I knew exactly what I was doing when I named this blog. I would say roughly 60% of the posts actually mention the phrase "Too XYZ" as it pertains to my potent yet undefined non-conventional make up, in the areas of spirituality, psychology, emotions, career, and, well, you get the idea. On and on. Even when the phrase itself is not used almost everything I have blogged here has in some way been moved by the spirit of my being Too XYZ, even if the phrase itself is absent from a post.
I am just as XYZ today as ever I was. In some ways perhaps more so even as in other ways it has lessened. And my hope was that by blogging about it, I would come to a great understanding of the exact nature of what makes my views and approach to the world so unique. The goal was to make this blog a place where others who also felt Too XYZ about things to come, discuss, share, and ask questions. I thought that in so doing we'd all be able to come to a few more conclusions than usual, when left to our own devices.
Despite some minimal success in attracting some high profile attention here and there, and a few posts of mine going ever so slightly viral for a short time, it hasn't worked out this way.
As a whole, this blog has not had even one tenth the readership I had hoped for. Nor has it spurned the conversations that I hoped it would. Again, I have endeavored to create something that simply, despite my best efforts, does not take flight, or catch fire, in this world. I'll admit it saddens and frustrates me, (despite some of my pieces on introversion getting some mild form of acclaim in very tiny circles online.) It would appear that I am even Too XYZ to make being Too XYZ successful.
The blog has failed to be highly successful by external metrics, as measured by the amount of readers, subscribers and comments, all of which would lead towards an exploration of my uniqueness and that of others. Not unrelated is this blog's general failure by internal metrics as well, as measured by the personal satisfaction of having had a positive impact on other people with similar view points, while coming to a greater understanding about my own.
My need remains, however, to define, (or perhaps I should say to at least understand, as I may never be able to define) those parts of me that can't be nailed down by the status quo and conventional wisdom. In its current form, this blog has not done that as often or as deeply as I would like. And while I am not shutting down this blog for the time being, I do hope to at some point have a new internet presence which may include aspects of what I try to do here, while also being about more. I'd mention more, but that is at least several months away, and I am not even sure how to go about doing it. (It takes hundreds of dollars I don't have, time I can't find, and help from other interested people that, like most of my projects in life, I seem unable to secure.) But when I know more, so will you.
Yet the broader message of this already-longer-than-it-should-be post is that I must begin to find other ways to define and explore what it is that makes me such a poor fit with the rest of...everything. And it is quite possibly everything. With the exception of writing and theatre,(and sometimes even they are not the exception) I don't fit into much of anything, and in most cases I don't mind that too much. I do after all explain this blog to people as "Observations of being a square peg in a world of round holes." Yet that lack of worldly success, understanding, and even lack of company from others on a similar frustrating journey can get old. After all, I'm an introvert that is Too XYZ, not an ascetic monk that needs only religion, or a hermit that needs only himself. (Despite accusations to the contrary.)
So, I will be focusing some more efforts in the coming time on the idea of finding out what exactly makes me tick. (Or what doesn't let me tick?) At least partially, as I don't think I will ever be 100% aware of what I am all about.
Now those that know me may observe that this has always been what I do. And you would be correct. To a certain extent, this search has been the trademark of my life, both online and offline. So what is different about it now? The best way I can answer that question is by mentioning my willingness, (perhaps by necessity) to explore aspects of myself that I have not put much interest in before, and furthermore do so with some methods in which I have chosen not to participate previously.
What aspects? By what methods? The truth is, I really don't have much of an idea myself at this time. I don't yet know how it will all take place. I'm not certain what exactly will go down. And I sure as hell don't know if it will even work. Often it doesn't. However, the failure of this blog to launch as envisioned, as well as other aspects of my life lately have brought the need for a different approach into a clearer focus in the last year.
I do have to say this isn't about the "get out of your comfort zone and take on the world" song and dance routine that Gen-Y and self help gurus like to spew forth constantly. I have said before and will say again now that all of that "Challenge yourself and be positive about life" secret to getting everything you want is fucking cow flop. At least it is when you are Too XYZ. (Or, let's be honest, too poor to afford most of the shit those type of people say you need to invest in.)
However it is about deciding that there comes a time when, no matter how much endurance you have to keep walking miles and miles and miles down the path, the path on which you find yourself is leading nowhere. It may good exercise. The path may have some nice scenery, and you will probably meet some nice people along the way if you walk for long enough. Yet you end up just walking. And walking. And it may start to look like rain...
And what of this blog? As I said, its days are most likely numbered in its current form. Yet for the time being, that number is a very large one, as I am nowhere near building anything else yet, and don't even know if I can. In the mean time, however, I don't know in what precise ways Too XYZ itself will change during this interregnum. I plan to blog just as often, and much of those posts will indeed be about the same things about which I have blogged over the last 18 months. (Introversion, for example.) Who knows, maybe to some people it won't appear to be that much different at all. Yet astute observers my see it as being less formal, less focused, more personal, and less constructed towards social media influence than it used to be.
The story however, is not this blog, in the end. The story is me, and in some ways that story is changing. Or, to use some writer's metaphors, a bit of the tone and direction of the story has to change, so I am probably going to have to go back to the outline and move some things around. Again, I don't know how just yet. But I suppose I, (and you, if you stick around) will soon find out.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, October 3, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Too XYZ Road Show
This weekend was a fun, rewarding, and in many ways an Un-Ty sort of weekend. Perhaps it was exciting because it was so Un-Ty like, and rewarding because it may have in some ways changed what it is to be "Ty-Like."
I am not an advocate of making specific efforts to "get out of your comfort zone". In fact the concept is so oversold online these days that I don't even like to use the term "get outside your comfort zone", but I use it for the sake of making a point.
And that point is you shouldn't be uncomfortable for the sake of being uncomfortable. While many people think doing so is the key to personal evolution, I say it's a mild form of martyrdom complex unless the discomfort is in service to a greater good. In my case, spending time with a friend and showing support for her on her birthday were the good things that far outweighed some of my discomforts.And in so doing, I became comfortable with more things. Hence, a legitimate "outside of your comfort zone" approach.
