Brief Thoughts on an Introvert Halloween.

I am a little disappointed this Halloween. I had no Halloween party to go to. You know me. I am not a huge party person, and indeed I would have only gone to any for Halloween had it been of a certain size and attended by certain types of people. Yet no such event took place, and I am a bit let down by it.

Not because I need an excuse to buy candy or beer or play games. I can do all of that at any party. But this year I was going to try something new. I bought some face paint and was going to work up an interesting design to paint on for a party, as opposed to dressing up as something particular. (Every year I say I am going to go all out and get a mega-fancy costume, but it never happens. I usually end up as an NFL referee because someone once gave me a ref shirt as a gag gift.)

I'm not sure, but I think my plan was to paint my face black and white only. Either a black face with white tears running down, or vice-verca. Symbolism? Kind of. Not so much that I am always crying on the inside, but that being an introvert, most things for me are on the inside most of the time, not just tears. A "mask", even a painted one, that expresses emotions so plainly would have been an interesting experiment. The one time when perhaps an expression of the internal could be made to the external world.

Halloween of course is a time for masks. Disguises. Make-believe. People of almost all stripes become something else on Halloween. Many of them gory. Or goofy. Cute or sexy. Some fancy, some minimalist. All sorts of ways to be something else for a night. Something with which your regular persona may have little in common.

Yet with an introvert, I think the potential for one of the greatest ironies comes about on Halloween. If, like I was planning, an introvert were to wear a costume or mask that accurately depicted in a very public manner how they were feeling and what they were thinking inside their heads, then Halloween could in some ways be the polar opposite of what it is to many others. While the world tries to be as creative as possible in designing a costume that transforms them into something far removed from their real selves, an introvert could use Halloween to actually show more of their real selves right away than ever before.

Yet would people recognize this? Most would not, I dare say. Most would either miss the point, or would even ask "what are you supposed to be?" But then again, introverts are used to that, so maybe Halloween wouldn't be so different when it comes to that.

At any rate, Happy Halloween to all of the introvert and extroverts who do have parties and events to go to!

Do you think modern Halloween has different uses and meanings for different people? What is Halloween to you?

Looking Back on AuGuest: The Importance of Self

On this, the final Monday of August, on wanted to take some time to reflect on AuGuest 2011, and what it has meant to me and this blog.

To begin with, I once again wanted to thank my four contributors; Zoyah Thawer, Samantha Karol, Diana Antholis, and Noel Rozny. They each took time out of their busy schedules and their own writings and social media activities to add something to Too XYZ. An effort for which they received no compensation, and for which they will in all likelihood gain no fame, given the small reach of this blog of mine. It is much appreciated.

All four of these people offered something a little different, and did so in a different style. To each of their posts I wrote my own response, so I will not go into my thought on each again here. But I will say that despite the diversity of views and background for my AuGuests this year, I have in fact detected one commonality: the important of knowing and caring for the Self.

In Zoyah's case it was making sure she did not let herself become consumed by the bitterness of her situation. Samantha did not allow confusing and frustration over her unfair exclusions from groups affect the way she reached out and offered herself honesty to other people in a similar circumstance. Diana expressed how vital it was for her, and all of us, to remain confident in the direction we feel out inner most self is calling us to take in life, and Noel mentioned that despite her extroversion she has been faced lately with the occasional need to take a step back and look inward, to get a better understanding of and to provide better care to herself.

Yet it none of these cases did the slightest hint of selfishness appear. That is because caring for your self, and letting that all important center of our souls guide us as we nurture it and take care of it is not the same as selfishness. Selfishness is an ego driven state of mind with no regard to morals or the affects our actions have on other people. It caters mostly to immediate gratifications piggybacking on greater lifetime goals. That is as destructive to the selfish person as it is to the people they trample on the way to what they want. Perhaps more so.

Yet to be careful with our self, respect our inner life and make-up, no matter how different from the status quo that may be, and to, yes show love to what we are at our core, even as we accept the chance to improve upon it without pressure is to bring about the best possible version of who we are. To enhance that with which we are born, and to add to it things that we have determined we can achieve through heard work, thus giving both ourselves and the world the most potent entity we can be in service to the good around us. Not self serving cads nor slaves tied to the leash of a demanding society. Right in the middle can be found the transcendence of caring for the self.

That is what I got out of the messages of all four of my AuGuests this year. And I hope they, and each of you readers got something out of their contributing to Too XYZ as well. I'd like to hear your thoughts on that as time goes on.

AuGuest Post: A Whole Lot of "E" and a Little Bit of "I" by Noel Rozny

I stood at the outskirt of the bachelorette party speechless. For once in my life I didn’t have much to say.

This, for me, was unusual. I love talking to people. Being in loud, rowdy conversations at a party on a Friday night is as essential to me as food and water. Without human interaction, I wilt. (Really, it’s true. I tried it one winter when I worked from home during a blizzard. By the third day I was so bored I was talking out loud to the voices in my head.)

Perhaps it’s genetics. Or perhaps it’s conditioning. Or perhaps it’s because my parents decided to drop that umlaut over the “e” in my name. But whatever the reason, I have always considered myself to be a highly-expressed extrovert.

