The End of the Too XYZ Blog

It is with no small amount of irony that less than a week after the (unobserved) two your anniversary of the launch of this blog I should post this to announce what I alluded to months ago; I will be discontinuing Too XYZ. This will be, for all intents and purposes, the last post I make on it.

When I first created this blog in February of 2010, I was no stranger to blogging. My other blog, (which will remain unchanged) called Always Off Book has been a place to share my theatre related adventures, experiences, plans and opinions since October of 2005. Yet during the fall of 2009, as I began to gain an all too temporary and transient esteem from some of the folks at Brazen Careerist, it became clear to me that I may in fact have something to say about things other than community theatre. Things that could help others, make people think, and start conversations.

The glut of self-help and opinion based blogs was obvious to me. Obvious due in no small part to the fact that just about all of them were advising things that were contrary to my natural state. The modes operandi of many blogs then, as now, seems to be, "Shut up, suck it up, smile, and accept the fact that everything in the universe is either under your control, or is entirely your fault. Get on the right side of this fence today."

Not only was that sort of militant "positive" thinking not enough for me and usually ineffective as presented, it bordered on the offensive. Who exactly are these blogosphere drones to tell me that there is one, and only one way to do shit? One way by which to get out of a funk, fix a career, gain money, get published, find a relationship, garner respect, start a business. You name it, and the vast majority of blogs and articles out there insisted upon the same worn out, cookie cutter, "go out there and get it" solutions, all predicated on the idea that luck, privilege and assistance have never and will never contribute to the success or failure of any human being. (And certainly not to their own.)

I wasn't buying that bumper sticker. I knew, from a life filled with disappointment, struggles, failures, limited resources, and at times stupefying bad-timing and bad luck that there was more to the picture than simply wanting it enough. That there had to be something else to be offered to people like me besides, "Want it more! Work harder!". And I felt, in a place deep inside me, that there were others like me who, for reasons they could not quantify, had found themselves unable to catch a break. Unable to get ahead. Unable to even kick open a door, let alone get their foot into same. An entire demographic of people who, like myself, were left always exhausted as well as exasperated by the enormous amounts of energy they spent spinning their tires, and making little to no progress in the world. And even the successful people had to feel this way sometimes, beyond a certain point.

It was those people I wanted to reach, with the help of my Brazen Careerist platform and connections. So I began to plan out a second blog. One dedicated to expressing both how I was too...something, and reaching out to others who were too...something. I wanted a blog wherein I could explore, with other like minded people, why everyone thought we were too poor, too old, too cautious, too shy, too introverted, too, unconventional. A place to explore why we were always far "too"...something. Fill in the blank, I thought. Too XYZ was born.

This was before I was on Twitter, and therefore my blog, and my activity on Brazen Careerist was my key to reaching people. And reach them, I did. For a time. Mentioning my blog posts at BC made me a frequent recipient of the "Featured Post" honor. Comments would come, and conversations would start. It started out well.

But then other things began to happen. Those who enjoyed my candid, zero-bullshit approach when they agreed with what I was saying suddenly became abrasive when I applied it to things with which they did not agree. When I applied my at times acerbic commentary towards my own life, people got testy. I gained and lost several "friends" after the first year of Too XYZ. (Thankfully, I have kept most of them.) My content began to be seen, I imagine, as more of a crusade against the status quo. (Which it was.)

Yet I think a certain demographic of people expected that I was trying to be the next Seth Godin (god forbid that vapid future), and document some kind of personal journey into fame and wealth which I too would enter by kicking doors open and taking the world by storm, as all of their other blogging heroes had done. I theorize many of my initial, enthusiastic reader expected me to adhere to conventional gurudom, monetize my blog, write some damned e-book or another, sell it, talk about it all the time, make money, and polish the all important "personal brand". A brand which would, in essence, be built around the idea of being Too XYZ in a way that was more marketable and conventional. (Even Dan Schawabel shared one of my early blog posts once, which is apparently a big deal.)

This didn't happen. My goal wasn't to be king of the blogosphere. My idea was to start conversations and meet people.

Some would say I failed to achieve my blogging goals because I didn't capitalize on the excellent notoriety and platform I was building. Many left my readership as well as my "friendship" because I failed to seize what they felt needed seizing. I wasn't doing what Gen-Y has been bred almost to the genetic level to do...take what I had built, draw blood with it, and double it every eight weeks. In short, many expected me to become "Ty, Inc." This notion made my skin crawl. I enjoyed posting about and responding to Gen-Y career-related content, yes, because I believe I offered a view that nobody else was considering. But my point was to express that view, and encourage others to express that view in order to make a hole for those of us who know that by and large the Seth Godin and CopyBlogger way is mostly bullshit. I didn't want to use my statements against such things in order to become such things. And I think a lot of my early readers couldn't grasp that. Kicking ass is kicking ass, after all, right?

So I backed away from the "Gen-Y" "How to succeed at your career", type of posts, and moved more into the nature of being Too XYZ in a world that doesn't want to deal with such variables. (The blog's reason for being in the first place.) I initially thought that my success at BC would carry me through in this regard as well. It didn't. I don't want to get into a bashing fest, but suffice to say that like so many other good ideas before it, Brazen Careerist over the course of the next year became anything but Brazen. The same tired, cookie cutter responses, sullied by corporate interest and editorial interference by new employees beholden to same. The sense of exploring the whole person with which the platform was founded, and under which I thrived, vanished in favor of exposure and perks for the already privileged. The elite. The ones with mile long resumes and the connections to rub golden elbows.

In short, I was now Too XYZ for Brazen Careerist. And when the final indignity of being treated like a total newb by one of the so called "editors" took place, I bid my farewells to the place, after gaining 400 followers, (most of which never responded to my private messages...so much for networking) and being labeled a "Top User".

But this blog remained, in hopes that I would still reach that same disenfranchised group of people, while at the same time offering an example of my writing skills to those who wished to observe same. By now I had started on Twitter, and was getting the hang of that; I never really adopted it as most others have, but have learned to use it to some small advantage in the networking department. I'd continue to blog on topics of Too XYZ, while also tweeting about same. Only with a more philosophical bent, as opposed to the analytic and critical approach from earlier in the blog's life.

The readership changed somewhat. It remained steady, though quiet. I won't get into numbers here, but most posts didn't match the numbers of some of my early posts from the career-oriented days of BC. There were some exceptions; people on Twitter were eating up my posts on introversion. As well as my occasional posts on my writing. I began to think that if I could somehow meld my views on being an introvert into being Too XYZ, I could perhaps reach those who were both. And if I could share those experiences through the lens of being a writer, all the better. So I tried to do that with my posts. I succeeded somewhat, but the writing was on the wall; the mission of my online content had changed, and this blog, as it was, no longer quite fit that mission.

I was losing the desire to create this "otherness" about what I am. I maintain that there is something different about me, and that solving my problems is not as simple as most people think that it is. But as my posts began to lean more towards introspection, I came to a conclusion, expressed in this post, that I wasn't serving either myself, nor other people that are Too XYZ very well at all. I was conceptualizing the state of being "Too XYZ", and trying to write and discuss that, when what I should have been doing was sharing myself with the world...an individual man who happens also to be, in some areas, Too XYZ. Let people get to know me and what makes me tick, and not just my existential proclivities. (After all, not all of me is Too XYZ believe it or not. I can be damn practical too.)

My research and work over the last few months has been pursuant of this realignment. And by Easter, a brand new website and blog will be the culmination of this perceptual shift.

My new site will still be dominated by a blogging component, but the content will vary a bit more. Instead of posts about being Too XYZ, you will find posts about being me. Not confined to mere navel-gazing, I'll be posting thoughts, experiences, advice, observations, questions and links pertaining to such topics as writing, introversion, daily life, and yes, being Too XYZ. That aspect of my blogging will not vanish, and indeed, 100% of the content from this blog will be folded into the new one, to be categorized appropriately as per the new broader, Ty-Based approach.

In addition to the blogging, I will provide informational pages about me, how to hire me, writing samples, how to contact me, current projects and more. It will not be the fanciest, plug-in crazy website you will find. It will not be dripping with fancy code and all of the latest widgets. It will be, as this site has been, minimalist in presentation. Clean. Clear. Direct. The depth of content, however will hopefully be up to what you have come to expect from me and my writing. Indeed I hope to continue to improve and expand my content as I give a better idea of not only who I am, but what I can do.

If all goes as planned, I'll be engaging to more people. The site will be place where you can come and get to know either one single aspect of me, such as my writing, or multiple aspects of who I am, and what I do and want. Simple at first where content is king, and perhaps later on, if thing goes well, somewhat more fancy, where, you guessed it, content is still king.

