A Prelude to Confession.

The core values, motivations and traits of a person tend to stay constant throughout a lifetime. Yet through the course of a life the manner by which people either protect or project their deepest, most authentic selves may change in a dramatic fashion.

In terms relevant to this blog, we can sometimes become either more or less XYZ than we used to be. Sometimes we can even name the change, instead of having to use XYZ. And the irony of this post is that I, author of Too XYZ, have detected a shift within me that I can actually describe with actual words, and not my trademark Too XYZ.

What is this shift?

I need to interact with more accessible people about more of my issues.

Note that I said "interact" and not simply "share". Because sharing could be this blog post. Or a Facebook update. Or an email. I do that sometimes, with mixed limited results. But to interact with people about my sometime internal horrors would provide me with a ritual cleansing of sorts when the periodic fogs of spiritual and emotional warfare once again descend upon my heart. The notion of interaction in all of this is crucial, because I know a few people who care about me, but have no idea what to say, or even clam up when approached with negative topics. So their love is appreciated but I need those willing to engage with me as well.

I'm not totally silent. There may be a cryptic Facebook status here and there, or a weird tweet that gives some indication of the battle within. I get pissed and write about it here. But those are vague reflexive observances of my internal ordeal. They are almost side effects of the turmoil. That hint of steam emmerging from the pressure cooker as it does its work. Not a concerted effort to lay out in detail what I am grappling with at any given time.

For most of my life I have been okay with that. After all if I am going at it alone and not revealing the weird nature of my intangible plague of spirit, the solutions are all under my control. The attack plan is mine. The PR is mine. There are no questions. No judgment. But when there are no questions, I get to nowhere new. I don't see anything from more than one set of tired eyes. I don't form a new plan of attack. I detect the next enemy charge, dig in, and fire as many rounds as I can. When I am out of ammo, I duck and wait for it to pass, knowing that in the end, if nothing else, I will become too tired to fight against the unseen and will collapse, get looted and be left alone until I rebuild. Afterward I will dust myself off and head to rehearsal for my latest play, or type a chapter up in the novel and nobody knows the difference. Ty, as he always was.

I'm not okay with that anymore. I am still in many ways a private person, and I will always be an introvert. However, this business of polishing my persona to a show room shine before stepping out to be amongst people so they can't see what is happening has run its course in my life. I'm done with shining up the bronze statue of me people walk passed everyday. No matter how bizarre, stupid, or crazy people are going to find my fears and "demons", the time has come to be more frank about them.

The problem is, that will probably mean a mass exodus of some sort. I could be wrong of course, but it seems that over the years people have built up this idea of me. "Ty Unglebower", a character in the play of life, as opposed to Ty, the human being that is over at our house for dinner tonight. (It happens once in a while.) For many years that was easy. I'd go somewhere, be "Ty" for a while, and feel okay about it. Then I'd come back home, feel the fog descend, and fight my way out of it myself. In so doing, not only could everyone keep their idea of "Ty" alive, but I came away with a sense of empowered self-satisfaction. I had fought off the invisible attackers on my own. 50 against 1 victory was mine.

If you will recall in my bold print statement above, I called for accessible people as well. I emphasize I have some people who care. But interaction with the few of the most important ones can be difficult because of distance. There is always the phone or Facebook, yes, but when you are in the bunker, surrounded, and need ammo and reinforcements, nothing really beats having a physical presence there with you to talk out a few things. Yes, getting support from others via social media is better than nothing, but it makes it easy for others to be dismissive of my plight. Even if I share more than I have been, I get met with the atrocious silence, or with the flippant. I mentioned I felt as though I was in serious trouble the other day in my status. One response was "Good luck with that." Thanks a lot...

Yet despite the obvious risk, I think it is time. Time to be more open, more detailed, more frank about my struggles and pains. It won't be easy, to leave that bronze statue behind for a while. But the end result, hopefully, will be not only a greater understanding of me by people near and far, but also fewer solitary battles in the future. I pray that with this new candor, I will find my current people more willing to be there, and perhaps attract new, understanding people into my life that were not there before. Maybe even a few that have already beaten the same enemies I am fighting now.

The fog will lift. It would just be nice to hear friendly voices in it when it descends. Even if I can't see the faces.

Now To Help (And NOT to Help)

Expertise is often a foundation of networking, both professional and personal. If you are willing to share your expertise or opinion with someone who is seeking same, you may find yourself a very grateful new contact, who will be there to help you should you ever require it.

There are any number of ways to achieve this, whether online or in person. Trade shows. Message boards. Even blogs and Twitter. But to me there is a surefire way to drive away at least half of the people that came to you for help in your area of knowledge, regardless of the medium.

If you want to never be asked for your help or advice again, make extra sure to ignore the particulars of the one asking for your assistance.

