The Silence Between the Notes

Have you ever been to a gathering wherein somebody strikes some kind of humor cord and says/does something that gets the group roaring, but then ruins it by making the story, joke, or stunt go on far longer than it should have? To the point it becomes stale, predictable, annoying, and of course unfunny? Can't you just feel the "entertainer" milking the room for more laughs, more clapping, more attention? Isn't it pathetic? Wouldn't it have been much better if that person had just stopped about five minutes ago, when the laughter was filling the room, instead of now, when half the room has moved on, and the half still laughing is doing so mostly out of nervous politeness?

I think you know this person. And the term "quit while you're ahead" means nothing to them.

Nor do any of the following proverbs which, though slightly different on the surface do in fact advise the same thing:

"Brevity is the soul of wit."

"It is the silence between the notes that makes the music."

"The space between the bars keeps the tiger in."

"Bow out gracefully."

I am sure you sense the pattern now, and can think of even more examples of this sentiment. That sentiment being one of perfectly timed restraint.

Believe it or not, my friends consider me quite a funny person at times. This may come as a shock to some of you, because you may not be able to imagine me working a room for laughs. And you would be correct. I never work a room for laughs. I don't say things that are even intended to be funny or witty every chance I get, and even when I do, I say them and leave it at that. If a whole room is laughing at something I say, I don't feel the need to keep saying it, or adding on to it to get even more laughs. Not that I have never went on a sustained presentation that others found continuously amusing, but in those cases the story or stunt had on obvious beginning, middle and end. People laughed at the journey. But in most cases, I am content with the knowledge that at a given moment, I made several people laugh and that a moment in the future will come when I do so again.

Even though I could probably coax more laughs out of whatever group of people I find laughing at my antics, hitting them over the head with how funny I am being feels like an insult to the wondrous, mysterious honor one receives when they make people laugh on purpose. No, it's the down time of quiet simplicity or quasi-stoicism that takes place between the amusing moments that makes the laughs more special. That goes for professional entertainers as well. Few comedians are more annoying than the ones who are one constant, loud, drilling scream of joke.

Put another way, the secret to being funny is being willing to sometimes not be funny. To have an "off" setting. Even most of the time, I am not funny to most people. And because I embrace the times when nobody is laughing, and I am not trying to make them do so, I get more out of the times when I am going for the occasional laugh.

Not that this applies only to humor and wit. I think one of the essential ingredients to any kind of success is to not be "on" all of the damn time. By that I don't mean making a mistake, or being imperfect in your efforts, which will happen to everyone. I mean a total cessation of effort. Whatever you enjoy, create, or desire cannot take up 100% of your focus. You can't always be selling, advocating, relieving or whatever. Your success in any given endeavor is directly proportional to how willing you are to spend time not being/doing/saying whatever it is that drives you.

Want to be funny? Take time to be serious. Do you want people to be respectful to your position? Throw in some humor sometimes. Want to be generous? You'll have to learn to be selfish at times. 

The list could go on forever, but it doesn't need to in order to make my point, which is to know what you like, work to get it, but be willing to engage in times when you don't have it. Not due to circumstances or luck, but due to your own conscious desire to refrain from that which you seek. You'll be better off for it the next time you actively seek what you want.

Do you ever choose to not engage in something, to create that "space between the bars"? 

Looking Back on AuGuest: The Importance of Self

On this, the final Monday of August, on wanted to take some time to reflect on AuGuest 2011, and what it has meant to me and this blog.

To begin with, I once again wanted to thank my four contributors; Zoyah Thawer, Samantha Karol, Diana Antholis, and Noel Rozny. They each took time out of their busy schedules and their own writings and social media activities to add something to Too XYZ. An effort for which they received no compensation, and for which they will in all likelihood gain no fame, given the small reach of this blog of mine. It is much appreciated.

All four of these people offered something a little different, and did so in a different style. To each of their posts I wrote my own response, so I will not go into my thought on each again here. But I will say that despite the diversity of views and background for my AuGuests this year, I have in fact detected one commonality: the important of knowing and caring for the Self.

In Zoyah's case it was making sure she did not let herself become consumed by the bitterness of her situation. Samantha did not allow confusing and frustration over her unfair exclusions from groups affect the way she reached out and offered herself honesty to other people in a similar circumstance. Diana expressed how vital it was for her, and all of us, to remain confident in the direction we feel out inner most self is calling us to take in life, and Noel mentioned that despite her extroversion she has been faced lately with the occasional need to take a step back and look inward, to get a better understanding of and to provide better care to herself.

Yet it none of these cases did the slightest hint of selfishness appear. That is because caring for your self, and letting that all important center of our souls guide us as we nurture it and take care of it is not the same as selfishness. Selfishness is an ego driven state of mind with no regard to morals or the affects our actions have on other people. It caters mostly to immediate gratifications piggybacking on greater lifetime goals. That is as destructive to the selfish person as it is to the people they trample on the way to what they want. Perhaps more so.

Yet to be careful with our self, respect our inner life and make-up, no matter how different from the status quo that may be, and to, yes show love to what we are at our core, even as we accept the chance to improve upon it without pressure is to bring about the best possible version of who we are. To enhance that with which we are born, and to add to it things that we have determined we can achieve through heard work, thus giving both ourselves and the world the most potent entity we can be in service to the good around us. Not self serving cads nor slaves tied to the leash of a demanding society. Right in the middle can be found the transcendence of caring for the self.

That is what I got out of the messages of all four of my AuGuests this year. And I hope they, and each of you readers got something out of their contributing to Too XYZ as well. I'd like to hear your thoughts on that as time goes on.

Variations on the "Alpha Centauri Effect"

The “star” known most commonly as “Alpha Centauri” is the third brightest star in the night sky. Only it isn’t a star. It’s actually two stars in close proximity to one another. It is their distance from the earth, and their level of brightness that makes them appear to be one star when observed with the naked eye from this planet.

In more recent decades it was also revealed that a much smaller star, dubbed “Proxima Centauri” is also nearby. Proxima is not part of the unified illusion we see from earth, however. It is, in fact, rendered invisible to the naked eye because of its lower brightness and its vicinity to the far brighter Alpha Centauri stars. It is drowned out, so to speak.

Alpha Centauri is the closest star(s) to earth, except for the sun of course. The term “close” is relative in space, however, as the distance from here to there is about 4.7 light years. Meaning of course that it would take light itself, (which travels at 180,000 miles per second) 4.7 years to get there. Most of what lies between here and there is quite literally nothing at all, as we understand it. Cold, black, interstellar space, where even atoms themselves, the building blocks of matter, become more scarce. 