The true work on that site begins this very week. And while I could continue to post here as I set up the new place, (or at least continue to repost Too XYZ Classics), I have decided that now is a good time to make the break and concentrate more fully on making the new site. Which is why I'll not be blogging again until the new place is up and running. When the address and domain are set-up I will probably post one more entry here announcing where to find me in case any stragglers show up and read the blog. But for all intents and purposes this is, as I said, the final entry of any substance for Too XYZ.

I want to thank all of you who have read, commented on, and subscribed to this blog over the last two years. Some of you I know, but most of you have remained in the shadows, leaving no contact information with which I can thank you personally. I hope that if you have been a regular reader of Too XYZ, you will make the switch and come on over to read and subscribe to the new place, once it's all ready. In the mean time, if you don't already, do follow me on Twitter @TyUnglebower. I'll be posting site updates and other things there as well. If not, check back here periodically next month for the official address once I create it.

This blog in this space will remain up for the foreseeable future, both for archival purposes and so that I can respond to any comments I might get on any posts. (Yes, I will still engage in conversations about any of the topics I have brought up over the last two years.) But for now, my short blogging hiatus begins. I hope to see you all on the other side of it. Until then, remember we're all a little Too XYZ sometimes, and that is okay.

sincerely, Ty Unglebower

Too XYZ Classic: Look Before You Melee

In this post, originally published here on the blog on March 18, 2010, I used video game playing as a metaphor. I did so to show how effective it can be at times to go slow and finesse one's way to success. I have to say that in the intervening time since I wrote the post I have become more adept at strategic approaches to certain things. The temptation and inclination to melee, however, is still present. It's something of which I have to remain aware as I go forward with my plans. (Though I still have gone to melee, not without some success, in the nearly two years since I wrote this piece.

What I didn't specifically mention in the post, but which I nonetheless find applicable to same is the notion some people have to be always moving. Always changing. Always rushing into the next big thing. Brand changing, loyalty changing, spend two years creating something only to drop it 4 days after it's official, and move on to something else to build. For something that is "keeping it fresh". To me that is but another form of ill advised melee attack. Blasting your way through life for the sake of blasting and getting to the top of...whatever.

I didn't have a huge readership the first time, and as you can see, little commentary. But I count it as one of my favorite posts because it illuminates one of my favorite lessons over the last few years. A lesson I try to apply each day in some way.

Too XYZ Defined. Or Redefined? Or Undefined?

I knew exactly what I was doing when I named this blog. I would say roughly 60% of the posts actually mention the phrase "Too XYZ" as it pertains to my potent yet undefined non-conventional make up, in the areas of spirituality, psychology, emotions, career, and, well, you get the idea. On and on. Even when the phrase itself is not used almost everything I have blogged here has in some way been moved by the spirit of my being Too XYZ, even if the phrase itself is absent from a post.

I am just as XYZ today as ever I was. In some ways perhaps more so even as in other ways it has lessened. And my hope was that by blogging about it, I would come to a great understanding of the exact nature of what makes my views and approach to the world so unique. The goal was to make this blog a place where others who also felt Too XYZ about things to come, discuss, share, and ask questions. I thought that in so doing we'd all be able to come to a few more conclusions than usual, when left to our own devices.

Despite some minimal success in attracting some high profile attention here and there, and a few posts of mine going ever so slightly viral for a short time, it hasn't worked out this way.

As a whole, this blog has not had even one tenth the readership I had hoped for. Nor has it spurned the conversations that I hoped it would. Again, I have endeavored to create something that simply, despite my best efforts, does not take flight, or catch fire, in this world. I'll admit it saddens and frustrates me, (despite some of my pieces on introversion getting some mild form of acclaim in very tiny circles online.) It would appear that I am even Too XYZ to make being Too XYZ successful.

The blog has failed to be highly successful by external metrics, as measured by the amount of readers, subscribers and comments, all of which would lead towards an exploration of my uniqueness and that of others. Not unrelated is this blog's general failure by internal metrics as well, as measured by the personal satisfaction of having had a positive impact on other people with similar view points, while coming to a greater understanding about my own.

My need remains, however, to define, (or perhaps I should say to at least understand, as I may never be able to define) those parts of me that can't be nailed down by the status quo and conventional wisdom. In its current form, this blog has not done that as often or as deeply as I would like. And while I am not shutting down this blog for the time being, I do hope to at some point have a new internet presence which may include aspects of what I try to do here, while also being about more. I'd mention more, but that is at least several months away, and I am not even sure how to go about doing it. (It takes hundreds of dollars I don't have, time I can't find, and help from other interested people that, like most of my projects in life, I seem unable to secure.) But when I know more, so will you.

Yet the broader message of this already-longer-than-it-should-be post is that I must begin to find other ways to define and explore what it is that makes me such a poor fit with the rest of...everything. And it is quite possibly everything. With the exception of writing and theatre,(and sometimes even they are not the exception) I don't fit into much of anything, and in most cases I don't mind that too much. I do after all explain this blog to people as "Observations of being a square peg in a world of round holes." Yet that lack of worldly success, understanding, and even lack of company from others on a similar frustrating journey can get old. After all, I'm an introvert that is Too XYZ, not an ascetic monk that needs only religion, or a hermit that needs only himself. (Despite accusations to the contrary.)

So, I will be focusing some more efforts in the coming time on the idea of finding out what exactly makes me tick. (Or what doesn't let me tick?) At least partially, as I don't think I will ever be 100% aware of what I am all about.

Now those that know me may observe that this has always been what I do. And you would be correct. To a certain extent, this search has been the trademark of my life, both online and offline. So what is different about it now? The best way I can answer that question is by mentioning my willingness, (perhaps by necessity) to explore aspects of myself that I have not put much interest in before, and furthermore do so with some methods in which I have chosen not to participate previously.

What aspects? By what methods? The truth is, I really don't have much of an idea myself at this time. I don't yet know how it will all take place. I'm not certain what exactly will go down. And I sure as hell don't know if it will even work. Often it doesn't. However, the failure of this blog to launch as envisioned, as well as other aspects of my life lately have brought the need for a different approach into a clearer focus in the last year.

I do have to say this isn't about the "get out of your comfort zone and take on the world" song and dance routine that Gen-Y and self help gurus like to spew forth constantly. I have said before and will say again now that all of that "Challenge yourself and be positive about life" secret to getting everything you want is fucking cow flop. At least it is when you are Too XYZ. (Or, let's be honest, too poor to afford most of the shit those type of people say you need to invest in.)

However it is about deciding that there comes a time when, no matter how much endurance you have to keep walking miles and miles and miles down the path, the path on which you find yourself is leading nowhere. It may good exercise. The path may have some nice scenery, and you will probably meet some nice people along the way if you walk for long enough. Yet you end up just walking. And walking. And it may start to look like rain...

And what of this blog? As I said, its days are most likely numbered in its current form. Yet for the time being, that number is a very large one, as I am nowhere near building anything else yet, and don't even know if I can. In the mean time, however, I don't know in what precise ways Too XYZ itself will change during this interregnum. I plan to blog just as often, and much of those posts will indeed be about the same things about which I have blogged over the last 18 months. (Introversion, for example.) Who knows, maybe to some people it won't appear to be that much different at all. Yet astute observers my see it as being less formal, less focused, more personal, and less constructed towards social media influence than it used to be.

The story however, is not this blog, in the end. The story is me, and in some ways that story is changing. Or, to use some writer's metaphors, a bit of the tone and direction of the story has to change, so I am probably going to have to go back to the outline and move some things around. Again, I don't know how just yet. But I suppose I, (and you, if you stick around) will soon find out.

The Return of AuGuest.

I mentioned earlier this month that I wanted to bring back my AuGuest month of guest posts, and today I can confirm it will be taking place. Each Monday in August, I will publish a guest post from someone I have met or worked with in my adventures online.

This year it will be a bit different, though, in that each Thursday I will then right a response or commentary to that week's guest post, as opposed to just finding as many guest posts as I can, and leaving comments on same. So this year AuGuest will be more of a conjunction of ideas between myself and my guests. I hope some interesting discussion as well as some new readers will result from this year's event.

So, do check back in on Monday, when AuGuest kicks off with a post by confirmed extrovert,  Zoyah Thawer. Don't miss it.

Variations on the "Alpha Centauri Effect"

The “star” known most commonly as “Alpha Centauri” is the third brightest star in the night sky. Only it isn’t a star. It’s actually two stars in close proximity to one another. It is their distance from the earth, and their level of brightness that makes them appear to be one star when observed with the naked eye from this planet.

