discernment. Getting to the root of what makes someone do what they do, (or fail to do.) And certainly to create ways to help those who need unconventional help as often as we help those who can be helped in the conventional manner. If we can take the time and energy to read up and master WordPress, SEO, marketing, and all of those sort of "necessities", we sure as hell can stop and take the time to master the human component.
Not all of our handicaps have names. We must accept that perfectly decent, brilliant, valuable people with a lot to offer the world may be getting held back by something that is deeply ingrained into them but is not mentioned in the DSM-IV. They may not, and often don't understand themselves what their setback is. They too deserve help. And attention. And yes by God, a little bit of leeway as they make their way on their own terms according to their own timing. You don't have to help them, (us) but if you won't, for the love of heaven, don't stand in our way with your sanctimonious self-help platitudes either.
Named or not, we each struggle with something. It's high time we dedicate ourselves to helping people get around those obstacles when all else fails them, as opposed to labeling, doubting, or dismissing them when they are unable to destroy them.
One of the reasons behind my approach to 2011 was my lack of progress in certain areas. Areas which, as I wrote before, I pursued in ways more suited to the "common" person with a common mind set as opposed to being suited towards me. I spent a great deal of time in 2010 accepting the fact that for whatever reason, my mindset is not that of the average person. In fact it may be quite rare in its own right, for all I know. It probably is.
The reason I cannot quantify how many people think, succeed or fail in the same ways that I do, is that I have no name for the particular personal collection of personal obstacles that I face. Of course there are plenty of external factors that have prevented me from getting what I deserve and achieving my potential, and those have been and will continue to be well documented on this blog. But as for the internal circumstances within my own consciousness and brain, there remains no single way to define it. Hence the very name of this blog; Too XYZ.
It is that very nameless quality I wish to discuss here.
There are many named handicaps and disabilities out there. Many that, when properly identified can be lived with, or in some cases eliminated, provided the right resources, knowledge and personnel. Such obstacles have names because they have been studied. And they have been studied because they have a consistent pattern of appearance and of repercussions for those that suffer the impairment.
Take as an example someone who finds they wash their hands more than others. And as they get older, they wash their hands raw to the point of being unable to handle objects. In the extreme this behavior begins to make a person late for appointments, and unable to attend social functions, because so preoccupied are they with washing their hands they can barely conentrate on anything else. Though this may be indicative of any number of things, and a professional evaluation is necessary to determine an individual cause, the literature indicates that such a situation is often the result of something called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (Known as OCD for short.)
There is much we do not know about OCD. But we learn more all the time. Common symptoms like the ones I have described. We have discovered several things that seem to cause it. We have discovered therapies and medications which depending on the patient can lesson and in some cases eliminate the disorder.
While naysayers persist, abundant studies have been conducted at this point in history to convince fair minded people that OCD is an actual condition. And therefore when we know that someone officially suffers from it, we can make certain accommodations in our mind pertaining to the particular struggles and set backs such people experience.
Of course my point applies to far more than OCD. There are whole volumes of mental or intellectual disorders which have been named and successfully treated. Each of them opens a door in the minds of fair people. Not a door which will excuse any and all actions on the part of those with a disorder, but a door which will take into account the particular struggles associated with any given condition. The same with certain physical deficiencies.
There was of course a time, not very long ago, when none of these conditions had names. Or perhaps everything out of the ordinary might be labeled as simple "madness". At those times those with depression were told to merely, "cheer up." Those with Attention Deficit Disorder were told to "just calm down and pay attention." Those with OCD were ordered to just "stop doing that. Just stop."
These approaches did not work, of course. It was more than simply choosing to be different. And while the causes of any given disorder or illness continue to be debated in scholarly circles, (is it brain chemistry? emotional imbalance? Deep seated damage to the psyche?), these behaviors do have names and are at least seen as things which must be understood and treated in some specific way. In other words it is understood today that people are not going to simply talk themselves out of such conditions.