Giving whole new life to the old cliché’ “so close, and yet, so far.”

Then there is the “Alpha Centauri Effect.” This is not the product of modern science, or anything famous. It has in fact been noticed and named by yours truly.

What is the Alpha Centauri Effect? Much like its name sake, it is actually not just one concept, but several concepts that are close enough in nature to fall under one term. Variations on it exist, which I will attempt to describe to you.

Variation One

Groups of people who choose to be together physically, (or sometimes just emotionally), have their own character. A specific blend of personalities, strengths and beauty. When individuals that are particularly beautiful to us in their own right are convene together, all the greater is the impression of the collective. Furthermore, while within the framework of that group each individual is, in some way, enhanced; their own personal contributions to the group are strengthened. Their personal beauty more apparent.

To a casual outside observer the beauty of the whole group may be attributed to any one given member, or series of members. And while each person of course possesses their own unique luminescence, it is not the same, or as powerful, as that of the entire group. It is only once outsiders get close enough sometimes that they realize the beauty they were assigning to one individual is in fact that of the collective.


Variation Two

Again, when we first meet someone we like, we tend to see the fairest, brightest qualities within them, when most of what surrounds them is less appealing. (Light and dark.) We overlook the fact that most people are at best a duality of some sort, and are probably multi-faceted, with some facets good, many facets bad. But so shines the brightness of that quality which endears us to them, we see that facet, that presentation, that persona, as the entire picture. We think that what we see is one, complete, convenient package of a “star”, when in fact any given person is many different concepts in very close proximity to each other. Only when we are allowed to get closer do we realize this. If it is not too late, and we do not crash and burn right into the star(s) in question.

Variation Three

This is when people who posses their own brightness, personal beauty, and individual contributions are unnoticed from a distance by others, because of their proximity to other, bigger and brighter stars. In other words, perfectly valid people who find themselves filling the role of the Proximo Centauri, that get lost in the hype, charisma, and popularity of those that others find more “interesting”. They cannot seem to break away from the other group, for various reasons, and form their own system. If they did, they too would be seen and admired for what they were, all by themselves. But as it stands, they remain enslaved by the personal gravity of others, either by association, or by similarity of mission or occupation or environment. A pull from which they cannot escape; an escape they cannot even ask for help in obtaining, because as mentioned, most people do not know they are there, unless closer examination is taken of the situation.

Variation Four

Wherein we perceive that which is bright and beautiful to be closer than it really is. We see people shine somehow, and we think we start to know someone, but we do not. We become convinced that we are loved, but, in fact, we are not. So deep seated is our fear to admit that really most of anything between us and another person is nothing but cold dark empty space, that we use terms like “close”, “bright”, “beautiful” or even “love”. But like Alpha Centauri, close is a relative term, and in fact means that we are not that close to them as a person, (or a group of people) at all.


These are the four known Variations on the Alpha Centauri Effect. You may have noticed that a few things pull all of the variations together.

One of the common threads between all four variations is the distance. The “illusions” we see, about people or about stars, are due in large part to the distance we stand from them. From a safe distance things are easier. They require less energy to take in. We don’t get close enough to see the individual, or the facets of an individual because that is work. We enjoy the brightness they give off to us, and absorb whatever energy they may be giving off, until such time as we move on from them, either out of boredom, laziness or fear.

Yet another more positive common thread may be present amongst the Four Variations. The idea that we all look to the night sky, with naked eyes, to see what is there. To capture beauty “naturally”. The things telescopes and satellites can show us are amazing to the intellect, but lack the poignant beauty of looking straight up into a starry night, unencumbered by technology.

Floating around in our blackness, we long for beauty, and brightness. And the same is true with people. We want to be around that which is beautiful among people. We are so starved for it that we will eventually accept what our eyes see amongst the night time of our lives, even once our mind knows otherwise. We look to the sky, and accept that two stars are in fact one big star, the third brightest in the sky. We do so because a single bright star is a thing of beauty to us, even though our mind remembers it is really two stars. Our eyes and our heart see but one thing…Alpha Centauri…and that is the truth we accept.

Is doing so a folly? In human affairs does a desire to love and be enraptured by the beauty we perceive trump the knowledge that says it is more than we see? Are we wrong to seek the beauty of the stars or of people? Are people wrong to not look closer at what a star really is? Is it a sin to want to lie to ourselves sometimes, if only to escape the fact that 4.5 light years of nothing lies between us and the next closest being? 

And is what we see really an illusion, just because it is not scientifically true??

I don’t know. Do you?

Earth Angel Moments

Remember that part in Back to the Future when that goofy looking bastard with the huge mouth cuts in on George and Lorraine at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance? George begins to walk off, dejected, and Marty begins to fade from existence because this would seem to indicate that his parents will never get together and conceive him. Yet at the last minute George returns, shoves big-mouth to the floor, and kisses Lorraine like the stud he has become. The two fall in love and  Marty, along with his future, exist again. Yay!

I call that the "Earth Angel" moment, because if you will recall, that is the song the band was singing at the time, and they hit on the chorus just as Marty leaps totally back into the space-time continuum. A moment where the one very important first domino is knocked over, thus causing the proper chain reaction that leads to the rest of everything.

We all have them, and I often wonder about my own Earth Angel Moments.

What makes such a moment? First and foremost, it is in fact a moment. For example, you cannot say, getting a PhD was an Earth Angel Moment because it wasn't a moment. It was a long, drawn out process. It may have begun with a moment, but the actual attainment is not a moment. Unless something very significant happened at the actual physical moment the degree was placed in your hand.

It also has to be the seed of something good. True, something that starts out good can either turn bad, or have bad branch off consequences. And we can learn and be shaped by pain, I realize that. Yet to qualify in my mind as an Earth Angel Moment, that which radiates from the moment must be, when taken as a whole, an important, positive quantity. (In Marty's case, his existence.) A moment that if it did not happen, you wouldn't be as well off as you are now in some way. Think of the movie: what sort of moment in your life, if it were a movie, would cue the band to play the swelling part of the score as it happened on screen?

Of course the very nature of the Earth Angel Moment is one that usually precludes you from being aware of it as it happens. Without the benefit of a time traveling DeLorean I cannot be certain at the time when I am experiencing something that will change everything eventually. So I rely on retrospect.

Some I can be certain of. The moment I opted to take Acting 101 in college instead of Pottery 101. Going to my first party in college. (It didn't even require puking or anything!) Making a phone call to a specific director of a community show some years after college whom I had been referred to. No doubt things would have been drastically different if any of those things had not occurred.

Then there are those moments that feel as though they are the start of something important, but only time can tell. Starting this blog. Finding a homemade floral headband in a park two summers ago. Deciding to try freelancing. And so on. They have the potential to be Earth Angel Moments when I look back on them later.