Here are some examples from this weekend of my being "Un-Ty" like in pursuit of something good.
Being a house guest.
I think I am a bit Too XYZ to be a house guest sometimes. During my stay at someone's house I always feel the need to help clean, or make food, or add a deck to the back of the house. Anything that makes me a full fledged and functional part of whatever household I am in at the time. Most hosts insist I don't worry about any of those things, and my friend was no exception. (Though she did let me squeeze the limes for lime juice she needed for something she was making.) I always feel I need to "earn" the right to be taking up space and consuming food in somebody's home if I am going to be there for more than a few hours. Yet once I just relaxed and reminded myself I was there to celebrate a person, and not be Mr. Belvedere, I was able to feel a little better.
Being a house guest II
I will usually opt to go home late into the night from someone's house instead of sleeping there unless 1) the weather becomes atrocious for driving (frequent around here), 2) I have had too much to drink (rare), or 3) I feel like an honorary member of the family whose home I find myself in. (Has yet to occur.)
This is not to say I have never spent the night in other people's homes of course, because I have, and did this weekend. There is just something in my brain, no matter how nice the accommodations are that says, at least for a while, This is not your home. Your radio is not tuned to this radio station, and sleep is impossible. Ergo, I sleep poorly. I'm okay in hotels, but other people's homes...I don't know. It's a subconscious thing. Even if I know them well.
I got over it this weekend, though. In fact I actually slept pretty good some of the time. Just had to remember I was there by invitation and that I was part of everything, not an invasion upon it. (Though getting up at on Friday at 6:00AM and going to bed at 6:00AM my second night probably helped me crash a bit too.)
Knowing the "Plan"
I am not a control freak. I don't need to control everything that happens around me. But I am sometimes a "knowledge freak". By that I mean that if I am not careful I can get caught up in having to know where I am going, at what time, and for how long. Yet this weekend there was very little of that. I decided I would go with whatever flow my friend created. This was her hometown, her birthday, her deal. And she had to go through enough hoops just to get my sorry ass there and home again because I don't drive long distances. (That much has not changed.) So I felt she was entitled to just go, and I would follow. And that is exactly what I did. I put aside any temptation I had understand everything, and just went with it.
I just did what she did. If she took this flight of steps that seemed to descend into the ancient catacombs, I would be right behind her. (Or try to be, I almost lost her in the shuffle a few times.) I didn't try to reason out the patterns and systems of streets and trains and tracks and so on. Just went.
That got easy after about three seconds. Just going. Abandoning a need to decipher the why and how came faster than I would have thought. Probably because everything moves so fast in situations like that. Plus I learned that if you just trust friends, they can lead you where you need to go. And you get to see and experience a lot on the way. I finally got to see some Non-Postcard New York, which I had never been to before, as well as the more real parts of Jersey City, and Hoboken.
Party!
And I mean party. No joke, it was the second biggest private party I ever attended. And the first place big party was full of friends. I knew exactly one person this weekend, so in a way it was bigger after all.
As I told my friend, I am usually a small informal soiree type, or an outdoor barbecue type. I have many friends in West Virginia who have such events many times throughout the year. A few people, beer, food, talking. Thrown together in a week. There you go. This weekend, I would say this party peaked at 50 people in an average sized apartment. A lot of drink, a lot of food. Not to mention a lot of work on the part of my hostess to put it all together. (Except for the limes. I did that part.) Music, dancing. Lots of shoulder to shoulder super party "epicness" as the kids say these days.
I had a good time, but in this case I was still Too XYZ to fully engage as most of the locals were doing. I am not the most introverted person I know, but I am indisputably on the spectrum. Which meant I spent much of the evening as an observer, in a chair at the food table. (This served two obvious purposes.) Several of the people I met that night wanted to know why I didn't move about, or dance more instead of sitting there watching.
It can be tricky to explain to people I don't know why I need to do this. In fact people who have known me for years still don't quite grasp it. But as an introvert I need to let certain experiences filter into my consciousness in a gradual fashion. There is just too much humanity in a party of that magnitude for someone like me to jump in headlong. Many people are electrified by that, which is great. For me however, exposure to it can be draining under the best of conditions.
It is for the same reason I had to step outside to be alone periodically. Not because I wasn't enjoying myself. Not because the extroverts and seasoned party goers offended me. I just needed to step away sometimes to recalibrate. And even though my friend was going about enjoying herself as she should have been on her birthday, and I didn't see much of her directly during the party portion of my trip, my presence was a way to honor her and thank her for being a friend of mine. Even when I had to get away for a while.
When we make it about someone else and not ourselves we can do all kinds of things we would not normally find ourselves doing, as I said before. It won't change our stripes, as evidenced by my reluctance to dance, or my choice to stop drinking after 1:00 that morning. Those are things about me that remain. But other people make it worth it. True, it's not like I could go home even if I decided to, since I hadn't driven there. But that is not at all the point. The point is I chose of my own free will to attend a party that was larger than I am used to because it wasn't about me. That made even the very Un-Ty atmosphere enjoyable for the most part.
Dancing
Flying totally into the face of what I just mentioned in the previous section, I did dance a bit. I have good rhythm, and back in school I used to dance at the dances a lot. So I am no stranger to it. But there is no way in hell I was going to be able to compete with either the stamina or abandon of some of the party guests. Yes, I realize that dancing at a party is about getting out there, and not about style or form or anything. But that is just the point. Being "out there" is not my strongest suit, and dancing is one of the most "out there" things a person can do in a room full of strangers. A room full of friends would be one thing, maybe, but I didn't know these people, so I was usually disinclined to dance.
But I did a little. It was easier to do when it was just about me dancing for a moment with a single other person who asked me to dance, as opposed to dancing all over the place as the others were. Also easier when I wanted to make sure people knew I didn't consider myself better than them in some way. That was important. You have to sometimes do as the Romans do, as the saying goes. Nothing wrong with that, even for someone that is Too XYZ. But I did sit more than I danced, and had to decline a few times later in the night. But I felt okay about it, because I had let myself wade in the pool, as it were.