However despite how much we as a society appear to have learned about human behavior, it seems as though we have in reality learned very little. For in the absence of a named condition that appears in very specific journals and records most people still insist that those who have not succeeded according to the conventional definition must simply be lazy, stubborn, or just plain nuts. And it is not only the general, faceless public that fails to give much leeway in this regard. One of the cruelest ironies of them all is that it is often people with a defined, documented, clinical setback of their own who are most vocal in damning those who have fallen behind without the "benefit" of a specific diagnosis. As though struggling people without a diagnosis somehow take away from struggling people with one. I have been the brunt of such hypocrisy many times over in my unusual life. Most recently in the last few months, and in a very public manner online, as some of you may have noticed at the time.
I am willing to opine, at risk of major backlash from the online community that the self proclaimed most "Tolerant, open-minded, egalitarian, creative" generation of all time, the so called Generation-Y (Gen-Y) is in fact just as much, if not even more prone to this sort of out of hand dismissal.
As a demographic, the current, as well as the upcoming generation is in love with the idea of breaking down boundaries so that everybody can succeed. They don't need permission, they don't need approval, and they don't even need help. They are determined to tear down the status quo once and for all, flip off the naysayers and insist on success their way. On their terms.
That sounds great. Even noble and liberating. Until you consider that one major side effect of this approach is the assumption that "if Seth Godin can do it, so can I. And if I can do it, by God so can you and so can everybody." Under this life view, there are literally no excuses for anybody to fall behind. Those that run the online world right now cannot as a whole conceive of any reason why anybody should not have exactly what they want, or be well on their way to same all of the time. And if anybody isn't, they are not trying hard enough. Because, "you make your own luck, and you define what does and doesn't happen to you."
Unless of course you have been diagnosed with an eating disorder. Or dyslexia. Or fibromyalgia. Then you get to say you are going as far as you can given your circumstances. But to those, (like yours truly) who have great strengths but obvious weaknesses and consistent, sometimes problematic personality traits without a name? Well, you need to get off of you ass, suck it up, accept that life isn't fair, subscribe to 1,400 blogs, read the last 25 books on self-marketing, (never mind they are all exactly the same) hire a life coach, get out there and network, and (my favorite) insist on success. Said as though my whole life has gone the way it has simply because I have failed to "insist".
I believe in accountability and responsibility. Nobody gets to use their condition, named or unnamed as an excuse to do nothing. And indeed I know plenty of people with any number of certifiable conditions that do not in any way use them as a tool or an excuse. But in our success oriented culture we have got to start considering the myriad diversity of not just our success, but our problems. Our obstacles. We cannot ever know with 100% certainty what is happening inside somebody's head or heart. That means that there are times when we are going to be bullshitted by those who just don't want to put any effort into life at all. Yet we still need to stop and put some effort into learning wise discernment. Getting to the root of what makes someone do what they do, (or fail to do.) And certainly to create ways to help those who need unconventional help as often as we help those who can be helped in the conventional manner. If we can take the time and energy to read up and master WordPress, SEO, marketing, and all of those sort of "necessities", we sure as hell can stop and take the time to master the human component.
Not all of our handicaps have names. We must accept that perfectly decent, brilliant, valuable people with a lot to offer the world may be getting held back by something that is deeply ingrained into them but is not mentioned in the DSM-IV. They may not, and often don't understand themselves what their setback is. They too deserve help. And attention. And yes by God, a little bit of leeway as they make their way on their own terms according to their own timing. You don't have to help them, (us) but if you won't, for the love of heaven, don't stand in our way with your sanctimonious self-help platitudes either.
Named or not, we each struggle with something. It's high time we dedicate ourselves to helping people get around those obstacles when all else fails them, as opposed to labeling, doubting, or dismissing them when they are unable to destroy them.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
My (Non) Plan for 2011
All right. In all accuracy what I am about to describe is in fact a plan. So much for my cutesy, eye catching title. But it could be considered a non-plan in more ways than one.
2010 was about a plan. I joined Twitter, and launched this blog in an effort to not only describe the nature of a square peg trying to live in the round holes of a materialistic, productivity-obsessed society, but also to join together with others who felt the same way. I wanted to connect with other people who wanted to get ahead, but found themselves to be Too XYZ. Though that has occurred to a small degree, and I have in fact connected with several great people as a result of my social media endeavors, I have not, (as I have written about before) formed a coalition of such souls. 2010 brought about many things for me, among them allies of varying stripes. For which I am grateful. But the establishment of a network of almost total like minds did not happen as I had planned or hoped.
