On this, the final Monday of August, on wanted to take some time to reflect on AuGuest 2011, and what it has meant to me and this blog.
To begin with, I once again wanted to thank my four contributors; Zoyah Thawer, Samantha Karol, Diana Antholis, and Noel Rozny. They each took time out of their busy schedules and their own writings and social media activities to add something to Too XYZ. An effort for which they received no compensation, and for which they will in all likelihood gain no fame, given the small reach of this blog of mine. It is much appreciated.
All four of these people offered something a little different, and did so in a different style. To each of their posts I wrote my own response, so I will not go into my thought on each again here. But I will say that despite the diversity of views and background for my AuGuests this year, I have in fact detected one commonality: the important of knowing and caring for the Self.
In Zoyah's case it was making sure she did not let herself become consumed by the bitterness of her situation. Samantha did not allow confusing and frustration over her unfair exclusions from groups affect the way she reached out and offered herself honesty to other people in a similar circumstance. Diana expressed how vital it was for her, and all of us, to remain confident in the direction we feel out inner most self is calling us to take in life, and Noel mentioned that despite her extroversion she has been faced lately with the occasional need to take a step back and look inward, to get a better understanding of and to provide better care to herself.
Yet it none of these cases did the slightest hint of selfishness appear. That is because caring for your self, and letting that all important center of our souls guide us as we nurture it and take care of it is not the same as selfishness. Selfishness is an ego driven state of mind with no regard to morals or the affects our actions have on other people. It caters mostly to immediate gratifications piggybacking on greater lifetime goals. That is as destructive to the selfish person as it is to the people they trample on the way to what they want. Perhaps more so.
Yet to be careful with our self, respect our inner life and make-up, no matter how different from the status quo that may be, and to, yes show love to what we are at our core, even as we accept the chance to improve upon it without pressure is to bring about the best possible version of who we are. To enhance that with which we are born, and to add to it things that we have determined we can achieve through heard work, thus giving both ourselves and the world the most potent entity we can be in service to the good around us. Not self serving cads nor slaves tied to the leash of a demanding society. Right in the middle can be found the transcendence of caring for the self.
That is what I got out of the messages of all four of my AuGuests this year. And I hope they, and each of you readers got something out of their contributing to Too XYZ as well. I'd like to hear your thoughts on that as time goes on.
Showing posts with label AuGuest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label AuGuest. Show all posts
Monday, August 29, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
AuGuest: My Response to Samantha
Samantha's AuGuest post dealt with her desire and ability to not set people aside just because they are not in a group, or don't fit some kind of criteria, even though for reasons unclear she herself was excluded from a group(s) at one point.
In other words, like Zoyah, she has not let what could have been a painful experience make her too bitter to let people in. Indeed that very experience of being shut out motivated Samantha to be even more considerate people who are outside of her direct circle. (The example she gave was making sure everyone at a party feels welcome, even if she doesn't know much about them.)
I myself have often been on the receiving end of such exclusions as Samantha wrote about. From grade school all the way up into my adulthood even today, I have been left aside, not invited to the parties, or been the one that never has his messages returned. The one who sets up things to do, only to have his invitations constantly turned down, or ignored.
Only in certain situations have these experiences made me extra certain to reach out. For example, I made a vow to myself to express sympathy when someone I know loses a parent, no matter who they are, since that sympathy was never expressed to me as a child. When I get a message from anyone with whom I am on good terms I am prompt in returning it. If I can physically be of assistance to most people, I will offer to be so. These are things I would have done anyway, but I have a greater focus on them because I haven't received much of this sort of support from others in my life.
Yet those are examples that tend to present themselves. Almost as though the Universe says, "Okay, here's a test of your principles to chew on." I like to think I usually pass such tests, as graded by both the Universe and my own compass. Yet my track record is not so good when it comes to reaching out beyond a certain very narrow circle in my life.
In her post, Samantha wrote:
"Don't just brush people off because they're not part of your group."
In my own defense I do have to start by saying that I don't reject people just because they are not in my group. I pride myself on what I call my "mental inclusiveness". My belief that just about everybody in any type of demographic has something to offer the world, and potentially something to offer me. My thoughts are egalitarian. And again, there are all kinds of people that if they came to me would have a place at my table. Now ask me about how often I go out of my way to mention my table first...
Yes, part of it is that I am an introvert, and we introverts don't often like to start the conversations, reach out to strangers, or get the proverbial ball rolling on the social front. We like to be left alone at first, and we like to assume others do as well. Yet I cannot lay all of my reticent reluctance at the doorstep of my introversion.
The truth is, so many different types of people have dismissed me that it becomes easier to profile in a way. Did I specifically reject, say, cheerleaders in high school or college because that is what they were? No. Did I allow my experiences with people who were cheerleaders to define what I could expect from such people most of the time, and hence out of self preservation opt to not explore relationships with them? Yes. I did.
When you're like me you tend to take specific note of the pain inflicted upon you, and the source of that pain. Which in turn makes you far less likely in the future to give certain people a second look. Even if they are not the direct cause of your pain. Even if you know on a meta, intellectual level that they, like any stranger are just as entitled to your decency, respect and friendship as anybody else. You still do it. And then you tend to close your circle in as tight as possible in an effort to keep out the unpredictables. The new people. The ones outside of the archetypes with which you most identify. I did that and in many ways continue to do that.
Sometimes this withdrawal is in fact counterproductive or even destructive to the very ends I am gunning for. Just the other day I was talking to a close friend of mine that I knew in college, but didn't speak to much until after college was over. Through the wonders of social media we actually became close after we had lived on the same campus for years. Not during. And as I said to her only recently, one main reason for this was that she was in, (or at least appeared to be in) a different group. Another demographic. And though I never dismissed her and her friends simply because they were not like me, I also figured the safest thing to do was to not engage in such people too much, because similar people in the past had burned me. Sometimes I knew why, but usually I didn't.