In either case I find thinking about Earth Angel Moments to be a healthy and fun exercise. Not only does it remind me of how things sometimes go right even for me, it also reminds me that any given moment could unlock a sequence of events that leads to something major. A career. A spouse. Or something I can't even think of yet.

What were some of your Earth Angel Moments?

Fighting for Joy

The opposite of joy would seem to be depression. And in certain metrics it would be so. But I have come to believe that just as often, the opposite of joy is cynicism. 

I have a healthy cynicism in regards to many things: People who are always happy. Love at first sight. Many social media gurus. Sometimes social media itself. A large percentage of organized religion. Certain things will always bring out the cynic in me, and I am glad of that. But like many things, it can be overdone. Sometimes I think I am a cynic for too long in regards to too many things.

To be frank, I am that way with reason. I've not had the best of luck when it comes to friendships, romance, business, or employment. I've had no mentors, and virtually no help of any kind throughout my life to get anything important off the ground. Read back over this blog to learn more about that sort of thing. Yet I think that my justified cynicism has sometimes leaked into other areas of my daily life and affected same in ways that are not always healthy.

Allergy sufferers know what histamines are. They are natural and vital compounds in the body which fight off what the body believes are harmful invaders. In the case of an allergy though, histamines go apeshit and  overcompensate; they flood the system in defense against something that otherwise would pose little threat. Our own bodies' medicine then becomes our enemy. The result? Swollen, watery eyes. Runny nose. Cough. Rash, etc. To feel better, we take anti-histamines. Drugs designed to actually fight our own bodies fighters. Part of our own defenses end up working against us and have to be tamed. My cynicism sometimes acts like an overzealous histamine. It seeks to defend the joyous but ends up overrunning it.

By joy I do not mean the breath taking, life changing peak experiences of which we all have maybe a half-dozen in life. Nor do I mean that joy has to be skipping about through the meadows. I refer to the best parts of any given week in the life. Or those few elevated moments each day where the fact that you have the day outweighs everything you have to deal with on said day.

Please don't misunderstand. I do feel that kind of joy. Certain activities bring it. The company of certain individuals do so as well. Sometimes even reading an article or listening to music can bring me the simple joy to which I am referring. So I am not a stranger to the idea. Yet I have determined it is time for it to be a more frequent part of my life. But how?

I have talked to "joyful" people as well as read their writings. I ask them what it is that allows them to experience joy as often as they do. Many answer "I just choose to. I can decide to be unhappy, or decide to be happy. I choose happy."

In most cases, I believe people when they say that. (Though my cynicism is standing in the doorway peering in whenever I hear that advice.) It is not for me, however. As much as I, and anyone would like to believe that joy is a simple matter of deciding, the reality is that for many people who are Too XYZ like myself, it will always be more than a simple choice.

No, I need that spiritual anti-histamine. Something(s) that will counteract the excess cynicism, but leave the useful, healthy, and appropriate cynicism intact. It sounds like an irony, but I may have to fight for more joy. Yet the fact that it may require more effort and time doesn't make joy any less important, does it?

Staying away from people who piss me off. Refusing to find ways to tolerate people that have been intolerable for years. Striving to make new joyful friends. Thinning out my Facebook friends list. Reading success stories of people outside of my own field. Having an element of inspiration show up in some of my fiction. Even the simple act of responding to something with silence. All of these things, and more, are weapons in the fight for joy that I have been collecting. More needs to be done, and given who I am I may never reach the levels of joy some of you posses. (I know some incredibly happy people...) But the effort is worth it. Perhaps the effort itself will bring more joy?

How do you bring joy into your life? Any suggestions?

"Waiting for the Smiths"

You know that old expression, "Keeping Up with the Joneses"? Meaning the incessant need to have just a little bit more than those around you, and doing whatever it takes to obtain same, in order to save face? (In other words, a materialistic crock of shit life philosophy.) For the sake of the expression, "Jones" being a common enough name to stand for just about anybody with whom you see yourself (or your family) in competition.

It probably won't surprise you to learn that I have never given a damn what the Joneses think. Nor have I tried to keep up with them. Even if I had all the resources in the world I wouldn't go out of my way to use them to make sure Mr. Jones didn't get too far ahead of me.

So I have not very often been guilty of that one.

But I must plead guilty to another concept. One that isn't quite the opposite of "Keeping of with the Joneses", but similar enough in method that I have dubbed it, "Waiting for the Smiths".

In this case, "The Smiths" are the term I use to stand in for any group of friends, or potential group of friends.

I believe that everyone is entitled to a certain demographic of friends. Not only entitled. We require certain types of people to be in our life in order to obtain any degree of fulfillment and contentment. All of us need at least some good friends that share our spiritual views. Our politics. Our own set of social graces and norms. Nobody wants to, nor should they, spend their whole life around people in whom the do not feel comfortable in confiding due to large differences in core beliefs and perceptions.

Yet in accepting that truth, I ask two questions:

1) How many potential friends are going to posses all such qualities in similar quantities to our own?

2) Can people with sometimes daunting variance in fundamental beliefs still provide each other with significant spiritual and emotional support?

My answer to the first question is not zero. But without doubts, the number is quite small over a lifetime. For most people, I dare say three or four at most, one of whom is almost certainly a spouse or future spouse.

The second question I answer with, "perhaps".

However not too many years ago I would have answered that question with, "no". I was convinced, (and to be honest part of me still feels this way) that a person in trouble or despair can never open up to, be honest with or supported by anyone with whom they didn't share very specific characteristics. Such people are fine for recreation. Or conversation. Some beer here and there. But no real connection at the deepest part of our humanity can truly occur.

In some circumstances, I am right. It can't be done, and it is foolish to think so. But I realize now that maybe it is foolish to wait until the ideal friends show up in our lives before we are open about our deepest selves. Honest. Vulnerable. If we wait for a group of people that make us feel 100% comfortable with sharing everything all of the time without any bit of fear or awkwardness, we may wait a very long time. A long during during which we have kept certain parts of ourselves hidden. And that may lead to more unhappiness.

This, my readers, if what I have dubbed "Waiting for the Smiths". The Smiths being, of course, those people with whom we have instant rapport, congruence at the deepest parts of all factions of our soul, and the ability to have fun to boot. As I said, there is a "Smith" out there for just about everyone. But maybe we shouldn't wait for them to show up before we open up.

Another way to "Wait for the Smiths" is to hope that friends we already have, people who are lacking in some quality we require, will some day other obtaining that quality, or worse than that, people whom we think we can change into possessing that quality so we can make use of it in our relationship with them.

