AuGuest: My Response to Zoyah

On Monday, Zoyah started off AuGuest 2011 with her thoughts on bitterness and how to overcome same. Read that post first, if you haven't already.

I admire the post, because I see the value in the advice. No logical argument can be made against the notion of avoiding extended bitterness, and for choosing instead to be, as she describes herself, a "glass half-full" type.

Yet like so many things that one can acknowledge as proper but can't always initiate, I admit to sometimes having a hard time being the person Zoyah suggests in her piece.

It is important for me to point out that sitting here now I am far, far closer to the worthy ideal that she writes about than I was, say five years ago. Hell, even one year ago. That is because I do see the "Zoyah Standard" if you will, as something to which I, and others should aspire at times. It is a slow climb for people like me, and while when I look up I see much climbing left to do to get to that peak, if I look down I can also see how far I have come. That is because I hold several, even if not all, of Zoyah's tenants as a beacon of sorts.

To put it another way, it is a much longer journey for me than it is for Zoyah. For her, and others like her, the philosophy is like a GPS in the car. Turn by turn directions for how to live better on the day. For me, such advice is like the North Star. A guide to be sure, but distant. Slow, deliberate celestial navigation towards larger, less specific areas of the globe.

Who can say why I am Too XYZ for the faster approach? I suppose we are all just built differently. I know that many will say that it is just a matter of choice whether or not we are happy. (Though I think Zoyah stops just short of this blanket statement.) For many it is easy. For me it is easiER than it was say in college, or high school or two summers ago, but that is only because years and years of work and introspection led to it. To be frank, sheer numbness to the blows inflicted upon me have also contributed to my feeling less bitterness. (Though I would wonder if that is a healthy way to not be bitter...)

Her post covered many things, and I don't think I could, or need to respond to each of them. But one sectipn stands out and in my view is the bulls-eye of why it is so hard for some people to do what she does. Zoyah wrote:

"Circumstances have a huge impact on your behavior...sometimes circumstances or situations can grab hold of you, exhibit some sort of power over you, and even change you - maybe not forever but for a long while."


This I think is the crux of it for people like me.

Zoyah shared her story about her bitterness in the wake of her "first love" not working out. She goes on to describe how unpleasant she felt and acted to the world until her sister snapped her out of by pointing out her bitterness. I have been bitter, and in some places am still bitter, due to certain circumstances grabbing a hold of me. Those circumstances are different for each person, and I don't want to enter sad-sack autobiography mode in this post. But suffice to say that a succession of things grabbed a hold of me. Before I had a chance to snap out, or even just crawl out of the bitterness of one, another would clamp down. And then another. Until bitter numbness, (as opposed to the being numb to bitterness that I described earlier) began to set it.

Like memory foam, certain parts of my consciousness have been squeezed into a certain shape for so long by so many different hands that it has taken quite a while for my psychology to regain its proper, pre-onslaught shape. Parts of it are still recovering. A few parts have actually been torn off of the pillow and cannot be replaced even once everything springs back.

Thank the Divinities that I am not still in as bad a shape as I used to be. That I am not as angry as I once was. Yet I still envy Zoyah's situation in multiple ways.

She seems to still have the ability to choose on the moment to see the half-full glass. Like anyone she can get bitter, but has the power to choose to override it most of the time. I do not, but I envy the ability.

I envy that her default state is optimism. When that is your default setting, my guess is that you can return to it with more gusto when the time comes. My default state is usually, "Prove it." So even when I am beat down, and attain full recovery, the best I can usually hope for right now is a return to the normal levels of skepticism about humanity. I am not ashamed of my default, it is what I am. But I sometimes wish it were a little less of what I am.

Envy for Zoyah also creeps in when it comes to the wake up call she received from her sister. (Whom I also know, by the way.) I know that Zoyah and her sister are quite close, and while I am close with some of my sisters and distant from some, my siblings and I generally do not have the, "snap out of it" sort of dynamic with one another. The whole family is full of quasi-introspective and sometimes brooding, independent introverts. We don't usually say things like that to one another. It's just the way it is. I don't wish away my family, but if my family doesn't have anybody that could cut right to the quick of my bitterness and make me see the need to course correct, I wish I would have had somebody somewhere who could have.

Then again, that may be impossible given how quickly and deeply bitterness has at times in my life, overcome me. Plus, at the time I don't usually call it bitterness. One man's bitterness is another man's "justifiable disgust". In the vast majority of cases, I have, and to be frank still do feel justified in how pissed I have been at certain situations and people. Maybe one day I won't be, but for now...

We need people like Zoyah, no doubt. And while I am not ashamed of what I am, and do think that something fundamental about Ty Unglebower would be lost if he were suddenly to become a full time optimist, I cannot help but think my battle would be a bit more endurable at times if I were able to make Zoyah-type choices every day.

But at least I have the North Star.