Sharing Opinions
Is there anything more insufferable than someone you don't know walking up to you and offering their world perspective or opinions on what you have been discussing? No, "hello" or "My name is Jack." Just walking up to a group at a party and saying something like,
"Actually I find his movies to be so pretentious. He tries to be derivative of Fellini without being obvious about it, which makes it worse."
Okay, thanks for your input. And you are?
But in actual fact, this is more about me being Too XYZ, because I have found in many cases people welcome this. It blows me away sometimes how free people are with their opinions with strangers. More than once this weekend I observed the conversations that were going on around me, but didn't jump in with my own ideas. You see, except around my closest friends, I am built to hold my opinions until asked for them. Even then, I proceed with caution, because when I am the "new guy" as I was this weekend, I think it is my duty to pay attention and know what the conversation is, but not derail or or alter it in anyway. As a guest I feel I should be as unobtrusive on a pre-existing group of people as possible. So I rarely offer anything.
Yet several times this weekend I was asked by people I didn't know for my opinion on something. And I gave it. I still felt a bit like I was trying on somebody else's shoes, but I did it. And I realized that I need to be willing to do that, and in fact probably should have done more of it this weekend. So caught up in experiencing and observing and trying to not be obtrusive was I that I may have painted myself at times into a corner of nothingness to those around me.
My older friends know that I am seldom unaware or uninvolved in what is happening around me, even if I seem totally detached. They know that my ear is to the ground. But I should have remembered that not everyone is going to realize that at first, and that I run the risk of appearing bored, unconcerned or "holier-than thou" by not offering my thoughts on some things. At least minor ones. So I all too late learned that lesson from this weekend. But I did learn it. Or I should say, I was reminded of it, because I have had to learn this lesson more than once. Time for it to stick, I think. But that may be a Too XYZ thing as well. Time will reveal the answer to that one.
In all of these ways, and more, my being Too XYZ showed up this weekend. Sometimes it remained firmly in place, and I wasn't able to change something about myself, regardless. (Stepping outside during the party.) Sometimes I was surprised at how easy it was for me to set aside my more natural tendencies. (Not needing to understand everything that was about to happen.) Most of the time it was an equal blend. Knowing that I am not by default built a certain way, but being willing, for the sake of the people involved, to put in an effort to see and experience things differently than I am used to.
That in the end is the key to it all, isn't it? To know what your boundaries are, and accept what you cannot change about yourself, but at the same time showing a willingness to adapt, change and expand those aspects of you that are not embedded into your very DNA. Not "just because". Not for the sake of change. Not to jump out of your comfort zone because that is what the gurus tell you to do. But in pursuit of getting more out of life in a specific setting. In pursuit of a deeper, richer experience. In pursuit of a greater understanding of not just other people and the world around you, but of yourself. Nobody should be Too XYZ for that, and thanks to my friend, her friends, and a weekend in New Jersey I was reminded of that important truth. And it will stick with me.
And I tried falafel for the first time while I was there. It was good.
Do you go outside of your norms just for the sake of it, or with a purpose in mind? What sort of conditions make it worth it to step outside of your comfort zone? What is a recent example of you doing so for a greater good? How were you affected?
I am not an advocate of making specific efforts to "get out of your comfort zone". In fact the concept is so oversold online these days that I don't even like to use the term "get outside your comfort zone", but I use it for the sake of making a point.
And that point is you shouldn't be uncomfortable for the sake of being uncomfortable. While many people think doing so is the key to personal evolution, I say it's a mild form of martyrdom complex unless the discomfort is in service to a greater good. In my case, spending time with a friend and showing support for her on her birthday were the good things that far outweighed some of my discomforts.And in so doing, I became comfortable with more things. Hence, a legitimate "outside of your comfort zone" approach.
Here are some examples from this weekend of my being "Un-Ty" like in pursuit of something good.
Being a house guest.
I think I am a bit Too XYZ to be a house guest sometimes. During my stay at someone's house I always feel the need to help clean, or make food, or add a deck to the back of the house. Anything that makes me a full fledged and functional part of whatever household I am in at the time. Most hosts insist I don't worry about any of those things, and my friend was no exception. (Though she did let me squeeze the limes for lime juice she needed for something she was making.) I always feel I need to "earn" the right to be taking up space and consuming food in somebody's home if I am going to be there for more than a few hours. Yet once I just relaxed and reminded myself I was there to celebrate a person, and not be Mr. Belvedere, I was able to feel a little better.
Being a house guest II
I will usually opt to go home late into the night from someone's house instead of sleeping there unless 1) the weather becomes atrocious for driving (frequent around here), 2) I have had too much to drink (rare), or 3) I feel like an honorary member of the family whose home I find myself in. (Has yet to occur.)
This is not to say I have never spent the night in other people's homes of course, because I have, and did this weekend. There is just something in my brain, no matter how nice the accommodations are that says, at least for a while, This is not your home. Your radio is not tuned to this radio station, and sleep is impossible. Ergo, I sleep poorly. I'm okay in hotels, but other people's homes...I don't know. It's a subconscious thing. Even if I know them well.
I got over it this weekend, though. In fact I actually slept pretty good some of the time. Just had to remember I was there by invitation and that I was part of everything, not an invasion upon it. (Though getting up at on Friday at 6:00AM and going to bed at 6:00AM my second night probably helped me crash a bit too.)
Knowing the "Plan"
I am not a control freak. I don't need to control everything that happens around me. But I am sometimes a "knowledge freak". By that I mean that if I am not careful I can get caught up in having to know where I am going, at what time, and for how long. Yet this weekend there was very little of that. I decided I would go with whatever flow my friend created. This was her hometown, her birthday, her deal. And she had to go through enough hoops just to get my sorry ass there and home again because I don't drive long distances. (That much has not changed.) So I felt she was entitled to just go, and I would follow. And that is exactly what I did. I put aside any temptation I had understand everything, and just went with it.