That was until recently. In the past few months, there has been much of my usual desire to get in touch with friends on the East Coast, see old roommates for coffee, and make jokes to the lady next to me on the train. But there have also been instances of an extreme need to be alone, to shut out the noise of the world and sit in the stillness of my apartment. They arise like the aurora borealis on the horizon, unexpected and unexplained and strangely hypnotic. They suck me into their gravitational pull, and I find myself unable to resist.

When they first showed themselves, I felt a rumble in the distance and a slow, oncoming cloud of fear. When you have thought of yourself one particular way for most of your adult life, as a people person or a social being or whatever you want to call it, the threat of that piece of your personality disappearing is terrifying. It means trying to find a new way to exist in the world.

But after the third and fourth and fifth time these spells appeared, I figured that like any natural phenomena, there was no stopping them. So I decided to sit down and shut up and ride out the storm. And by doing so, I found the center. I found the eye.

There have been a lot of changes swirling around me these past eight months (a whole different blog post or four) and in the chatter of the world, I found an escape from them. But the hidden introvert in me, the one I never even knew existed, knew better. She knew I needed some quiet and some space and some time to reflect to get my house in order. And she wasn’t about to go unnoticed.

So after my initially panic, I slowly learned to embrace this need for quiet. I found that there is as much energy to draw from the inside as I often discover in the world around me. I learned that I have more “I” in me than I ever imagined, and I’ve learned that can be a very good thing. 

AuGuest: My Response to Samantha

Samantha's AuGuest post dealt with her desire and ability to not set people aside just because they are not in a group, or don't fit some kind of criteria, even though for reasons unclear she herself was excluded from a group(s) at one point.

In other words, like Zoyah, she has not let what could have been a painful experience make her too bitter to let people in. Indeed that very experience of being shut out motivated Samantha to be even more considerate people who are outside of her direct circle. (The example she gave was making sure everyone at a party feels welcome, even if she doesn't know much about them.)

I myself have often been on the receiving end of such exclusions as Samantha wrote about. From grade school all the way up into my adulthood even today, I have been left aside, not invited to the parties, or been the one that never has his messages returned. The one who sets up things to do, only to have his invitations constantly turned down, or ignored.

Only in certain situations have these experiences made me extra certain to reach out. For example, I made a vow to myself to express sympathy when someone I know loses a parent, no matter who they are, since that sympathy was never expressed to me as a child. When I get a message from anyone with whom I am on good terms I am prompt in returning it. If I can physically be of assistance to most people, I will offer to be so. These are things I would have done anyway, but I have a greater focus on them because I haven't received much of this sort of support from others in my life.

Yet those are examples that tend to present themselves. Almost as though the Universe says, "Okay, here's a test of your principles to chew on." I like to think I usually pass such tests, as graded by both the Universe and my own compass. Yet my track record is not so good when it comes to reaching out beyond a certain very narrow circle in my life.

In her post, Samantha wrote:

"Don't just brush people off because they're not part of your group."


In my own defense I do have to start by saying that I don't reject people just because they are not in my group. I pride myself on what I call my "mental inclusiveness". My belief that just about everybody in any type of demographic has something to offer the world, and potentially something to offer me. My thoughts are egalitarian. And again, there are all kinds of people that if they came to me would have a place at my table. Now ask me about how often I go out of my way to mention my table first...

Yes, part of it is that I am an introvert, and we introverts don't often like to start the conversations, reach out to strangers, or get the proverbial ball rolling on the social front. We like to be left alone at first, and we like to assume others do as well. Yet I cannot lay all of my reticent reluctance at the doorstep of my introversion.

The truth is, so many different types of people have dismissed me that it becomes easier to profile in a way. Did I specifically reject, say, cheerleaders in high school or college because that is what they were? No. Did I allow my experiences with people who were cheerleaders to define what I could expect from such people most of the time, and hence out of self preservation opt to not explore relationships with them? Yes. I did.

When you're like me you tend to take specific note of the pain inflicted upon you, and the source of that pain. Which in turn makes you far less likely in the future to give certain people a second look. Even if they are not the direct cause of your pain. Even if you know on a meta, intellectual level that they, like any stranger are just as entitled to your decency, respect and friendship as anybody else. You still do it. And then you tend to close your circle in as tight as possible in an effort to keep out the unpredictables. The new people. The ones outside of the archetypes with which you most identify. I did that and in many ways continue to do that.

Sometimes this withdrawal is in fact counterproductive or even destructive to the very ends I am gunning for. Just the other day I was talking to a close friend of mine that I knew in college, but didn't speak to much until after college was over. Through the wonders of social media we actually became close after we had lived on the same campus for years. Not during. And as I said to her only recently, one main reason for this was that she was in, (or at least appeared to be in) a different group. Another demographic. And though I never dismissed her and her friends simply because they were not like me, I also figured the safest thing to do was to not engage in such people too much, because similar people in the past had burned me. Sometimes I knew why, but usually I didn't.

Instead, in college I clung to those with a shared archetype. The artistic, theatre geek crowd. And the irony is, that crowd had just as many traitors, liars, and caddy manipulators as any other group one might associate with such low-lifes. In fact, theatre people may be more guilty of that sort of thing than most groups. But because I was arts oriented myself I allowed a false sense of safety and familiarity to dictate where and when I engaged other people. The result? Abject loneliness after a serious event in my final semester in college. My "group" had basically zero sympathy for me in my time of need, and I had little connections elsewhere.