Don't misunderstand me. We must still exercise discretion. Every single friend of ours does not need to know everything. Some of them shouldn't know everything because indeed we all have certain friends that we want to remain in the "have fun only" category. And that is fine. In fact, it's great. We all need those. But before you conclude that you have nobody to confide in, nobody with whom you can share your difficulties or worries, or fears, nobody that can keep you company when you need it, make sure you survey those friends you have, without holding them up to the "Smith Metric". They won't be able to do everything for you, but maybe they can do enough that day. If you give the right friends the chance.

And who knows...perhaps people that you feel quite dissimilar to would in the end wind up being one of "The Smiths" some day.

Are you "Waiting for the Smiths" in your life?

Has My Social Media Experience Peaked??

For various reasons lately, all of this social media stuff has begun to feel quite heavy to me. The twittering, the emailing. The blogging. Actually among them all the blogging may be among the easier to do, since it is sharing my thoughts. Though I have not done so here in over a week.

My spirit has felt heavy lately because I am not sure if I am making a difference with all that I do. I appreciate it when people mention that it does, but one has to feel it themselves, and for whatever the reason, this last month I have not been feeling it. It hasn't made me feel better. It hasn't brought any new opportunities to me. It does not appear to have given me any tools to cause any good in the world I find myself in.I don't mind confessing that this is a more than a little depressing sometimes.

Which brings me to another sad point I need to make. When things suck, I say so. If I look back on something that sucks, I mention that it sucked. If I know why, (which I usually don't) I say why it sucked. If  I am in the middle of something that is beating me down, I will say that I am tired of being beat down. Especially when I am powerless to do anything about it. (Yes, one can be powerless to change something...)

I have always figured that if I can be happy and celebrate something positive when it happens, I should be just as entitled, logically, to lament when things are not working. Because let's face it, sometimes shit doesn't work. And for some of us, (frankly, like me) a whole lot more does NOT work, than does work. And I am not about to ignore the bad luck I find I have to deal with. Yes, I have had a lot of it.

But that honesty gets me in trouble in social media. It pisses people off, gets me called names, or accused of any manner of things that just are not fair. I had a pretty large disagreement with a social connection and friend over the last two days. I don't know, they may be a former friend at this point. I hope that isn't the case. But I do know I need a break from them, because they became very angry at me for being so "negative". And, like many of the articles I read they sort of laid into me about how there is no such thing as bad luck, that nobody ever fails, and that the only reason I am not where I want to be in life is because I do not choose to be happy enough.

This person with whom I had the disagreement is not, however the only person or source to declare this to me. I was more shocked and hurt by their anger with me because it was so personal, and seemingly so unlike them. Yet the incident was actually more of the straw on the back of my camel this month. The moment where instead of either ignoring it or moving passed the fact that someone had read me so incorrectly, I was instead very hurt, and unable to continue the conversation. Perhaps in the future...

But by no means was it unique in my social media experience. Instead of either taking my word for how unmovable my life has been for a while, or otherwise ask me some questions about my situation (which I am willing to answer), many people continue to make the assumption that I struggle because I am not happy enough. That if I were just upbeat all the time, I would have more money. Chances. Friends and success. That I somehow deserve whatever failures and loneliness I experience because my smile isn't broad enough for some people's taste.

I have gone over why I think this is a flawed approach for me. I have gone over it many times here on the blog, in fact. And I am not going to go over all of that again, other than to say everyone has their struggles, and no two people have the exact same type of struggle. So no two people can have the same solutions. What is true for you is not true for me and vice-verca. And I think the world would go a bit better if we just respected that. Especially when someone's issues, as mysterious and perplexing as they are to us, actually do not hinder or damage us in any way. Sure they may be odd to us, even a bit annoying, but are they really keeping us from moving forward? Does the fact that somebody perceives their life in a way that we do not really threaten us??

Which is one of the bigger problems I find developing with my relationship to social media of late. Yes I have made some friends, and learned some things, and found some interesting web sites and articles that I otherwise would not have. And when I can, I apply what I learn. But express your frustrations or try to explain why you have been caught in an unusually potent loop of failure, (which I have been) and the "advice" is almost always the same out here.

"Just do it. The only thing stopping you is you. Be nice. Think high. Refuse to fail, and already know that you are going to make it. Travel the world!!"

And so on and so on.


Look, here is the thing; it doesn't work that way for everyone. I am not saying that a good attitude is wrong. It is more useful than a bad one. Nor am I denying that there are ways to attain just about any dream at some point. But I do maintain that it cannot be done by everyone alone. That those who have nobody on whom to rely, nobody to guide them, nobody to offer advice, invest a little seed money, or any other of a million things that makes it easier for us to succeed simply do not have as good a chance, or indeed ANY chance of getting ahead. I am a firm believer in the fact that nobody ever truly succeeds 100% alone. Even those bloggers and authors out there who claim that they had nothing and nobody and still climbed the mountain to become a king are sort of fooling themselves. Something or someone was there at the right time. Yes, those things have to be used and hard work must be put into turning them into one's advantage. I don't deny the hard work of some of the people that have "made it". I simply deny that you can squeeze blood from a stone.

In other words, if you start with nothing, as in truly nothing. (No knowledge, friends, network, money, job, location), the odds of rising above nothing are very low. And the truth is some of us don't have those things, and never really have. And to some of us, they just don't come easily. And that is the crux of the matter.

Let's say your problem is legal blindness. You can see shadows, or things that are very up close. But for all purposes, you cannot "see". Going forward will be more difficult for you. But through much hard work, and the proper guidance and resources, a legally blind individual can attain a very normal, fulfilling life in Western society. That's inspirational.

But one solution not suggested is to simply, "Start seeing! You are only blind because you are not thankful enough!" In fact, that is almost sickening to ponder saying to a struggling blind person.

Yet we say that to people with less defined, unnamed handicaps all of the time.

Not everybody's issue has a name as obvious as "blindness". Which means that the solution to a person's issue may not be at all obvious. And half of their struggle may be just trying to figure out what the hell has gone wrong with them and their life, and find a way around their unnamed but severe obstacle(s), without having to alter it. But like the blind person, the solution isn't going to be "choose to be different". Some of us have to identify the obstacles and walk around them, and not eliminate them, as so many people out there advise.

How to find a way around them? Social media is my attempts to do so. To connect. Find ideas. Take baby steps towards a new career and possibly a new type of life. To find people who think like I do.

One of the things Too XYZ was supposed to be about was making sure that the things that suck in my life, and life in general are not ignored. Are not shoe-horned into "blessings in disguise", but actually taken for what they are; gigantic pains in the ass caused by more powerful people or unchangeable circumstances. The goal is to find others who have suffered in similar ways.