I just did what she did. If she took this flight of steps that seemed to descend into the ancient catacombs, I would be right behind her. (Or try to be, I almost lost her in the shuffle a few times.) I didn't try to reason out the patterns and systems of streets and trains and tracks and so on. Just went.
That got easy after about three seconds. Just going. Abandoning a need to decipher the why and how came faster than I would have thought. Probably because everything moves so fast in situations like that. Plus I learned that if you just trust friends, they can lead you where you need to go. And you get to see and experience a lot on the way. I finally got to see some Non-Postcard New York, which I had never been to before, as well as the more real parts of Jersey City, and Hoboken.
Party!
And I mean party. No joke, it was the second biggest private party I ever attended. And the first place big party was full of friends. I knew exactly one person this weekend, so in a way it was bigger after all.
As I told my friend, I am usually a small informal soiree type, or an outdoor barbecue type. I have many friends in West Virginia who have such events many times throughout the year. A few people, beer, food, talking. Thrown together in a week. There you go. This weekend, I would say this party peaked at 50 people in an average sized apartment. A lot of drink, a lot of food. Not to mention a lot of work on the part of my hostess to put it all together. (Except for the limes. I did that part.) Music, dancing. Lots of shoulder to shoulder super party "epicness" as the kids say these days.
I had a good time, but in this case I was still Too XYZ to fully engage as most of the locals were doing. I am not the most introverted person I know, but I am indisputably on the spectrum. Which meant I spent much of the evening as an observer, in a chair at the food table. (This served two obvious purposes.) Several of the people I met that night wanted to know why I didn't move about, or dance more instead of sitting there watching.
It can be tricky to explain to people I don't know why I need to do this. In fact people who have known me for years still don't quite grasp it. But as an introvert I need to let certain experiences filter into my consciousness in a gradual fashion. There is just too much humanity in a party of that magnitude for someone like me to jump in headlong. Many people are electrified by that, which is great. For me however, exposure to it can be draining under the best of conditions.
It is for the same reason I had to step outside to be alone periodically. Not because I wasn't enjoying myself. Not because the extroverts and seasoned party goers offended me. I just needed to step away sometimes to recalibrate. And even though my friend was going about enjoying herself as she should have been on her birthday, and I didn't see much of her directly during the party portion of my trip, my presence was a way to honor her and thank her for being a friend of mine. Even when I had to get away for a while.
When we make it about someone else and not ourselves we can do all kinds of things we would not normally find ourselves doing, as I said before. It won't change our stripes, as evidenced by my reluctance to dance, or my choice to stop drinking after 1:00 that morning. Those are things about me that remain. But other people make it worth it. True, it's not like I could go home even if I decided to, since I hadn't driven there. But that is not at all the point. The point is I chose of my own free will to attend a party that was larger than I am used to because it wasn't about me. That made even the very Un-Ty atmosphere enjoyable for the most part.
Dancing
Flying totally into the face of what I just mentioned in the previous section, I did dance a bit. I have good rhythm, and back in school I used to dance at the dances a lot. So I am no stranger to it. But there is no way in hell I was going to be able to compete with either the stamina or abandon of some of the party guests. Yes, I realize that dancing at a party is about getting out there, and not about style or form or anything. But that is just the point. Being "out there" is not my strongest suit, and dancing is one of the most "out there" things a person can do in a room full of strangers. A room full of friends would be one thing, maybe, but I didn't know these people, so I was usually disinclined to dance.
But I did a little. It was easier to do when it was just about me dancing for a moment with a single other person who asked me to dance, as opposed to dancing all over the place as the others were. Also easier when I wanted to make sure people knew I didn't consider myself better than them in some way. That was important. You have to sometimes do as the Romans do, as the saying goes. Nothing wrong with that, even for someone that is Too XYZ. But I did sit more than I danced, and had to decline a few times later in the night. But I felt okay about it, because I had let myself wade in the pool, as it were.
Sharing Opinions
Is there anything more insufferable than someone you don't know walking up to you and offering their world perspective or opinions on what you have been discussing? No, "hello" or "My name is Jack." Just walking up to a group at a party and saying something like,
"Actually I find his movies to be so pretentious. He tries to be derivative of Fellini without being obvious about it, which makes it worse."
Okay, thanks for your input. And you are?
But in actual fact, this is more about me being Too XYZ, because I have found in many cases people welcome this. It blows me away sometimes how free people are with their opinions with strangers. More than once this weekend I observed the conversations that were going on around me, but didn't jump in with my own ideas. You see, except around my closest friends, I am built to hold my opinions until asked for them. Even then, I proceed with caution, because when I am the "new guy" as I was this weekend, I think it is my duty to pay attention and know what the conversation is, but not derail or or alter it in anyway. As a guest I feel I should be as unobtrusive on a pre-existing group of people as possible. So I rarely offer anything.
Yet several times this weekend I was asked by people I didn't know for my opinion on something. And I gave it. I still felt a bit like I was trying on somebody else's shoes, but I did it. And I realized that I need to be willing to do that, and in fact probably should have done more of it this weekend. So caught up in experiencing and observing and trying to not be obtrusive was I that I may have painted myself at times into a corner of nothingness to those around me.
My older friends know that I am seldom unaware or uninvolved in what is happening around me, even if I seem totally detached. They know that my ear is to the ground. But I should have remembered that not everyone is going to realize that at first, and that I run the risk of appearing bored, unconcerned or "holier-than thou" by not offering my thoughts on some things. At least minor ones. So I all too late learned that lesson from this weekend. But I did learn it. Or I should say, I was reminded of it, because I have had to learn this lesson more than once. Time for it to stick, I think. But that may be a Too XYZ thing as well. Time will reveal the answer to that one.
In all of these ways, and more, my being Too XYZ showed up this weekend. Sometimes it remained firmly in place, and I wasn't able to change something about myself, regardless. (Stepping outside during the party.) Sometimes I was surprised at how easy it was for me to set aside my more natural tendencies. (Not needing to understand everything that was about to happen.) Most of the time it was an equal blend. Knowing that I am not by default built a certain way, but being willing, for the sake of the people involved, to put in an effort to see and experience things differently than I am used to.