What I would have given to have been able to flee from my theatre people in the final semester of college! Could have been to any group that welcomed me. The football players. The foreign exchanges. The pot-heads. Anybody to whom I could have gone with the simple intention of interacting and feeling valued again. Yet because I allowed my previous history with people to dictate my behavior, I had no such connections to speak of. I had held back in befriending certain types. Again, some of it was due to my being an introvert on the outside of some very extroverted groups. Yet a bigger part of it was due to simple reluctance to treat certain people better than I had been treated by others that resembled them. Others that offered no instant familiarity. I paid a huge price for that reluctance. I continue to pay a huge price for it to this day...

So I applaud Samantha and people like her that are able to reach out even when they have been excluded. Those that can be receptive to different demographics and not keep an automatic distance from them, even when they themselves have been victims of such discrimination. Those that don't require a situation involving moral imperatives before they engage certain types, like I do. Such people may not be better than me, but they probably have a better chance of getting through the bad times with smaller scars.

I'll close with something that same friend of mine told me during the conversation I mentioned earlier.

"It doesn't matter what happened back then. We are close now." 

True. And that gives me hope that it isn't too late for me to reach out even after I have been stepped on.

Introvert Risks

At a later date, I plan to respond to this notion that the very act of stepping out of your comfort zone is useful in its own right. This pervasive notion among the success gurus out there that you are not living your life, and have no hopes of success unless you are opting to somehow scare the shit out of yourself every day. (Hint: I think this approach is bogus.)

I don't however think it is bogus to say that sometimes we need to take some kind of risk. And that at times those risks will put us out of our comfort zone. Not for its own sake, but because the mission of any given point in our life requires it. I take no pleasure or excitement in being out of my comfort zone. That is why they call it a comfort zone after all. But if an important mission takes me there, so be it.

Yet you may not know I am there unless I tell you, though. That is because the praise and glory for taking risks often goes to the more outspoken risk takers. Those that instead of stepping outside their comfort zone, opt to take a flying leap out of it, over a cliff, and into a choppy ocean of uncertainty and danger, screaming, and blogging about the scariness of the entire affair during the entire fall. Extroverted risk takers.

Introverts have their own comfort zones, however. They take risks too. Perhaps less sexy risks. Perhaps their comfort zones are misunderstood so as to make it appear they never left them in the first place. Or when an introvert does something to expand their perspective it may be so similar to what their more gregarious counterparts do each day that no credit is even given for the risk taken.

But it is there, and it is time such things were acknowledged as well.

We introverts are often more sensitive to stimuli, both internal and external. We dislike chaos and noise. It tends to fry our circuitry. So if we do find ourselves shouting above a room full of excitable, screaming colleagues, you can bet it is because our belief in the idea is so strong we are willing to step into the disorienting fray of extroverted "brainstorming." That is outside of our comfort zone. And because most introverts don't process information in that manner, and certainly don't share it that way, we are taking a risk by attempting to do so, as it is not our game.

Introverts, contrary to popular misconceptions, are not de facto shy. Some of us are, and some of us are not, just like the extrovert population. (Yes, that surprising fact is also true.) Yet introducing ourselves to strangers in any medium is about as welcome to most introverts as would be climbing several flights of stairs with a bag of dry cement strapped to our backs.

But sometimes there is an idea. A solution. Something which we in our introverted alone time have conceived that must be shared with specific people we think will be able to help. But since we are idea based, people may find we jump right into the groundbreaking idea or observation. We take a risk every time we do so in a world that expects us to nuzzle up to strangers and begin the "Small Talk Tango". Introverts can ironically be seen as quite pushy once we decide something needs to be shared because we get right to the point, and that potential pushiness is a risk we take when we believe in something.

Our energy, our mental energy in particular, is a precious commodity to us. Not only that, it is a "combustible" mixture. It takes little for it to be exhausted, depending on the circumstances. We can be drained of it in short order when in public or around certain people for an extended period of time. If extroverts would stop and think then about how much of ourself introverts allow to be drained at time, they would see that sometimes the simple act of placing ourselves in a situation is risk taking and being outside of the all important "comfort zone."

Assessing what it would cost us to do something, and how we would go about doing it. Comparing what we would lose if we failed to what we would gain if we succeeded. And deciding that the potential loss is worth the potential gain. Taking action because being uncomfortable or even in pain is not as vital as what is at stake. This is risk taking. This is stepping outside of one's comfort zone.

Risk taking is not, as society has started to believe, running headlong into Interstate traffic, screaming how much you love the uncertainty of life the entire time.

Like much of what we introverts do, our risk taking is often so quiet and private, the world remains unaware of it. Which is why I point this out in my post today. So people will in fact realize a simple truth; introverts take risks every day.

If you are an introvert, what risks do you take, without trying to be other than what you are?

If Introverts Spoke Like Extroverts

As most people know for extroverts the act of thinking and the act of speaking are very much intertwined. The moment their brain conceives it is usually the moment the say it. And if both they (and you) are lucky, all of that talk leads to the bull's eye of the conversation or question. Eventually.