But there is another side to Too XYZ. This blog, while often pointing out the unfairness and the bullshit, also has a great deal of material dedicated to getting around the bad luck. Or at least the struggle to find a way to do so. It is about the effort. The journey. The weariness of a man who wants to be helped on his terms. Who is willing to learn and change, but not willing to pretend. Who believes that our natural tendencies need not, and probably cannot be run away from, but maybe can be slowly changed over time, when outside circumstances at last improve. Someone who wants to improve but doesn't want to read about going to bed tonight and waking up tomorrow as Seth Godin. (I don't even want to wake up in fives years and be Seth Godin. I want to wake up five years from now knowing I am a better Ty Unglebower.) Who wants to remain true to his world view, while still illiciting enough compassion, interest, and energy from other people to help him fill in the gaps that are missing. And maybe along the way helping a few other people fill in some of their own missing gaps.

Yes, social media. I do complain about things when they never, ever, ever, ever, ever,ever change, no matter what I try to do about it. (Keeping in mind, my efforts will not be your efforts, but they are still difficult.) Yet I have positive things to say as well. I have tried to look at some things differently. I am not always lamenting. If you doubt this, I suggest you read this. And this. That one as well. And throw in this one.And for God's sake, if I can find something positive to think about for this...

So am I giving up? I don't know. It doesn't seem like that to me, though I am somewhat exhausted. I have pursued some new avenues of information, and I am constantly pondering what I can do differently that doesn't involve forcing change to who and what I am today. But will I be continuing the Twitter, blogging, thing? I don't yet know. I may not, honestly. I do know I need to think about whether this experiment was the latest to not work for me, or if it is too early to tell. Or if I simply need to tweak something. Or if my mind just happens to be very, very tired this month.

The play I am in is in tech week. (The final week where a lot of little pain in the ass details are worked out, for those non-theatre types out there.) Thanksgiving, a potentially stressful event in its own right, is coming soon. I continue to fight this month old cold. So I think I will at least give some of that time to pass before making a 100% final decision.

Do you ever want to stop doing all of it? Think you ever will?

My Legacy: A Post in Cooperation with Brazen Careerist.

Sometimes it is extraordinarily difficult to think about one's legacy when one lives basically hand to mouth or less, as I do. One can get swallowed up in the every day and become so pre-occupied with finding a way to keep one's head above water that the very idea of a legacy seems not only distant, but vulgar. I find myself in this position.

But I have also found myself standing on the other side of the pendulum swing; maddening myself with thoughts of making a difference. Being remembered. Having mattered. And not having any of the resources or connections with which to make that happen, no matter how hard I try. Which in turn makes me try harder, and spin my wheels even faster, smoke, asphalt and dirt flying everywhere obscuring the view and accompanied by no real motion in any direction.

Yet even I attain balance sometimes, and can see both the challenges in the proper size, and the aspirations with a proper perspective. Time when I can evaluate the nature of what has come before me, what is around me now, and where it all might lead. And where I would like it to lead. Love it to lead. At such times I am most in tune with my truest self, and therefore most able to establish some sense of a legacy without obsession. A sense of mission without guilt. Of planning without punishment.

That may not be how most do it. But if you have read this blog anymore than, oh, twice, you know that I am not like most. I may even be unlike any but a very few. Because I have in my life, both by force, and by choice, come at life from an angle both unorthodox and unpopular. A slower course. A lesser embraced course. Not only the road not taken, but the road not mapped. There are a few grainy photographs of the road I take that have been filed away in the basement floor of the archive of life by a handful of people who have been foolish or brave enough to go this route. Those that have done so against all opposition from not just a cynical society, but from the inner critic that lives inside every marcher with his or her own drummer, no matter how confident they appear to be whilst moving confidently in the direction of their dreams.

Not all of us make it. Not all of us can keep it up. Sometimes I do not wish to. But I have. And I will as long as I am mentally healthy enough to do so. I will follow the road not mapped, and I will take some of my own pictures. But they will not be grainy shots snapped in the heat of a hurried moment. They will not be shots in the dark that only luckily captures some semblance of the lay of the land for future Too XYZers to use as a loose reference point. No, they will be crisp, clear, beautiful shots. Landscapes stretching into the horizon at dawn. Towering skyscrapers from every possible angle. Leaves of endless colors across the autumn forests and the cloud embraced, snow capped peaks of the distant behemoth mountains on the horizon.

And in all likelihood each of them will be taken from a vantage point that few others have considered. Or that have been rejected as too different, abnormal, or crazy by most others on their own journeys. I will have to take these life pictures with the camera of my heart amongst shouting and doubting. Sneers, jeers and scoffing. And worst of all, in the face of total indifference.

But I will experience those things. On this road. And take those pictures, those perfect pictures to lay out behind me, beside me, all around me, and around everyone else who wants to see them. I will, when all is said and done cut my own road towards my destination, with or without any help, capture the essence of the journey, and share it in an inspiring way, with those who want to make a similar journey but know not how to begin it.

In other words, I will find a way to get where I want to go while still being the strange me that I am. And I will leave behind something, or hopefully many somethings that are beautiful that move people to do the same thing with their own lives, should they find themselves Too XYZ to be branded and herded by society.

That is what I want my legacy to be.

This post is part of a blog series on Brazen Careerist being sponsored by Entrustet. They asked Brazen members to answer the question:  What do you want your legacy to be? 

In Defense of Yelling

Psychopaths often yell and scream in anger. They can also be gruesomely silent, and even polite. (Hannibal Lecter, anyone?)

Very decent, mature, all around good natured people can be soft spoken and calm. They can also be...

Detect a bit of a hitch there? If not, points for you. But for many people, and society in general, I think that those who yell are seen as being de facto unstable. Angry. Bitter people who cannot control their emotions. Anger is seen as an unacceptable emotion, and yelling while angry, a mortal sin.

This attitude on yelling in and of itself make me want to yell.

I have been through the fire in many ways. And have come out of it. I am a more secure person than I was ten or even five years ago. I am introspective, and am getting to know myself more and more as time goes on. I am spiritual and polite. I try to be helpful to those who need it, and I work very hard on forgive those who have wronged me to a certain extent. I am, by most standards that matter to me, a good man.

And when I am angry, I yell. At people. At things. At myself. At nobody. I yell.

Now, I don't yell uncontrollably all the time everywhere when something doesn't work out. I have to be pushed to a limit. (Longer with people, shorter with inanimate objects.) That limit is much further than it was ten years ago, ergo I yell less now. But certain things will push me to the point of yelling faster than other things. Usually when it involves something or someone that is very important to me.