That in the end is the key to it all, isn't it? To know what your boundaries are, and accept what you cannot change about yourself, but at the same time showing a willingness to adapt, change and expand those aspects of you that are not embedded into your very DNA. Not "just because". Not for the sake of change. Not to jump out of your comfort zone because that is what the gurus tell you to do. But in pursuit of getting more out of life in a specific setting. In pursuit of a deeper, richer experience. In pursuit of a greater understanding of not just other people and the world around you, but of yourself. Nobody should be Too XYZ for that, and thanks to my friend, her friends, and a weekend in New Jersey I was reminded of that important truth. And it will stick with me.
And I tried falafel for the first time while I was there. It was good.
Do you go outside of your norms just for the sake of it, or with a purpose in mind? What sort of conditions make it worth it to step outside of your comfort zone? What is a recent example of you doing so for a greater good? How were you affected?
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Extreme Moderation and How to Avoid It
One of my good friends had a birthday this week. The following day on her Facebook status, she mentioned that there were so many baked goods laying around the house from the celebration, and that she was very tempted to have many of them. Her status ended with, "Moderation!"
I responded by saying that moderation was relative, and that if she considered the span of her entire life on Earth, and how the vast majority of that time she would not be eating cake, she could make the argument that having several today would not counteract her desire to be moderate.
This response received several "likes" from people, including the birthday girl herself. (Whether or not she actually had more of the baked goods that day, I don't know. I didn't ask.)
My response was a joke, but only partially. Because I have come to determine a very interesting, and perhaps mind-bending irony; everything should be pursued in moderation, including moderation itself.
What the hell am I talking about? It's not quite as bizarre as it sounds.
The entire point of adopting a moderate lifestyle, whether it be the "Nothing in Excess" model of the ancient Greeks, or The Middle Way of the Buddhists, is to avoid extremes. In thought, word, and deed.
But suppose one becomes ultra-committed to moderation? So preoccupied with the idea of falling right in the middle of every spectrum, that they obsess over it? Every drink they grab, every party they attend, every item they purchase, every lover they take, their first thought is, "is this extreme?" They are in a constant state of examining every thing they say, think, do, or own, to make sure it does not fall into any of the extremes of life. And should they feel tempted to, or heaven forbid actually engage in one of the extremes? Well, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but a good second place is how obsessive moderates treat themselves when they go off the wagon of something.
Doesn't all of that sound a bit, well, extreme?
So, as crazy as it sounds, we have to moderate our moderation, just as much as we moderate everything else.
If we moderate our alcohol intake, we don't get drunk and puke every time it is served. If we moderate our eating habits, we do not eat only kale 24/7. And if we moderate our moderation, what does that mean? It means that moderation is a standard we apply over the course of an entire lifetime, and not to every moment of every day.
To be "middle of the road moderates", we need to splurge. Sometimes. Break our diets. Get a little tipsy. Laugh too loud at the restaurant. By letting ourselves be somewhat extreme in any given circumstance, we maintain the value of moderation as a way of life in general.
Maintaining the balance is still a tricky endeavor for us. Both because it can be tempting to just say "to hell with it" and go nuts, but also because the middle of any spectrum isn't often easy to identify. But we get a step closer to clarity on such things, when we take a step away and don't crucify ourselves for our innocent moments of extremity.
Do you allow yourself to be extreme sometimes?
I responded by saying that moderation was relative, and that if she considered the span of her entire life on Earth, and how the vast majority of that time she would not be eating cake, she could make the argument that having several today would not counteract her desire to be moderate.
This response received several "likes" from people, including the birthday girl herself. (Whether or not she actually had more of the baked goods that day, I don't know. I didn't ask.)
My response was a joke, but only partially. Because I have come to determine a very interesting, and perhaps mind-bending irony; everything should be pursued in moderation, including moderation itself.
What the hell am I talking about? It's not quite as bizarre as it sounds.
The entire point of adopting a moderate lifestyle, whether it be the "Nothing in Excess" model of the ancient Greeks, or The Middle Way of the Buddhists, is to avoid extremes. In thought, word, and deed.
But suppose one becomes ultra-committed to moderation? So preoccupied with the idea of falling right in the middle of every spectrum, that they obsess over it? Every drink they grab, every party they attend, every item they purchase, every lover they take, their first thought is, "is this extreme?" They are in a constant state of examining every thing they say, think, do, or own, to make sure it does not fall into any of the extremes of life. And should they feel tempted to, or heaven forbid actually engage in one of the extremes? Well, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but a good second place is how obsessive moderates treat themselves when they go off the wagon of something.
Doesn't all of that sound a bit, well, extreme?
So, as crazy as it sounds, we have to moderate our moderation, just as much as we moderate everything else.
If we moderate our alcohol intake, we don't get drunk and puke every time it is served. If we moderate our eating habits, we do not eat only kale 24/7. And if we moderate our moderation, what does that mean? It means that moderation is a standard we apply over the course of an entire lifetime, and not to every moment of every day.
To be "middle of the road moderates", we need to splurge. Sometimes. Break our diets. Get a little tipsy. Laugh too loud at the restaurant. By letting ourselves be somewhat extreme in any given circumstance, we maintain the value of moderation as a way of life in general.
Maintaining the balance is still a tricky endeavor for us. Both because it can be tempting to just say "to hell with it" and go nuts, but also because the middle of any spectrum isn't often easy to identify. But we get a step closer to clarity on such things, when we take a step away and don't crucify ourselves for our innocent moments of extremity.
Do you allow yourself to be extreme sometimes?
Friday, January 28, 2011
10 Common Online Assessments Applied Offline
What if the metrics used online to determine the value of a person were applied to our offline interactions and relationships? The following assessments would not be uncommon:
-A natural brunette who opts to dye her hair blond, and feels comfortable walking along the beach in a bikini will not fit into our corporate culture, because she is clearly a slut.
Sound ridiculous? That's because they are. Until of course people sign onto the internet.