I had decent exposure, through Twitter, Brazen Careerist, and other such places. I could always have more, as I have seen blogs younger than mine get lucky enough to take off like wildfire. But overall I have a network of well wishers. Yet what 2010 taught me was that I couldn't take people who are Too XYZ, and network with them in the manner that more conventional people do so. In other words, I had thought I could achieve my unique definition of success, using my own unique methods, by simply applying the social media rules and art form to people of like-mind. I have come to theorize, however that being an unconventional person, with unconventional methods and yes, unconventional weaknesses means that attaining even my own unconventional idea of success is nearly impossible when applying conventional tactics.
I know what many are thinking. There are all kind of gurus, super-bloggers, location independent freelance billionaires with passive incomes in the tens of thousands a month who got there by being exactly that; unconventional. Maybe. But as I have spent the last year looking into social media, and its alleged heroes, I have realized that for most of those types there is actually a common, and dare I say conventional thread. That common thread is their manner of marketing.
Leaving the rat race. Traveling the world. Living a dream. Saying "up yours" to the status quo. Creative visualization. LinkedIn. Blogs. Subscribing. Commenting. Linking. Tweeting. Re-Tweeting. TEDs. Podcasts. Conventions. Give-Aways. E-books. Asking "How can I help you today?" On and on and on. After awhile is all starts to sound the same to me. And maybe it is all the same, since in the end it all comes down to one (and I mean one) thing. Constantly selling.
Now, some people will flat out tell you that is it. Always be selling. Yourself and what you do. Sell, sell, sell. How? (See the above paragraph.) They make no bones about it. That's fine, for them. I actually respect them a bit more for just coming out and saying it.
But then there are those who disguise their riches, their new "free" lifestyle, their fame, their influence, in terms of how much they loved life. How much they faced fear. Made themselves uncomfortable. Went out there and "just did it!" And they encourage us all to do the same thing, because there is no such thing as luck, and anybody anywhere can do what they did.
To me that is buying the house based on how lovely the weather was that day. What all of these gurus, (some of them very well intentioned I will admit) are actual selling is....salesmanship itself. They only think it is their desire, their vision of their future, and their passion that they are selling. But really, look carefully at almost all of their stories, and you will find, in the end, that they learned how to sell, or hired, or got mentored by, or subscribed to the blog of, or was introduced by an acquaintance to someone who taught them how to sell the shit out of themselves and what they "offer" the world. In some cases it is clear that selling was far more responsible for their success than quality of their product...
Then others see the lives these people live, and how passionate, and eager to help, and lovely they are, and we start to think that it is those things that got them where they are. Those things may have kept them where they are. But in the end, selling got them there.
And you know what? I hate selling shit. I tried it as a career and it sucked every bit as much as I thought it would. I have tried to sell myself at networking events and you know what? It sucked just as much as I predicted it would. Good, talented people get ahead by selling. As do really lousy bastards. But to quote a line from one of my favorite films of all time, Primary Colors:
"I don't care. I'm not comparing the players. I don't like the game."
And I don't. This game of selling is for the birds. Actually I have a caveat; this game of selling as currently defined by most people is for the birds. This version of marketing yourself and your wares that people insist you need to master in order to get anywhere as a freelancer. The version of marketing yourself and your wares that even the most open minded, generous, and status quo hating individuals in social media will beat you over the head with, and insist is necessary, only to turn on you when you determine you cannot do it. A version of marketing yourself and your wares that has at some point transformed into a nebulous altar at which 90% of the ironically self proclaimed non-conformists gather and before which they all genuflect whilst immersed in the ecstasy of the game changing wonders of Social-Media marketing and networking.
Yeah. For the birds.
It's this manner in which we sell things, and ourselves, from which I am clearly unable to launch my life and my work. And reading the top 25 books on current marketing trends, subscribing to Seth Godin and 100 other blogs, stopping in on every web chat by every guru on this side of the equator (all of which have been emphatically suggested to me) is not going to change any of that. When it comes to traditional marketing (and social media does have its own traditions) I'm not worth a damn. Period.