Each of those catalysts could be it's own post, but in general I'll yell when I feel it is the only way to get someone's attention about a very important subject that I feel that are sidestepping. (Life, safety, and innate dignity matters, usually.) I'll yell when I get excited or passionate about something non-personal (A football game. A news story.) And, perhaps most significantly, I will often yell when I am yelled at first. Call me what you will, but to me, to sit back and calmly shake you head and whisper every time somebody yells at you is ceding some of your dignity. Even if it doesn't put you in an all out rage, (and I am almost never in one of those even when yelling) you should meet bluster with bluster, at least the first time out, if that is how the other party is going to play the game. Evens the playing field.

I don't make threats of violence. In most situations, even while yelling I avoid swear words. I do not charge closer to someone when I am yelling at them in a confrontation. (I'll even walk away while yelling sometimes, to put a natural, unthreatening limit on it.) But the fact remains; I do yell. And I often get looked at funny for doing so.

I have never understood why people look at me that way when I do it. Probably because most of the time, I am not yelling. Some I suppose get used to a person who yells all the time, and they get away with it. But the person who doesn't do it as often is judged more harshly, maybe. Or at least causes more confusion.

Plus, when I yell, as with everything I put that much energy into, I do it with passion. If I am going to do it, I am damn sure I am heard.

Bottom line: I think yelling can be cathartic. It can be a relief. It can be an effective tool in extinguishing the far more destructive "slow burn" of silent anger. While some argue that by default if you have reached the point of yelling, you have lost control of yourself, I maintain that yelling, like any other emotional expression can, and should be a controlled situation 98% of the time. There are times and places where it will never do, and those are the times you just leave. But sometime it makes a statement. It gets attention, and at least in my case, I am angry for a lot less time if I allow myself to do it, than if I bottle everything up.

So I wish more people would grow up about yelling. This idea that if I can yell in anger at a quarterback on television, I must by default be capable of beating my girlfriend, (I have gotten that complaint before!) is as unfair as it is silly. Yelling can be used in a healthy as well as an unhealthy manner, just as crying, laughing, sex, or alcohol can be used for healthy or unhealthy purposes. It is not some kind of failure, or indication of smallness of spirit. It is simply a faster and louder way of doing what everybody should do in some way or another, and that is deal with reaching one's limit.

I don't hide from my yelling, and I like being around other who don't hide from it either. Speaking softly and carrying a big stick works for much of life. But once in a while, I toss the stick and just yell from a distance.

Why are so many people against any kind of yelling, regardless of the circumstances?

Dabbling in the "Taboo"

I do a lot of theatre. Most of my local "friends", (as in, one's to whom I could drive in an hour or less) were made through theatre over the years. Furthermore, a very large percentage of people in this "theatre circle" know one another. And have known one another for many, many years. In this context, though I have known a few of them for 6 years or so, I am still the relative newcomer to the group.

Now, some of these people are great friends with one another, and some are just casual acquaintances. But the fact is, 90% of my local "friends" are in the same social network. And for a while, it gave the impression that I too was friends with, or connected to a great many people. (Network theory for you.)

The fact of the matter is, however, that I am not that well connected with many of them. I keep putting "friends" in quotation marks here, because most of them do not do what friends do. Not by my definition of the word anyway. There is little emotional support when I am in need. None of my invitations are accepted, and I am invited infrequently to things myself. They don't read my blogs, follow me on Twitter, or come see my shows, unless they are in them themselves. I have never been visited by a single one of them at home. Messages, texts, voice mails are rarely returned. My increasingly rare offers to help them with projects are never reciprocated when I am in need of assistance in mine. All of those types of things seem to be reserved for each other.

You get the idea.

It has only been in the last few years that I have come to realize this about a lot of them. The friendships I thought I had I realize I just don't. They fail to live up to all of my standards for friendship in many cases. And there are any number of possible reasons.

Some are just asses, I suppose. Masters in the art of being fake. Some I gather do not like my honesty, even when they beg  me to share it with them. Others may have changed so much internally that there is no longer room for the likes of me. Some are just small, and don't treat anybody that well when the chips are down.

So maybe I don't need them in my life. Or maybe I need a way to determine who among them, if anybody, values me in my entirety, and not simply as a dancing bear that entertains them at times. It may not be fullproof, but I have a plan which will, I hope, help clear things up a bit; I am going to dabble in the "taboo".

You see, I don't openly discuss my politics, my religion, my views on sex, or marriage, or any of those other things about which we are not supposed to talk if we want to keep our friends. (Or so they say.) And while occasional comments, decisions, and Facebook status updates have probably over the years given many people a broad sketch of where I stand, in most cases I have never come out and stated my position on any number of things. As a result, more than one person sees me as a bit "mysterious" or even "withdrawn". Worse, I fear incorrect conclusions about my beliefs may have been drawn by some.

I haven't hidden my positions on things because I fear reprisal. I value my principles too much to sacrifice them just to make "friends". In fact I have lost some because I couldn't ignore such things. But at the same time I haven't felt the need to broadcast all my beliefs to certain people because our relationships were not based on my views on such issues. (Not to mention the fact that it is pretty much a guarantee that most of my local people are not going to be coming from the same place that I am on such matters.) What is the point in risking offense when a crisis of conscience is not taking place? After all, I can live my beliefs without having to say what they are. If doing something violates my heart, I won't do it. Why make a speech about it?

But I have started to wonder over the last few years if that silence is wise. Whether this "mystery" quality to me, this diplomatic ambiguity has prevented some people, (though not all) from engaging me as fully as they otherwise might have done. Could the very reticence that I utilized in order to keep friendships stronger actually have contributed to this emotional force field I detect between me and so many others? There is only one way to find out.

To this end, I have been planning for some time now a series of messages, probably in video form, for my private Facebook page. Messages that will reveal my position on certain key areas on which I have been mostly silent over the years. (Silent with this group anyway.) Matters like religion, sex, friendship. The purpose of the messages will not be to offer counter arguments to the views of others, but to provide a more full picture of myself. That way, at least in my mind, people can begin to make choices about how close or far from me they want to be based on a little more than "he is mysterious".

This isn't a perfect plan. For one thing, there is no guarantee anybody will read/watch the messages. But then, if they don't that might be an answer of a sort right there. Another problem is that not every question can be answered in a message. A clear position on one thing often leads to more questions.  And there is the very real possibility that I will lose even the superficial friendships of some of these people.

Indeed, my positions on any number of taboo or personal subjects varies a great deal from that of many of the folks in this large, local circle. And while some may have been content with my company through the ambiguity, they may decide that my company is undesirable once they hear certain things directly from my lips without having to deduce anything themselves. This may even be true for some of the few people in the group that have actually treated me with respect and engaged my privately. It is a very real risk.

