Monday, October 3, 2011

Too XYZ Defined. Or Redefined? Or Undefined?

I knew exactly what I was doing when I named this blog. I would say roughly 60% of the posts actually mention the phrase "Too XYZ" as it pertains to my potent yet undefined non-conventional make up, in the areas of spirituality, psychology, emotions, career, and, well, you get the idea. On and on. Even when the phrase itself is not used almost everything I have blogged here has in some way been moved by the spirit of my being Too XYZ, even if the phrase itself is absent from a post.

I am just as XYZ today as ever I was. In some ways perhaps more so even as in other ways it has lessened. And my hope was that by blogging about it, I would come to a great understanding of the exact nature of what makes my views and approach to the world so unique. The goal was to make this blog a place where others who also felt Too XYZ about things to come, discuss, share, and ask questions. I thought that in so doing we'd all be able to come to a few more conclusions than usual, when left to our own devices.

Despite some minimal success in attracting some high profile attention here and there, and a few posts of mine going ever so slightly viral for a short time, it hasn't worked out this way.

As a whole, this blog has not had even one tenth the readership I had hoped for. Nor has it spurned the conversations that I hoped it would. Again, I have endeavored to create something that simply, despite my best efforts, does not take flight, or catch fire, in this world. I'll admit it saddens and frustrates me, (despite some of my pieces on introversion getting some mild form of acclaim in very tiny circles online.) It would appear that I am even Too XYZ to make being Too XYZ successful.

The blog has failed to be highly successful by external metrics, as measured by the amount of readers, subscribers and comments, all of which would lead towards an exploration of my uniqueness and that of others. Not unrelated is this blog's general failure by internal metrics as well, as measured by the personal satisfaction of having had a positive impact on other people with similar view points, while coming to a greater understanding about my own.

My need remains, however, to define, (or perhaps I should say to at least understand, as I may never be able to define) those parts of me that can't be nailed down by the status quo and conventional wisdom. In its current form, this blog has not done that as often or as deeply as I would like. And while I am not shutting down this blog for the time being, I do hope to at some point have a new internet presence which may include aspects of what I try to do here, while also being about more. I'd mention more, but that is at least several months away, and I am not even sure how to go about doing it. (It takes hundreds of dollars I don't have, time I can't find, and help from other interested people that, like most of my projects in life, I seem unable to secure.) But when I know more, so will you.

Yet the broader message of this already-longer-than-it-should-be post is that I must begin to find other ways to define and explore what it is that makes me such a poor fit with the rest of...everything. And it is quite possibly everything. With the exception of writing and theatre,(and sometimes even they are not the exception) I don't fit into much of anything, and in most cases I don't mind that too much. I do after all explain this blog to people as "Observations of being a square peg in a world of round holes." Yet that lack of worldly success, understanding, and even lack of company from others on a similar frustrating journey can get old. After all, I'm an introvert that is Too XYZ, not an ascetic monk that needs only religion, or a hermit that needs only himself. (Despite accusations to the contrary.)

So, I will be focusing some more efforts in the coming time on the idea of finding out what exactly makes me tick. (Or what doesn't let me tick?) At least partially, as I don't think I will ever be 100% aware of what I am all about.

Now those that know me may observe that this has always been what I do. And you would be correct. To a certain extent, this search has been the trademark of my life, both online and offline. So what is different about it now? The best way I can answer that question is by mentioning my willingness, (perhaps by necessity) to explore aspects of myself that I have not put much interest in before, and furthermore do so with some methods in which I have chosen not to participate previously.

What aspects? By what methods? The truth is, I really don't have much of an idea myself at this time. I don't yet know how it will all take place. I'm not certain what exactly will go down. And I sure as hell don't know if it will even work. Often it doesn't. However, the failure of this blog to launch as envisioned, as well as other aspects of my life lately have brought the need for a different approach into a clearer focus in the last year.

I do have to say this isn't about the "get out of your comfort zone and take on the world" song and dance routine that Gen-Y and self help gurus like to spew forth constantly. I have said before and will say again now that all of that "Challenge yourself and be positive about life" secret to getting everything you want is fucking cow flop. At least it is when you are Too XYZ. (Or, let's be honest, too poor to afford most of the shit those type of people say you need to invest in.)

However it is about deciding that there comes a time when, no matter how much endurance you have to keep walking miles and miles and miles down the path, the path on which you find yourself is leading nowhere. It may good exercise. The path may have some nice scenery, and you will probably meet some nice people along the way if you walk for long enough. Yet you end up just walking. And walking. And it may start to look like rain...

And what of this blog? As I said, its days are most likely numbered in its current form. Yet for the time being, that number is a very large one, as I am nowhere near building anything else yet, and don't even know if I can. In the mean time, however, I don't know in what precise ways Too XYZ itself will change during this interregnum. I plan to blog just as often, and much of those posts will indeed be about the same things about which I have blogged over the last 18 months. (Introversion, for example.) Who knows, maybe to some people it won't appear to be that much different at all. Yet astute observers my see it as being less formal, less focused, more personal, and less constructed towards social media influence than it used to be.

The story however, is not this blog, in the end. The story is me, and in some ways that story is changing. Or, to use some writer's metaphors, a bit of the tone and direction of the story has to change, so I am probably going to have to go back to the outline and move some things around. Again, I don't know how just yet. But I suppose I, (and you, if you stick around) will soon find out.

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