Instead, in college I clung to those with a shared archetype. The artistic, theatre geek crowd. And the irony is, that crowd had just as many traitors, liars, and caddy manipulators as any other group one might associate with such low-lifes. In fact, theatre people may be more guilty of that sort of thing than most groups. But because I was arts oriented myself I allowed a false sense of safety and familiarity to dictate where and when I engaged other people. The result? Abject loneliness after a serious event in my final semester in college. My "group" had basically zero sympathy for me in my time of need, and I had little connections elsewhere.
What I would have given to have been able to flee from my theatre people in the final semester of college! Could have been to any group that welcomed me. The football players. The foreign exchanges. The pot-heads. Anybody to whom I could have gone with the simple intention of interacting and feeling valued again. Yet because I allowed my previous history with people to dictate my behavior, I had no such connections to speak of. I had held back in befriending certain types. Again, some of it was due to my being an introvert on the outside of some very extroverted groups. Yet a bigger part of it was due to simple reluctance to treat certain people better than I had been treated by others that resembled them. Others that offered no instant familiarity. I paid a huge price for that reluctance. I continue to pay a huge price for it to this day...
So I applaud Samantha and people like her that are able to reach out even when they have been excluded. Those that can be receptive to different demographics and not keep an automatic distance from them, even when they themselves have been victims of such discrimination. Those that don't require a situation involving moral imperatives before they engage certain types, like I do. Such people may not be better than me, but they probably have a better chance of getting through the bad times with smaller scars.
I'll close with something that same friend of mine told me during the conversation I mentioned earlier.
"It doesn't matter what happened back then. We are close now."
True. And that gives me hope that it isn't too late for me to reach out even after I have been stepped on.
In other words, like Zoyah, she has not let what could have been a painful experience make her too bitter to let people in. Indeed that very experience of being shut out motivated Samantha to be even more considerate people who are outside of her direct circle. (The example she gave was making sure everyone at a party feels welcome, even if she doesn't know much about them.)
I myself have often been on the receiving end of such exclusions as Samantha wrote about. From grade school all the way up into my adulthood even today, I have been left aside, not invited to the parties, or been the one that never has his messages returned. The one who sets up things to do, only to have his invitations constantly turned down, or ignored.
Only in certain situations have these experiences made me extra certain to reach out. For example, I made a vow to myself to express sympathy when someone I know loses a parent, no matter who they are, since that sympathy was never expressed to me as a child. When I get a message from anyone with whom I am on good terms I am prompt in returning it. If I can physically be of assistance to most people, I will offer to be so. These are things I would have done anyway, but I have a greater focus on them because I haven't received much of this sort of support from others in my life.
Yet those are examples that tend to present themselves. Almost as though the Universe says, "Okay, here's a test of your principles to chew on." I like to think I usually pass such tests, as graded by both the Universe and my own compass. Yet my track record is not so good when it comes to reaching out beyond a certain very narrow circle in my life.
In her post, Samantha wrote:
"Don't just brush people off because they're not part of your group."
In my own defense I do have to start by saying that I don't reject people just because they are not in my group. I pride myself on what I call my "mental inclusiveness". My belief that just about everybody in any type of demographic has something to offer the world, and potentially something to offer me. My thoughts are egalitarian. And again, there are all kinds of people that if they came to me would have a place at my table. Now ask me about how often I go out of my way to mention my table first...
Yes, part of it is that I am an introvert, and we introverts don't often like to start the conversations, reach out to strangers, or get the proverbial ball rolling on the social front. We like to be left alone at first, and we like to assume others do as well. Yet I cannot lay all of my reticent reluctance at the doorstep of my introversion.
The truth is, so many different types of people have dismissed me that it becomes easier to profile in a way. Did I specifically reject, say, cheerleaders in high school or college because that is what they were? No. Did I allow my experiences with people who were cheerleaders to define what I could expect from such people most of the time, and hence out of self preservation opt to not explore relationships with them? Yes. I did.
When you're like me you tend to take specific note of the pain inflicted upon you, and the source of that pain. Which in turn makes you far less likely in the future to give certain people a second look. Even if they are not the direct cause of your pain. Even if you know on a meta, intellectual level that they, like any stranger are just as entitled to your decency, respect and friendship as anybody else. You still do it. And then you tend to close your circle in as tight as possible in an effort to keep out the unpredictables. The new people. The ones outside of the archetypes with which you most identify. I did that and in many ways continue to do that.
Sometimes this withdrawal is in fact counterproductive or even destructive to the very ends I am gunning for. Just the other day I was talking to a close friend of mine that I knew in college, but didn't speak to much until after college was over. Through the wonders of social media we actually became close after we had lived on the same campus for years. Not during. And as I said to her only recently, one main reason for this was that she was in, (or at least appeared to be in) a different group. Another demographic. And though I never dismissed her and her friends simply because they were not like me, I also figured the safest thing to do was to not engage in such people too much, because similar people in the past had burned me. Sometimes I knew why, but usually I didn't.
Instead, in college I clung to those with a shared archetype. The artistic, theatre geek crowd. And the irony is, that crowd had just as many traitors, liars, and caddy manipulators as any other group one might associate with such low-lifes. In fact, theatre people may be more guilty of that sort of thing than most groups. But because I was arts oriented myself I allowed a false sense of safety and familiarity to dictate where and when I engaged other people. The result? Abject loneliness after a serious event in my final semester in college. My "group" had basically zero sympathy for me in my time of need, and I had little connections elsewhere.
What I would have given to have been able to flee from my theatre people in the final semester of college! Could have been to any group that welcomed me. The football players. The foreign exchanges. The pot-heads. Anybody to whom I could have gone with the simple intention of interacting and feeling valued again. Yet because I allowed my previous history with people to dictate my behavior, I had no such connections to speak of. I had held back in befriending certain types. Again, some of it was due to my being an introvert on the outside of some very extroverted groups. Yet a bigger part of it was due to simple reluctance to treat certain people better than I had been treated by others that resembled them. Others that offered no instant familiarity. I paid a huge price for that reluctance. I continue to pay a huge price for it to this day...