Losing connections is not a pretty prospect, regardless of the reasons. So to an extent I do fear it. But unlike in previous years, I feel things are reaching a point where I must either fish, or cut the bait, as it were, with some of these people. I am at a point in my life where I would like to have a better idea of who my real friends are, and who wants to become closer to the total me. The distance I keep from these subjects doesn't provide that level of assurance with this crop of people.

And perhaps it will not be as bad as all of that. Perhaps there may even be a handful of people who have wanted to get to know me on a more personal level, but have never known how to ask certain questions. These messages may give them a needed opening to allow our friendship to blossom further.

I guess the whole thing is like pulling weeds. Or better yet, like a fire. The true friends and people I want in my life won't burn up when I light this torch. They, like gems, will remain long after I have burned away all the chaff in my garden of "friends".

Moderation is still the key, though. I don't intend to use these messages to attack the view points of others. And I don't intend to constantly speak what I believe. (Some of them do this, and it drives my crazy. But if they are going to shout their beliefs all the time, I might as well level the playing field once in a while, am I right?) The goal is education, not pontification.

I am still an intensely private person in many ways. I am not going to reveal every intimate thought I have to these people, or to anyone for that matter. I am still an introvert after all. But there comes a time when you have to at least place the "You Are Here" sticker on the map of your life, so other people have a sense of what to expect. 5 years ago, being polite and being a fellow actor was enough. I sense now that with these locals, it isn't anymore. They have to either love or hate me based on something more than what they currently have. So, in the best way I can, I hope to give some more to them.

I am sure even after I do this, there will be fake people in my circle. People that pay lip service to loving me, but never showing it. But in the end, I suppose I am not really doing it for them. I am doing it for me. It feels more authentic for me to do this, despite the consequences. I feel that I want these people to know more about my spirit now. What they will do with a more clear picture of that will, in the end, be up to them.

Have any of you struggled with being open about something in a similar manner to this? I know that most other people my age are from the "privacy is dead, share every little thought you have and fuck everybody else" mentality. But that isn't me, and never will be.

Leaving a Wallet, Finding Enlightenment.

I used to take my wallet with me everywhere I went. Obviously when I was driving, but also on walks of all lengths. The first thing I would do before leaving the house would be to check for my wallet. The few times I forgot to pocket it left me feeling incomplete, perhaps even a little naked, the moment during my walk when I would discover it's absence.

A few years ago though, I started leaving my wallet behind when I went on my longer walks. I wanted to be rid of the encumbrance. And I don't mean the physical weight of the thing.

We often get caught up in the idea that who we are is defined by a number on a computer, or what we own, hat we do, or in this cases, the papers and documents that bear our name and follow us throughout our lives. Now for legal reasons, some of those things are of course important for any number of reasons. Yet beyond that, these are not the things that show the world what type of person we are. Nothing in our wallet shows how we treat people. What we fear. To what we aspire. They don't show our scars nor our dreams. They do not extinguish our bad memories any more than they sweeten out joyful ones. They are merely ornament, but we treat them as extensions of our true selves. In many ways the wallet (or purse) is the headquarters of this view of ourselves.

It didn't strike me as interesting until recently that the contents of our wallets and purses are often referred to as our "identification." We are sort of brought up to believe this. Ergo when we lose such things, we suffer more than the obvious pain in the ass of cancelling credit cards and replacing driver's licenses. We actually feel the horrific pangs of personal loss.

"My whole life was in that thing," we lament.

And that says it all, doesn't it? Yes you'll have your work cut out for you for a few weeks, but are the contents of your wallet truly you "whole life"? As a soul are you less complete without them? I'd say not, of course. But if you earnestly feel you would be, perhaps a reexamination of priorities is in order.

A little effort every day towards knowing who we our at our core, ignoring what society says we must seek and possess in order to be whole brings us one step closer to getting to know our pure, unencumbered selves.
Leaving my wallet behind sometimes is just one small way of implementing this idea in my daily life.

Of course leaving my wallet on the table when I walk for a few hours is not in and of itself going to grant me all the wisdom of the ages here. But it is a convenient symbolism for me which serves to remind me that there is the "Ty on paper", and then there is the far more real, more deep, (and more accurate) "Ty the person." The twain rarely meet. Thank heaven.

Do you ever take the time to remind yourself that you are more than you career/stuff/money/position? How do you go about doing so? If you haven't yet, what sort of symbolic gestures might you take to engage in such a step? Let me know.

Christmas Equilibrium Day

Today, according to most "Western" calendars is June 25th. That means that for most people who celebrate Christmas in some fashion, today is exactly 6 months since last Christmas, as well as 6 months until this Christmas.

I love symmetry, don't you?

For the last few years I have used June 25th as sort of a "Mini-Christmas". Not much else is going on this time of year by way of celebratory holidays, anyway, other then the American Independence Day.

Many people/companies actually use July 25th, (aka, "Christmas in July") to do similar things, in order to pick up some extra dollars in what is otherwise a retail waste land. (July-September.) Some resorts go all out for it. Theme parties and everything. I don't go to all of that, but I'll sometimes pop in one of my Christmas CDs while I am cooking dinner that day. Or I may go to bed watching a Christmas movie. (Again in June as opposed to July, because I am a very symmetrical person in many ways.)


The point is, Christmas is never further away, technically, than it is today.

Which is why I also use today as a bit of a meditation. Despite my being more spiritual than officially religious, I follow the spirit of Christmas, (charity, mercy, gentleness, and all of that). There does seem to be a bit more of those things during the holidays. At least outwardly. (Unless you are at the mall...)

But I try to make those attitudes part of what I am, and not simply a side-effect of a specific holiday. (Which in many ways has become massively corporate and kitschy in some circles.) I want to show goodwill toward men, and recognize the miraculous in my daily life, not just between Thanksgiving and New Year's. As the Salvation Army bellringers, (they and their signs being a Christmastime staple in their own right) remind us;

"Hunger knows no season."

Indeed. Which is why, as an adult, I have tried to delve into my soul and bring out by myself at all times of the year, what the pine trees, cookies, music, (good AND bad) and Charlie Brown bring out somewhat more easily for me during December; a connection between my humanity, and the Divine.

So I whistle a few carols when it's 94 degrees outside. It's fun, and a reminder that it isn't in fact those tunes that make the real holiday what it is. Christmas is a state of being, not just a time of year. I can create inside of me what it means to me. I can conjure up and manifest the nobler aspects of my nature when I choose to do so. I don't need the trimmings. They are nice, and I cherish tradition and ritual to a great deal. But as I get older I seek to remind myself that such things are there to serve man in his journey...not for man to stop his journey in order to serve them.