-A natural brunette who opts to dye her hair blond, and feels comfortable walking along the beach in a bikini will not fit into our corporate culture, because she is clearly a slut.
-The man we see writing things into a notebook in the public library will not allow me to read over his shoulder. He must have something to hide, or else why wouldn't he be showing me what he has written? What is he hiding? He should have no expectation of personal privacy if he is going to sit down in a public library and write.
-After scouring every local newspaper, watching every local television news broadcast, and listening to every local radio station for over a week, I have not heard this applicant's name come up a single time, anywhere. I won't investigate him further, because if he had any talent, motivation, or value to offer, his name would be all over the place. Why would we want a nobody like that working in our company?
-No doctor that drives a 1991 Ford Taurus is going to be allowed to treat me. If he doesn't care enough about how he looks when he pulls into the parking lot of the hospital, how could he possibly care about his patients, or be intelligent enough to heal them?
-Even though she expressed an interest in what we are trying to accomplish, I refuse to listen to or acknowledge the opinion of the girl who sits by herself in the college lunch room at meal times and never comes to any of the dances or the parties. How could someone with no social life have anything worthwhile to contribute to the conversation?
-That gentleman has obvious talent as a painter, but he is barely making ends meet at his gas station job. Given that he hasn't parleyed his artistic traits into a career that would allow him and his family to live comfortably for the rest of their lives, he is either lazy, or a coward. The only reason he is struggling is that he hasn't done his homework.
-After a cost-benefit analysis I determined I really have no particular use for a botanist in my network at this time, nor do I think I have anything to offer the world of botany. So I opted not to shake his offered hand at the party last night. I prefer to preserve that energy for connections from which I can gain something while simultaneously contributing something in return.
-I came very close to hiring that electrician for my house. But she wasn't smiling when I first saw her. How professional could she be?
-Don't hire any consultant who goes to a library to read magazines. If they cannot commit their time and money into subscribing to all of them personally, they won't put the proper time or energy into your project.
-Over the weekend, four people left voice-mails on his office phone. But 14 people left voice-mails on her office phone. Clearly she is leadership material, and should be promoted over him as soon as possible.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Fantasy Football: Eye Opener?
I haven't mentioned this much in my writing/Brazen/networking circles, but my friends have certainly heard about it regularly this month; I am playing fantasy football for the very first time this year, and I am rather excited about it.
I enjoy watching professional football. I think it is the most exciting game to view on television. (I have never been to an NFL game.) I have fun supporting my local professional teams, and I trash talk rivals. I get a kick out of the visceral football experience that is the NFL. I have done for years. (But not my whole life.)
Yet, I am not a "superfan" as they say. I know what any given team should be trying to do on any given drive or play. I am aware of which teams are good, and which are lousy. I know a blunder when I see one. Yet I am not a storehouse for statistics or history of the game. I don't totally grasp some of the nuances. Formations, especially defensive, at this time mean nothing to me. I can't translate them into practical knowledge. I need a cheat sheet to even name all of the positions on defense.
You get the idea. A superfan knows all of these things and more. I know enough to enjoy watching any given game, and to have a position on most of the broader debates within the league, or specific controversies within a single game. Nowhere near enough to make a career in writing about the NFL. So playing fantasy, (a game in which the stats of your select group of individual players determines your points) wouldn't seem like an ideal choice for me.
But I decided it would be fun to try, for any number of reasons. And from the time I agreed to be in my friend's small, free league, until last night when I took part in my first ever draft, my way of thinking about football has expanded and shifted somewhat. And it's kind of a reminder of some of the advantageous and reasons to try something new. Which got me thinking about how my approach to fantasy football would, and indeed has served me well in other new adventures in life when I first approach them. First, the "whys".
Deeper Knowledge of the Game
I won't ever reach that superfan status. But in the weeks leading up to the draft. (The lottery wherein you choose your players), I had to research more in depth into the nature of what certain positions did on the field. I had a vague idea, but if I was going to follow certain tight ends for an entire year, I decided I had better beef up on the nature of what they do. It motivated me to learn a bit more than I know now, even if not everything. This will add a dimension to my viewing of games in the future.
A Broader Range of Games In Which to be Interested
I have generally only followed the local teams over the years. I'll watch the Super Bowl regardless, but for most of the year, I am only watching the teams I like, unless I am bored and there is nothing else on. With fantasy football, I will now have a vested interest in games I otherwise would never have watched, unless I was bored. Even though the result of the game as a whole is not important for fantasy football, I will now have more of an incentive to catch an Atlanta Falcons game on any given week, since I "own" two of them on my team. I'll be interested in more of what is going on around the league now, and not just two teams.
More "Water Cooler Cred".
Okay, I work from home for now, and I don't have a water cooler. But the point is, fantasy football will give me more of something to talk about at any given time with people who either follow football, or play fantasy. Again, I can't ever compete with the superfans out there, but sport is a common topic of casual conversation, and the more specific football related knowledge I have, the greater my arsenal of small talk. (Which I hate anyway.) And, heaven forbid this, if I have to meet strangers in the near future, I'll have one more feeler I can use to engage. (Or be engaged.) If not, my friends and I will at least have more stuff to yell at each about.
Making Football a Less Solitary.
Because I am not a superfan, I sometimes don't have as much fun sitting in my apartment by myself watching a Ravens game, as I would watching it with friends. The whole tribal thing really adds to watching a ball game. Watching by myself sometimes gets old, and I will turn a game off early. But knowing any given week that I am battling for points with one of my friends will make football seem a bit more communal than usual. Yes, I will still be alone in most cases, but knowing I am crushing someone gives an extra edge, (and motivation) to watching.
I get to watch actual stars do something.
Because the league is small, each of us got some stars on our teams. And while my local teams do have some stars here and there, it will be nice to have a reason to root for many beasts t in the league, instead of just the few local ones.
***********************************************************************************
So those are some of the "whys" to doing this.But what about the "hows" of it all? That was the biggest challenge for me; how to approach this new activity to maximize enjoyment and success?