Help is, after all, not a one size fits all concept. Different people have different levels of understanding, different resources, and different goals. When you assume that every person you help is at the highest level of each of these, your "help" becomes more like a exhibition of how much you know. Which is quite different from lending assistance.

Let's look at a hypothetical. I am sure that many of you have encountered this sort of thread in a message board or other similar media. Maybe you have even had the displeasure of dealing with such a person in real life. But for now, let's pretend we are visiting a reputable message board for discussing digital video. (The problem I talk about does seem to happen most often with computer oriented problems, but it is not limited to same.) An entry appears as follows.

"Hello all. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I've recently purchased a Lava 3 digital camcorder from a friend. I love it and it does exactly what I need it to do for my family picnic videos and a few other family activities. But now I'd like a chance to make something special for my grandmother, who couldn't make it to our house this summer. (A little music in the background, a text title here and there, she'd enjoy that!) I bought TriloMorph on sale, and was installing it, but I can't quite get my hard drive to read some of the extras. I know it works, because I've seen other use it with these type of computers, and I have done a lot with it at work. I'm comfortable with the interface, and that's why I chose it. I'm not a techie, so any help would be appreciated."

Now let's look at a common sort of response such people get.

"Step One: Gather your receipt, put it in a bag, get in your car, return to the store IMMEDIATELY and return the garbage..err, I mean TriloMorph and get your 40 dollars back.

Step Two: Take that 40 dollars and invest it towards the $375 you'll need to get SnipCrystal, which is an actual video editing software that produces quality videos your grandmother might, I don't know, actually want to watch. Seriously, TriloMorph runs a CXT based system which may be good if you are making a 5 minute YouTube clip of a cat farting, but it has no graphic equalizer, no saturation compensation, minimal layering, and, thus far, no SmartPhone App to go with it. SnipCrystal has all of these things and more. The price is much higher, by you get what you pay for, and those who sit down to watch your videos will thank you later.

Oh and if there is anyway to use anything OTHER than a Lava 3 for you videos, like say, the Neptune 40X, that wouldn't hurt either.

Does this guy get a commission for selling stuff or what?

What we have here is someone that is obviously very knowledgeable in the subject, and someone who frequents the help boards for same. He has no problem expressing his knowledge. But the problem? He has not in the slightest way helped the poster who asked for it.

Okay, one could argue he was sort of helping in an obtuse way by suggesting what he considered to be better software. That is often the defense of people who reply in this fashion. But let's take a look at how this guy's expertise was of no use to the one who sought it.

--For starter's he was sarcastic about it. The whole "get in the car and get a refund" bit is, sadly, a real example from my experiences seeking help from others.

--He ended by taking a swipe at the poster's camcorder, about which he did not even ask a question. The expert has a hard time believing anyone would be happy with a Lava 3, even if they directly say, "I love it".

--The "expert" makes pretty broad assumptions about the poster's technical knowledge. He mentions many things about systems, stabilization, and other options, and instantly makes those the selling point of SnipCrystal. But had he really paid attention to what was being asked, he'd realize that the poster wasn't concerned about any of that. He already knows what TriloMorph can do, and that is what he wants. Perhaps because he understands it already, and isn't sure about all of the other stuff.

--The poster didn't ask for advice on the best video editor out there. He already expressed that he was comfortable with using TriloMorph, and had been totally happy with the results. He already owns the software. Certainly he knows his own grandmother, and that she will be happy with the results of TriloMorph. . But in this expert's mind, there is only ONE best. Even if SnipCrystal is in fact the state of the art software at this time, he is still assuming that everyone everywhere wants the best. He operates under the assumption that any advice anywhere should be designed to obtain one thing and one thing only...industry best.

And that's part of the problem. All of the assumptions that are made. People come to you for advice because they have a pre-existing set of circumstances. They are unsure how to proceed, so they seek your expertise. But your expertise is of no use to them if your first goal is to change their circumstances. You may have the best of intentions, but if you don't take into consideration what it is the person wants, and what they come to you with, you are basically just mentioning how inadequate they and their goals are to you.

What if someone on that same message board had responded this way?

I haven't used TriloMorph in a few years, so some of my knowledge may be outdated here, but from what you are describing, you seem to be missing a patch that came out about a year ago. You should be able to download it at the TriloMorph website (TriloMorph.com) A lot of it of course depends on what kind of computer you have, too, so if you try to patch and it doesn't work, let us know the specifics of your device, and we will see what we can do from there to get TriloMorph up and running.

This person is also one of expertise. But unlike the first example he has taken into account what the poster is, has, and hopes to do. And he has used his knowledge to pull together an answer which will address the specific needs of the poster, as opposed to the objective pursuit of the highest quality home video production equipment. In other words, this second answer was focused on the one needing help, and not the one giving help.