So I applaud Samantha and people like her that are able to reach out even when they have been excluded. Those that can be receptive to different demographics and not keep an automatic distance from them, even when they themselves have been victims of such discrimination. Those that don't require a situation involving moral imperatives before they engage certain types, like I do. Such people may not be better than me, but they probably have a better chance of getting through the bad times with smaller scars.
I'll close with something that same friend of mine told me during the conversation I mentioned earlier.
"It doesn't matter what happened back then. We are close now."
True. And that gives me hope that it isn't too late for me to reach out even after I have been stepped on.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
AuGuest: My Response to Zoyah
On Monday, Zoyah started off AuGuest 2011 with her thoughts on bitterness and how to overcome same. Read that post first, if you haven't already.
I admire the post, because I see the value in the advice. No logical argument can be made against the notion of avoiding extended bitterness, and for choosing instead to be, as she describes herself, a "glass half-full" type.
Yet like so many things that one can acknowledge as proper but can't always initiate, I admit to sometimes having a hard time being the person Zoyah suggests in her piece.
It is important for me to point out that sitting here now I am far, far closer to the worthy ideal that she writes about than I was, say five years ago. Hell, even one year ago. That is because I do see the "Zoyah Standard" if you will, as something to which I, and others should aspire at times. It is a slow climb for people like me, and while when I look up I see much climbing left to do to get to that peak, if I look down I can also see how far I have come. That is because I hold several, even if not all, of Zoyah's tenants as a beacon of sorts.
To put it another way, it is a much longer journey for me than it is for Zoyah. For her, and others like her, the philosophy is like a GPS in the car. Turn by turn directions for how to live better on the day. For me, such advice is like the North Star. A guide to be sure, but distant. Slow, deliberate celestial navigation towards larger, less specific areas of the globe.
Who can say why I am Too XYZ for the faster approach? I suppose we are all just built differently. I know that many will say that it is just a matter of choice whether or not we are happy. (Though I think Zoyah stops just short of this blanket statement.) For many it is easy. For me it is easiER than it was say in college, or high school or two summers ago, but that is only because years and years of work and introspection led to it. To be frank, sheer numbness to the blows inflicted upon me have also contributed to my feeling less bitterness. (Though I would wonder if that is a healthy way to not be bitter...)
Her post covered many things, and I don't think I could, or need to respond to each of them. But one sectipn stands out and in my view is the bulls-eye of why it is so hard for some people to do what she does. Zoyah wrote:
"Circumstances have a huge impact on your behavior...sometimes circumstances or situations can grab hold of you, exhibit some sort of power over you, and even change you - maybe not forever but for a long while."
This I think is the crux of it for people like me.
Zoyah shared her story about her bitterness in the wake of her "first love" not working out. She goes on to describe how unpleasant she felt and acted to the world until her sister snapped her out of by pointing out her bitterness. I have been bitter, and in some places am still bitter, due to certain circumstances grabbing a hold of me. Those circumstances are different for each person, and I don't want to enter sad-sack autobiography mode in this post. But suffice to say that a succession of things grabbed a hold of me. Before I had a chance to snap out, or even just crawl out of the bitterness of one, another would clamp down. And then another. Until bitter numbness, (as opposed to the being numb to bitterness that I described earlier) began to set it.
Like memory foam, certain parts of my consciousness have been squeezed into a certain shape for so long by so many different hands that it has taken quite a while for my psychology to regain its proper, pre-onslaught shape. Parts of it are still recovering. A few parts have actually been torn off of the pillow and cannot be replaced even once everything springs back.
Thank the Divinities that I am not still in as bad a shape as I used to be. That I am not as angry as I once was. Yet I still envy Zoyah's situation in multiple ways.
She seems to still have the ability to choose on the moment to see the half-full glass. Like anyone she can get bitter, but has the power to choose to override it most of the time. I do not, but I envy the ability.
I envy that her default state is optimism. When that is your default setting, my guess is that you can return to it with more gusto when the time comes. My default state is usually, "Prove it." So even when I am beat down, and attain full recovery, the best I can usually hope for right now is a return to the normal levels of skepticism about humanity. I am not ashamed of my default, it is what I am. But I sometimes wish it were a little less of what I am.
Envy for Zoyah also creeps in when it comes to the wake up call she received from her sister. (Whom I also know, by the way.) I know that Zoyah and her sister are quite close, and while I am close with some of my sisters and distant from some, my siblings and I generally do not have the, "snap out of it" sort of dynamic with one another. The whole family is full of quasi-introspective and sometimes brooding, independent introverts. We don't usually say things like that to one another. It's just the way it is. I don't wish away my family, but if my family doesn't have anybody that could cut right to the quick of my bitterness and make me see the need to course correct, I wish I would have had somebody somewhere who could have.
Then again, that may be impossible given how quickly and deeply bitterness has at times in my life, overcome me. Plus, at the time I don't usually call it bitterness. One man's bitterness is another man's "justifiable disgust". In the vast majority of cases, I have, and to be frank still do feel justified in how pissed I have been at certain situations and people. Maybe one day I won't be, but for now...
We need people like Zoyah, no doubt. And while I am not ashamed of what I am, and do think that something fundamental about Ty Unglebower would be lost if he were suddenly to become a full time optimist, I cannot help but think my battle would be a bit more endurable at times if I were able to make Zoyah-type choices every day.
But at least I have the North Star.
I admire the post, because I see the value in the advice. No logical argument can be made against the notion of avoiding extended bitterness, and for choosing instead to be, as she describes herself, a "glass half-full" type.
Yet like so many things that one can acknowledge as proper but can't always initiate, I admit to sometimes having a hard time being the person Zoyah suggests in her piece.
It is important for me to point out that sitting here now I am far, far closer to the worthy ideal that she writes about than I was, say five years ago. Hell, even one year ago. That is because I do see the "Zoyah Standard" if you will, as something to which I, and others should aspire at times. It is a slow climb for people like me, and while when I look up I see much climbing left to do to get to that peak, if I look down I can also see how far I have come. That is because I hold several, even if not all, of Zoyah's tenants as a beacon of sorts.