In more recent decades it was also revealed that a much smaller star, dubbed “Proxima Centauri” is also nearby. Proxima is not part of the unified illusion we see from earth, however. It is, in fact, rendered invisible to the naked eye because of its lower brightness and its vicinity to the far brighter Alpha Centauri stars. It is drowned out, so to speak.

Alpha Centauri is the closest star(s) to earth, except for the sun of course. The term “close” is relative in space, however, as the distance from here to there is about 4.7 light years. Meaning of course that it would take light itself, (which travels at 180,000 miles per second) 4.7 years to get there. Most of what lies between here and there is quite literally nothing at all, as we understand it. Cold, black, interstellar space, where even atoms themselves, the building blocks of matter, become more scarce. 

Giving whole new life to the old cliché’ “so close, and yet, so far.”

Then there is the “Alpha Centauri Effect.” This is not the product of modern science, or anything famous. It has in fact been noticed and named by yours truly.

What is the Alpha Centauri Effect? Much like its name sake, it is actually not just one concept, but several concepts that are close enough in nature to fall under one term. Variations on it exist, which I will attempt to describe to you.

Variation One

Groups of people who choose to be together physically, (or sometimes just emotionally), have their own character. A specific blend of personalities, strengths and beauty. When individuals that are particularly beautiful to us in their own right are convene together, all the greater is the impression of the collective. Furthermore, while within the framework of that group each individual is, in some way, enhanced; their own personal contributions to the group are strengthened. Their personal beauty more apparent.

To a casual outside observer the beauty of the whole group may be attributed to any one given member, or series of members. And while each person of course possesses their own unique luminescence, it is not the same, or as powerful, as that of the entire group. It is only once outsiders get close enough sometimes that they realize the beauty they were assigning to one individual is in fact that of the collective.


Variation Two

Again, when we first meet someone we like, we tend to see the fairest, brightest qualities within them, when most of what surrounds them is less appealing. (Light and dark.) We overlook the fact that most people are at best a duality of some sort, and are probably multi-faceted, with some facets good, many facets bad. But so shines the brightness of that quality which endears us to them, we see that facet, that presentation, that persona, as the entire picture. We think that what we see is one, complete, convenient package of a “star”, when in fact any given person is many different concepts in very close proximity to each other. Only when we are allowed to get closer do we realize this. If it is not too late, and we do not crash and burn right into the star(s) in question.

Variation Three

This is when people who posses their own brightness, personal beauty, and individual contributions are unnoticed from a distance by others, because of their proximity to other, bigger and brighter stars. In other words, perfectly valid people who find themselves filling the role of the Proximo Centauri, that get lost in the hype, charisma, and popularity of those that others find more “interesting”. They cannot seem to break away from the other group, for various reasons, and form their own system. If they did, they too would be seen and admired for what they were, all by themselves. But as it stands, they remain enslaved by the personal gravity of others, either by association, or by similarity of mission or occupation or environment. A pull from which they cannot escape; an escape they cannot even ask for help in obtaining, because as mentioned, most people do not know they are there, unless closer examination is taken of the situation.

Variation Four

Wherein we perceive that which is bright and beautiful to be closer than it really is. We see people shine somehow, and we think we start to know someone, but we do not. We become convinced that we are loved, but, in fact, we are not. So deep seated is our fear to admit that really most of anything between us and another person is nothing but cold dark empty space, that we use terms like “close”, “bright”, “beautiful” or even “love”. But like Alpha Centauri, close is a relative term, and in fact means that we are not that close to them as a person, (or a group of people) at all.


These are the four known Variations on the Alpha Centauri Effect. You may have noticed that a few things pull all of the variations together.

One of the common threads between all four variations is the distance. The “illusions” we see, about people or about stars, are due in large part to the distance we stand from them. From a safe distance things are easier. They require less energy to take in. We don’t get close enough to see the individual, or the facets of an individual because that is work. We enjoy the brightness they give off to us, and absorb whatever energy they may be giving off, until such time as we move on from them, either out of boredom, laziness or fear.

Yet another more positive common thread may be present amongst the Four Variations. The idea that we all look to the night sky, with naked eyes, to see what is there. To capture beauty “naturally”. The things telescopes and satellites can show us are amazing to the intellect, but lack the poignant beauty of looking straight up into a starry night, unencumbered by technology.

Floating around in our blackness, we long for beauty, and brightness. And the same is true with people. We want to be around that which is beautiful among people. We are so starved for it that we will eventually accept what our eyes see amongst the night time of our lives, even once our mind knows otherwise. We look to the sky, and accept that two stars are in fact one big star, the third brightest in the sky. We do so because a single bright star is a thing of beauty to us, even though our mind remembers it is really two stars. Our eyes and our heart see but one thing…Alpha Centauri…and that is the truth we accept.

Is doing so a folly? In human affairs does a desire to love and be enraptured by the beauty we perceive trump the knowledge that says it is more than we see? Are we wrong to seek the beauty of the stars or of people? Are people wrong to not look closer at what a star really is? Is it a sin to want to lie to ourselves sometimes, if only to escape the fact that 4.5 light years of nothing lies between us and the next closest being? 

And is what we see really an illusion, just because it is not scientifically true??

I don’t know. Do you?

Earth Angel Moments

Remember that part in Back to the Future when that goofy looking bastard with the huge mouth cuts in on George and Lorraine at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance? George begins to walk off, dejected, and Marty begins to fade from existence because this would seem to indicate that his parents will never get together and conceive him. Yet at the last minute George returns, shoves big-mouth to the floor, and kisses Lorraine like the stud he has become. The two fall in love and  Marty, along with his future, exist again. Yay!

I call that the "Earth Angel" moment, because if you will recall, that is the song the band was singing at the time, and they hit on the chorus just as Marty leaps totally back into the space-time continuum. A moment where the one very important first domino is knocked over, thus causing the proper chain reaction that leads to the rest of everything.

We all have them, and I often wonder about my own Earth Angel Moments.

What makes such a moment? First and foremost, it is in fact a moment. For example, you cannot say, getting a PhD was an Earth Angel Moment because it wasn't a moment. It was a long, drawn out process. It may have begun with a moment, but the actual attainment is not a moment. Unless something very significant happened at the actual physical moment the degree was placed in your hand.

It also has to be the seed of something good. True, something that starts out good can either turn bad, or have bad branch off consequences. And we can learn and be shaped by pain, I realize that. Yet to qualify in my mind as an Earth Angel Moment, that which radiates from the moment must be, when taken as a whole, an important, positive quantity. (In Marty's case, his existence.) A moment that if it did not happen, you wouldn't be as well off as you are now in some way. Think of the movie: what sort of moment in your life, if it were a movie, would cue the band to play the swelling part of the score as it happened on screen?

Of course the very nature of the Earth Angel Moment is one that usually precludes you from being aware of it as it happens. Without the benefit of a time traveling DeLorean I cannot be certain at the time when I am experiencing something that will change everything eventually. So I rely on retrospect.

Some I can be certain of. The moment I opted to take Acting 101 in college instead of Pottery 101. Going to my first party in college. (It didn't even require puking or anything!) Making a phone call to a specific director of a community show some years after college whom I had been referred to. No doubt things would have been drastically different if any of those things had not occurred.

Then there are those moments that feel as though they are the start of something important, but only time can tell. Starting this blog. Finding a homemade floral headband in a park two summers ago. Deciding to try freelancing. And so on. They have the potential to be Earth Angel Moments when I look back on them later.

In either case I find thinking about Earth Angel Moments to be a healthy and fun exercise. Not only does it remind me of how things sometimes go right even for me, it also reminds me that any given moment could unlock a sequence of events that leads to something major. A career. A spouse. Or something I can't even think of yet.

What were some of your Earth Angel Moments?

Fighting for Joy

The opposite of joy would seem to be depression. And in certain metrics it would be so. But I have come to believe that just as often, the opposite of joy is cynicism. 

I have a healthy cynicism in regards to many things: People who are always happy. Love at first sight. Many social media gurus. Sometimes social media itself. A large percentage of organized religion. Certain things will always bring out the cynic in me, and I am glad of that. But like many things, it can be overdone. Sometimes I think I am a cynic for too long in regards to too many things.

To be frank, I am that way with reason. I've not had the best of luck when it comes to friendships, romance, business, or employment. I've had no mentors, and virtually no help of any kind throughout my life to get anything important off the ground. Read back over this blog to learn more about that sort of thing. Yet I think that my justified cynicism has sometimes leaked into other areas of my daily life and affected same in ways that are not always healthy.