And so 2011 is going to be about going at it my own way. And by my own way, I actually mean my own way. Not living life in my own way only to try to market it in a conventional way, but to proceed with my daily life, communications, research, passions, and yes, even marketing in my own way. If the gurus cannot cure themselves of their traditional social media marketing fetishes and help all of us, then I will do it myself.
And yes, I will be doing it. I never said that marketing and getting the word out in some form are wrong for me. I see their value. What I am saying is that it has be done at my own pace, using my own methods, and paying little attention to how it was done by "Cindy Happypants: Blogger Extraordinaire", who changed the world while writing about selling donuts and living a dream. (Though I would date such a woman if she existed...)
In 2011, it may come down to me living with my family again for a while. If so, I'll do it. It may mean less time networking, and more time alone, perfecting me. Fine. It will mean most of my day will be spent writing. Not selling my writing, or pitching my writing, or talking about writing. But the actual process of writing. Like doors closed, curtain drawn, I do this because this is all I know how to do, writing.
My novel at first, and then blogging, and then whatever time is left can be spent seeing if there are any magazines out there that want my stuff. And if I find them the days will be spent reading them, not making calls the schmooze the editor. And when I finally do decide I may have a piece worth pitching, I will pitch it. This may happen 10 times next year. Maybe more, or maybe even less. I won't be forcing it.
It will mean that I will be reading scripts, looking for acting projects and memorizing speeches. It will not mean saving up and moving to New York to make it on Broadway, because I don't want to be on Broadway. I want to be a better actor, and that means acting, and studying same. Not paying someone to tell me how to do it, but doing it my own way. It's not a hobby. It's what I do.
I won't be trying to learn to cook more things very often. I won't be attempting to tackle home economics or Apartment Management 101. I'll be going to bed when I am tired, and getting up when I am no longer so. I'll be writing in the passive voice, and not all of my protagonists will be different by the end of my book. I'll pass up the chance to attend the local business card exchange and instead opt for an audition at a local community play house. And if I get in to the play, I'll blog about it on my acting blog that nobody reads, which brings in no money, and for which I have done all the marketing I know how to do, and for which I still have almost no readers.
I'll retweet things I like, and not because I want to get on the good side of someone else who isn't following me anyway. I will leave comments on friends' blogs just because they are friends and deserve to have their stuff read, whether they have "social proof" or not. I won't bother commenting on sites who require me to prove my expertise in something before taking me seriously and I will not prove my expertise through anything but the work that I do. Content shall be king in 2011. Judge my abilities by that, and not be a work history, or to hell with you.
And it won't matter what I know or who I know because I will be too busy being better than I was in 2010. And when it comes time to start knowing more people, I only want to know people who know how to behave in public, treat everyone with respect, and have the decency to return a message. Because nobody out there is important enough for me to sit around and wait weeks just for the chance of kissing their ass. I don't care how many pings their blog gets, whatever the hell they are.
And if I starve? Folks, half the time I am close to starving anyway. At least I'll starve while doing my damnedest to be productive in my own way, and not starve while trying to tweak a resume so that it can be summarily ignored by the 30 trillionth hiring manager who just doesn't have the time to understand that my "employment gaps" are due to misfortune and things beyond my control, and not because I'm not worth anything. If someone has no time to read what I write as a writer, and instead wants a flashy resume and some name dropping, they don't want me. Nor do I want them.
And just maybe, in so doing, I will get to the point where I do what I want, just like Cindy Happypants: Blogger Extraordinaire. The only difference being I'll get to be whatever I want first, as opposed to playing a half-assed game in order to have the privilege of doing so. Then I will have a product that will sell itself. (With a little bit of luck, which unlike most, I am not afraid to admit is a big part of our lives.)
And if anyone wants to join me...well...I'm still not Too XYZ for a little bit of company, and a little bit of help. And I am willing to give any help I can to anyone who wants it. But I'm not a guru, thank god.
Happy New Year.