To put it another way, it is a much longer journey for me than it is for Zoyah. For her, and others like her, the philosophy is like a GPS in the car. Turn by turn directions for how to live better on the day. For me, such advice is like the North Star. A guide to be sure, but distant. Slow, deliberate celestial navigation towards larger, less specific areas of the globe.
Who can say why I am Too XYZ for the faster approach? I suppose we are all just built differently. I know that many will say that it is just a matter of choice whether or not we are happy. (Though I think Zoyah stops just short of this blanket statement.) For many it is easy. For me it is easiER than it was say in college, or high school or two summers ago, but that is only because years and years of work and introspection led to it. To be frank, sheer numbness to the blows inflicted upon me have also contributed to my feeling less bitterness. (Though I would wonder if that is a healthy way to not be bitter...)
Her post covered many things, and I don't think I could, or need to respond to each of them. But one sectipn stands out and in my view is the bulls-eye of why it is so hard for some people to do what she does. Zoyah wrote:
"Circumstances have a huge impact on your behavior...sometimes circumstances or situations can grab hold of you, exhibit some sort of power over you, and even change you - maybe not forever but for a long while."
This I think is the crux of it for people like me.
Zoyah shared her story about her bitterness in the wake of her "first love" not working out. She goes on to describe how unpleasant she felt and acted to the world until her sister snapped her out of by pointing out her bitterness. I have been bitter, and in some places am still bitter, due to certain circumstances grabbing a hold of me. Those circumstances are different for each person, and I don't want to enter sad-sack autobiography mode in this post. But suffice to say that a succession of things grabbed a hold of me. Before I had a chance to snap out, or even just crawl out of the bitterness of one, another would clamp down. And then another. Until bitter numbness, (as opposed to the being numb to bitterness that I described earlier) began to set it.
Like memory foam, certain parts of my consciousness have been squeezed into a certain shape for so long by so many different hands that it has taken quite a while for my psychology to regain its proper, pre-onslaught shape. Parts of it are still recovering. A few parts have actually been torn off of the pillow and cannot be replaced even once everything springs back.
Thank the Divinities that I am not still in as bad a shape as I used to be. That I am not as angry as I once was. Yet I still envy Zoyah's situation in multiple ways.
She seems to still have the ability to choose on the moment to see the half-full glass. Like anyone she can get bitter, but has the power to choose to override it most of the time. I do not, but I envy the ability.
I envy that her default state is optimism. When that is your default setting, my guess is that you can return to it with more gusto when the time comes. My default state is usually, "Prove it." So even when I am beat down, and attain full recovery, the best I can usually hope for right now is a return to the normal levels of skepticism about humanity. I am not ashamed of my default, it is what I am. But I sometimes wish it were a little less of what I am.
Envy for Zoyah also creeps in when it comes to the wake up call she received from her sister. (Whom I also know, by the way.) I know that Zoyah and her sister are quite close, and while I am close with some of my sisters and distant from some, my siblings and I generally do not have the, "snap out of it" sort of dynamic with one another. The whole family is full of quasi-introspective and sometimes brooding, independent introverts. We don't usually say things like that to one another. It's just the way it is. I don't wish away my family, but if my family doesn't have anybody that could cut right to the quick of my bitterness and make me see the need to course correct, I wish I would have had somebody somewhere who could have.
Then again, that may be impossible given how quickly and deeply bitterness has at times in my life, overcome me. Plus, at the time I don't usually call it bitterness. One man's bitterness is another man's "justifiable disgust". In the vast majority of cases, I have, and to be frank still do feel justified in how pissed I have been at certain situations and people. Maybe one day I won't be, but for now...
We need people like Zoyah, no doubt. And while I am not ashamed of what I am, and do think that something fundamental about Ty Unglebower would be lost if he were suddenly to become a full time optimist, I cannot help but think my battle would be a bit more endurable at times if I were able to make Zoyah-type choices every day.
But at least I have the North Star.
Monday, August 1, 2011
AuGuest Post: Too Bitter, by Zoyah Thawer
Not everyone is a jerk-wad loser!
For those of you who know me, you know that I’m a glass-half-full type of gal; oftentimes, the glass isn’t even half-full, so much as overflowing. So I’m an optimist: so what? I’m not delusional; I just think it’s more fun to go through life with a smile on your face! After all, it does take more muscles to frown than to smile, so why not conserve energy? So then, what’s with the title of this post? How could I, the self-proclaimed Ms. Sunshine and Rainbows be too bitter?
Circumstances have a huge impact on your behaviour. I know, I know: I’m the first to admit that it’s not the circumstances, so much as how you choose to deal with them. And for a control-freak like me, it’s hard when you can’t control how others act. I know, I know, I know. On the other hand, sometimes circumstances or situations can grab hold of you, exhibit some sort of power over you, and even change you – maybe not forever, but for a long while.
How cliché: I’m going to talk about my first love. But it gets better, I swear, so bear with me through some of the gory details. Like all “first loves”, we seemed to instantly click. It was one of those, “Oh my God! You hate emptying the dishwasher, too?”, situations. Now I know that anyone that has been around longer than 22 years will tell me: you were not in love. But indulge me for a second: I think I was. I fell hard and fast. I don’t have another frame of reference so there’s no telling, yet.
But things went bad, very quickly. Mr. X was clearly not ready for a relationship, which was communicated by the ever classy, phasing out. I knew I would get over it, but I didn’t know that a relationship that consisted of one and a half dates and a few months of being jerked around would take two years to get past; and in these two years, I would become what I like to call a (cue dark, ominous music here) a Bitter Betty.