Allergy sufferers know what histamines are. They are natural and vital compounds in the body which fight off what the body believes are harmful invaders. In the case of an allergy though, histamines go apeshit and  overcompensate; they flood the system in defense against something that otherwise would pose little threat. Our own bodies' medicine then becomes our enemy. The result? Swollen, watery eyes. Runny nose. Cough. Rash, etc. To feel better, we take anti-histamines. Drugs designed to actually fight our own bodies fighters. Part of our own defenses end up working against us and have to be tamed. My cynicism sometimes acts like an overzealous histamine. It seeks to defend the joyous but ends up overrunning it.

By joy I do not mean the breath taking, life changing peak experiences of which we all have maybe a half-dozen in life. Nor do I mean that joy has to be skipping about through the meadows. I refer to the best parts of any given week in the life. Or those few elevated moments each day where the fact that you have the day outweighs everything you have to deal with on said day.

Please don't misunderstand. I do feel that kind of joy. Certain activities bring it. The company of certain individuals do so as well. Sometimes even reading an article or listening to music can bring me the simple joy to which I am referring. So I am not a stranger to the idea. Yet I have determined it is time for it to be a more frequent part of my life. But how?

I have talked to "joyful" people as well as read their writings. I ask them what it is that allows them to experience joy as often as they do. Many answer "I just choose to. I can decide to be unhappy, or decide to be happy. I choose happy."

In most cases, I believe people when they say that. (Though my cynicism is standing in the doorway peering in whenever I hear that advice.) It is not for me, however. As much as I, and anyone would like to believe that joy is a simple matter of deciding, the reality is that for many people who are Too XYZ like myself, it will always be more than a simple choice.

No, I need that spiritual anti-histamine. Something(s) that will counteract the excess cynicism, but leave the useful, healthy, and appropriate cynicism intact. It sounds like an irony, but I may have to fight for more joy. Yet the fact that it may require more effort and time doesn't make joy any less important, does it?

Staying away from people who piss me off. Refusing to find ways to tolerate people that have been intolerable for years. Striving to make new joyful friends. Thinning out my Facebook friends list. Reading success stories of people outside of my own field. Having an element of inspiration show up in some of my fiction. Even the simple act of responding to something with silence. All of these things, and more, are weapons in the fight for joy that I have been collecting. More needs to be done, and given who I am I may never reach the levels of joy some of you posses. (I know some incredibly happy people...) But the effort is worth it. Perhaps the effort itself will bring more joy?

How do you bring joy into your life? Any suggestions?

Why Introverts Hate Small Talk

I don't like small talk. No. I hate it. The surprise factor of this statement should hover somewhere near zero for anyone who has read this blog, or who knows me personally. I am an introvert, and in general, we don't do the small talk thing.

But why? Even extroverts who have read about introverts know that we don't do small talk, but can't see what the big deal is. Small talk is such a part of our society, yet half of that very society cannot stand it. I cannot speak for 100% of Introvertkind, but I will lay out some of the reasons I hate it which I think are common to many introverts.

-To begin with, it is exactly the same every time. Anywhere. If you are engaging me in small talk, it means you are treating me in the precise same manner when you approach me as you did the last stranger you approached. And depending on the venue, I may have just seen you approach the person right before me and heard you ask the same asinine questions of them. Just as I will hear you ask them to the person by the punch bowl once you have decided our conversation is over. 

-It's not a conversation. It's a metric. You are using it to determine the nature of a new person. How they react, how they speak, what they feel like when engaged. It is a horrible way of getting to know me because I hate being tested, and I will usually act accordingly. I don't have to be rude, but the cues will be there that the nature of the conversation makes me uncomfortable because I know I will be judged by how well I perform at the task. 

-Small talk is expected. Want to make sure I, and many other introverts don't do something? Insist that it is what we are expected to do by everyone else.

-It is irrelevant. If an introvert has decided to leave home and bring himself to a place full of people he doesn't know, chances are there was a very good reason for it. The reason for the gathering or the meeting. It probably was not easy for him to come, and isn't a walk in the park to stay. He'd like to get on with the specific reason he attended this function. (Or worse, the reason he was summoned, if you have some kind of authority over him.) Unless the meeting was called to discuss the crab dip and the heat wave, I am not going to be  receptive to such talk, despite outward attempts to be polite.

-Small talk is inauthentic. Look, I sympathize with those who use small talk to a degree. I really do. For an extrovert it is a valuable tool to ease into a conversation, and possibly a friendship with a new person. But if they are honest even extroverts will admit that it is just a tool. That even they are not the least bit interested in how difficult it was for me to drive to this building, or if I ran into any traffic on the way. They know that they don't really care, and I certainly know they don't care. It is a rouse to start talking to someone new. But I would rather be approached cold with an authentic question, then be warmed up by the small talk.

-It's a waste of resources. Mindless small talk requires little brain power. Introverts spend most of their time thinking. Processing ideas. Finding themselves engaged in small talk slams on the brakes of their active brain. The subjects are so empty, there is no need to form an opinion and/or argument that they can then share with those around them.  Like renting the biggest self-storage unit in the city and storing nothing in it but a roll of paper towels. It is space and money wasted. Small talk is like that roll sitting in the vast expanse of the mind to an introvert. It's a waste of resources.

-It lacks creativity. Many introverts are creative types, and few things are as bereft of creativity as small talk.

All of this may sound like I am denigrating those who are both good at and enjoy small talk. That is not my intention. My main purpose today is to shine more light on why I and other introverts like myself despise small talk. Because the more I am honest about the reasons, instead of just repeating how much I hate it, the more likely it is someone out there will take an extra moment and consider a new way to approach known introverts. And if that happens, more people win.

Do you do small talk?

And Ty Unglebower, as Himself

In my 11 years as a stage actor, I have played many roles. I have even played myself. Or, as the director of the production at the time put it, "an enhanced, stereotyped version of yourself." So in one play I was, "Ty Unglebower".

But that was a play. A unique play under unique circumstances. Yet at times I, like many people, can get caught up in playing "Ty Unglebower" in everyday life off stage as well.

It is a natural and sometimes unfortunate tendency in our society to categorize. Create labels for people. Place them in easily accessible slots. And I don't just mean with strangers. We do it with our friends as well. Perhaps even more so with our friends than with those we do not know.

Here is an example. Think of your "gang." The ones that you will probably be with on a free Saturday night once a month or something. Now be honest with yourself when I ask this; Does that group contain "The Dumb One"? Is "The Horny One" in there somewhere? And I bet there is "The Quiet One". If not these three there has to be "The XYZ One" in your group. See what I mean?

These labels may have had some slight basis on truth in the beginning. "The Quiet One" really isn't worried about working the room. "The Dumb One" probably talks before she thinks more often than others. Yet without anyone truly intending it, consider that those labels have gone from wide descriptions to expectations. That after a few years of adventures and tribulations together as a group, the label has begun to define the person, and not the other way around.

Sally is the "Dumb One". But if you are not careful, her opinions will be dismissed out of hand when the topic is complex. Or they will be skipped over. Or she won't be able to finish her thought. Why? Because she's "The Dumb One". Her role is to be cute and bubbly in the group, not deep. And so if thought is involved, you pat Sally on the head and move on. At least that's how it starts.

But then something even worse happens. At some point Sally doesn't offer anything to the discussion. She accepts that she is the "Dumb One" and starts to believe it. When the group goes out she says dumber and sillier things as time goes on, and never pays attention to the serious side of things, knowing that she should not be taken seriously at such times. Sally has become her label. The group's expectations based on that label have become Sally's own. Sally now plays the role of "The Dumb One" in the play that is your life, instead of being Sally as a whole person. After all, the group won't accept or love her anymore if she starts acting like something other than "The Dumb One".  She is now "Sally".

Have you seen this happen? Have you been a part of creating a role for someone you know? Or have you yourself become the victim of your own role? I have.

"Ty Unglebower" stands up near a corner of the room, observing those who are dumber than he is. He wears jeans and golf shirts. He doesn't like to be touched by anyone ever because warmth and affection disgust him. He remains silent until something in the room reminds him of a topic by which he is annoyed or confused, at which point he will lash out loudly in an enthusiastic rant of high vocabulary, much to the uproarious laughter of those nearby. The world pisses him off. People piss him off. And he wants everyone to know just how damn clever he can be in expressing that sentiment.

Ty Unglebower is an introvert who sometimes feels crowded in a small room. He likes to be near the wall sometimes because it is easier to see where everyone and everything is. Jeans and golf-shirts are not only comfortable to him, but fit in with 90% of occasions, thus eliminating the need to have a fashion sense.

He respects the boundaries of other people, and thinks it is only fair that others who do not yet know him respect his.