Introverts of course tend to not speak at all until their mind has processed the situation, stimuli, or point. They want that quiet moment or two before speaking, and when they do speak, their speech is often slower and more deliberate than the enthusiastic, exploratory chatter of the extrovert.

Introverts are very familiar with the exhausting experience of being engaged by an extrovert.

Perhaps it is best that introverts do not speak before they think, given the nature of what and how they think. But what if your average introvert worked like your average extrovert? What if just for a brief time introverts vocalized what they were thinking the moment they were thinking it? Here are some things I believe you would hear them say:   

-"Please stop talking so loudly. I'm the only one here and I am right in front of you."

- "You know, I just hate maintaining eye contact. I can hear you just fine if I don't so I'm just not going to do it."

- "Okay, I will keep looking at you while you speak, but it is very difficult for me to do that, so how about you stay in one place for a few minutes to make it easier on me? I would appreciate that."

- "Could I please answer your last five questions, before you either ask me another question, or begin to tell a story?"

-"I don't care."

- "That has zero relevance to what I just said. I totally respect the fact that you have the right to say whatever is on your mind. That's terrific. But your response has given absolutely no indication that you have heard anything that I just told you, and this irritates me."

- "You saw me sitting here in the corner with my eyes closed. That was a polite giveaway that I didn't want to converse with you, and yet you did so anyway. Please go away for a few minutes until I indicate I actually want to speak."

- "It's so rude that I'm usually no more than halfway through a point I am trying to make before you decide to change the subject to something you prefer. Or even worse, you decide you know what I was going to say, and say it for me. This is a conversation, not a monologue. Am I that boring, or are you just afraid of having to think for too long?"

- "I have not met any of the people in the story you are telling me. So I am not enjoying it."

- "When I am having fun, I am the first person to know it. Stop telling everyone else that I am not having any fun."

- "No, I don't have to get up to enjoy myself. I am enjoying myself sitting here, thank you."

- "Do we really need the television, the radio, and the internet on at the same time, while you are trying to talk to me?  How can I be the only one bothered by all this damn noise? Turn something off."

- "That was the clumsiest attempt at a segue into another topic I have ever witnessed. You just want an excuse to bring up something random, and we all know it."

- "I'd be happy to tell you what I think of that, if you agree to say nothing until I have completed my thoughts on same."

- "You do realize that nothing bad will happen if you just sit down for a minute and not do anything, don't you?"

- "I have no problem with you personally, but if you mention anything about coming out of my supposed shell again I am going to find a way to cram your fucking head into a shell."

- "Nothing personal, but I have no idea whatsoever how to respond to most of what you tell me. So I am just going to remain silent instead of talking out of my ass about something."

-"You would be wise not to confuse my quietness with detachment from my environment. I am probably more aware of what is happening in the room than you are."

-  "This conversation does not interest me at all. You are not saying anything that makes me think or laugh. To be perfectly frank I would like this conversation to end at this point. You and I can either start another one, or we can both go find something else to do. Either option is fine with me, but this is not working and I am tired of pretending it is."

- "Hello. I hate being here with all of these strangers, and I don't have the slightest desire nor the remotest intention to approach any of them. If anybody wants to meet me, I strongly prefer they come to me, and even then, I would be lying if I guaranteed that either one of us would enjoy the encounter."

And finally...

-"For the love of life, just shut the hell up!!!!!!!!!"

Not a pretty picture is it?

This is part satire, but largely fact based. I had some fun making this list, and I hope fellow introverts, as well as extroverts had fun reading it. But the truth of this matter is that as rude, aloof, strange and cold as introverts sometimes appear to extroverts, they may find us even less appealing if we spoke as often or as quickly as they do all of the time. If we can accept that yes, introversion can confuse and sadden extroverts, and that extroversion can just bug the piss out of introverts, everyone can better understand their individual friends of both types.

What did I miss? What else might an introvert say in an extroverted world if they didn't stop and think?

"Because it's there?" Not for Introverts.

Contrary to popular belief, most introverts can in fact do things like engage in small talk, introduce themselves to a stranger, or meander about within a crowd. (Though we do prefer when it is a controlled, purposeful crowd as opposed to a mob, that is certain.) We are just not as comfortable or in the very least, not as inclined to do such things. They are outside of our status quo. Yet if we find that by doing so a greater good is achieved, we will undertake such actions. But the stakes have to be much higher for an introvert than they have to be for an extrovert.

For example one would hope that even the most reclusive introvert would save a stranger from drowning if they came across such a scene and could help. Yes they have to touch and communicate with someone they don't know, and in normal circumstances they are not thrilled about that. But saving a life makes it the highest of stakes. This is of course an extreme example, but the point is that an introvert is far less likely than an extrovert to take an action or to make a comment simply because they can. It's rare that I quote Star Trek movies, but in this case think of Mr. Spock after saving Kirk who has just fallen off a mountain:

"Perhaps 'because it is there' is not sufficient reason for climbing a mountain."


The "sufficient reason" will of course vary from introvert to introvert, but you can bet in 90% of cases there is one. That is why we don't speak much at meetings; we are weighing if there is sufficient reason to bring up the point we are formulating. That is why we don't usually seek to be the center of attention; we have determined there is not sufficient reason to halt to proceedings in order to be observed. Introverts need a sufficient reason before they go out on the town or attend a party with mostly strangers.