I was literally too bitter for life. Forget smiling at people: all men were bad. All of them. Humanity, as it would seem, was going to pot, so we might as well all just become hermits. Any boy who approached me had an agenda: he was probably cheating on his girlfriend, he was inconsistent or, for some unknown reason, he was a Jerk-Wad Loser (JWL). It was not until my incredibly blunt sister pointed out to me that I was “kinda bitter”, that I realized what had happened. I realized why I panicked every time I did something wrong and why I was obsessed with being perfect and petrified of making a mistake. I didn’t think I was good enough for Mr. X or for anyone. He left me because there was something wrong with me, and I had been feeding my soul this message for the past two years. The once confident, bubbly Zoyah was now sad, unfulfilled and feeling incredibly inadequate.
So what changed? Well, it was sort of like a “snap out of it!” type of reaction. I looked at myself and realized that the thoughts going through my head weren't true at all. I wasn’t the one with the problem. But this was not sufficient - what was most impactful about the whole experience was realizing how much I had learned about myself by going through it. Sure, it sucked at the time – no one likes to be rejected – but as an African Proverb states, “smooth seas do not make skillful sailors”. I learned five fundamental truths about myself and reversed the too bitter train:
1. I am awesome: no ifs, ands or buts about it! Whenever that shadowy, doubtful feeling comes over me now, I tell myself: you are awesome. Tell yourself whatever you need to hear to get yourself out of that moment: I have great hair, I am super smart, I have a butt that won’t quit! Whatever. Just praise yourself, and praise yourself often. Soon enough, you’ll start to believe it!
2. I am not a cheap rug, I am a human being: so stop walking all over me! Whether it was Mr. X dictating the progression of the relationship, your parents or your peers, it is never okay not to have a say in your own welfare and well-being. So tell your Mr. X where he can stick it if he’s trying to manipulate you. It’s not fair to be manipulated, and it sure as heck isn’t fun: you deserve better.
3. If you don’t respect yourself, no one is going to respect you. I am a big believer in the “you have to teach people how to treat you” rule. Mr. X was a huge fan of calling when it was convenient for him: which turned out to be at midnight or later. For an early riser like me, this was annoying. But I didn’t say anything. So how was Mr. X supposed to know how much I hated being woken up in the middle of the night if whenever I answered the phone, I would say “no it’s okay! I can talk!”. Be honest with others, but mostly with yourself.
4. Bearing grudges is a waste of time and energy: and I don’t like waste. Let’s not lie: things are not always going to be dandy, ok? Not all exes can be friends with one another; in fact, most can’t. Your heart will always skip a beat when you see your Mr. X and you’ll probably get jealous when you see him with his new beau. But remember, holding a grudge won’t get you anywhere! I heard a line from “Eat, Pray, Love” that I never forgot. When you think of your Mr. X in a good light or a not so good light, just “send him love and light, and then drop it!”. Plus, the best revenge seems to be moving on. Just because we’re sending love and light does not mean that we can’t enjoy a little one-upmanship!
5. Not everyone is a JWL! Really, it’s true! So smile at people. Be your beautiful self. You never know where you’re going to find your person: it could be at the coffee shop, at church, volunteering or at the bus stop! I like to believe that people are inherently good: I haven’t come across too many really bad seeds in my life. Maybe a few confused seeds who couldn’t seem to tell heads from tails (*cough* Mr. X *cough*), but not really many bad seeds. Give people a chance: after all, you’d love for them to give you one!
Not everything is always sunshine and daisies, but it’s not dark and twisty all the time either. So do yourself a favour, and gain a positive outlook. Not for Mr. X, not for Joe Schmo down the street, not for your mother, but for yourself.
--Zoyah is a fourth year biology student with a penchant for baking and the gift of gab. She can’t make a decision to save her life, and loves to laugh. In her spare time she enjoys ordering overly complicated drinks at Starbucks, doing impressions, forgetting her keys everywhere and trying to explain her research to anyone who will listen.
For those of you who know me, you know that I’m a glass-half-full type of gal; oftentimes, the glass isn’t even half-full, so much as overflowing. So I’m an optimist: so what? I’m not delusional; I just think it’s more fun to go through life with a smile on your face! After all, it does take more muscles to frown than to smile, so why not conserve energy? So then, what’s with the title of this post? How could I, the self-proclaimed Ms. Sunshine and Rainbows be too bitter?
Circumstances have a huge impact on your behaviour. I know, I know: I’m the first to admit that it’s not the circumstances, so much as how you choose to deal with them. And for a control-freak like me, it’s hard when you can’t control how others act. I know, I know, I know. On the other hand, sometimes circumstances or situations can grab hold of you, exhibit some sort of power over you, and even change you – maybe not forever, but for a long while.
How cliché: I’m going to talk about my first love. But it gets better, I swear, so bear with me through some of the gory details. Like all “first loves”, we seemed to instantly click. It was one of those, “Oh my God! You hate emptying the dishwasher, too?”, situations. Now I know that anyone that has been around longer than 22 years will tell me: you were not in love. But indulge me for a second: I think I was. I fell hard and fast. I don’t have another frame of reference so there’s no telling, yet.
But things went bad, very quickly. Mr. X was clearly not ready for a relationship, which was communicated by the ever classy, phasing out. I knew I would get over it, but I didn’t know that a relationship that consisted of one and a half dates and a few months of being jerked around would take two years to get past; and in these two years, I would become what I like to call a (cue dark, ominous music here) a Bitter Betty.
I was literally too bitter for life. Forget smiling at people: all men were bad. All of them. Humanity, as it would seem, was going to pot, so we might as well all just become hermits. Any boy who approached me had an agenda: he was probably cheating on his girlfriend, he was inconsistent or, for some unknown reason, he was a Jerk-Wad Loser (JWL). It was not until my incredibly blunt sister pointed out to me that I was “kinda bitter”, that I realized what had happened. I realized why I panicked every time I did something wrong and why I was obsessed with being perfect and petrified of making a mistake. I didn’t think I was good enough for Mr. X or for anyone. He left me because there was something wrong with me, and I had been feeding my soul this message for the past two years. The once confident, bubbly Zoyah was now sad, unfulfilled and feeling incredibly inadequate.