He doesn't need to be the center of attention very often, preferring to engage one on one with the people in the room that matter. But when he is the center of attention of the whole room, usually as a result of someone asking him to be, he is damn sure not going to sanitize his answers to a question. As a writer he considers language to be an important tool, and hence puts in extra effort to use it well, in all circumstances. He is pleased when his friends are entertained by this, but speaks the same way at home to his mother. He is world-weary and has a shortage of close, personal friends, and that has in some ways forged his viewpoints, though he tries to alter them as time goes on. If he is clever it is because he has been exposed to many things in his life, and has made the specific effort, on the lifelong advice of his mother, to always pay attention. (Another reason he likes the corner.)

Ty Unglebower can become "Ty Unglebower" at the drop of a hat. It doesn't happen as often as it used to, I have to say. But the urge to rant because I am "The Ranter", or the sense of expectation that I won't introduce myself to anyone new because I am the "Aloof One" can be pretty large at times, even today.

You don't have to succumb to your role. I have a right to dance any given night I feel I want to. Sally has every right and ability to express her views on the complex subjects that come up. "The Horny One" should certainly expect to be left alone if she is in no mood for interaction tonight. It all starts with the choice to not play ourselves. It all starts with writing own own scene, and not taking all of our cues from the audience.

What role do you play in the production of your life? What is your label? Do you know anybody who has one of these labels I mentioned, and do you ever think if that label is fair?

Down with Inertia. Sometimes.

I hope to be out of this tiny, ancient apartment by Christmas this year.

I have been here more than two and a half years. Most people stay in this ancient building no more than six months to a year. It is sort of an in-between situations type of building, so I have been here longer than most tenants.

I moved in here as a sort of last minute solution to a problem. My brother lived here before me, and he worked it out with the landlord; if I moved in right away, the rent would stay the same for me as it was for my brother. I wasn't quite ready, but I accepted, thinking that in a year or so, my finances would improve enough to afford something better.

My finances didn't improve, sadly, and still have not. Neither has the apartment. If anything, some of the difficulties are even worse now than they used to be. I won't bore you with the particulars in that regard, but suffice to say if I listed the problems here, you'd wonder why I didn't move out long ago.

The answer to that legitimate question is what makes this topic worthy of this blog. I have not moved out yet because like with many things, I have been Too XYZ to do so.

I have had it in my head that I have not earned the right to move out. I hate the idea of being labeled a flibbertigibbet who runs around living in 12 places a year, so a large part of me has figured that if this place has a roof to keep the rain out, and a heater to keep me warm in the winter, with running water to wash in, I have no right to live anywhere else until I am rich enough to live anywhere. I know it seems weird, but that is how my head works. And since my finances did not improve, I felt obligated to stay here. Even if I could find a place that is the exact same financial burden, I felt I had to stay here until I could make more money. That wasting the time and energy I have been given on moving out, when staying here is still safe, was somehow a sin.

Put more simply, inertia is keeping me in place.

But in recent months, not only have certain things about living here gotten worse, things in my mind have changed as well. I have begUn to believe, or at least force myself to believe, that sometimes change for the sake of change is good, when it comes to venues.

We need not treat venues like people.  They have no feelings. We don't have to treat them with particular consideration. They don't care if you stay in them, or leave. They don't care if you are good or bad. They are buildings. It is I that have the feelings, and if mine are not operating at optimum levels because of where I live, I deserve to try something else. Shifting around doesn't require a special invitation or permission. It just requires it being possible, and it is possible, if I don't try to live outside of my humble means in my next apartment.

Nor do I have to justify myself to others. Two and a half years in a less than ideal place should inoculate me from being seen as flippant with my life. Yet even if they do see me as a flibbertigibbet, I shouldn't let that matter. If I can legally, and safely, and responsibly change my venue, I should. Simple as that. Sometimes being somewhere just wears out its usefulness in our lives. Though I am Too XYZ to always feel justified in making a change to benefit my comfort, the place someone lives and spends the lion's share of their time should not be a place of misery. It may not be perfect, and I may not be able to afford luxury, but the law of averages indicates I should be able to at least find something better for me. And in so doing maybe somebody who would find this place perfect for their needs could move in.

Comfort and peace matter, even if it requires a bit of an extra pain in the ass to obtain them.

Have you ever let illogical inertia keep you from doing something, no matter how minor, that would make you feel more at ease with life?

The Too XYZ Road Show

This weekend was a fun, rewarding, and in many ways an Un-Ty sort of weekend. Perhaps it was exciting because it was so Un-Ty like, and rewarding because it may have in some ways changed what it is to be "Ty-Like."

I am not an advocate of making specific efforts to "get out of your comfort zone". In fact the concept is so oversold online these days that I don't even like to use the term "get outside your comfort zone", but I use it for the sake of making a point.

And that point is you shouldn't be uncomfortable for the sake of being uncomfortable. While many people think doing so is the key to personal evolution, I say it's a mild form of martyrdom complex unless the discomfort is in service to a greater good. In my case, spending time with a friend and showing support for her on her birthday were the good things that far outweighed some of my discomforts.And in so doing, I became comfortable with more things. Hence, a legitimate "outside of your comfort zone" approach.

Here are some examples from this weekend of my being "Un-Ty" like in pursuit of something good.

Being a house guest.

I think I am a bit Too XYZ to be a house guest sometimes. During my stay at someone's house I always feel the need to help clean, or make food, or add a deck to the back of the house. Anything that makes me a full fledged and functional part of whatever household I am in at the time. Most hosts insist I don't worry about any of those things, and my friend was no exception. (Though she did let me squeeze the limes for lime juice she needed for something she was making.) I always feel I need to "earn" the right to be taking up space and consuming food in somebody's home if I am going to be there for more than a few hours. Yet once I just relaxed and reminded myself I was there to celebrate a person, and not be Mr. Belvedere, I was able to feel a little better.


Being a house guest II


I will usually opt to go home late into the night from someone's house instead of sleeping there unless 1) the weather becomes atrocious for driving (frequent around here), 2) I have had too much to drink (rare), or 3) I feel like an honorary member of the family whose home I find myself in. (Has yet to occur.)

This is not to say I have never spent the night in other people's homes of course, because I have, and did this weekend. There is just something in my brain, no matter how nice the accommodations are that says, at least for a while, This is not your home. Your radio is not tuned to this radio station, and sleep is impossible. Ergo, I sleep poorly. I'm okay in hotels, but other people's homes...I don't know. It's a subconscious thing. Even if I know them well.

I got over it this weekend, though. In fact I actually slept pretty good some of the time. Just had to remember I was there by invitation and that I was part of everything, not an invasion upon it. (Though getting up at on Friday at 6:00AM and going to bed at 6:00AM my second night probably helped me crash a bit too.)

Knowing the "Plan"

I am not a control freak. I don't need to control everything that happens around me. But I am sometimes a "knowledge freak". By that I mean that if I am not careful I can get caught up in having to know where I am going, at what time, and for how long. Yet this weekend there was very little of that. I decided I would go with whatever flow my friend created. This was her hometown, her birthday, her deal. And she had to go through enough hoops just to get my sorry ass there and home again because I don't drive long distances. (That much has not changed.) So I felt she was entitled to just go, and I would follow. And that is exactly what I did. I put aside any temptation I had understand everything, and just went with it.

I just did what she did. If she took this flight of steps that seemed to descend into the ancient catacombs, I would be right behind her. (Or try to be, I almost lost her in the shuffle a few times.) I didn't try to reason out the patterns and systems of streets and trains and tracks and so on. Just went.

That got easy after about three seconds. Just going. Abandoning a need to decipher the why and how came faster than I would have thought. Probably because everything moves so fast in situations like that. Plus I learned that if you just trust friends, they can lead you where you need to go. And you get to see and experience a lot on the way. I finally got to see some Non-Postcard New York, which I had never been to before, as well as the more real parts of Jersey City, and Hoboken.

Party!

And I mean party. No joke, it was the second biggest private party I ever attended. And the first place big party was full of friends. I knew exactly one person this weekend, so in a way it was bigger after all.

As I told my friend, I am usually a small informal soiree type, or an outdoor barbecue type. I have many friends in West Virginia who have such events many times throughout the year. A few people, beer, food, talking. Thrown together in a week. There you go. This weekend, I would say this party peaked at 50 people in an average sized apartment. A lot of drink, a lot of food. Not to mention a lot of work on the part of my hostess to put it all together. (Except for the limes. I did that part.) Music, dancing. Lots of shoulder to shoulder super party "epicness" as the kids say these days.

I had a good time, but in this case I was still Too XYZ to fully engage as most of the locals were doing. I am not the most introverted person I know, but I am indisputably on the spectrum. Which meant I spent much of the evening as an observer, in a chair at the food table. (This served two obvious purposes.) Several of the people I met that night wanted to know why I didn't move about, or dance more instead of sitting there watching.