AuGuest Post: Too Bitter, by Zoyah Thawer

Not everyone is a jerk-wad loser!


For those of you who know me, you know that I’m a glass-half-full type of gal; oftentimes, the glass isn’t even half-full, so much as overflowing.  So I’m an optimist: so what?  I’m not delusional; I just think it’s more fun to go through life with a smile on your face!  After all, it does take more muscles to frown than to smile, so why not conserve energy? So then, what’s with the title of this post? How could I, the self-proclaimed Ms. Sunshine and Rainbows be too bitter? 


Circumstances have a huge impact on your behaviour.  I know, I know: I’m the first to admit that it’s not the circumstances, so much as how you choose to deal with them.  And for a control-freak like me, it’s hard when you can’t control how others act.  I know, I know, I know.  On the other hand, sometimes circumstances or situations can grab hold of you, exhibit some sort of power over you, and even change you – maybe not forever, but for a long while.


How cliché: I’m going to talk about my first love.  But it gets better, I swear, so bear with me through some of the gory details.  Like all “first loves”, we seemed to instantly click.  It was one of those, “Oh my God! You hate emptying the dishwasher, too?”, situations.  Now I know that anyone that has been around longer than 22 years will tell me: you were not in love.  But indulge me for a second: I think I was. I fell hard and fast. I don’t have another frame of reference so there’s no telling, yet.


But things went bad, very quickly.  Mr. X was clearly not ready for a relationship, which was communicated by the ever classy, phasing out.  I knew I would get over it, but I didn’t know that a relationship that consisted of one and a half dates and a few months of being jerked around would take two years to get past; and in these two years, I would become what I like to call a (cue dark, ominous music here) a Bitter Betty.


I was literally too bitter for life.  Forget smiling at people: all men were bad.  All of them.  Humanity, as it would seem, was going to pot, so we might as well all just become hermits.  Any boy who approached me had an agenda: he was probably cheating on his girlfriend, he was inconsistent or, for some unknown reason, he was a Jerk-Wad Loser (JWL).  It was not until my incredibly blunt sister pointed out to me that I was “kinda bitter”, that I realized what had happened.  I realized why I panicked every time I did something wrong and why I was obsessed with being perfect and petrified of making a mistake. I didn’t think I was good enough for Mr. X or for anyone.  He left me because there was something wrong with me, and I had been feeding my soul this message for the past two years.  The once confident, bubbly Zoyah was now sad, unfulfilled and feeling incredibly inadequate. 


So what changed?  Well, it was sort of like a “snap out of it!” type of reaction.  I looked at myself and realized that the thoughts going through my head weren't true at all. I wasn’t the one with the problem. But this was not sufficient - what was most impactful about the whole experience was realizing how much I had learned about myself by going through it.  Sure, it sucked at the time – no one likes to be rejected – but as an African Proverb states, “smooth seas do not make skillful sailors”.  I learned five fundamental truths about myself and reversed the too bitter train:


1.       I am awesome: no ifs, ands or buts about it!  Whenever that shadowy, doubtful feeling comes over me now, I tell myself: you are awesome.  Tell yourself whatever you need to hear to get yourself out of that moment: I have great hair, I am super smart, I have a butt that won’t quit! Whatever.  Just praise yourself, and praise yourself often.  Soon enough, you’ll start to believe it!


2.       I am not a cheap rug, I am a human being: so stop walking all over me! Whether it was Mr. X dictating the progression of the relationship, your parents or your peers, it is never okay not to have a say in your own welfare and well-being.  So tell your Mr. X where he can stick it if he’s trying to manipulate you.  It’s not fair to be manipulated, and it sure as heck isn’t fun: you deserve better.


3.       If you don’t respect yourself, no one is going to respect you.  I am a big believer in the “you have to teach people how to treat you” rule.  Mr. X was a huge fan of calling when it was convenient for him: which turned out to be at midnight or later.  For an early riser like me, this was annoying.  But I didn’t say anything.  So how was Mr. X supposed to know how much I hated being woken up in the middle of the night if whenever I answered the phone, I would say “no it’s okay! I can talk!”.  Be honest with others, but mostly with yourself.


4.       Bearing grudges is a waste of time and energy: and I don’t like waste.  Let’s not lie: things are not always going to be dandy, ok?  Not all exes can be friends with one another; in fact, most can’t.  Your heart will always skip a beat when you see your Mr. X and you’ll probably get jealous when you see him with his new beau.  But remember, holding a grudge won’t get you anywhere!  I heard a line from “Eat, Pray, Love” that I never forgot.  When you think of your Mr. X in a good light or a not so good light, just “send him love and light, and then drop it!”.  Plus, the best revenge seems to be moving on.  Just because we’re sending love and light does not mean that we can’t enjoy a little one-upmanship!