So what changed? Well, it was sort of like a “snap out of it!” type of reaction. I looked at myself and realized that the thoughts going through my head weren't true at all. I wasn’t the one with the problem. But this was not sufficient - what was most impactful about the whole experience was realizing how much I had learned about myself by going through it. Sure, it sucked at the time – no one likes to be rejected – but as an African Proverb states, “smooth seas do not make skillful sailors”. I learned five fundamental truths about myself and reversed the too bitter train:
1. I am awesome: no ifs, ands or buts about it! Whenever that shadowy, doubtful feeling comes over me now, I tell myself: you are awesome. Tell yourself whatever you need to hear to get yourself out of that moment: I have great hair, I am super smart, I have a butt that won’t quit! Whatever. Just praise yourself, and praise yourself often. Soon enough, you’ll start to believe it!
2. I am not a cheap rug, I am a human being: so stop walking all over me! Whether it was Mr. X dictating the progression of the relationship, your parents or your peers, it is never okay not to have a say in your own welfare and well-being. So tell your Mr. X where he can stick it if he’s trying to manipulate you. It’s not fair to be manipulated, and it sure as heck isn’t fun: you deserve better.
3. If you don’t respect yourself, no one is going to respect you. I am a big believer in the “you have to teach people how to treat you” rule. Mr. X was a huge fan of calling when it was convenient for him: which turned out to be at midnight or later. For an early riser like me, this was annoying. But I didn’t say anything. So how was Mr. X supposed to know how much I hated being woken up in the middle of the night if whenever I answered the phone, I would say “no it’s okay! I can talk!”. Be honest with others, but mostly with yourself.
4. Bearing grudges is a waste of time and energy: and I don’t like waste. Let’s not lie: things are not always going to be dandy, ok? Not all exes can be friends with one another; in fact, most can’t. Your heart will always skip a beat when you see your Mr. X and you’ll probably get jealous when you see him with his new beau. But remember, holding a grudge won’t get you anywhere! I heard a line from “Eat, Pray, Love” that I never forgot. When you think of your Mr. X in a good light or a not so good light, just “send him love and light, and then drop it!”. Plus, the best revenge seems to be moving on. Just because we’re sending love and light does not mean that we can’t enjoy a little one-upmanship!
5. Not everyone is a JWL! Really, it’s true! So smile at people. Be your beautiful self. You never know where you’re going to find your person: it could be at the coffee shop, at church, volunteering or at the bus stop! I like to believe that people are inherently good: I haven’t come across too many really bad seeds in my life. Maybe a few confused seeds who couldn’t seem to tell heads from tails (*cough* Mr. X *cough*), but not really many bad seeds. Give people a chance: after all, you’d love for them to give you one!
Not everything is always sunshine and daisies, but it’s not dark and twisty all the time either. So do yourself a favour, and gain a positive outlook. Not for Mr. X, not for Joe Schmo down the street, not for your mother, but for yourself.
--Zoyah is a fourth year biology student with a penchant for baking and the gift of gab. She can’t make a decision to save her life, and loves to laugh. In her spare time she enjoys ordering overly complicated drinks at Starbucks, doing impressions, forgetting her keys everywhere and trying to explain her research to anyone who will listen.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Looking Back on the AuGuest Extravaganza
I sit here on the morning of September 1, periodically singing Neil Diamond's "September Morn" as I am wont to do on this morning every year. In addition to that silliness, I am also looking back over a highly successful experiment here at Too XYZ: The AuGuest Extravaganza.
Over the last 30 days, six of my fellow bloggers/friends have taken the time out of their own busy schedules to contribute thoughts and writings to this blog of mine. They were asked to do so because over the year or so that I have been following most of them, they have shared ideas, goals, and visions of the world that made them stand out from the status quo. Depending on your own viewpoints, what they say and do may or may not be Earth shattering, but it is certainly not beholden to the conventional expectations that many would place on them. On all of us.
Whether they used the terminology or not, these six have indeed lived up to the idea of being Too XYZ to conform to the arbitrary norms of their environments. Not just because they think it would be fun to tell the world to "shove it", but because who and what they are simply doesn't allow them to vanish quietly into a flock. Different jobs, goals, religions, and geographical areas separate them, but they resemble each other, and myself, in their level of self acceptance. (And also their writing talents!)
When I first started Too XYZ, I did so in order to more openly express my outlier status in regards to so many common traits found in the multitudes. And unlike most of my AuGuests, I sometimes do have the partial goal of telling the status quo "up yours". But having these six guests write for this blog last month reinforced the notion that though any given issue may be viewed differently amongst the non-conformists of the world, I am not alone in my resistence to conforming. At least the idea of refusing to conform on everything. I knew it before, but having these guest posts makes that knowledge more personally satisfying.
I didn't edit any of the posts in any way, (except to change some of Mehnaz's Canadian spellings to keep my spellchecker at bay.) That is because I was dedicated not to creating a specific style to fit my blog, but to freely share my space in a totally unrestricted way. So that these guests could be exactly what they wanted to be when they posted here. That is what I and this blog are all about, and I am proud to have been able to provide an extra venue for these bloggers. They have encouraged me to seek out even more people that are also Too XYZ for bullshit. And they showed that having guest posts is a mostly painless experience. It will happen again.
Bringing my ideas, and sometimes even my feelings into the realm of other people's consciousness, and making them think, if only for a moment, in a different way. I hope I have done that, with both my posts, and with allowing the AuGuest posts last month. I can assure you, each of them has managed to make me think a bit differently myself.
And so here's to the AuGuests of 2010, my first six guest posters ever:
-Brianne Villano, of Living Out Loud
-Jen Gresham of Everyday Bright
-Mehnaz Thawer of Speak Softly and Carry and Red Pen
-Jamie Nacht Farrell of BizRelationships
-J. Maureen Henderson of GenerationMeh
-Laryssa Wirstiuk of Comma 'n Sentence
All of these people emphasize the importance of doing it your own way. Or at least doing something in this world your own way, even if that be just thinking and expressing. If you too value these characteristics, read not only their posts here on my blog from last month, but also each of their own blogs. I promise you, if I am NOT Too XYZ to get something out of them, (and I'm not), neither are you.