It can be tricky to explain to people I don't know why I need to do this. In fact people who have known me for years still don't quite grasp it. But as an introvert I need to let certain experiences filter into my consciousness in a gradual fashion. There is just too much humanity in a party of that magnitude for someone like me to jump in headlong. Many people are electrified by that, which is great. For me however, exposure to it can be draining under the best of conditions.

It is for the same reason I had to step outside to be alone periodically. Not because I wasn't enjoying myself. Not because the extroverts and seasoned party goers offended me. I just needed to step away sometimes to recalibrate. And even though my friend was going about enjoying herself as she should have been on her birthday, and I didn't see much of her directly during the party portion of my trip, my presence was a way to honor her and thank her for being a friend of mine. Even when I had to get away for a while.

When we make it about someone else and not ourselves we can do all kinds of things we would not normally find ourselves doing, as I said before. It won't change our stripes, as evidenced by my reluctance to dance, or my choice to stop drinking after 1:00 that morning. Those are things about me that remain. But other people make it worth it. True, it's not like I could go home even if I decided to, since I hadn't driven there. But that is not at all the point. The point is I chose of my own free will to attend a party that was larger than I am used to because it wasn't about me. That made even the very Un-Ty atmosphere enjoyable for the most part.

Dancing

Flying totally into the face of what I just mentioned in the previous section, I did dance a bit. I have good rhythm, and back in school I used to dance at the dances a lot. So I am no stranger to it. But there is no way in hell I was going to be able to compete with either the stamina or abandon of some of the party guests. Yes, I realize that dancing at a party is about getting out there, and not about style or form or anything. But that is just the point. Being "out there" is not my strongest suit, and dancing is one of the most "out there" things a person can do in a room full of strangers. A room full of friends would be one thing, maybe, but I didn't know these people, so I was usually disinclined to dance.

But I did a little. It was easier to do when it was just about me dancing for a moment with a single other person who asked me to dance, as opposed to dancing all over the place as the others were. Also easier when I wanted to make sure people knew I didn't consider myself better than them in some way. That was important. You have to sometimes do as the Romans do, as the saying goes. Nothing wrong with that, even for someone that is Too XYZ. But I did sit more than I danced, and had to decline a few times later in the night. But I felt okay about it, because I had let myself wade in the pool, as it were.

Sharing Opinions

Is there anything more insufferable than someone you don't know walking up to you and offering their world perspective or opinions on what you have been discussing? No, "hello" or "My name is Jack." Just walking up to a group at a party and saying something like,

"Actually I find his movies to be so pretentious. He tries to be derivative of Fellini without being obvious about it, which makes it worse."

Okay, thanks for your input. And you are?


But in actual fact, this is more about me being Too XYZ, because I have found in many cases people welcome this. It blows me away sometimes how free people are with their opinions with strangers. More than once this weekend I observed the conversations that were going on around me, but didn't jump in with my own ideas. You see, except around my closest friends, I am built to hold my opinions until asked for them. Even then, I proceed with caution, because when I am the "new guy" as I was this weekend, I think it is my duty to pay attention and know what the conversation is, but not derail or or alter it in anyway. As a guest I feel I should be as unobtrusive on a pre-existing group of people as possible. So I rarely offer anything.

Yet several times this weekend I was asked by people I didn't know for my opinion on something. And I gave it. I still felt a bit like I was trying on somebody else's shoes, but I did it. And I realized that I need to be willing to do that, and in fact probably should have done more of it this weekend. So caught up in experiencing and observing and trying to not be obtrusive was I that I may have painted myself at times into a corner of nothingness to those around me.

My older friends know that I am seldom unaware or uninvolved in what is happening around me, even if I seem totally detached. They know that my ear is to the ground. But I should have remembered that not everyone is going to realize that at first, and that I run the risk of appearing bored, unconcerned or "holier-than thou" by not offering my thoughts on some things. At least minor ones. So I all too late learned that lesson from this weekend. But I did learn it. Or I should say, I was reminded of it, because I have had to learn this lesson more than once. Time for it to stick, I think. But that may be a Too XYZ thing as well. Time will reveal the answer to that one.

In all of these ways, and more, my being Too XYZ showed up this weekend. Sometimes it remained firmly in place, and I wasn't able to change something about myself, regardless. (Stepping outside during the party.) Sometimes I was surprised at how easy it was for me to set aside my more natural tendencies. (Not needing to understand everything that was about to happen.) Most of the time it was an equal blend. Knowing that I am not by default built a certain way, but being willing, for the sake of the people involved, to put in an effort to see and experience things differently than I am used to.

That in the end is the key to it all, isn't it? To know what your boundaries are, and accept what you cannot change about yourself, but at the same time showing a willingness to adapt, change and expand those aspects of you that are not embedded into your very DNA. Not "just because". Not for the sake of change. Not to jump out of your comfort zone because that is what the gurus tell you to do. But in pursuit of getting more out of life in a specific setting. In pursuit of a deeper, richer experience. In pursuit of a greater understanding of not just other people and the world around you, but of yourself. Nobody should be Too XYZ for that, and thanks to my friend, her friends, and a weekend in New Jersey I was reminded of that important truth. And it will stick with me.

And I tried falafel for the first time while I was there. It was good.

Do you go outside of your norms just for the sake of it, or with a purpose in mind? What sort of conditions make it worth it to step outside of your comfort zone? What is a recent example of you doing so for a greater good? How were you affected?

Moderated Anonymity

If you have ever left a comment here on this blog or over on Always Off Book, you are aware of two things. The first being that I moderate comments, and the second is that I allow anonymous comments. Neither concept is popular throughout the blogosphere. Some even prefer a blog that allows no comments to a blog that allows anonymous but moderated comments. Let's take these two unpopular concepts one at a time.

I do moderate comments. I have heard all of the reasons not to do so. That it makes me seem paranoid. Tyrannical. Unwilling to accept criticism of my ideas. Expresses a need for control that people find off putting. And many others. None of them apply of course. But I fail to see the purpose of allowing just any kind of incoherent, rambling, rude or threatening comment to grace the pages of my blog. How does letting the comment, "fuck you and your liberal whining" increase the value of my blog, or enhance my ever so important (tongue in cheek) "personal brand"? It doesn't. Just as I avoid belligerent people in real life when I see them yelling and screaming on the street, I avoid them online. And just as I would not allow them into my home, I am not going to allow them on my blog. My blog is not community property. It is public, but it is still mine.

I don't edit comments for content. I don't filter out comments that express respectful disagreement with the point I am raising. Many have said, "but unless you turn off moderation, we, the readers have no way of knowing you are telling us the truth about who you censor and who you do not!" In response I ask, who is paranoid now?

Anonymous posting is not skewered quite so often as moderated/approved comments, but is still frowned upon in my experience. This one is a little more confusing to me, but the argument goes something like this: If I don't require people to somehow identify themselves I am not only freeing them of the responsibility of their comments, but I am defeating the entire purpose of a blog which is to network with those who have other ideas.

If someone doesn't want to use their name when they write a comment, fine. That is their business. I am not here to hold them up to some sort of standard of accountability. Personally I would rather have ten well written anonymous comments on a post then one half-assed comment with a name and link attached to it. Some people just won't comment if they have to a) identify themselves or b) register with some service. If something I wrote inspires such people to reply, they shouldn't be held back from doing so.

I comment as "Anonymous" sometimes. I do it because on any given thread I want it to be about the idea I am presenting more so than about who I am. Yes, I want to meet people, and I want people to read my blog, but counter to most personalities in the current generation, I don't feel I have to always be self promoting. Sometimes I really do just want to say something without attaching my name to it. And no, it doesn't mean I have something to hide. It just means that I want to explore an idea with someone, not an identity. I give others the same privilege.

As to networking being the entire purpose of a blog, I can't buy into that wholesale. Blogging is one good way to network. But networking to me is more organic than it is for most. It comes about by engaging with people that have mutual interests or similar thoughts. My blog is about ideas and questions. Sharing. It is not about networking just because networking often results. So I want people to feel free to reflect on what I say and share their thoughts on it. Help me learn something just as they learned something. If that means I make a connection great, but if not, at least I have spurred an ongoing conversation. And that is why I blog.

One of the first blog posts I ever wrote over five and a half years ago remains one of the most commented upon in my collection. It still gets comments to this day, and half of them end up being anonymous. I wish more of my posts got that much attention, but even so, I'm happy to have it.