And yes sufficient reasons for all of these things can be found for the introvert. We may attend a party for the sake of one person we care about. Perhaps we have determined we need a break from our own thoughts, and go out on the town. We may even attend a networking event, if the event is designed specifically with writer's or other creatives in mind. So long as the stakes weigh more than the uncomfortable action, introverts will do it in most cases. But you can bet a week's pay that they have made that determination before they have taken the action.

And the stakes must be higher than "getting out there". Often, even appealing to an introvert's self interest is not raising the stakes high enough, because an introvert tends to be more motivated by ideas and creativity, and less by personal gain.

Extroverts on the other hand tend to drive meetings, offer all their half-formed ideas, enjoy having everyone look at them and listen to them, and can't wait to get away from themselves and get out on the town, or to the next party. At which they will thrive on talking to strangers. And even if they don't make a single friend or establish one single toe-hold somewhere, (though they usually do), the extrovert is ready to go out the very next day and do it all again, because the stakes of not doing so are too high for them.

So if you want to motivate an introvert to say something or to do something, don't just encourage them to "come out of their shell" or to "join the party". That doesn't tend to move us. But if you can take a few extra moments to determine what the stakes are, and have the patience and willingness to present them to an introvert in a respectful way, you may find them more willing to partake. Especially if you present to them a problem that you feel can be solved with their participation.

If you are an introvert, how high do the stakes have to be for you to do the "extroverted" stuff? Can they ever be high enough?

Speak Up or Shut Up? How Do We Appreciate People?

There is such a fine line when it comes to people you value. You don't want to gush about them very often, if at all, because that freaks people out. Yet at the same time if you come to value someone and keep it to yourself all of the time, they may never know, and may find it easier to waltz right out of your life.

As a writer, I am a man of words in many ways.  And I have suffered the consequences both of saying how much I appreciate someone, and of not saying so. If you are curious, the argument that saying something, even if it doesn't work, is better than never saying anything just doesn't hold water. Not with me. Whether it be an unfortunate silence on my part, or and frank expression of appreciation that is not well received, the resultant distance between me and the valued person feels just as shitty.

Nor have I ever been able to swallow the bitter medicine of, "people come into and out of your life at random, and there is no sense getting tore up about it when someone leaves." That advice to me amounts to "love nobody and nothing, and be ready to die alone."


So what is the answer when we value someone? I suppose the question is poorly phrased, because the answer for each person is in all likelihood different. I know I haven't figured out my own answer to the question of safe expressions of appreciation, love, respect, or admiration for others as they come into my life. I usually seem to get it wrong.

I think perhaps we have as a people grown too cynical, too defensive, or too afraid of intimacy for which we are not prepared to accept praise of our personhood. Of our work, sometimes, yes, that we can handle. But when we read an email from someone, and look at them across the dinner table and hear them say things like, "You have a terrific sense of humor, and I don't laugh enough in life. Thank you for making it easier," the first thing many of us start to think is, "What do they want," or "I haven't known him long enough for that to be appropriate," or, one of my favorites, "I'm really don't feel attracted to you in the same way." As though each time we express the value we have in someone, there is a motive outside of it.

Maybe actions speak louder than words? Maybe by doing a good turn for someone, we can reassure them of their value in our eyes, without them tweaking over it. That might be one answer. Yet I think even then the doubts an cynicism would remain.

It's not a science, I realize that. But there has to be at least some pattern I would think. Maybe I have just been in the presence of really uptight people my whole life. I don't know. I only know that the result of my expressing how I feel about people has eight times out of ten wounded me in such a way that with every passing year I feel less willing to do so. And that can't lead to anything good, can it?

How do you do it?

Why Introverts Hate Small Talk

I don't like small talk. No. I hate it. The surprise factor of this statement should hover somewhere near zero for anyone who has read this blog, or who knows me personally. I am an introvert, and in general, we don't do the small talk thing.

But why? Even extroverts who have read about introverts know that we don't do small talk, but can't see what the big deal is. Small talk is such a part of our society, yet half of that very society cannot stand it. I cannot speak for 100% of Introvertkind, but I will lay out some of the reasons I hate it which I think are common to many introverts.

-To begin with, it is exactly the same every time. Anywhere. If you are engaging me in small talk, it means you are treating me in the precise same manner when you approach me as you did the last stranger you approached. And depending on the venue, I may have just seen you approach the person right before me and heard you ask the same asinine questions of them. Just as I will hear you ask them to the person by the punch bowl once you have decided our conversation is over. 

-It's not a conversation. It's a metric. You are using it to determine the nature of a new person. How they react, how they speak, what they feel like when engaged. It is a horrible way of getting to know me because I hate being tested, and I will usually act accordingly. I don't have to be rude, but the cues will be there that the nature of the conversation makes me uncomfortable because I know I will be judged by how well I perform at the task. 

-Small talk is expected. Want to make sure I, and many other introverts don't do something? Insist that it is what we are expected to do by everyone else.