Don't Expect Everything the First Time Out.
This being my first year, I wanted a good team. Even a great one. But I had to remind myself that the point of me starting this was not to try to win the whole thing. Not many people do that their first time out. I had to remember to enjoy the newness, and take in all of the pleasure of it being a positive learning experience. To do well, yes, but also remember that it was all for fun, and bragging rights. There isn't even any money involved in this league. So I "paced my stakes" if you will. In other words, I gave it significance, but not importance, to get a good team, placing the top emphasis instead on fun, and experience.
Paralysis By Analysis Must Be Addressed.
We all know about this problem, and I am notorious for it. I had a severe temptation to try to become that superfan in the 4 weeks between being invited, and last night's draft. I had to fight the urge to study up on everything, from every source about every aspect of football, so that I could rock the draft, and become an expert. I successfully battled that urge back, (especially once I saw how much there is to consider) but it still crept in from time to time. But I made a decision; I was only going to use one sporting authority as the source for advice. The conventional wisdom is to aggregate advice from many sources and make your decisions, but I knew doing so would run the risk of me going into information overload. So I chose one reputable source, and stuck with what they had to say as I made my personal wish list. And I gave myself a cut off date. Once written, no changes to my rankings after a certain time. I kept my word on this, I am proud to say.
Instinct!
I didn't pick my team willy-nilly. I had stats and research to back up my picks. However, my top lists for each position did not match many of the popular top lists. Because I listened to gut instincts I had about players, teams, scenarios. In a broad sense, most of the players I considered were the ones most others considered, but not in the same order. Sometimes I would just listen to a feeling. I may not have the instincts of a superfan, but if I am going to have fun with this, I need to go out on at least a few of my own limbs. And I did. I can't wait to see how they pan out. But even if they don't I found value in partly following my own system, and not the ones recommended by the experts 100% of the time.
Practice!!
Thank the heavens for mock drafts. (Something I didn't even know about until a few days ago.) Before I was shown the wonder of a fake draft website, I was running pretty nervous about my first draft. Who do I want? When to get them? How do I know what to do? But having the chance to do a few fake drafts not only let me try out different approaches without cost, but also opened my eyes to some of the patterns that tended to emerge. I took that with me into the real draft last night. I also took the patience and calmness I had acquired from the sometimes long waits in the mock drafts. Being able to run through something before it counts is immeasurable. The actor in me already knows this.
Fight for the bronze.
When I was a kid, we all used to fight in school about what order we would line up in. Many a scrap was started over who called, "I'm first", first. Usually resulting in someone facing the ultimate humiliation; being sent to the very end of the line.
I learned early on that this wasn't worth it. And so, as soon as the teacher would say, "everybody line up", I would call out to the class, "I'm third!"
This threw people a bit, because half the class was already fighting over who would be first. You only called dibs on third once first and second had already been won. Who calls for it outright? I did, and I almost always got it. Why? People, even as kids, have a fetish for number one, ignoring the fact that often, it is only minor, subjective, or statistical differences that separate it from 2-5. So I decided not to always fight for the top spot. Because I would rather get third right off, than fight for one, lose, and end up 17th. I applied this strategy a little bit to the player draft last night as well. My wish lists were mostly top 5 people, but with one exception, I don't think anyone at the top of my lists was also at the top of THE lists.
***********************************************************************************
Each of these bullet points, both the "whys" and the "hows" have helped make my first ever experience in fantasy football more enjoyable. Next year they may change, but I am glad I followed each of these for my rookie season. And indeed, I am happy to follow all of these points in other ventures as well. For in the end, I think I realized that I approach many new experiences in similar ways. I get information, start small, stay modest, avoid information overload by using a few trusted advisers, give credence to my gut, visualize and practice my strategy when applicable, and try not to be a pedestal hog.
And when I do such things in other areas of my life, I have found, eventually, that it leads to more satisfying adventures in most cases, because I am breaking my norm without going crazy, testing myself, gaining more knowledge than I had before, adding more flavor to my life story, interacting better with new people, and admiring the success stories of others.
I won't be cliche and say "fantasy football is like life". But I have at least applied some of my life strategies to my first fantasy football experience. And hopefully I can apply the most important one of them all; having fun.
I enjoy watching professional football. I think it is the most exciting game to view on television. (I have never been to an NFL game.) I have fun supporting my local professional teams, and I trash talk rivals. I get a kick out of the visceral football experience that is the NFL. I have done for years. (But not my whole life.)
Yet, I am not a "superfan" as they say. I know what any given team should be trying to do on any given drive or play. I am aware of which teams are good, and which are lousy. I know a blunder when I see one. Yet I am not a storehouse for statistics or history of the game. I don't totally grasp some of the nuances. Formations, especially defensive, at this time mean nothing to me. I can't translate them into practical knowledge. I need a cheat sheet to even name all of the positions on defense.
You get the idea. A superfan knows all of these things and more. I know enough to enjoy watching any given game, and to have a position on most of the broader debates within the league, or specific controversies within a single game. Nowhere near enough to make a career in writing about the NFL. So playing fantasy, (a game in which the stats of your select group of individual players determines your points) wouldn't seem like an ideal choice for me.
But I decided it would be fun to try, for any number of reasons. And from the time I agreed to be in my friend's small, free league, until last night when I took part in my first ever draft, my way of thinking about football has expanded and shifted somewhat. And it's kind of a reminder of some of the advantageous and reasons to try something new. Which got me thinking about how my approach to fantasy football would, and indeed has served me well in other new adventures in life when I first approach them. First, the "whys".
Deeper Knowledge of the Game
I won't ever reach that superfan status. But in the weeks leading up to the draft. (The lottery wherein you choose your players), I had to research more in depth into the nature of what certain positions did on the field. I had a vague idea, but if I was going to follow certain tight ends for an entire year, I decided I had better beef up on the nature of what they do. It motivated me to learn a bit more than I know now, even if not everything. This will add a dimension to my viewing of games in the future.