So it isn't about a power trip, revisionism, abdicating responsibility or fear of commitment or any such thing. I just believe that we have so little control over the coming and goings in this life that when we own a piece of cyberspace, we might as well make it easy to use, free of spam and vitriol, and hope that it speaks to others.

No, I'm Not Happy for Jane.

I am Too XYZ to be inspired by the success of my peers.

The easy explanation would be jealousy. I want what they have. I cannot deny some of that may be at work. To some being jealous of other people is a sin. To others it is a motivation. To me, however, it is neither. It just sits there, in whatever quantity it decides to show up in for any given person or situation. It has zero effect on what I am capable of doing, one way or the other. It neither holds me back nor spurs me forward. My movement is my movement.

Which to me the bigger part of it is frustration and/or confusion. I see people who started blogging after I did, who are now making money doing so. People are are getting noticed and becoming quasi-famous. The social expectation is that I rejoice.

"Jane, I am so happy for you! You started off, worked hard, paid your dues, and now you are finally being rewarded for it!"

And sometimes I really do feel that happy for someone getting somewhere. Especially if it is somewhere I am not trying to go. But as often as not, I silently shake my head and say, "Here we go again."

Here we go again with someone else I know making good with a formula I busted my ass over to no avail. Here we go with the endless congratulatory tweets flooding our mutual Twitter feed. Here come the guest posts, the notoriety, the money. And worse of them all, the "you can do it too!" affirmations and the "aren't you so happy for Jane?" gushings that come from our mutual connections.

No, I am not happy for Jane. Why should I be happy for Jane, exactly? Her success does not bring me any success. Nothing I did was in any way related to her attaining her success. And frankly, if my history over the last two years in social media is any indication, Jane will very quickly find little time to speak to me, or return my emails anymore because she has gotten really busy with all of the phone calls and new work that has just flooded in her direction since her blog was mentioned on BigImportant.Com. In other words, a cost/benefit analysis of me has dropped my value in Jane's eyes significantly because I am still sitting here struggling with Too XYX on Blogger (how dare I?) and an average of 30 views per post. (On a good day.) I sometimes express doubt and fear on top of that. I am therefore not a positive energy flow for her, and should be avoided.

Or perhaps I am not kissing her ass enough, I don't know. It may amount to the same thing.

No, I don't especially feel happy for Jane. Nor am I in the mood to be told that I should. That her success doesn't mean I cannot also succeed if I do what she did.

That's part of the problem. I don't want to do what Jane did. I am not built to do it Jane's way, or your way. And though Jane and a lot of other people would rather cut their own throats on a live web-feed than admit this, they are lucky. At least at some point in time they got flat out stupid lucky, and nothing you say will ever convince me otherwise. And no matter how XYZ you are, you cannot replicate somebody elses luck.

I'm a student of history, so I am 23 steps ahead of all of you readers who are about to quote Thomas Jefferson's view of luck to me. The fact is, I do work at things. Hard. And I think it is the impression the Jane worked hard, and I do not which really makes it most difficult for me to celebrate along with the whole world as Jane sails. The impression that her advancement is due to work and positive thinking, so my stagnation must be due to me negativitiy and laziness. I have few trophies, so there is little reason for Twitter to be all aglow about how much work I have done to keep my head above water, or do the things with which I am uncomfortable.

My hard work may not be your hard work, but for the resources I have, it is just as hard if not harder, because the fruits of my labor are much smaller. Yet my hard work is easily dismissed by the vast majority of Janes out there, along with her cyber-sycophants. They refuse to believe that a person can be Too XYZ for cocktail parties and blog conventions and business card exchanges. They are literally under the impression that with a few select tough love stances they can reverse within me an entire lifetime worth of introversion and poor luck. They feel they can make me a superstar just by telling me to get out there, read a million books (all of which are the same), and start living. And yes, the first step is being happy for Jane when she makes it by doing half as much as I have done. To do otherwise is to be bitter, and bitter people never succeed.

What I am doing is my best at writing good content, marketing that content, meeting as many new people as I can in the manner that I am capable, asking people for help, offering mine, being persistent, and...getting absolutely nowhere in the process.

And then, when Jane and all of the others like her have exhausted all of their advice (assuming they bother to give me any), they eventually do one of two things. They tell me, "well, you are just going to have to change. I don't know what to tell you." Or they flat out dismiss me as some sort of log thrown in the way of their happy road to stardom which they think will taint their new road to success if approached. Fuck you too, Jane.

Let Jane continue to win by doing all of the ass kissing, story telling, cookie cutting life style choices she wants to make. That's all marketing, and that it works as often as it does is a testament to how dull and pointless much of the online world is. Where originality is punished and caution is seen as weakness. Where bad luck is a heresy and being in poverty is impossible. Let her and others like her soar to the heights that so many others "friends" of mine have soard before due to knowing the right person, or being a pain in the ass long enough to get a guest post somewhere or just otherwise whoring themselves up online. If they can live with themselves, so can I. But I will be damned if I am going to go out of my way and pretend that I am happy for them, just so that I can attract the allegedly helpful people out there who respond most to "hard working, positive thinkers."

Do I not believe that honest, hard working people, who do not sell themselves in the way I have described can get ahead? I do think it happens sometimes. If I am permitted to believe in a lucky break then yes, sometimes very agreeable, honest, and most of all authentic people do get to where they want to get, and beyond. I do believe their hard work can bring them some of those breaks. However if I must dismiss dumb luck from the equation 100%, then no, I don't believe such success stories exist, even for people I like.

But in the end, whether it be luck, or skill, good people or bad ones, authentic folks or media whores, my reaction is the same; their stories do not inspire me. They do not make me think that I can do it, and they do not give me a better view of the world simply because someone who deserved it got someplace they wanted to be. Maybe it is because I am spinning my wheels. Maybe it is because the nature of such people's lives and personalities are so far removed from my own that I simply cannot relate. But the moral of the story is that it can get really difficult hearing all of these success stories on all of these blogs and in all of these Twitter feeds. They serve as a discouragement to me, not an encouragement. And they are everywhere.

Do you in your heart and soul truly feel that happy for colleagues and friends when they succeed while you struggle? Or are your congratulations just the lip service you feel society and the internet expect you to pay in order to make you more apt to receive a bone of your own some day? If you can't answer that here, take some time and answer the question for yourself. Will the answer be what you think it is?

The Death of Bin Laden and Our Reactions to Reactions

Last night was a big night for America in many ways. At least a big night for many Americans, and indeed those throughout the world. Osama Bin Laden, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, was killed by American special forces Pakistan. Crowds gathered outside the White House, at Ground Zero, and several other places to celebrate this fact. (Though from the footage it seems most of the crowd started to deteriorate into drunken debauchery after an hour or so in most locations.)

I, like I imagine everyone else, am still processing this. I don't know exactly how I feel now, and I may never. But I know for certainty that not everyone is celebrating this. And I don't refer to Al-Qaeda.

Yes, there are many reasons that good people have for not being happy about last night's celebrations of news that the most wanted man on Earth had been shot through the head and killed. I don't yet know if I share any of those concerns or not, but the point is that is we are not careful, we can lose sight of the truth about people. That they are very complex creatures.

Between the chants of "USA!" at baseball stadiums, spontaneous performances of The Star Spangled Banner in Times Square, and the eerie solemnity of the echoed voice of the President of the United States in an empty East Room that announced this death to the world, we must remember that the exuberance is not universal among decent people.

In the coming weeks much will be said about those who were quiet in the bars. Those who didn't post anything on Facebook, or more "dangerously", posted thoughts of sadness and mercy. Thoughts and emotions unfairly deemed by the masses as almost seditious. We must remain vigilant against this just as much as we must remain vigilant against a retaliatory strike against us.

My point does not apply only to the Bin Laden news, however. But the story serves as a stark reminder that each of us must not judge anyone by the nature of their visible reactions to something. No matter how universal a particular sentiment may seem, we cannot allow ourselves to forget, as we go about our day and our lives that each person deserves to be evaluated by their individual, inward motivations and moral compass, and not necessarily by their outward expressions and projections. Evil people exist. But do we dare make that determination based on a few moments observing their outward behavior?

The majority, and even the vast majority of sentiments about an event does not determine de facto appropriateness anymore than the rarity of a response determines de facto inappropriateness. Look deep into people when you can, and if you cannot, don't assign motivations to them. You're a better person than that.

Our Mental Tornadoes and Positive Thinking

For several hours this morning my county was hit with a rolling collection of severe storms, each of which had pretty good potential to produce a tornado. (And a few of them did.) That means we were under a "tornado warning" (one is imminent or been spotted) from 4:30AM until about 10:00AM. Nothing as bad as the one that hit Alabama over the last few days, but nonetheless we were all encouraged to seek shelter, or to at least be ready to do so on a moment's notice if we were in the path of this seemingly endless line of storms.