-It is irrelevant. If an introvert has decided to leave home and bring himself to a place full of people he doesn't know, chances are there was a very good reason for it. The reason for the gathering or the meeting. It probably was not easy for him to come, and isn't a walk in the park to stay. He'd like to get on with the specific reason he attended this function. (Or worse, the reason he was summoned, if you have some kind of authority over him.) Unless the meeting was called to discuss the crab dip and the heat wave, I am not going to be  receptive to such talk, despite outward attempts to be polite.

-Small talk is inauthentic. Look, I sympathize with those who use small talk to a degree. I really do. For an extrovert it is a valuable tool to ease into a conversation, and possibly a friendship with a new person. But if they are honest even extroverts will admit that it is just a tool. That even they are not the least bit interested in how difficult it was for me to drive to this building, or if I ran into any traffic on the way. They know that they don't really care, and I certainly know they don't care. It is a rouse to start talking to someone new. But I would rather be approached cold with an authentic question, then be warmed up by the small talk.

-It's a waste of resources. Mindless small talk requires little brain power. Introverts spend most of their time thinking. Processing ideas. Finding themselves engaged in small talk slams on the brakes of their active brain. The subjects are so empty, there is no need to form an opinion and/or argument that they can then share with those around them.  Like renting the biggest self-storage unit in the city and storing nothing in it but a roll of paper towels. It is space and money wasted. Small talk is like that roll sitting in the vast expanse of the mind to an introvert. It's a waste of resources.

-It lacks creativity. Many introverts are creative types, and few things are as bereft of creativity as small talk.

All of this may sound like I am denigrating those who are both good at and enjoy small talk. That is not my intention. My main purpose today is to shine more light on why I and other introverts like myself despise small talk. Because the more I am honest about the reasons, instead of just repeating how much I hate it, the more likely it is someone out there will take an extra moment and consider a new way to approach known introverts. And if that happens, more people win.

Do you do small talk?

A Prelude to Confession.

The core values, motivations and traits of a person tend to stay constant throughout a lifetime. Yet through the course of a life the manner by which people either protect or project their deepest, most authentic selves may change in a dramatic fashion.

In terms relevant to this blog, we can sometimes become either more or less XYZ than we used to be. Sometimes we can even name the change, instead of having to use XYZ. And the irony of this post is that I, author of Too XYZ, have detected a shift within me that I can actually describe with actual words, and not my trademark Too XYZ.

What is this shift?

I need to interact with more accessible people about more of my issues.

Note that I said "interact" and not simply "share". Because sharing could be this blog post. Or a Facebook update. Or an email. I do that sometimes, with mixed limited results. But to interact with people about my sometime internal horrors would provide me with a ritual cleansing of sorts when the periodic fogs of spiritual and emotional warfare once again descend upon my heart. The notion of interaction in all of this is crucial, because I know a few people who care about me, but have no idea what to say, or even clam up when approached with negative topics. So their love is appreciated but I need those willing to engage with me as well.

I'm not totally silent. There may be a cryptic Facebook status here and there, or a weird tweet that gives some indication of the battle within. I get pissed and write about it here. But those are vague reflexive observances of my internal ordeal. They are almost side effects of the turmoil. That hint of steam emmerging from the pressure cooker as it does its work. Not a concerted effort to lay out in detail what I am grappling with at any given time.

For most of my life I have been okay with that. After all if I am going at it alone and not revealing the weird nature of my intangible plague of spirit, the solutions are all under my control. The attack plan is mine. The PR is mine. There are no questions. No judgment. But when there are no questions, I get to nowhere new. I don't see anything from more than one set of tired eyes. I don't form a new plan of attack. I detect the next enemy charge, dig in, and fire as many rounds as I can. When I am out of ammo, I duck and wait for it to pass, knowing that in the end, if nothing else, I will become too tired to fight against the unseen and will collapse, get looted and be left alone until I rebuild. Afterward I will dust myself off and head to rehearsal for my latest play, or type a chapter up in the novel and nobody knows the difference. Ty, as he always was.

I'm not okay with that anymore. I am still in many ways a private person, and I will always be an introvert. However, this business of polishing my persona to a show room shine before stepping out to be amongst people so they can't see what is happening has run its course in my life. I'm done with shining up the bronze statue of me people walk passed everyday. No matter how bizarre, stupid, or crazy people are going to find my fears and "demons", the time has come to be more frank about them.

The problem is, that will probably mean a mass exodus of some sort. I could be wrong of course, but it seems that over the years people have built up this idea of me. "Ty Unglebower", a character in the play of life, as opposed to Ty, the human being that is over at our house for dinner tonight. (It happens once in a while.) For many years that was easy. I'd go somewhere, be "Ty" for a while, and feel okay about it. Then I'd come back home, feel the fog descend, and fight my way out of it myself. In so doing, not only could everyone keep their idea of "Ty" alive, but I came away with a sense of empowered self-satisfaction. I had fought off the invisible attackers on my own. 50 against 1 victory was mine.

If you will recall in my bold print statement above, I called for accessible people as well. I emphasize I have some people who care. But interaction with the few of the most important ones can be difficult because of distance. There is always the phone or Facebook, yes, but when you are in the bunker, surrounded, and need ammo and reinforcements, nothing really beats having a physical presence there with you to talk out a few things. Yes, getting support from others via social media is better than nothing, but it makes it easy for others to be dismissive of my plight. Even if I share more than I have been, I get met with the atrocious silence, or with the flippant. I mentioned I felt as though I was in serious trouble the other day in my status. One response was "Good luck with that." Thanks a lot...