5.       Not everyone is a JWL!  Really, it’s true!  So smile at people.  Be your beautiful self.  You never know where you’re going to find your person: it could be at the coffee shop, at church, volunteering or at the bus stop!  I like to believe that people are inherently good: I haven’t come across too many really bad seeds in my life.  Maybe a few confused seeds who couldn’t seem to tell heads from tails (*cough* Mr. X *cough*), but not really many bad seeds.  Give people a chance: after all, you’d love for them to give you one!


Not everything is always sunshine and daisies, but it’s not dark and twisty all the time either.  So do yourself a favour, and gain a positive outlook.  Not for Mr. X, not for Joe Schmo down the street, not for your mother, but for yourself. 


--Zoyah is a fourth year biology student with a penchant for baking and the gift of gab.  She can’t make a decision to save her life, and loves to laugh.  In her spare time she enjoys ordering overly complicated drinks at Starbucks, doing impressions, forgetting her keys everywhere and trying to explain her research to anyone who will listen.


  

Our Mental Tornadoes and Positive Thinking

For several hours this morning my county was hit with a rolling collection of severe storms, each of which had pretty good potential to produce a tornado. (And a few of them did.) That means we were under a "tornado warning" (one is imminent or been spotted) from 4:30AM until about 10:00AM. Nothing as bad as the one that hit Alabama over the last few days, but nonetheless we were all encouraged to seek shelter, or to at least be ready to do so on a moment's notice if we were in the path of this seemingly endless line of storms.

Meteorologists can at best predict when conditions will be favorable for tornadoes, but unless a funnel has actually touched down, they cannot ever be sure one will exist. And even once there is a funnel, there is little predictability to what the hell it is going to do. I hate the unpredictability of such storms.

It got me thinking that I hate unpredictability in obstacles in general. Nothing I go through mentally is as dangerous as people having to face a tornado of course, but the whole thing brought to mind something I have felt for a while. And that is how often career or personal success advice tends to ignore, or dismiss the unpredictable and the unstoppable.

When there is a tornado warning in your area, the first thing the authorities advise you to do is to take shelter. Do not drive, do not try to out run it, and do not stop to take picture or video of a fully formed funnel. Get to a basement or ditch or something and hit the dirt. In essence, the advice is to keep still, and wait (hope) for it to pass you by. And though you won't hear the people on the Weather Channel put it in this fashion, what they are all basically saying is, "You can't do a damn thing about it, so don't be a fool and act like you can."

We have tornado watches and tornado warnings mentally as well. Things that we know are on the horizon, or fear may be destructive, that we are powerless to stop, out run, or in some cases even define. We just know that the conditions in our lives are right for a specific problem. Or that the problem, like a night tornado, is out there somewhere, unseen, but tearing its way towards us. We can do nothing about it. Yet many people try to act as though we can.

Over selling the notion of "positive thinking", optimism, getting up in the morning ready to "tackle any problem" has long frustrated or even angered many a pessimist or realist. Because while the notion of being more upbeat and viewing our situations in a more positive light is certainly appealing and productive, we can't help but heed the tornado warning. Many positive thinking gurus out there tend to think that being optimistic entails defying the storm. In reality, in some cases optimism is simply being able and willing to jump into a ditch and hang on until it's all over. The potential risk is not worth the possible reward for the realist.

I don't doubt many out there will object to my conflation of weather to mental or spiritual obstacles. Yet why? If the issue is an unpredictable and virtually non-trackable obstacle that stands in our way of success, one that moves and pivots seemingly at random and cuts in front of us no matter what we do, is a tornado not a fair metaphor? We is it so hard to believe that we can be trapped, paralyzed, or otherwise cornered by unpredictable and wily intangibles just as much as by a funnel cloud?

There are, in other words, things that we cannot explain, nor control that hold us back. And sometimes they hold us back so much that the best we can do is remain still. Sure a few foolish "heroes" will go out with their camera and their pick up trucks, follow the twister, and nearly get killed or maimed snapping the next shot that will feature on television. But in the end you have to wonder if such people are doing it in order to make themselves or people around them safer, or just so they can say, "hey tornado, I lived, so fuck you," and wait for the applause.

Pessimists are not the way they are because they think it is funny. They have their reasons. Yes it can be over done, and if you are jumping into a ditch in the middle of a sunny day, you probably need to chill. But the reasons for being a pessimist are usually valid on some level. Maybe they are not your reasons, and maybe you, as an eternal optimist have no storm activity you need to worry about with your clear skies and light breezes, but that doesn't mean there are not indications of funnel cloud activity in the lives of others.

But maybe, just maybe you are actually standing out at midnight in the middle of a field totally oblivious to any tornado warnings that have been issued, because you woke up this morning convinced that you can conquer anything. Maybe you need a realist to wake you up and say, "You dumb ass, go find a basement before you get killed."

My positive thinking has never stopped a storm beyond my control. Has yours? Photo courtesy of the NSSL.