That isn't to say that we can change the things that happen around us much. Those of you who have gotten to know me realize that I have quite a few ridiculous obstacles that have been thrown in front of me rather often in the past. But I do have the power to alter how quickly I recover from same. When and where I can shine a light.

Which means, friends, that you don't have to celebrate Christmas for the lesson of June 25th to apply. It can be a day that is 6 months on from any day that to you symbolizes and celebrates the better angels of our nature. Birthdays. A wedding anniversary. The Solstice. It doesn't much matter, so long as you take a moment during a day long removed from those holidays/recognitions to remember that whatever those days mean for you is actually what you bring to those days. What you muster up from within your spirit to shine upon the rituals of whatever observance it happens to be. Take some time, six months away from your most important day of the year, to ask yourself if the day puts those things inside of you, or if it is YOU that puts those miraculous things inside the day.

And if you find that you can put them into that day, whatever it is, you can put them into any day. Every day. You can be a holiday unto yourself.

What are your most meaningful times of the year? What rituals do they contain? What do you bring to them? What do you do when those rituals and holidays are long passed to keep their spirit alive within you all the time?

Who's Got That School Spirit?? Not Me. (A Featured Post on Brazen Careerist.)

In high school, I was voted the one with the most school spirit.

It was one of the greatest ironies of my life so far. I had no school spirit. I went to a terrible high school and took every chance to explain as much. To this day I am convinced that awarding me that superlative was a class joke on me, though I've never been sure who orchestrated it.

The point is, I've never understood the idea of school spirit. Not for it's own sake at least.

Starting from about 6th grade and continuing up through college, I had almost nothing of what they call school spirit, despite official pleas and efforts to establish same in the student bodies of which I was a member at any given time. My least favorite week of the year tended to be "Spirit Week", where everybody expressed their alleged school spirit by painting their faces, wearing school sweatshirts, or going to that most loathed of compulsory social events, (yes, we were MADE to go in high school) the Pep Rally. I never wanted to go to these damn things, and thankfully in college I could and did, opt out.


"But it's YOUR school," cheerleaders and even staff members would sometimes tell me. "That's YOUR team out there."

Is it? Does the win/loss record of the basketball team affect my personal reasons for getting an education in even the slightest ways? Does what I do in class in any way affect their game? No on both counts, so it is hardly "my" team. But back to school spirit.

There is much more to a school than a sports team. Yet pep rallies and school spirit are almost always centered around the sports. You hoot, clap and holler for all of the members of your school sports teams, whom you have not met, and probably will never talk to in most cases, while girls in short skirts shake things for them. And if you are a fan of sports, or do in fact know the team players, that's great for you.

Yet the cheerleaders, the athletes, and in most cases the staff and faculty would never be found at the opening nights of any of the school plays, or in the churches for the school choir concerts. Would they be moved to do so by a plea that, "It's YOUR chess team? It's YOUR debate club"? I am willing to bet in the negative in most cases.

Sports attendance in schools I think is merely the most convenient, public way for people to prove they are towing some kind of line. Which is why I think many staff and faculty members who haven't the least interest in sports end up at homecoming games and other major tournaments in such large numbers. And schools count on such a conflation between the excitement of sports events, and the overall quality of the entire school to distract people from actual pressing problems that are pertinent to the school's stated mission. Such distraction never worked for me.

But in the end it's not only about the sports favoritism that is inherent in almost all school spirit activities. I wouldn't fault a school for having an active athletic program, (so long as they are surpassed by the educational aspects of the school.) But for me to feel any kind of "spirit" for an institution, I need to feel that the whole is putting as much effort into my well being as I am putting into it. None of my schools ever did this, and I find it next to impossible to manufacture spirit ex nihlio for an institution that doesn't reciprocate the effort in anyway.

I was just a number whose problems were shoved aside, ignored, or mocked in some cases. Attempts to point out weaknesses with the system were met with censorship. Any attempts to innovate were squelched. Only half the time did the various staff members extend even an adequate level of energy to insure my educational experience was tolerable. At virtually no point did anybody go beyond their obligations to make my education memorable, even after repeated pleas from myself and others. It was, in most cases all about going along to get along, which a school, if nowhere else, should avoid. My schools didn't.

In short, my various schools never gave the slightest indication that they would bend over backwards to help students live better and learn more about becoming authentic citizens of the world. Yet most students still painted their faces, wore the sweatshirts, crafted the signs, and participated in all the requisite behavior that "school spirit" entailed. Even when I knew personally they were getting screwed by the administration in the exact same ways I was. Mind boggling then, mind boggling now.

"Think of all the school has given you," some former colleagues would say.

My response is that I never felt obligated to be grateful when my school managed to barely accomplish the very goals of a school; educating me. Something I paid them handsomely to do anyway.  

I have heard the assertion that it does the individual good to show loyalty, (spirit) towards an institution of which they are a member, regardless of the circumstances. That the very act of expressing school spirit has positive effects for one's own spirit, and for one's reputation, within the institution. And there is no doubt that ass kissing gets certain people a certain distance. But I can't stomach it. Never could.Even if it is "just what you do" when you're a student.

In the end, I am not against school spirit as a concept. In fact one of my biggest regrets in life is that I never attended an educational institution that deserved my loyalty. I would love to know what it feels like to go whole hog in support of a community of which I am a member. I am astonished by people who continue to support their colleges decades after they graduate. Those who feel so moved by their experiences when a student that they go to the homecomings every year and visit their old dorm rooms. To have that much appreciation for a place is foreign to me. Probably why I am not a member of any alumni association. Probably why I have never been back to my college campus, and don't intend to go back anytime in the near future. The schools mean nothing to me now that I am gone. They barely meant anything when I was there. But not because I chose it to be that way. Rather, because I am no good at one way investments.

I like to hope that this lack of attention to students is not universal. That for me it was just a matter of bad luck that I always picked the wrong schools. Indeed, everytime I chose a school, literally, they announced some massive years long realignment plan that was designed to totally change or expand the school into something it was not. Perhaps if I had attended each of my schools in a time BEFORE they were struck with the notion to totally rebuild, I might have felt loyal to them. But it was not to be for me.

I hope that my children feel they can fall in love with their schools. It seems to be such a potent, rewarding feeling for so many that I envy in a way.  Perhaps if I ever go to graduate school as an old man I can show school spirit for that.

But still no pep rallies. Too noisy.

Did/do you have sincere school spirit for your high school/college/grad school? Tell me about it. I want to know how it feels.