Yet despite the obvious risk, I think it is time. Time to be more open, more detailed, more frank about my struggles and pains. It won't be easy, to leave that bronze statue behind for a while. But the end result, hopefully, will be not only a greater understanding of me by people near and far, but also fewer solitary battles in the future. I pray that with this new candor, I will find my current people more willing to be there, and perhaps attract new, understanding people into my life that were not there before. Maybe even a few that have already beaten the same enemies I am fighting now.

The fog will lift. It would just be nice to hear friendly voices in it when it descends. Even if I can't see the faces.

Brazen Careerist Presents: Network Roulette

I wanted to take just a quick minute to mention the launch of something over at BrazenCareerist.com. Those who frequent this blog know that it is my preferred career oriented networking platform, and today they have added another dimension to their mission. Network Roulette.

I have mentioned it before, but in sum, it is a program on their site for members to network instantly with people all over the world. Like speed dating, a person is randomly assigned another Brazen Careerist member, and a chat window opens up. The two then have three minutes to make a professional connection of some sort. At the end of the time, the session ends and both are moved to another person with potential networking value.

The service is free, as is Brazen Careerist itself. As an introvert, I love the possibilities Network Roulette brings to the table. If this interests you as well, sign up for an account at Brazen Careerist and see what I am talking about. And if you do, stop by Too XYZ and comment on what you thought of the experience.

Who knows? You and I may run into each other on the roulette.

Five Ways to Make Networking Events Introvert Friendly

"The world, especially business, runs on extroverts."

Horseshit.

Oh, it's easier to assume that it does, because by their very nature extroverts make the most noise, and work twice as hard to get noticed for…whatever it is an extrovert needs to be noticed for at any given nano-second.

But some of the best thinkers, and game changers have in fact been introverts. And while the era in which they lived, the nature of their work, or plain luck may have had something to do with their eventual success, you can bet that being an introvert played a large role regardless. Therefore to write off introverts as some kind of backward, dying breed is not only lazy, it is foolish from a cultural and business stand point. Yet often people make this mistake because introverts do not excel, (or have much interest in) the "look at this fantastic thing I can do, and don't you want me to do it for you!" school of networking.

If, however, you are a wise recruiter, company, or guru, you will actively cultivate relationships with introverts. For just as extroverts have many obvious "advantages" over us, we have many subtle advantages over extroverts.

But you don't meet us in the same ways, by and large. You have to work a little harder then free coffee and Nilla Wafers at the local AmVets building. You can't just turn us loose and watch the sparks fly. We don't work in sparks. So for those who do want to explore the Introvert Advantage, I have some advice for you;

Start creating networking events designed specifically for us.

Want to see a well planned networking event fill up faster than you can say "business card"? Proudly label it as an introvert friendly event. The introverted in the population would likely be jumping out of windows in order to get to it faster. That's because we introverts know how much people unfairly cater to extroverts. And we don't want to play that game. We want to contribute and meet people on our terms. Give us the chance to do so, and most of us will be there.

How? Read on…

1) Get away from the bars.

I have spoken to some people about this recently on Brazen Careerist, and though a few were inclined to prefer the boisterous, loud and "stimulating" environment of a bar as the perfect place to make new contacts, most actually shared my disdain for such networking events. I can't say all of them were introverts, but I feel comfortable thinking most introverts are not going to be into such an atmosphere when it comes to networking and marketing. Too crowded. Too noisy. Too…unpredictable.

The solution? If introverts want to network, the strictly networking events should be the opposite of bars. Quiet. Intimate. Spacious. Relaxing. Hold a meet and greet, networking style event in the local independent coffee house perhaps. Rent a whole room if they have one. Or perhaps a conference room at the local library. Anywhere an introvert can actually think, and process what is going on before reacting to it. They need that in order to thrive, so let them have that by meeting in a location suited to such.

2) Prepare a Syllabus/Homework

Introverts like to know the purpose of most things before they proceed. The more information they have on something, the more likely they are to speak or act on it. If the entire mission for an event is "Come meet people!" introverts on a good day will simply say no thanks. On most days, they'll laugh. That is because to an introvert, "meeting people" is not its own end in most cases. Such an event requires them to enter a totally random crowd, pointlessly meander about until they are warm enough to engage someone (if they ever are), and then try to begin a conversation that has specific merit. That is what we do. And since small talk has zero actual merit other than to exist, most introverts hate it.

But what if those who registered for a local event were emailed a list of things that were going to happen at the event? They knew who would be in charge, and where that person could be found upon arriving. Will there be any speakers, or will it be all free flow? Refreshments? What kind? This will give an introvert a plan. An idea of what to expect.

Even better, if they are told, "please bring with you answers to these five questions", they will be even more happy to attend, because that provides instant and common purpose for all attendees. Those five questions will be relevant to what is happening at the event. And it is through engaging in something that introverts more often get to know strangers. This leads well into my next bit of advice.

3) Do….Something!

We get it. Extroverts love talking to people as an activity unto itself. Which is why topics that have no real bearing on the day, or on anything, will suffice. That is the tool by which extroverts dig into the nature of someone, and find nuggets to harvest a relationship.