2010 was about a plan. I joined Twitter, and launched this blog in an effort to not only describe the nature of a square peg trying to live in the round holes of a materialistic, productivity-obsessed society, but also to join together with others who felt the same way. I wanted to connect with other people who wanted to get ahead, but found themselves to be Too XYZ. Though that has occurred to a small degree, and I have in fact connected with several great people as a result of my social media endeavors, I have not, (as I have written about before) formed a coalition of such souls. 2010 brought about many things for me, among them allies of varying stripes. For which I am grateful. But the establishment of a network of almost total like minds did not happen as I had planned or hoped.
I had decent exposure, through Twitter, Brazen Careerist, and other such places. I could always have more, as I have seen blogs younger than mine get lucky enough to take off like wildfire. But overall I have a network of well wishers. Yet what 2010 taught me was that I couldn't take people who are Too XYZ, and network with them in the manner that more conventional people do so. In other words, I had thought I could achieve my unique definition of success, using my own unique methods, by simply applying the social media rules and art form to people of like-mind. I have come to theorize, however that being an unconventional person, with unconventional methods and yes, unconventional weaknesses means that attaining even my own unconventional idea of success is nearly impossible when applying conventional tactics.
I know what many are thinking. There are all kind of gurus, super-bloggers, location independent freelance billionaires with passive incomes in the tens of thousands a month who got there by being exactly that; unconventional. Maybe. But as I have spent the last year looking into social media, and its alleged heroes, I have realized that for most of those types there is actually a common, and dare I say conventional thread. That common thread is their manner of marketing.
Leaving the rat race. Traveling the world. Living a dream. Saying "up yours" to the status quo. Creative visualization. LinkedIn. Blogs. Subscribing. Commenting. Linking. Tweeting. Re-Tweeting. TEDs. Podcasts. Conventions. Give-Aways. E-books. Asking "How can I help you today?" On and on and on. After awhile is all starts to sound the same to me. And maybe it is all the same, since in the end it all comes down to one (and I mean one) thing. Constantly selling.
Now, some people will flat out tell you that is it. Always be selling. Yourself and what you do. Sell, sell, sell. How? (See the above paragraph.) They make no bones about it. That's fine, for them. I actually respect them a bit more for just coming out and saying it.
But then there are those who disguise their riches, their new "free" lifestyle, their fame, their influence, in terms of how much they loved life. How much they faced fear. Made themselves uncomfortable. Went out there and "just did it!" And they encourage us all to do the same thing, because there is no such thing as luck, and anybody anywhere can do what they did.
To me that is buying the house based on how lovely the weather was that day. What all of these gurus, (some of them very well intentioned I will admit) are actual selling is....salesmanship itself. They only think it is their desire, their vision of their future, and their passion that they are selling. But really, look carefully at almost all of their stories, and you will find, in the end, that they learned how to sell, or hired, or got mentored by, or subscribed to the blog of, or was introduced by an acquaintance to someone who taught them how to sell the shit out of themselves and what they "offer" the world. In some cases it is clear that selling was far more responsible for their success than quality of their product...
Then others see the lives these people live, and how passionate, and eager to help, and lovely they are, and we start to think that it is those things that got them where they are. Those things may have kept them where they are. But in the end, selling got them there.
And you know what? I hate selling shit. I tried it as a career and it sucked every bit as much as I thought it would. I have tried to sell myself at networking events and you know what? It sucked just as much as I predicted it would. Good, talented people get ahead by selling. As do really lousy bastards. But to quote a line from one of my favorite films of all time, Primary Colors:
"I don't care. I'm not comparing the players. I don't like the game."
And I don't. This game of selling is for the birds. Actually I have a caveat; this game of selling as currently defined by most people is for the birds. This version of marketing yourself and your wares that people insist you need to master in order to get anywhere as a freelancer. The version of marketing yourself and your wares that even the most open minded, generous, and status quo hating individuals in social media will beat you over the head with, and insist is necessary, only to turn on you when you determine you cannot do it. A version of marketing yourself and your wares that has at some point transformed into a nebulous altar at which 90% of the ironically self proclaimed non-conformists gather and before which they all genuflect whilst immersed in the ecstasy of the game changing wonders of Social-Media marketing and networking.
Yeah. For the birds.