Over the last 30 days, six of my fellow bloggers/friends have taken the time out of their own busy schedules to contribute thoughts and writings to this blog of mine. They were asked to do so because over the year or so that I have been following most of them, they have shared ideas, goals, and visions of the world that made them stand out from the status quo. Depending on your own viewpoints, what they say and do may or may not be Earth shattering, but it is certainly not beholden to the conventional expectations that many would place on them. On all of us.
Whether they used the terminology or not, these six have indeed lived up to the idea of being Too XYZ to conform to the arbitrary norms of their environments. Not just because they think it would be fun to tell the world to "shove it", but because who and what they are simply doesn't allow them to vanish quietly into a flock. Different jobs, goals, religions, and geographical areas separate them, but they resemble each other, and myself, in their level of self acceptance. (And also their writing talents!)
When I first started Too XYZ, I did so in order to more openly express my outlier status in regards to so many common traits found in the multitudes. And unlike most of my AuGuests, I sometimes do have the partial goal of telling the status quo "up yours". But having these six guests write for this blog last month reinforced the notion that though any given issue may be viewed differently amongst the non-conformists of the world, I am not alone in my resistence to conforming. At least the idea of refusing to conform on everything. I knew it before, but having these guest posts makes that knowledge more personally satisfying.
I didn't edit any of the posts in any way, (except to change some of Mehnaz's Canadian spellings to keep my spellchecker at bay.) That is because I was dedicated not to creating a specific style to fit my blog, but to freely share my space in a totally unrestricted way. So that these guests could be exactly what they wanted to be when they posted here. That is what I and this blog are all about, and I am proud to have been able to provide an extra venue for these bloggers. They have encouraged me to seek out even more people that are also Too XYZ for bullshit. And they showed that having guest posts is a mostly painless experience. It will happen again.
Bringing my ideas, and sometimes even my feelings into the realm of other people's consciousness, and making them think, if only for a moment, in a different way. I hope I have done that, with both my posts, and with allowing the AuGuest posts last month. I can assure you, each of them has managed to make me think a bit differently myself.
And so here's to the AuGuests of 2010, my first six guest posters ever:
-Brianne Villano, of Living Out Loud
-Jen Gresham of Everyday Bright
-Mehnaz Thawer of Speak Softly and Carry and Red Pen
-Jamie Nacht Farrell of BizRelationships
-J. Maureen Henderson of GenerationMeh
-Laryssa Wirstiuk of Comma 'n Sentence
All of these people emphasize the importance of doing it your own way. Or at least doing something in this world your own way, even if that be just thinking and expressing. If you too value these characteristics, read not only their posts here on my blog from last month, but also each of their own blogs. I promise you, if I am NOT Too XYZ to get something out of them, (and I'm not), neither are you.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Be Interesting, But Allow Others to Be So Too: By Laryssa Wirstiuk
I like to listen to stories. If you can tell me a captivating story, I will probably want to be your friend. However, listening for long periods of time can be exhausting.
Very few people understand the art of conversation. Have you ever felt completely drained by a chatty, self-absorbed storyteller? These people don’t know how to ask questions - they just know how to talk.
I also love to tell stories, but I'm better at sharing with people who make me feel comfortable or seem genuinely interested in what I have to say.
Otherwise, I don't open up easily. If my companion is dominating the “conversation”, I shy away. Trying to fight for speaking rights is almost as tiring as having to listen to a non-stop talker, and it’s seldom worth the effort.
So, how can you and I have better conversations? Find a reason to be genuinely interested in the other person, even if you don't think you share anything in common.
If you dig deeply enough, you can find something interesting about anyone. Make discovering another person a game you play with yourself. Dig until you find something interesting, and you will ultimately gain more respect for the other person.
Take turns. Keep track of how long you have been talking. Limit yourself to your most compelling stories. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself - if I were the other person, would I really want to hear this story? Pick and choose what you share. If you share only the best stories, the other person will most likely find you more interesting and ask you questions too.
Ask follow-up questions. If you struggle with this, pretend you’re a journalist for the New York Times who has been assigned a very important story. You want to impress your editors. What questions can you ask your subject to extract the most interesting information?
Try to avoid hot-button issues like politics and religion, unless you're prepared for conflict. Sure, these topics can ignite a stale conversation, but you should be ready to face the consequences.
Please, for my sake and for everyone's sake: be self aware. We all want to share, to feel like our presence is acknowledged. If you do catch yourself talking excessively about yourself, make a joke about it.
Laryssa Wirstiuk is a writer and teacher in New Jersey. Her recently revamped blog is Comma 'n Sentence.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Don't Be a Hater, By Jamie Nacht Farrell
I love being cynical. I think it adds flavor to situations, conversations, and when stuck in a boring meeting - makes me laugh. What I've realized is that there is an art form to being cynical so that you can 'get away' with witty sarcasm without coming off as someone who's constantly negative.
Negativity, on its own, is wasted breathe. Sure, there is value in 'venting' once in a while - at least psychologists claim there is, but being a negative person not only brings you down, but everyone else around you. Well timed cynicism, on the other hand, can prove to spice up conversations - but in order to be seen and recognized as a humorous 'cynic', one must have other traits about them that will allow them to get away with this type of satire. Nobody likes a plain old "hater".
Have you ever asked yourself if you're a "positive" person? Probably not. I hadn't until someone recently told me I was a "positive" person. I actually looked at the individual and said, "No, I'm actually a bitch". The response I received was as follows: "You may be a bitch, but you're a funny bitch so you can get away with it. You have an infectious personality, so when you're 'on' and motivated, everyone around you feels the same way. That's why you get away with the snide, bitchy comments".
I'm still unsure whether that was an insult, a compliment, or a back handed compliment, but regardless - it made sense to me. Looking back on my day, there are two things that I always keep in focus: 1) Treat EVERYONE in your life as if they're you're most important client 2) Listen to all views and try not to judge.