Now of course, beyond a certain point, a person may have to upgrade, or change their tack with something. We get to a point where what a person comes to us with just simply will not work. But there is a difference between something being impossible, and something being less efficient, or less popular. Some people, myself included, like to master what we have, find its strengths and weaknesses, and over time, if we feel the need, move on to something else. If people like me jump right to the most expensive, biggest, loudest, trendiest widget or approach or class out there, we are just going to end up falling behind, or worse, resent how much information is being thrown at us all at once.

If someone is Too XYZ to take the highway, but you do in fact know a detour, share that with them. Show them the way to their own success, even if it is not the way you yourself would go. If you do that, you become people based, and regardless of the topic, you will be seen as helpful. And, best of all, you will be seen as worth helping in the future when you need it.

"Waiting for the Smiths"

You know that old expression, "Keeping Up with the Joneses"? Meaning the incessant need to have just a little bit more than those around you, and doing whatever it takes to obtain same, in order to save face? (In other words, a materialistic crock of shit life philosophy.) For the sake of the expression, "Jones" being a common enough name to stand for just about anybody with whom you see yourself (or your family) in competition.

It probably won't surprise you to learn that I have never given a damn what the Joneses think. Nor have I tried to keep up with them. Even if I had all the resources in the world I wouldn't go out of my way to use them to make sure Mr. Jones didn't get too far ahead of me.

So I have not very often been guilty of that one.

But I must plead guilty to another concept. One that isn't quite the opposite of "Keeping of with the Joneses", but similar enough in method that I have dubbed it, "Waiting for the Smiths".

In this case, "The Smiths" are the term I use to stand in for any group of friends, or potential group of friends.

I believe that everyone is entitled to a certain demographic of friends. Not only entitled. We require certain types of people to be in our life in order to obtain any degree of fulfillment and contentment. All of us need at least some good friends that share our spiritual views. Our politics. Our own set of social graces and norms. Nobody wants to, nor should they, spend their whole life around people in whom the do not feel comfortable in confiding due to large differences in core beliefs and perceptions.

Yet in accepting that truth, I ask two questions:

1) How many potential friends are going to posses all such qualities in similar quantities to our own?

2) Can people with sometimes daunting variance in fundamental beliefs still provide each other with significant spiritual and emotional support?

My answer to the first question is not zero. But without doubts, the number is quite small over a lifetime. For most people, I dare say three or four at most, one of whom is almost certainly a spouse or future spouse.

The second question I answer with, "perhaps".

However not too many years ago I would have answered that question with, "no". I was convinced, (and to be honest part of me still feels this way) that a person in trouble or despair can never open up to, be honest with or supported by anyone with whom they didn't share very specific characteristics. Such people are fine for recreation. Or conversation. Some beer here and there. But no real connection at the deepest part of our humanity can truly occur.

In some circumstances, I am right. It can't be done, and it is foolish to think so. But I realize now that maybe it is foolish to wait until the ideal friends show up in our lives before we are open about our deepest selves. Honest. Vulnerable. If we wait for a group of people that make us feel 100% comfortable with sharing everything all of the time without any bit of fear or awkwardness, we may wait a very long time. A long during during which we have kept certain parts of ourselves hidden. And that may lead to more unhappiness.

This, my readers, if what I have dubbed "Waiting for the Smiths". The Smiths being, of course, those people with whom we have instant rapport, congruence at the deepest parts of all factions of our soul, and the ability to have fun to boot. As I said, there is a "Smith" out there for just about everyone. But maybe we shouldn't wait for them to show up before we open up.

Another way to "Wait for the Smiths" is to hope that friends we already have, people who are lacking in some quality we require, will some day other obtaining that quality, or worse than that, people whom we think we can change into possessing that quality so we can make use of it in our relationship with them.

Don't misunderstand me. We must still exercise discretion. Every single friend of ours does not need to know everything. Some of them shouldn't know everything because indeed we all have certain friends that we want to remain in the "have fun only" category. And that is fine. In fact, it's great. We all need those. But before you conclude that you have nobody to confide in, nobody with whom you can share your difficulties or worries, or fears, nobody that can keep you company when you need it, make sure you survey those friends you have, without holding them up to the "Smith Metric". They won't be able to do everything for you, but maybe they can do enough that day. If you give the right friends the chance.

And who knows...perhaps people that you feel quite dissimilar to would in the end wind up being one of "The Smiths" some day.

Are you "Waiting for the Smiths" in your life?

My Brazen Careerist "Rock Your Career" Video

I wanted to let everyone know that I, and several other Brazen Careerist users have created 30 second videos for YouTube. Mine just went live today.

It is part of a series of videos called "Rock Your Career", and as you might imagine, the purpose of the videos is for Brazen Careerist users to offer advice as to how to improve one's career. My video pertains to accepting help, but there are many other videos in that playlist, so make sure that once you watch mine, you watch them all.

And if you yourself are not a member of Brazen Careerist, sign up for free today. (Everything about it is also free, in case you were wondering.)