It's this manner in which we sell things, and ourselves, from which I am clearly unable to launch my life and my work. And reading the top 25 books on current marketing trends, subscribing to Seth Godin and 100 other blogs, stopping in on every web chat by every guru on this side of the equator (all of which have been emphatically suggested to me) is not going to change any of that. When it comes to traditional marketing (and social media does have its own traditions) I'm not worth a damn. Period.
And so 2011 is going to be about going at it my own way. And by my own way, I actually mean my own way. Not living life in my own way only to try to market it in a conventional way, but to proceed with my daily life, communications, research, passions, and yes, even marketing in my own way. If the gurus cannot cure themselves of their traditional social media marketing fetishes and help all of us, then I will do it myself.
And yes, I will be doing it. I never said that marketing and getting the word out in some form are wrong for me. I see their value. What I am saying is that it has be done at my own pace, using my own methods, and paying little attention to how it was done by "Cindy Happypants: Blogger Extraordinaire", who changed the world while writing about selling donuts and living a dream. (Though I would date such a woman if she existed...)
In 2011, it may come down to me living with my family again for a while. If so, I'll do it. It may mean less time networking, and more time alone, perfecting me. Fine. It will mean most of my day will be spent writing. Not selling my writing, or pitching my writing, or talking about writing. But the actual process of writing. Like doors closed, curtain drawn, I do this because this is all I know how to do, writing.
My novel at first, and then blogging, and then whatever time is left can be spent seeing if there are any magazines out there that want my stuff. And if I find them the days will be spent reading them, not making calls the schmooze the editor. And when I finally do decide I may have a piece worth pitching, I will pitch it. This may happen 10 times next year. Maybe more, or maybe even less. I won't be forcing it.
It will mean that I will be reading scripts, looking for acting projects and memorizing speeches. It will not mean saving up and moving to New York to make it on Broadway, because I don't want to be on Broadway. I want to be a better actor, and that means acting, and studying same. Not paying someone to tell me how to do it, but doing it my own way. It's not a hobby. It's what I do.
I won't be trying to learn to cook more things very often. I won't be attempting to tackle home economics or Apartment Management 101. I'll be going to bed when I am tired, and getting up when I am no longer so. I'll be writing in the passive voice, and not all of my protagonists will be different by the end of my book. I'll pass up the chance to attend the local business card exchange and instead opt for an audition at a local community play house. And if I get in to the play, I'll blog about it on my acting blog that nobody reads, which brings in no money, and for which I have done all the marketing I know how to do, and for which I still have almost no readers.
I'll retweet things I like, and not because I want to get on the good side of someone else who isn't following me anyway. I will leave comments on friends' blogs just because they are friends and deserve to have their stuff read, whether they have "social proof" or not. I won't bother commenting on sites who require me to prove my expertise in something before taking me seriously and I will not prove my expertise through anything but the work that I do. Content shall be king in 2011. Judge my abilities by that, and not be a work history, or to hell with you.
And it won't matter what I know or who I know because I will be too busy being better than I was in 2010. And when it comes time to start knowing more people, I only want to know people who know how to behave in public, treat everyone with respect, and have the decency to return a message. Because nobody out there is important enough for me to sit around and wait weeks just for the chance of kissing their ass. I don't care how many pings their blog gets, whatever the hell they are.
And if I starve? Folks, half the time I am close to starving anyway. At least I'll starve while doing my damnedest to be productive in my own way, and not starve while trying to tweak a resume so that it can be summarily ignored by the 30 trillionth hiring manager who just doesn't have the time to understand that my "employment gaps" are due to misfortune and things beyond my control, and not because I'm not worth anything. If someone has no time to read what I write as a writer, and instead wants a flashy resume and some name dropping, they don't want me. Nor do I want them.
And just maybe, in so doing, I will get to the point where I do what I want, just like Cindy Happypants: Blogger Extraordinaire. The only difference being I'll get to be whatever I want first, as opposed to playing a half-assed game in order to have the privilege of doing so. Then I will have a product that will sell itself. (With a little bit of luck, which unlike most, I am not afraid to admit is a big part of our lives.)
And if anyone wants to join me...well...I'm still not Too XYZ for a little bit of company, and a little bit of help. And I am willing to give any help I can to anyone who wants it. But I'm not a guru, thank god.
Happy New Year.
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