Meteorologists can at best predict when conditions will be favorable for tornadoes, but unless a funnel has actually touched down, they cannot ever be sure one will exist. And even once there is a funnel, there is little predictability to what the hell it is going to do. I hate the unpredictability of such storms.

It got me thinking that I hate unpredictability in obstacles in general. Nothing I go through mentally is as dangerous as people having to face a tornado of course, but the whole thing brought to mind something I have felt for a while. And that is how often career or personal success advice tends to ignore, or dismiss the unpredictable and the unstoppable.

When there is a tornado warning in your area, the first thing the authorities advise you to do is to take shelter. Do not drive, do not try to out run it, and do not stop to take picture or video of a fully formed funnel. Get to a basement or ditch or something and hit the dirt. In essence, the advice is to keep still, and wait (hope) for it to pass you by. And though you won't hear the people on the Weather Channel put it in this fashion, what they are all basically saying is, "You can't do a damn thing about it, so don't be a fool and act like you can."

We have tornado watches and tornado warnings mentally as well. Things that we know are on the horizon, or fear may be destructive, that we are powerless to stop, out run, or in some cases even define. We just know that the conditions in our lives are right for a specific problem. Or that the problem, like a night tornado, is out there somewhere, unseen, but tearing its way towards us. We can do nothing about it. Yet many people try to act as though we can.

Over selling the notion of "positive thinking", optimism, getting up in the morning ready to "tackle any problem" has long frustrated or even angered many a pessimist or realist. Because while the notion of being more upbeat and viewing our situations in a more positive light is certainly appealing and productive, we can't help but heed the tornado warning. Many positive thinking gurus out there tend to think that being optimistic entails defying the storm. In reality, in some cases optimism is simply being able and willing to jump into a ditch and hang on until it's all over. The potential risk is not worth the possible reward for the realist.

I don't doubt many out there will object to my conflation of weather to mental or spiritual obstacles. Yet why? If the issue is an unpredictable and virtually non-trackable obstacle that stands in our way of success, one that moves and pivots seemingly at random and cuts in front of us no matter what we do, is a tornado not a fair metaphor? We is it so hard to believe that we can be trapped, paralyzed, or otherwise cornered by unpredictable and wily intangibles just as much as by a funnel cloud?

There are, in other words, things that we cannot explain, nor control that hold us back. And sometimes they hold us back so much that the best we can do is remain still. Sure a few foolish "heroes" will go out with their camera and their pick up trucks, follow the twister, and nearly get killed or maimed snapping the next shot that will feature on television. But in the end you have to wonder if such people are doing it in order to make themselves or people around them safer, or just so they can say, "hey tornado, I lived, so fuck you," and wait for the applause.

Pessimists are not the way they are because they think it is funny. They have their reasons. Yes it can be over done, and if you are jumping into a ditch in the middle of a sunny day, you probably need to chill. But the reasons for being a pessimist are usually valid on some level. Maybe they are not your reasons, and maybe you, as an eternal optimist have no storm activity you need to worry about with your clear skies and light breezes, but that doesn't mean there are not indications of funnel cloud activity in the lives of others.

But maybe, just maybe you are actually standing out at midnight in the middle of a field totally oblivious to any tornado warnings that have been issued, because you woke up this morning convinced that you can conquer anything. Maybe you need a realist to wake you up and say, "You dumb ass, go find a basement before you get killed."

My positive thinking has never stopped a storm beyond my control. Has yours? Photo courtesy of the NSSL.

A Time For Change? I Ask My Readers

I have been thinking about a few things related to this blog and my social media/internet presence in general. And as you probably gathered from my last post, I have not always been happy with what I see.

Not that I never am. I have met some people, and far more of them have turned out to be nice, than have turned out to be asses. I have gotten some advice from some of the good ones as well. And some of the good ones have written comments here.

Just today I met someone over on Brazen Careerist who complimented me on this blog, and the things I say in it. That is always good to hear.

That being said, it is probably what I say, far more than where I say it that is most important. Being able to easily share my ideas as well as my  talent to as many people as possible as fast as possible is the primary concern of my online activity. And to that end, I have been kicking around the idea of changing the nature of my online presence. This blog doesn't seem to be accomplishing all of the goals I had for it when I created it, and I have pondered if trying things a bit differently would increase my chances of accomplishing more of my personal online goals.

To me, I see five several options.

1) Tighten the focus of this blog even further.

I could make the content even more specific to some aspect of myself, what I do, or what I want. Examples include converting this to a strictly introvert oriented blog. (Which in a sense it is now.) Or perhaps to a blog that is only about my writing adventures, much like Always Off Book is dedicated to my theatre adventures. Or, instead of "Too XYZ" being a general beacon of content, I could revamp every post from now on to very specifically mention the concept. Make every post an exact exploration of a particular way in which I am in fact Too XYZ.

2) Fold this, as well as Always Off Book and other endeavors into a new Ty Unglebower supersite.

This is the more complicated and more expensive approach, but one I have given more consideration to in the last two months than I have previously over the years. Everything I do would be consolidated into one central location. The archives for both of my blogs would survive and be accessible from the supersite, but future posts on a blog would then be posted to the site itself, possibly with tags or separate pages pertaining to each category. (All acting posts together in one place, all Too XYZ type posts in a another.)

I have talked this over with a few people online, and the basic idea seems possible, and as with many things there are about a dozen ways in which the same goal could be accomplished. None of which I totally understand yet. But I have a vision in my head as to how it would work. With one go-to online identity that included pictures, writing samples, a resume, and of course the always evolving blog content, I would feel more free to promote me and all that comes with me as opposed to trying to niche down everything that comes to mind. Pointing to "me" would be easier than directing different people to different places.

I have my online business card for this purpose in theory. But the company has been slow to correct some major bugs in their software, and it has never quite done what it was supposed to do. And even if it did, a supersite may still be in order.

The downside is, I feel that if I combine all aspects of my personal media into one place, each component loses a bit of something. (And in the case of Always Off Book, a project I have been working on for almost six years.) Plus I run the risk of being seen as some kind of Jack of all trades/master of none.

3) Terminate Too XYZ.

Not an easy thing to consider. But I sometimes wonder based on my numbers lately if I am continuing to reach an audience at all. I know I reach specific individuals, because they tell me so. But given how much time I put into writing a post, storing ideas for posts, publishing them, marketing them via BC and Twitter over and over, and getting in most cases little to no feedback on the ideas or posts, I am beginning to wander how much of an impact this blog is really having.

Always Off Book has been my blogging labor of love for as I said six years. I have known for a while few people read that, and it too did not accomplish what I set out for it to accomplish. (Seeing a pattern?) But That is a part of my theatre life now. I won't be getting rid of that totally anytime soon. (Except in a way, with Number 2 above.) So I know how to persist and write for a blog because it is important to me. I just don't know if it is worth the time to do that for two blogs that are not having the impact I had hoped for.

I have to wonder if the overall mission for Too XYZ has been accomplished.

4) Move Too XYZ to WordPress

Despite the fact that I have considered it, this still seems like one of the sillier options. I do not understand the hype about WordPress. I don't understand why people take a blog more seriously by default of it is WordPress than they do if it is Blogger. I find what experimentation I have done with the WordPress template to be quite confusing and counter intuitive. I am a WYSIWYG sort of publisher, and WordPress is far from that.

Yet for some as yet unexplained reason, people seem to think that a WordPress blog, as much of a pain in the ass as it is, is a better blog. Such people make style more important than substance in my view, and I have always choked on the very idea of making my content less important than the box it is in. Yet if there is any chance to beef up my readership somewhat by migrating, it may be worth it.

5) Change Nothing. Continue to promote and build an audience for a while longer.


 Conclusion

The whole point of this recent brainstorming is to correct what I have perceived to be some of the weaknesses with my online presence as of late. There are a huge number of suggested hoops out there through which I will never be able to jump. The vast majority of the promotion and image advice I find out there, even from my decent, well meaning allies is simply not for me. That is not going to change. Yet if there are some smaller hoops out there that I can simply step through slowly which will be of assistance to my online reputation, without forcing me to alter my precepts, I am willing to take a few such steps.

The point of being online afterall is to share ideas. My ideas. The ideas will not change. The direction will not change. But the ideas have to be visible if they are to impact anyone for the better. And lately I am not sure they are getting out there. That is the impetus for these considerations.

So what does everyone think? Which of the five make most sense to you? Or would you advice something totally different? Please let me know, if we have not already talked about it privately. You can leave comments here, or email me if you prefer that.