Now, item 1 is really just saying, "be nice to people because everyone is important". In managing 100s of people as well as in numerous relationships / friendships, it is clear that if you make people feel important, they will respond to you. On item 2, I strongly believe being open minded allows you to learn and grow - even though you may not always agree with what people are saying.
By making the two items above my 'philosophy', I'm still a cynical bitch at times, but people see me as a "positive person". It's an interesting paradox.
Jamie is a Marketing professional and the author of Bizrelationships, a blog about her views and goals in the worlds of business as well as education.
Jamie is a Marketing professional and the author of Bizrelationships, a blog about her views and goals in the worlds of business as well as education.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Mets, Shelter Dogs, and Orphaned Possibilities, By Brianne Villano
The struggle to break free from societal norms is a great one. As a child, you are brought up in such a way that the rules of the house you are raised in become law. You’re taught what to believe, what to study, how to act, what to want; the list is endless.
But what if you had the opportunity to shatter previously assumed notions of what your life is supposed to be like? My friend Ty plays a part in that equation by using his blog as a platform to discuss ways in which he uses his own personalized skill set to break away from what’s perceived as ”normal,” so I have decided to share something that’s close to my heart for my “Auguest” post on Ty’s blog, TooXYZ.
I’m a Mets fan. Ok, that’s not what I wanted to share, but it’s all a part of the set-up so bear with me.
By stating that I’m a Mets fan I’m letting you know that I am loyal to people not because they may be the top players in their field, but because of their love of the game and the potential they have. “Potential” has many meanings but the one I focus on is unfulfilled possibility.
Mets games are like giant family reunions: everyone is glad to see you and the event is just a catalyst for the interpersonal interaction. The best part about the games are not the sport itself (some sports fans may disagree with me), but the communication and feelings that arise during the course of the game.
I’m also a Mom to a shelter dog. Shelter dogs exude unfulfilled possibilities. They are filled with anxiety and fear and often have behavioral issues that stem back to their own infancy, but if you’ve ever looked into the eyes of that dog, you can see the beautiful soul that lives inside and yearns to break free.
These animals may never have been shown affection or love. They may not know what it feels like to belong to another living creature. The unfulfilled possibility that exists in a shelter dog to become part of your life and part of your family, however, is very real. That small possibility, that spark that can turn their life of potential energy into one of kinetic energy, is what it’s all about for me.
Now onto the main event. I do not want to have children. Let me rephrase that to be clear. I do not want to give birth to children. There is unfulfilled possibility in each and every orphaned child in our country and abroad and each one of them deserves a catalyst.
I don’t pretend to lead the perfect life (not that such a generic thing exists), nor do I pretend to be a savior for people and animals deemed “broken.”
I do, however, know that I would always show them an open mind, an open heart, and open arms so that they may someday realize their potential and turn around to pay it forward.
As a scientist, you might think I’d want to preserve my DNA in a future generation and carry on my family’s line. Instead, I think the line of thinking that I’d like to instill in future generations is more important than the DNA behind it.
In reality, I believe the planet is just a tad overpopulated and if we would institute recycling in its most basic, yet complex, form, we would all benefit from the connections we could forge to one another and the message we could send to future generations.
Is that too TooXYZ? Am I an anomaly? I’ll let you be the judge of that.
Brianne Villano writes and publishes Living Out Loud. She can be followed on Twitter @Brianne Villano.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Announcing "AuGuest"
After about five months of what I would call moderately successful blog posting here at Too XYZ, the time has come for me to allow some guest posts for the very first time. And to kick off that part of this blogs evolution if you will, I will be presenting several guest posts throughout the upcoming month of August. An event that I am calling AuGuest. (Enjoy the quasi-pun while you can; I almost never use them.)
As you can probably deduce, each post and guest poster will share one thing in common at least; that being that they are their writings have struck me as also being Too XYZ. That is to say, the ways they think, work, perceive the world, blog, date, whatever, are (for reasons that can't quite be quantified) a bit removed from the norm. Not congruent with convention. A bit of a square peg. You know, like most of what I post here myself.
Other than that, expect virtually anything from the guest posts. I am not editing them for length, or content. The whole point of Too XYZ and of allowing guest posts on same, is to embrace one's unique voice without conforming or shoehorning it into something else. I have given basically carte blanche to the people I have invited to guest post here in August. I would have it no other way.
Those of you on Brazen Careerist will recognize many of the faces I have invited to write for me this coming month. And while not every single entry this month will be a guest post, I do still have some room for a few more slots. So if you think you too may be Too XYZ about something, (read my previous posts to get an idea of just how that works) and think you might be interested in guest posting here, feel free to contact me at tythewriter@gmx.com, and we'll talk about it.
This is exciting for me, and I hope for regular readers of Too XYZ as well. Let's see where AuGuest leads, shall we?
As you can probably deduce, each post and guest poster will share one thing in common at least; that being that they are their writings have struck me as also being Too XYZ. That is to say, the ways they think, work, perceive the world, blog, date, whatever, are (for reasons that can't quite be quantified) a bit removed from the norm. Not congruent with convention. A bit of a square peg. You know, like most of what I post here myself.
Other than that, expect virtually anything from the guest posts. I am not editing them for length, or content. The whole point of Too XYZ and of allowing guest posts on same, is to embrace one's unique voice without conforming or shoehorning it into something else. I have given basically carte blanche to the people I have invited to guest post here in August. I would have it no other way.
Those of you on Brazen Careerist will recognize many of the faces I have invited to write for me this coming month. And while not every single entry this month will be a guest post, I do still have some room for a few more slots. So if you think you too may be Too XYZ about something, (read my previous posts to get an idea of just how that works) and think you might be interested in guest posting here, feel free to contact me at tythewriter@gmx.com, and we'll talk about it.
This is exciting for me, and I hope for regular readers of Too XYZ as well. Let's see where AuGuest leads, shall we?
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