A Broader Range of Games In Which to be Interested
I have generally only followed the local teams over the years. I'll watch the Super Bowl regardless, but for most of the year, I am only watching the teams I like, unless I am bored and there is nothing else on. With fantasy football, I will now have a vested interest in games I otherwise would never have watched, unless I was bored. Even though the result of the game as a whole is not important for fantasy football, I will now have more of an incentive to catch an Atlanta Falcons game on any given week, since I "own" two of them on my team. I'll be interested in more of what is going on around the league now, and not just two teams.
More "Water Cooler Cred".
Okay, I work from home for now, and I don't have a water cooler. But the point is, fantasy football will give me more of something to talk about at any given time with people who either follow football, or play fantasy. Again, I can't ever compete with the superfans out there, but sport is a common topic of casual conversation, and the more specific football related knowledge I have, the greater my arsenal of small talk. (Which I hate anyway.) And, heaven forbid this, if I have to meet strangers in the near future, I'll have one more feeler I can use to engage. (Or be engaged.) If not, my friends and I will at least have more stuff to yell at each about.
Making Football a Less Solitary.
Because I am not a superfan, I sometimes don't have as much fun sitting in my apartment by myself watching a Ravens game, as I would watching it with friends. The whole tribal thing really adds to watching a ball game. Watching by myself sometimes gets old, and I will turn a game off early. But knowing any given week that I am battling for points with one of my friends will make football seem a bit more communal than usual. Yes, I will still be alone in most cases, but knowing I am crushing someone gives an extra edge, (and motivation) to watching.
I get to watch actual stars do something.
Because the league is small, each of us got some stars on our teams. And while my local teams do have some stars here and there, it will be nice to have a reason to root for many beasts t in the league, instead of just the few local ones.
***********************************************************************************
So those are some of the "whys" to doing this.But what about the "hows" of it all? That was the biggest challenge for me; how to approach this new activity to maximize enjoyment and success?
Don't Expect Everything the First Time Out.
This being my first year, I wanted a good team. Even a great one. But I had to remind myself that the point of me starting this was not to try to win the whole thing. Not many people do that their first time out. I had to remember to enjoy the newness, and take in all of the pleasure of it being a positive learning experience. To do well, yes, but also remember that it was all for fun, and bragging rights. There isn't even any money involved in this league. So I "paced my stakes" if you will. In other words, I gave it significance, but not importance, to get a good team, placing the top emphasis instead on fun, and experience.
Paralysis By Analysis Must Be Addressed.
We all know about this problem, and I am notorious for it. I had a severe temptation to try to become that superfan in the 4 weeks between being invited, and last night's draft. I had to fight the urge to study up on everything, from every source about every aspect of football, so that I could rock the draft, and become an expert. I successfully battled that urge back, (especially once I saw how much there is to consider) but it still crept in from time to time. But I made a decision; I was only going to use one sporting authority as the source for advice. The conventional wisdom is to aggregate advice from many sources and make your decisions, but I knew doing so would run the risk of me going into information overload. So I chose one reputable source, and stuck with what they had to say as I made my personal wish list. And I gave myself a cut off date. Once written, no changes to my rankings after a certain time. I kept my word on this, I am proud to say.
Instinct!
I didn't pick my team willy-nilly. I had stats and research to back up my picks. However, my top lists for each position did not match many of the popular top lists. Because I listened to gut instincts I had about players, teams, scenarios. In a broad sense, most of the players I considered were the ones most others considered, but not in the same order. Sometimes I would just listen to a feeling. I may not have the instincts of a superfan, but if I am going to have fun with this, I need to go out on at least a few of my own limbs. And I did. I can't wait to see how they pan out. But even if they don't I found value in partly following my own system, and not the ones recommended by the experts 100% of the time.
Practice!!
Thank the heavens for mock drafts. (Something I didn't even know about until a few days ago.) Before I was shown the wonder of a fake draft website, I was running pretty nervous about my first draft. Who do I want? When to get them? How do I know what to do? But having the chance to do a few fake drafts not only let me try out different approaches without cost, but also opened my eyes to some of the patterns that tended to emerge. I took that with me into the real draft last night. I also took the patience and calmness I had acquired from the sometimes long waits in the mock drafts. Being able to run through something before it counts is immeasurable. The actor in me already knows this.
Fight for the bronze.
When I was a kid, we all used to fight in school about what order we would line up in. Many a scrap was started over who called, "I'm first", first. Usually resulting in someone facing the ultimate humiliation; being sent to the very end of the line.
I learned early on that this wasn't worth it. And so, as soon as the teacher would say, "everybody line up", I would call out to the class, "I'm third!"
This threw people a bit, because half the class was already fighting over who would be first. You only called dibs on third once first and second had already been won. Who calls for it outright? I did, and I almost always got it. Why? People, even as kids, have a fetish for number one, ignoring the fact that often, it is only minor, subjective, or statistical differences that separate it from 2-5. So I decided not to always fight for the top spot. Because I would rather get third right off, than fight for one, lose, and end up 17th. I applied this strategy a little bit to the player draft last night as well. My wish lists were mostly top 5 people, but with one exception, I don't think anyone at the top of my lists was also at the top of THE lists.
***********************************************************************************
Each of these bullet points, both the "whys" and the "hows" have helped make my first ever experience in fantasy football more enjoyable. Next year they may change, but I am glad I followed each of these for my rookie season. And indeed, I am happy to follow all of these points in other ventures as well. For in the end, I think I realized that I approach many new experiences in similar ways. I get information, start small, stay modest, avoid information overload by using a few trusted advisers, give credence to my gut, visualize and practice my strategy when applicable, and try not to be a pedestal hog.
And when I do such things in other areas of my life, I have found, eventually, that it leads to more satisfying adventures in most cases, because I am breaking my norm without going crazy, testing myself, gaining more knowledge than I had before, adding more flavor to my life story, interacting better with new people, and admiring the success stories of others.
I won't be cliche and say "fantasy football is like life". But I have at least applied some of my life strategies to my first fantasy football experience. And hopefully I can apply the most important one of them all; having fun.
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