Monday, August 22, 2011

AuGuest Post: A Whole Lot of "E" and a Little Bit of "I" by Noel Rozny


I stood at the outskirt of the bachelorette party speechless. For once in my life I didn’t have much to say.

This, for me, was unusual. I love talking to people. Being in loud, rowdy conversations at a party on a Friday night is as essential to me as food and water. Without human interaction, I wilt. (Really, it’s true. I tried it one winter when I worked from home during a blizzard. By the third day I was so bored I was talking out loud to the voices in my head.)

Perhaps it’s genetics. Or perhaps it’s conditioning. Or perhaps it’s because my parents decided to drop that umlaut over the “e” in my name. But whatever the reason, I have always considered myself to be a highly-expressed extrovert.

That was until recently. In the past few months, there has been much of my usual desire to get in touch with friends on the East Coast, see old roommates for coffee, and make jokes to the lady next to me on the train. But there have also been instances of an extreme need to be alone, to shut out the noise of the world and sit in the stillness of my apartment. They arise like the aurora borealis on the horizon, unexpected and unexplained and strangely hypnotic. They suck me into their gravitational pull, and I find myself unable to resist.

When they first showed themselves, I felt a rumble in the distance and a slow, oncoming cloud of fear. When you have thought of yourself one particular way for most of your adult life, as a people person or a social being or whatever you want to call it, the threat of that piece of your personality disappearing is terrifying. It means trying to find a new way to exist in the world.

But after the third and fourth and fifth time these spells appeared, I figured that like any natural phenomena, there was no stopping them. So I decided to sit down and shut up and ride out the storm. And by doing so, I found the center. I found the eye.

There have been a lot of changes swirling around me these past eight months (a whole different blog post or four) and in the chatter of the world, I found an escape from them. But the hidden introvert in me, the one I never even knew existed, knew better. She knew I needed some quiet and some space and some time to reflect to get my house in order. And she wasn’t about to go unnoticed.

So after my initially panic, I slowly learned to embrace this need for quiet. I found that there is as much energy to draw from the inside as I often discover in the world around me. I learned that I have more “I” in me than I ever imagined, and I’ve learned that can be a very good thing. 

6 comments:

Dragonfly said...

Beautifully expressed. Sitting in the silence of the self. You verbalize so well the need for silence in order to find the eye. That little knowing place inside us all that often carries the answers to the question that us seeking.

Noel said...

@Dragonfly--Thanks!! I have been practicing just being quiet, or in my case, shutting the hell up and seeing what's there. :)

Tracy said...

There's something to be said for sitting in the stillness and just being in that moment. Sometimes the world just gets too loud and we need that time. I call it hibernation and I do it regularly because for me - it's healthy and helps me regain my energy. I am thinking of you, Noel and know, I KNOW you will be just fine. :) hugs.

Noel said...

Thanks Tracy! Hibernation is the perfect word for it and instinctively it makes me think of winter, which for once I am looking forward to this year. :)

Mary said...

Noel,

I think it is really amazing that you've recognized exactly what it is that your mind and body require. You are now free to take full advantage of it and watch it empower you.

Lately, I've been going outside, digging my toes into the ground and practicing yoga. I'm definitely not an expert by any means, but I've found this simple act is transforming my days. It doesn't require a lot of time and after I feel completely refreshed.

May the cool air and the warm blankets of fall bring you much happiness. Sending love your way.

Kim said...

As an introvert, I welcome you to the team, even if you do only play for us on occasion :)

Seriously, I admire you for listening to your intuition. Part of knowing oneself is awareness of the changing inner landscape. And it sounds like your reflection time has been so rewarding and enriching.

Wonderful post. Thank you, Ty, for hosting Noel during your guest month.