To introverts, that is just dirt flying everywhere. We hate being dirty, you know.

So give us a task at the event. Be creative with this, but don't be complex, either. Not yet anyway. If you set a goal for the evening, and introverts will come knowing what that goal is, you will get more out of them. Because then something tangible is being accomplished. Perhaps instead of thumping music, drunk co-eds, and numbers on napkins, as in a bar, the social focus is a discussion of a movie that will be played. Or maybe the organizer of the particular event has a very specific idea or obstacle they would like to share with the group. Remember the syllabus? Put this on there, and introverts will come to your event with all kinds of things to suggest. And through discussing the problem, or accomplishing the goal, or responding to the specific stimulus the event offers, introverts will be sharing who and what they are, and at what they excel.

And as a side note, get to this pretty quickly. If the event starts at 7:00, get the ball rolling at 7. The quicker you engage in the mission of the evening, the earlier the introverts will feel involved. Number Four on this list is related.

4) Share Ideas/Theories as Opposed to Identities/Positions

"What's your name? And what do you do? Here is what I do, and a 30 second pitch as to how what I do can help you do what you do. Since this isn't about me, it's about helping you."

Yeah right. That sort of crap isn't like running fingernails against a chalkboard for an introvert. It's more like running one's own teeth against a chalkboard.

Instead of introducing yourself and what you "do", and what you can do for someone else, (that old standby), what if you introduced who you were by sharing your biggest idea to a stranger? i have a Brazen conversation about this recently as well. Think of it...

"I'm Lisa, and my big idea is to find a way to incorporate electronic book readers with instant messenger services so that I can have part of a book sent to me at random times during the day to keep it interesting and non-invasive while I am at work!"

I already want to know more about Lisa and her idea. I want her to explain it to me. And, the shocker is, I will actually ask her. Yes, this introvert would ask the question. Because you see I have something substantial about which to talk. I don't have to do any of that digging.

5) Specialize.

This one isn't new. It does happen already. Yet not as often as the general "business card swap" type of events where a bunch of people gather in a room with bad coffee, and try really hard to pretend they find one another interesting.

I have been to one of those ever, and I was 30 years old before I did it. Guess what? It is highly unlikely I will ever go to another, because it sucked for me in all the ways I predicted it would.

But if the event were specifically for writers, I would more likely go. Because I at least know what everyone there is doing, or trying to do. And it would once again provide me with a specific to discuss, instead of small talk. Introverts like to know why they are where they are any given time. And as I said, "meeting people" is not enough. But meeting other writers? Other graphic designers? Other accountants? That we can handle.

This approach doesn't prevent one from encountering an extrovert, but I think it is the standard event format that comes closest to catering to the introvert way of thinking.

****

So there you have it. Five ideas to open up networking events to introverts. Or shall I say, open up introverts to networking events. There are more, of course, and ideally, a great event would combine two or more of these suggestions.

Introverts are here to stay, and networks, businesses, and extroverts ought to get used to that. One good way to balance things out is to make an already difficult process much easier for these highly valuable people.

Coming into the Light: A Shot at Opacity, by Mehnaz Thawer

All my life, I've been invisible to some degree. For those that already know me, you'll know I have a penchant for complete candour, and you can hear my rambunctious ramblings from a mile away. This isn't what I'm talking about.

Much like many introverts, I take a liking to "behind the scenes" types of work. I used to be in a choir and subsequently, a stage manager, a communications manager and all kinds of managerial posts that required that I be behind the scenes. Given that these were supposed to be fun endeavours, it was always a lot of work. When I was thanked on stage - as often is the case when you have a big blow-out-end-of-the-year concert - I would have to come onto the stage, under a spotlight, which would cause me to blush (given my naturally dark skin-tone, you can imagine this might have been quite the feat)!

It's not so much that I didn't want my work recognized, and that I didn't appreciate a thank you here and there; it's just that I worked really hard to appear invisible when I could. Call it a natural aversion to attention or what have you, but I have to say, after a while, it started to get old.

Recently, I spoke to a woman who pointed out that I very much liked being alone, and being recognized meant taking responsibility for myself - something I appear not to be completely comfortable with.

I got to thinking about how this connected to my life. I noticed that I tended to bury myself in work until nobody could really find me. I make excuses for my invisibility (and not strangely, I know a lot of people who do).

While being okay with your invisibility is fine (we're not spotlight-mongers), we tend to miss out on opportunities that really benefit us, when people recognize who we are and what we do.

As lame as it sounds, my concerted effort to walk into the light is going to be by joining something - for fun! It has to be something where I'm not working, where I can use my skills and my language to network, and to be grateful for praise and attention.

If you're anything like me, and spend your life hanging out "behind the scenes", make an effort to do something where you are forced into the light. Might sound like it's on the lighter side of being too XYZ, but you'll be surprised how difficult it is.

At the risk of sounding frivolous, be opaque, so that people don't look through you, so that they remember to recognize you properly for your contributions, your humour, your brief moments of endearing stridency.

What have you done lately to come out into the spotlight?

Mehnaz is a professional writer in Vancouver and the owner of "Speak Softly and Carry a Red Pen".